Dear Ellen (letter 5) *ETA*

Bummer on Prop 8, right!?! In my last letter I told you I would vote against the proposition keeping gays and lesbians from marrying each other…and then I realized I don’t live in California and was not able to help out after all. I’m pretty sure that makes me a liar. I don’t ALWAYS lie…only when I think it will get me a chance to be on your show. And I only want to be on your show as a favor to America.

Ellen can we talk? Privately. It’s just that…this is my fifth letter to you and my fan base is getting upset. I’m huge around here Ellen. People want to see big things happen with me. And by “big things” I mean people want me to be on your show with the hopes that I will host a giveaway and bring some lucky bastard along with me. Your decision to ignore my last four letters is getting them uptight. Some of them have taken matters into their own hands and have written on my behalf…I fear my LA based groupies will wind up picketing at your set…there’s just no telling what they’ll do next. Mommy bloggers are a force to be reckoned with Ellen please stop ignoring us. And by “us” I really just mean me.

I also couldn’t help but notice you had Audrina from MTV’s hit show, The Hills on the other day. Audrina is lovely, but I don’t find her to be “your type”. Anyone who fraternizes with the likes of Justin Bobby in the on again, off again fashion Audrina exhibits certainly does not deserve the privilege of talking with you on your show. Would I share drinks with Audrina? Maybe. Would I go shopping with Audrina? Possibly. Would I accept money from Audrina? Yes. Would I have Audrina on my show? Not likely.

I believe you made a mistake Ellen. And by “mistake” I mean you should have asked me to fill Audrina’s spot on your show. I would have spread the word in blogland and I would have done huge things for your ratings. And by “huge” I mean I would have convinced all of my readers who already currently watch you to REALLY watch good when I’m on.

I noticed this Thursday you’re having Alison Sweeney on the show. I totally remember her from Full House!! She had all of my brothers and sisters repeating that quirky and fun phrase of hers “you qwack me up”. Ahahahahahah ahhahahahaha….get it Ellen?? Instead of “crack” she’d say “qwack”…like a DUCK!! Ahahahahaha hahahahahah ahahahahaha. BRILLIANT!

Ok so that wasn’t Alison Sweeney, but if you ever have Jodi SWEE-tin on the show than call me. I’ll be there faster than two shakes of a witches…well…just real fast mkay.

As far as Alison Sweeney is concerned I am sure you are aware of her role on the reality tv hit Days of Our Lives?? Do you really want Sami on your show Ellen? She’s always up to something sneaky. Bad news right there. Chances are she’ll drug Portia, impregnate her, and convince her to leave you. Not a fan of drama Ellen and you’re asking for it by inviting Sami on your show.

Let’s not pull another “Audrina”. I’m available Thursday, call Alison and tell her you’re sick. Let me do this for you. That’s right Ellen, I’m trying to help you. Let me help you. Help me to help you. Help me to help you help yourself and then let’s do drugs and get help together.

Thanks for listening.


Mama Kat