I had a lovely childhood all things considered.
We were not poor…at least…we didn’t KNOW we were poor…at least I didn’t. But I also wasn’t the child eating hostess cupcakes and string cheese in my lunch everyday like Brionne. And I didn’t have fancy hair bands and ribbons in my hair like Erin. My Mom did not spoil us with frivolous purchases and still we had plenty.
So why do I find myself bouncing out of bed at 1am to hurry and try to purchase books from Maile’s Scholastic book order online? And when I realize I missed the deadline, why am I emailing her poor teacher, begging her to let me make my order anyways?
Why am I making special trips to Target to ensure my daughter has a shirt to wear for Red/White/and Blue day? Why am I sending my daughter to school with twenty dollars to purchase gifts for her family from the “santa store” when five or ten dollars would be plenty? Why am I nuts about making sure she has at LEAST 25 cents in her backpack for popcorn Friday?
I’ll tell you why. Part of it is because I love her SOOOO much I just want her to feel it any way that I can. But a lot of it is because I don’t want MY kid to be that kid in class who doesn’t get a book when that giant box of brand new Scholastic books comes in from the office.
I don’t want MY kid to be that kid in class who doesn’t get to show off her shirt at circle time because it’s not the right color. I don’t want MY kid to walk into the Santa Store and not have enough money to buy her family the Christmas presents she wants to buy them. I don’t want MY kid to be that kid without 25 cents on popcorn Friday. And I don’t want MY kid to be that kid who never has hostess cupcakes in her lunch.
I had a sad revelation today though. By choosing to be that Mom who gives her kid everything, who am I hurting? In creating that kid who is never without…am I also creating the kid who is always without? Am I creating the kid who’s looking at my kid and wishing HE always had books coming in from Scholastic? Am I causing someone in the classroom to wish SHE had money to buy all of her family members Christmas presents in the Santa Store? Or is that even my bag to borrow? Do I really need to feel guilty? Is it my responsibility to make sure all the kids in her class have cupcakes in their lunches?
Truth be told I spoil my kids rotten…only they’re not rotten so much as they are just cute.
And this whole “staying on top of things to make sure my kids never feel left out” will probably last…ohhhh…another year until Laina’s is in school…at which point I feel obligated to give her the standard “middle child shaft”.
Melissa says
Oh god this rings so true for me. Ethan has just turned 5 and started school. He is an only child so has never been too into the ‘fad’ toy trends that come and go. Well, he came home last week desperately wanting Pokemon cards. The cool boys in his class have Pokemon cards and they bring them every day and everybody loves them blah blah blah he went on. So what did I do? I didn’t have my purse so we went out of our way back home to get my purse, back to the shops and I bought him Pokemon cards. Not one little pack or anything but a $15 pack of 60 cards. My husband – a good ol boy from the south was mortified. It was 2 weeks til Christmas and I did what?
Don’t feel bad, I don’t!
.-= Melissa´s last post: Christmas Post #…… (I’ve lost count) =-.
Mama Kat says
Hahaha…I LOVE this example…it’s exactly what I would do. So over the top, but it would make me feel so good to help my child fit in and feel great at school.
MrW says
No you won’t – you’ll do it for them all. It’s mad isn’t it? On one hand I pull out all the stops to make sure they AREN’T the children who miss out or don’t have, whilst at the same time constantly drilling into them that “stuff” is just “stuff”, it’s not the measure of a person and has no inherent value in the grand scheme of things.
It’s no wonder they ignore me when I start on – I confuse myself.
.-= MrW´s last post: Wordless Wednesday or A New Hat =-.
Mama Kat says
I’m afraid you’re right! Hahaha…because I was the middle child TOO! And not that it was so bad, but I’m certainly sensitive to making sure Laina gets the same kind of attention Maile gets.
I don’t know…I’m still hoping that with time I’m not quite so over the top with making sure they “fit in”.
MrsW says
My older two are 15 and 13 – fitting in is, if anything, more important. Or standing out. I have stander outers – either way they need “stuff” to do it – either the same as everyone else or OMG NOT the same as ANYONE else :)
.-= MrsW´s last post: Wordless Wednesday or A New Hat =-.
