Because I just cried like a baby while watching the Bachelorette.
Time and time again you have taught me better. The person I think is going to get the rose NEVER gets the rose. Every season you set it up to look like theirs more of a connection with one and every season it’s the other. Every season I fall for it. I’m a shmuck. And I’m always wrong. Well played ABC. Well played.
You’re kind of geeky. You run like a girl every time you see DeAnna. You’re a nice guy. You’re a cute Dad. You’re sleepless in Seattle. You’re romantic. You’re thoughtful. You’re goofy in you’re own cute little way. And DeAnna’s family loved you. You seemed the obvious choice. I should have known better because I was SHOCKED, that’s right SHOCKED when DeAnna asked you to get off your knee and broke your heart. You held it together quite well I thought, but you really thought you were the guy and I feel really bad for you. I started crying when you whispered, “God, I’m gonna miss you” into DeAnna’s ear. Poor guy. And poor me. For letting ABC lead me on like that again.
You were the underdog. On day one I thought you and your ugly coat would be gone, but she kept you. And she kept you and she kept you and she kept you. And every week that you did not go away I started liking you better. I liked your Dad. I like your sincerity. I like your passion for life. I like that you call DeAnna your soulmate and just put it all out there and I felt a little bad for you because ABC told me you were going home. After the shock of losing Jason passed I was so excited for you and I cried again as you and DeAnna celebrated your the beginning of your new life together. Yay for you.
Dear ABC Again,
Is it necessary to force Jason to re-watch his painful journey of heartbreak all over again during the “after the final rose” ceremony? Just stick the knife in there and tuuuuuuuurrrn it slowly before we hear his side. Let him live it all over again and refresh his memory a bit as if to say remember Jason? How you really really loved her? Remember how she lead you to believe that MAYBE she loves you too? Remember how you told her she’s one of the top most important things in your life…the other being your first and only son. Remember how she let you get on your knee and propose? Wasn’t that embarassing? Didn’t it hurt? Ok ok ok, now let’s talk about it Buddy!!
Captain Obvious: Does it hurt to relive those moments? Did you love her?
What I think Chris is really saying is: Will you cry a little please? Show America how sad you really are.
Thank you for almost, kind of acknowledging the fact that every week you had a little pity party about how you were jilted at the alter by Brad. Thank you for considering that MAYBE he really just wasn’t that into you and saved you from a bad marriage and ugly divorce.
Dear Captain Obvious,
I love it when after Jason described the anguish he felt, and DeAnna started crying and told him all the reasons he wasn’t good enough and she was sorry, you turned to DeAnna and said,
“DeAnna were you EVER in love with Jason?”
Like, let’s just make one thing crystal clear to all of America and especially Jason. Did you love him? And then when she said no, you turned to Jason and said,
“Does that hurt to hear?”
No Chris. I just finished getting my heart broken…and then re-watched it…and then listened to the woman I proposed to break my heart again…that didn’t hurt a bit. But thanks for your concern.
Why Shane? Why? Why not me? I know I’m married and such…with kids and such. But Dang! I really love you.