Dear Ellen (letter 10)

With the approach of the new fall season quickly…approaching…I thought it might be important to touch bases and reconnect again. And by “reconnect” I really just mean plain old “connect”.

I am SO excited for this season Ellen! In fact, I recently visited the Ellen Degeneres Show website and you and I both know I have plenty of reason to be excited!! Don’t we Ellen!?!

The caption beneath the picture on you website says this:

Ellen starts a brand new season full of celebrities, crazy games and non-stop fun on Tuesday, September 8th! She’s spent all summer preparing a huge surprise — it will blow you away! You’ll see something she’s never done before! Take a look to see what Ellen’s planning for her first week of Season 7.

A HUGE SURPRISE!?!!? Something you’ve never done before????

Hmmmmm Ellen (chuckle) let’s think of some things that you’ve never done before on your show, but that you might consider doing this season (humor me shall you?):

1.) Eat a bowl filled with worms. (yeah right that’s just gross.)

2.) Make out with a man. (see above.) (I mean for you…not for me…I make out with lots of guys like all the time…in a very non-slutty kind of way.)

3.) Give cars to every member of your audience. (Not gonna happen…there’s only one Oprah and she’s made it clear that that’s her territory.)

4.) Comentate a live birth. (Mmmm…possible, but I’m guessing the network might have censorship issues with that.)

5.) Mud wrestle Chris Brown. (Again…it’s possible this is your surprise, you could get a lot of media coverage if he gave you a black eye, but you have such a peaceful aura about you, I think clearly you’d try to veer away from such activity.)

or

6.) INTERVIEW A MOMMY BLOGGER!!!

I have a feeling I know what the surprise is Ellen, but I think it’s really cute that you’re trying to be coy about the whole thing so I’m just going to play along. When I get the call from your producers I’ll be all “what!?! Ellen Degeneres?? As in THE Ellen Degeneres!?!?!” and then I’ll jump up and down and scream and throw myself to the floor in excitement and what not. You know…really play the part.
The last thing I want is for you or your producers to feel bad about giving away the big surprise. Just so you know I’m really good at figuring this kind of thing out. One time, in fourth grade, I had begged for a white kitten for Christmas and before anyone got out of bed I creeped out to the Christmas tree and peaked and totally found the kitten. I wouldn’t call myself psychic per se, just really in tune with people and things going on in the world.

Speaking of fostering animals, that Greyhound I lovingly took into my home this summer found a really happy home. He was the second dog (freed from a life of brutal racing standards and very little love) that I lovingly fostered and cared for. I’m like you Ellen…finding great homes for animals and treating them as equals is really important to me. I’m all about equality. Equality of all people and animals.

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My choice not to adopt either of the Greyhounds I fostered had nothing to do with the pee on the living room floor, or the chewed shoes, or the poopy backyard, or the nip on my five-year-olds arm…rather I prefer to remain a constant source of long distance love for these animals. You and I both know animals possess a sixth sense that allows them to predict earthquakes and sense love from long distances so I know those dogs can feel my strong feelings for them.

I might have made that last part up just a little bit, but it’s what I believe and I think I’ve already established a pretty clear track record for myself as far as being “in tune” with things of this nature.

I can’t tell you how excited I am to FINALLY show everyone what being a mommy blogger is all about. That it’s not ALL about the alcohol or the Xanax or the mini vans or the neglect of duties such as “house cleaning” and “child rearing”…being a blogger is about so much more…

….

Ahem.

Anyways Ellen, your secret is safe with me!! This is going to be so much fun. Let me know if you need help coming up with any ideas of how to introduce me to your viewers. I could show up in a costume and maybe people could guess who’s inside? Or I could mud wrestle Chris Brown? (totally don’t mind a black eye or two for great television…I’m a giver).

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Or you could tell the audience that I “think I’m there for a makeover” and then surprise me by telling me I’m really there to talk about my blog, which would be super exciting for the world to hear about….OMG they’d be sitting on the edge of their SEATS Ellen!! Just imagine!!

I’m absolutely chalk full of ideas for my episode, but I’ll keep things hush hush until you’re ready to come out with the big “surprise” (chuckle).

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Much love,

Mama Kat

Comments

  1. says

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