Ghada says
Its a tough decision trying to figure out if how you’re raising your own child affects others. No one said this mothering thing would be so hard!
The blog looks fantab by the way! I am working on the redesign of mine too at the moment. Aiming for new install over the holidays :)
Have a great day!
.-= Ghada´s last post: Decorating the Tree =-.
trashalou says
Seriously Kat, I am beginning to thing perhaps we have a psychic link. I have this same issue with my children. And yes you WILL do it with all of them.
Louisa says
I don’t think you’re necessarily creating the kid who is always without…but perhaps we all worry that we will create kids who always ‘expect’. I often wonder how this is at work in myself, and can certainly saw it (and still do) in those around me. Thankfully mine is still a littl’un and I have a while ’til school starts!
.-= Louisa´s last post: Louisa is wondering… =-.
Mama Kat says
Hahaha…you THINK you have time! Don’t blink Louisa, before you know it YOU will be writing this post!! :)
Luschka says
Phew – a hard one – I know I was a surprise baby when my folks were just starting out, so I never had extras. Peanut butter and jam (jelly) sandwiches – that’s what I had. For years. On end. Lol Then my sister came along, and they couldn’t afford the jam, so just peanut butter. And if there were extras, my sister got them. I was older, I’d ‘understand’. *Grumble grumble* (fortunately my gran saw it and looked out for me where she could! :o) By the time my brother got to school age, I was almost finishing up, my dad’s career had progressed to a good place, and my brother (and to some extent my sister) were both given things only dreamt of! So you go ahead and spoil your first born on behalf of all the first borns who missed out! :o)
.-= Luschka´s last post: The Privilege of Parenting =-.
Melissa says
I go through this with my oldest. I am forever ordering (way to many) books, and sending way to much money for the Santa store. I have been known to run to walmart in the middle of the night because he needed a certain item of clothing for some day and I forgot.
Because, like you, I was that kid. And I didn’t want my son to be that kid either.
parenting BY dummies says
I feel you on this one. The upcoming holiday is a prime example. I’m constantly telling them that Christmas is about giving and that they should be thankful if they get anything. And, I’m yelling at Hubby for overindulging them by buying way too much crap for kids that already have way too much crap while at the same time telling him they need this one more thing. I struggle to find a balance, and waver between feeling guilty for giving them so much and guilty for not being able to give them more. And, I always wonder do super rich families feel bad that their kids have more than my kids? Should they? Should I feel bad that I’m able to give my kids the things they have because we worked super hard to be able to do so and I hate always feeling bad about my consumerism, but at the same time just can’t stop feeling that way. I really just want them to be happy and like you hate it when they are the kid who doesn’t have something. Although, I have to admit that I have only managed to remember the Scholastic book order thing like one time in the 3 years #1 has been in school. It’s pretty ridiculous.
.-= parenting BY dummies´s last post: Something New =-.
Mama Kat says
Yes!! You said it all! Damned if we do and damned if we don’t! I hate guilt.
Los says
Man, I loved that book box coming into class! Thanks for reminding me! My mom only let me participate once a year, which was plenty for me (although, I of course wanted to participate all the time!).
Roxane says
I have a feeling I’ll be just like you when I have children one day. My family has gone from the highest of highs to the lows of lows financially, and it’s impacted my sister and I in different way.
Growing up we always had enough but never extras, and I didn’t mind because children usually don’t. When I was in high school I was very sick with a severe anxiety disorder, I was completely unaware that we were now “rich”.
A few years later, when I was in college my family lost everything. While I was sad I had to drop of our school I was not nearly as devastated as my sister. She had grown up during the “rich” times and had enjoyed every perk to the fullest. She misses all the perks that I don’t remember getting.
.-= Roxane´s last post: The Non-Married Club =-.
Rhonda says
LOVE the new look!!!!
.-= Rhonda´s last post: Merry Christmas Santa … =-.
Sincerely, Jenni says
I am totally the same way with my girls. I buy them everything they “need” and then some. I never went without anything as a child, but my husband came from a very poor family– single mom of 5 kids– and no child support. So the lavishing our kids so they won’t go without anything mostly comes from him.
