Dear Ellen (Letter #12),

Christmas is coming and I can NOT figure out what to get you! I mean, what do you get that special someone in your life who seems to have it all?? I did some research. I checked Etsy for some wonderful items made specifically with you in mind.

At first I considered the Noah’s Gay Wedding Cruise painting, but I figured your mansion is probably FILLED with religious based gay paintings and I want to get you something you don’t already have.

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I found a twelve hundred dollar photo mosaic quilt, which is right in my price range, but there was only one left and I’d hate to take that off the market when surely there are hundreds waiting to snag that cozy piece of art.

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This seven dollar coaster set would be PERFECT, but I don’t know how I feel about people putting their mugs on your mug.

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Grocery shopping with your own canvas tote might be fun…certainly everyone would love shopping with self portraits displayed on their shopping bags, but like you do your own grocery shopping.

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Dead end after dead end I realized there really isn’t anything I can get you that a.) you don’t already have and b.) you can’t afford to just buy yourself.

Instead I came up with a wonderful list of gifts you could get for me…I’m not high maintenance. Every year my family raves about how easy I am to shop for. It’s important to me to keep the meaning of Christmas in perspective and not get caught up in the commercialism that it has become. I wish more people could remember to live in peace and love one another all the time and stop running me off the street as they hunt down Zhu Zhu pets. But not everyone has the same centered peace of mind that I have.

I’ll get to the point. This is my very short list of things I’m wishing for this Christmas:

1.) My own African village.

2.) A rocket ship.

3.) A rare Pinta Island Tortoise.

4.) An identical twin sister.

OR

5.) An invitation to be on your show.

Mull it over Ellen. Which of those four things do you think you could most conveniently present to me? Don’t worry there are two entire days left to contemplate and decide what it is you think would be most surprising and appreciated by me.

I’d also prefer the presentation of the gift you choose to be a surprise with a bit of a shock element. You know, don’t just mail it…perhaps you could organize some kind of parade in my neighborhood one morning. My family would wake to the sounds of a marching band and monkeys doing cartwheels in the street the way they do in street parades. That would be hysterical, but I don’t want to limit your ideas…just whatever comes to mind will be fine.

The countdown to Christmas has begun Ellen and I can’t wait to see what you come up with. It’s so great to have found a friend in you.

Looking forward to the big day!

Love,

Mama Kat

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  • Letter #1: I’ve Contacted Ellen Degeneres
  • Letter #2: A Tentative Date With Ellen
  • Letter #3: Ellen And I Hate The Paparazzi
  • Letter #4: Ellen And I Are Like Soulmates
  • Letter #5: Ellen “Qwacks” Me Up
  • Letter #6: Ellen And I Have A LOT In Common.
  • Letter #7: Ellen’s Hidden Jewel
  • Letter #8: Ellen Is Destroying A Little Girl’s Dreams
  • Letter #9: Ellen is my Pen Pal
  • Letter #10: Ellen’s Huge Surprise
  • Letter #11: Ellen Is Like Wonder Woman.
  • Comments

    1. says

      I’m gasping for air. I think this is your best Ellen letter ever. I’m glad to see that the gift I was going to buy you is on your list. Now that Ellen might buy you that African village though, I’m thinking maybe I should just let her buy it for you? :)

      MErry Christmas!

    2. Ashley says

      OMG… I think Im going to write Ellen a letter myself and tell her you NEED to be on the show. I just read your other letters.. Hilarious..

    3. Princess of Sarcasm says

      I’m a relatively new follower, so I had lots of letters to catch up with. I couldn’t get Letter #11. :(

      I’m sure Ellen will get to you right after the “holy days.” And by “get to you” I mean “take out that restraining order.”

      Maybe you should just go straight to Oprah…she falls for these kinds of tactics. Or better yet, why don’t you start a campaign to kick Whoopie off The View so I can have a reason to start watching it again? I’d much rather see people who are actually still funny fighting it out. (You replace Whoopie and I’ll replace the antique Barbara.) Deal?
      .-= Princess of Sarcasm´s last post: Christmas Caroles…or something like it. =-.

      • says

        Barbara is so vintage. Let’s do it!

        But I’m not giving up on Ellen. She has to come around. And she’s proof positive this tactic might work…after all it did get her on the cover of Oprah.

        You might be right…moving to Oprah might be more effective. Let’s get real….I might need to start with Tyra.

        ps Here’s letter 11, thanks for letting me know that link was broken!
        http://www.mamakatslosinit.com/2009/11/here-is-formula/

    4. says

      Certainly Ellen has to hear you someday. I kind of hope she never calls so you will keep writing these hilarious letters. These letters are my faves on your blog. I think Ellen will love mommy bloggers. Really, you’re not kidding. Somedays, her show is ALL we’ve got.

    5. says

      Princess – Barbara is so vintage. Let’s do it!

      But I’m not giving up on Ellen. She has to come around. And she’s proof positive this tactic might work…after all it did get her on the cover of Oprah.

      You might be right…moving to Oprah might be more effective. Let’s get real….I might need to start with Tyra.

      ps Here’s letter 11, thanks for letting me know that link was broken!
      http://www.mamakatslosinit.com/2009/11/here-is-formula/

    6. This Mama Works It! says

      I am relatively new to your blog. But OMG this letter and all your others are hilarious!! I love it! Aim high girl I can definitely see you on Ellen someday soon!

    7. When did I become my Mom says

      You know that one of these days you’re going to end up on Ellen and have a laugh over your letters, right?

    8. Kimberly says

      Dear Ellen,
      All I want for Christmas is for you to have MamaKat on your show. You don’t have to get me anything else!
      love
      KK

    9. says

      Do you really send these to her? I think you should. This seems exactly like the thing that she would love. I could totally see her reading these on air. How great would that be? Maybe all your readers should start bombarding the show with letters demanding that you be on. I think that would work, don’t you?

    10. says

      You go girl. (I think I’ve heard Ellen say that, right?) Don’t forget- when you’re on her show be sure to mention me. Mkay? Love ya.

    11. says

      You know, maybe a little more umph in your posts will get her to respond. Kinda like….adding dancing midgets or something just as spectacular. Just a thought!

    12. says

      This was freaking hilarious! I havnt read the other letters, but if they are as funny as this one she has no choice really than to organize a parade down your street. Tell her I wanna come too.

    13. adrianscrazylife says

      These are great. This sounds like exactly the kind of thing she would go for. I’ll enjoy watching you on there and remembering that I knew you when.

    14. says

      I hope she does surprise you with a fantastic parade with monkeys flipping! Keep your camera by your bed at all times! : ) Merry Christmas to you and your super sweet family!

    15. Catherine says

      This is too funny! Maybe you can start a FB petition or something.

      Those always make a difference in this cold and dark world that we live in…