Yes, I worry they will not realize the value of things, and learning work ethic because everything has been given to them. It’s a tough line to walk.
.-= Sincerely, Jenni´s last post: So, let me get this straight… the early bird gets the worm, and the late bird gets a better deal? Pfffft. =-.
Mama Kat says
That’s exactly what I worry about…that they won’t understand the importance of working hard and appreciating the things they have…
mama-face says
Ha. Someone already said this, but when I read about you not doing this for the middle child my first thought was, “No, she won’t.” You will have to factor in guilt. ;)
Trudy says
Wow, that is a lot to think about. Maybe send an extra $.25 next popcorn day and Maile can find a friend to give it to that might not otherwise get any. Sounds like a win-win to me!
Oh, and the Scholastic book thing gave me chills…that was my FAVORITE day in school, when the book orders came in!
.-= Trudy´s last post: Happy "Sweet 16" Madeline! =-.
Mama Kat says
I have to say…I did send $5 to school last Friday and asked the teacher to buy everyone in class popcorn who didn’t have it. I wish I could do that every week.
Pretty sure Pat would kill me.
Gina says
I can promise you the teacher loved you for doing this. Trust me, it kills us educators to see the kids who never get anything each week too.
.-= Gina´s last post: Waffin’ Baby =-.
Kristen says
Cutie patootie! Tough battle. I think there are good sides to both. You’re a wonderful Mother.
Annissa says
Awwwwwwwwww you won’t shaft the middle child, you are the kind of mom who realizes that the middle child always gets the shaft, and fix it… but pretend like you don’t. LOL. Maybe, just maybe – you could give her an extra quarter and tell her that she can by a kid (a friend) some popcorn on Friday so they don’t feel left out. Yeah, see, that’s the kind of mom you are :)
I’m coming back from a blogging break. Re-did my blog, lost everything … and apparently you re-did yours too… and now your button is gone… humph…
.-= Annissa´s last post: Tuesday’s Random Thoughts =-.
S Club Mama says
Honestly, I hate to say it, she’ll feel like the middle kid sometime. I am a middle kid – child to TWO middle children – and I still feel like the middle kid. And that’s ok. It really is. It’s not so bad.
And I was the kid that wanted every book in the Scholastic book thing. I usually only got one once in awhile, but when I did, it was special.
.-= S Club Mama´s last post: update on sickies =-.
Emily says
I had that revelation last year. I started letting my child do without sometimes. He’s barely noticed it and it’s made a huge difference (for the better) in my life!
.-= Emily´s last post: Some-bunnies Christmas =-.
Emmy says
I am always torn when it comes to areas like this. I do not go to really fancy stores and buy the cutest and most popular clothes for my kids… but I also want them to look good. I figure kids are often so mean and will find something to tease about so I don’t want to be adding fuel the other kid’s fire.
I want my kids to appreciate what they have but I also don’t want them to go without. I always try and point out the reason that they can have nice things and the things they often ask for is because Daddy works really hard and went to school and got a good education so he can have a good job. So hopefully they can have nice things and understand that if you work hard in life that they too can have nice things.
.-= Emmy´s last post: Time For Tots: Sugar Cookies & Gratitude Game =-.
3 Men & a Lady says
I was never the one with Hostess snacks in my lunch, book orders every week, or the fancy folders with kittens on them. I was lucky to have a Little Debbie (if the child support came), maybe one or two book orders a year, and plain flimsy folders. And now my son is in school and recently I found myself telling him he didn’t need to order from the last book order and then I thought about it and was like “why not?”, most of the books he wants are only $4. It just seemed so indulgent to order almost every time. But I relented after thinking about how it wasn’t really a big deal, and I remember not getting a book on Fridays when the order came in. I guess growing up thinking it WAS a big deal made me frugal about it. But I did make sure got a fancy folder this year when school started. I’m sure as they grow up there will be things they felt they didn’t get, although it’ll be bigger better stuff than we didn’t get, so they WILL know the feeling a little at least. It’ll be all “I was the kid who didn’t get a car with a bow on top for my 16th” instead of Hostess snacks.
Funny how string cheese seemed fancy back then, huh? I remember feeling the same about it.
.-= 3 Men & a Lady´s last post: Tuesday Weigh-In =-.
Cascia @ Healthy Moms says
Wow, must be nice. Sometimes I wish I could get my kids everything that they want. But we don’t have much. We live in a small simple home. I don’t order from the school book orders. I can’t even order off of my kids’ fundraisers. If my child needs an article of clothing for something I usually visit Good Will or we just make do with what we have. My kids are having a simple Christmas this year, nothing special. When I was a kid we didn’t have much either. I believe that I am blessed, though. All my children are happy and healthy and that is all we really need.
.-= Cascia @ Healthy Moms´s last post: Wordless Wednesday | Christmas Lights =-.
Mama Kat says
I hope I didn’t come off sounding insensitive Cascia. I definitely know what it’s like to struggle. When Maile was born I wasn’t working and had we continued on that path we would have lost our house. It took a long time to get the daycare to the point where we were making enough money to make special runs to Target for red/white/and blue shirts for school spirit day. We are all blessed, because of course the most important thing is that we have family to love!
Lolli says
Doing without has been fabulous for my kids, I have to say. We have always had enough and more. Now that we don’t it’s interesting for me to see how they have adjusted. And you know what? They’re still happy.
.-= Lolli´s last post: And The Panic Sets In =-.
Jen @ buried with children says
I am sooo guilty of spoiling my kids, especially Hayden. I feel the need to give him more and more b/c of what I did to him my having triplets. When they were born, he immediately took a way, way back seat.
Molly says
I think we are all guilty of this but I never looked at it this way until you wrote about it! So thanks for making me feel worse missy!!! I try to give Ned everything I can because I want him to have the things I didn’t have, but like you say, I didn’t know that we were poor because we were happy. Now I work at a college with the generation we call the Entitled Kids, because they feel like they are entitled to everything. I am now going to make more of an effort to make sure that Ned doesn’t become one of those kids!
Mama Kat says
I know! The last thing I want is to raise a snobby child!
Momlissa says
Thank you for posting this. As others have said, this post rang true for me as well. I too don’t want her to miss out on anything at any time but am on occasion concerned with this sense of entitlement is doing to her. We’re going to have a shot this afternoon and I already promised her a trip to TRU for a toy afterwards if she is good for the shot (last time she had to be held down by 2 people and I will do anything to avoid that scenario). Does that make me a bad mom? Does it make me a bad mom to admit that I enjoy going to TRU almost as much as she does? Our school has lunch on Fridays and we have to pay for it. Part of me is ticked that I have to pay for it as the school is not inexpensive, but I can’t bear the thought of my little girl being the only one who doesn’t get a piece of pizza on pizza day. I’ve purchased Scholastic books for the same reason you mentioned, I remember the excitement of that day and don’t want her to be the only one who doesn’t get any when they arrive.
.-= Momlissa´s last post: =-.
Mama Kat says
I have done the exact same thing! If you get your shots we can go to TARGET and pick something out!! They get excited about the dollar section though so it does keep the cost way down. If they’re lucky I’ll let them pick out two things in the dollar section and they’re in heaven. I think all of us are parenting the best to our ability…it’s hard to know what the “right” way is.
Momlissa says
Oops, forgot to click the twitter icon.
.-= Momlissa´s last post: =-.
Triplets Plus Two Momma says
I am a BIG BIG BIG believer in INTENTION.
Your intentions are so noble and so authentic.
So much different than children that get spoiled for other reasons.
And I bet your children are probably the kind that would just as soon share their bag of popcorn with the kid who didn’t bring their quarter, then let a child go without.
It’s a fine line, I know. But I say your hearts intention wins out every time :)
Love the new blog design, by the way.
.-= Triplets Plus Two Momma´s last post: Do Straight Jacket’s Go Well With Khaki’s? =-.
Mama Kat says
You’re so nice! And so far I will say that Maile seems to be super giving and thoughtful with her friends…and I’m not just saying that because I’m her mom. :) She makes cards for her friends and brings them money for popcorn. She’s a good girl…so far…but definitely does the “I want I want” thing when we go shopping.
Stina says
i feel your pain. our son is spoiled, but that is because he is an “only.” he doesn’t have to share, or get passed down clothing and shoes, but we don’t buy him whatever he wants, whenever he wants either. he has to earn everything. i started babysitting when i was 12. i took that money and bought my own clothes and shoes, cuz my mom bought me horrible things. love her, but her taste in the late 80s early 90s…well, she had none when it came to teen gear. i bought my first car with babysitting money. since he is an only child, it is inevitable that he will be “spoiled.” he gets our full attention and love. the last thing i want is for him to grow up with a sense of entitlement. other kids in his class have older siblings and a Wii console. he wants one so he can play Super Mario, but we say “No.” i passed on the last few Scholastic flyers. in my opinion the book selections stunk {nothing for his age or gender, really} and he wasn’t interested in any of them either. take care, Mama Kat.
.-= Stina´s last post: While The Cat’s Away, This Mouse Gets Fat =-.
Texan Mama says
Dude, you are very very smart. I never thought of it that way.
But, trust me, once you have multiple kids in school, you will regularly use the line, “You’ll be fine without it. Suck it up.”
And, one way to cure your “guilts” is maybe to buy the hostess cupcake (or scholastic book or whatever) and tell Maile, “Today you get to pick someone to give the cupcake to. Maybe try to pick someone who usually doesn’t get a cupcake. And sit by them at lunch so they have someone to talk to.” That way, Maile gets to feel the gratification of having something, but also the satisfaction of giving away to people who have less.
.-= Texan Mama´s last post: I Hope I Get An "A" =-.
Mama Kat says
I love this idea!
And the “suck it up” attitude is totally how I was raised! Clearly a wonderful outcome. ;)
Liz says
Parents want to give their kids the things they didn’t have and make a better life for them. You are doing so with caution and you’ll have appreciative and generous kids because of it. Don’t sell yourself short!!!
Angelica Bays says
Hello??
I think TexasMama’s my identical twin!
Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!
Merry Christmas!
.-= Angelica Bays´s last post: Joy Kampia O’Shell =-.
Foursons says
My son went without a yearbook last year. I mean really- why the heck does 1st grade need a yearbook? He was so sweet and kind about it that it made me feel rotten. This year I ordered the book.
.-= Foursons´s last post: Almost Wordless Wednesday =-.
Holly L says
I can relate all too well to this post. I do all those things – up at 1 am for scholastic, trips to Target, etc. and although I know the world will go on if he doesn’t have a book or the right T-shirt, I keep doing it. My son was the only child for 6 years and it was so easy to do…now things are changing slowly because they have to…and I want them to. I will have to say too that my son is generous and he asks to buy or brings things or make things for the whole class…
.-= Holly L´s last post: Blatant Self Promotion and Bloggy Shopping =-.
Jenn says
I’m not a big fan of the word spoiled at all because it means nasty and rotten. Doesn’t sound like your kids are that :D My son could easily be seen as “spoiled” because he is an only child as well as the first and only grandchild both sides. I also feel the same way you do and I always want to make sure he has what I consider, the things he needs. No, he doesn’t really need book order books or money for pencils at the school store, but I didn’t always have those things and I want him to. I think it’s natural for us to want to give our kids the things we didn’t have.
The best thing is my son is a gracious and loving person. He opens the door for ladies, always says please and thank you, and is genuinely appreciative of everything he has. He comes to the food pantry with me to volunteer when he doesn’t have school. These are the things that are important! If you’re raising good people then who cares if they are indulged with popcorn money :D
Kristin says
I do the exact same thing. I think it is because I was the one without the “right shirt” not because we couldn’t afford it but because my mother just forgot. I know how it feels to be the one who is left at the office because mom didn’t sign the permission slip for the field trip and I never want my kids to feel that. I also teach them to give and to feel empathy.
.-= Kristin´s last post: One surprise after another =-.
Kyooty says
My kids don’t have cable, or even a digital receiver for the local stations, and they are learning that some don’t get these things, and they are some. Can you imagine if I gave them everything they came home asking for? I’d have to GO out and work!! (excuse me while I find a bonbon)
.-= Kyooty´s last post: Randomly Spelled Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.
Heather of the EO says
I’m not a spoiler. But it’s not because I try really hard. It’s just because I’m lazy and I hate shopping. Any kind of shopping. Even for hostess cakes. Yes, I’m weird.
I really like the idea of sharing those “extras” in life with a kid that doesn’t normally have any extras. Love it.
Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your new look. I’ve been out of the loop and missed THE BIG REVEAL. It looks GREAT, lady!
.-= Heather of the EO´s last post: Ours =-.
kisatrtle says
I sometimes have these feelings too. Oldest was whining about the Santa shop today and I didn’t want her to be left out. But lately I feel like my kids feel entitled to things that aren’t necessary something they should have. “tis the season to feel like we are messing it all up.
.-= kisatrtle´s last post: Five Things I learned in the Cafeteria =-.
Mama Kat says
Hahaha…I know! Sometimes my kids will throw giant fits about something they “want” and I’m just thinking “My God, what have I done to them?” Here’s hoping they turn out alright!! Cheers.
Jay says
Love the new look, your smoking-hotness.
.-= Jay´s last post: Evil is a Reality. Watch Your Kids. =-.
Mom Taxi Julie says
Sometimes I feel like I give my kids way too much. Then my daughter goes to her one friend’s house where they have WAY more. Then there is the other friend who hardly has anything. Maybe we are just the middle of the road lol. I’m amazed at what some kids get though.
.-= Mom Taxi Julie´s last post: Life Goes On =-.
Mama Kat says
I agree! Sometimes I’m like, yeah there’s just no way…A Nintendo DSL for Christmas??? Ummmm not gonna happen for this Kindergartener!
Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic says
Just remember this they are only babies once – spoil them while you can ;)
P.S. The blog looks AWESOME! ox
.-= Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic´s last post: tickled tuesday =-.
Mama Kat says
That’s IT Kelly, you’re RIGHT! Nintendo DSL here we COME!!! :) I don’t want my kids to grow up.
Tracee says
In life you have to pick your battles wisely. It’s easy to argue it’s overkill for someone else’s kid, but when it’s your own it’s harder. Sometimes I think one way and other times I think “He’s only young once”. I’m not going to regret the times I say that. He is my joy!
Lauren says
It’s not like you are buying her video games and candy…books and popcorn won’t ruin your kids! And they are very cute!! I can’t imagine them being rotten!
.-= Lauren´s last post: Re-Gifting =-.
Martha says
Sounds so much like me…my child should want for nothing, but want she still does…. sometimes I wish I had done things differently, but I was trying my best to make up for being a single parent when the ex left us.
.-= Martha´s last post: Random Thoughts Tuesday =-.
Jannica says
Hey there, I DM’d you on twitter and emailed you twice about the auction(baby love) my email is jaunca at yahoo dot com drop me a line, I’d love to pay up!
Kimberly says
I think you are doing a great job! They are super cute!!
.-= Kimberly´s last post: Big and Little Christmas =-.
RoKing says
Don’t worry, you are doing a great job being a Mom. I remember NOT having (oldest of 8 kids and I will understand) and raised 2 kids of my own. I didn’t always have enough for the goodies when my 2 needed them but now that I am a NANA, I make sure the grandkids are never the ones that don’t have enough for book day or popcorn day or Santa store. It is one of my greatest joys in life to spoil them, but they are really not spoiled. THEY ARE LOVED and I do know the difference now. Merry Christmas and keep up the good work. You are tooooo cute!!!!!!!
Ashley says
I ask myself this all the time. Good post
Natalie says
Oh, wow, great post! I find myself doing this a lot too, and we’re definitely not well off. I just want to make sure she’s not That Kid. I also realized I was probably going overboard on the Christmas presents. It took my guy to calmly point out how she won’t even realize what she’s missing, and she’s getting plenty.