Poor Jake.
Poor poor impressionable, sweet, nerdy Jake.
I don’t think he knew what he was getting into…or that ABC was going to present to him 25 crazy women and that he would have the challenge of finding the one normal one in the pack.
Jake is clearly over the charade of pretending to like girls he doesn’t like and is just sending them home every chance he gets.
Last night he had a date with Ella and Kathryn. Both were super nervous going into it because only one of them was going to receive a rose on this date. Only Jake decided that actually neither of them suit his taste and let them both go home.
Ella was all “I mean if this is the way you feel than fine…I guess…” and Kathryn was all “Are you sure about this? I just don’t understand…we just had a great conversation…I think you’re making a big mistake…are you sure about this??” And during her entire reaction me and my two friends sat and watched pained faces. Sssshhhh Kathryn. Just Sssshhh….Jake doesn’t like you honey. He can’t possibly be the first and he won’t likely be the last. Accept that.
I cringed as I watched Jake take the next group date to play in sand dunes on the Cali coast. This whole episode was a “road trip” up the coast of California…only my friends were all “OMG they’re not going UP! They’re going DOWN!! Why do they keep saying up??”
Or maybe I got that wrong and they were actually going down the coast but my friends said they were going up?? I don’t know. And I don’t care. And I have no idea why any of us spent useful brain energy thinking about what direction those buses were heading in…and still…here I am talking about it.
Jake and the women spent that date rolling around in sand and I wanted to puke. Just thinking of all that scratchy sand making it’s way into every uncomfortable crevice of each of their bodies. I wanted to personally give each of them a sponge bath. And I’m not even a clean or overly hygenic person. That’s how much sand bothers me. I actually want to bathe after I touch it. Mind blowing.
Let’s skip right over to the final rose ceremony.
Cori: Cute girl, non offensive, rolled with Jake in the sand dunes when no one else wanted to),
Ashleigh: Cute girl, thinks she’s sexy, practices faces in the bathroom mirror so that she can test them on guys when she’s trying to be attractive, a little awkward with Jake during her one on one time when she groped him and he responded like an awkward schoolboy.
Ali: Loved at first, but spends way too much of her time and energy hating on Vienna and making statements like “I’m going to need to TALK to him about her because if SHE’S his type than I DEFINITELY am NOT!” and she wears too much yellow. And bronzer. And not enough lipstick.
Gia: ABC has give Gia the “city slicker” role…like because she’s from the city she’ll be different than anything our country bumpkin Jake will have ever experienced. How will she adapt on a road trip to a Vineyard considering she’s from New York? How will she adapt to dinner eating hot dogs over a campfire considering she’s from New York? What will she think of all the stars in the sky considering you can’t see them in New York? Exciting storyline isn’t it!?! And yes. They played spin the bottle and made out.
Tenley: My friends are not fans of Tenley. She’s a bit annoying with her high pitched voice and her morals and what not, but I like her nonetheless. I think her Jake make the best match.
Vienna: The girls still hate her. ABC still is not showing what exactly Vienna did to cause such animosity, but they’re also not helping us fall in love with her. She’s a bit superficial and flighty and like totally like a daddy’s girl. Not a favorite.
Jessie: She’s been a filler since day one and the ONLY time she gets air time is when she’s warning Jake about what a tramp Vienna is. And she wears green eye shadow.
Jake was give six roses and told to choose six of the seven girls left to award the roses to. Only Jake couldn’t think of six girls and stopped mid ceremony to hunt Chris Harrison down and ask him if he could give five roses instead.
Chris Harrison went back to the ceremony and was all “women? Originally Jake was asked to send one of you home this evening, but he can’t decide which of you he likes the least and will therefore be sending home two of you this evening.”
Vienna, Ashleigh, and Jessie stood there waiting for Jake to make his anguished decision.
Vienna got the rose. “Like…oh my GAWD Jakey…don’t scare me like that!! Heheheheheee!!”
And the verdict is:
If you wrote about the Bachelor link up!
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
again… when is abc going to start paying you? i don’t watch this show but after your recaps each week i’m feeling hooked.
however, i do have a feeling your writing is way better than the show itself, what with the tramps and annoying bachelor and all. so maybe i’ll just stay hooked to your blog instead. :)
I hate the green eyeshadow.
Okay, so glad I’m not alone in this – when I watched the girl rolling in the sand dunes? All I could think (okay, yell at the tv screen) was SAND IN THE VA-JAY-JAY! SAND IN THE VA-JAY-JAY!! I mean really. I hope that was worth it, blonde-girl-who-I-get-confused-with-all-the-other-blondes.
This is the first Bachelor that I’ve watched since the very first one, and that one included the hot boys from the student house down the street and extremely strong martinis, so the bar is definitely set high. I flip back and forth between House & Bachelor, much to the annoyance of my husband.
Will be coming back for more commiserating!!
(In the meantime, stay away from sand dunes ;)
You write the best recaps!! I just feel awkward when I watch any scene with Vienna in it. If Jake really did “appreciate” Jessie’s advice, then why did he keep Vienna?? I don’t like Ali at all anymore…she spends too much time being mean.
If Gia does one more high-pitched flakey giggle, I will personally reach through the TV screen and smack her.
My pick is Tenley. I like Corrie, but I think she’s too young for Jake.
I have been subjected to this season more than once. Aside from crying about all of the IQ points it sucks from my skull I haven’t much to say. Ok, I lied.
Vienna looks like a muppet and an irritating one at that. And Jake just makes me want to smack him around and ask if he is really that dumb.
Ok, so this comment has NOTHING to do with your post, but I saw this today and you’ve GOT to create a video for it. Please! This came from The Ellen Show’s Twitter today: “Attention Followers! We’re looking for fun new talent so send me a YouTube link with the tag #GetOnEllen. Can’t wait to see what you post.”
Maybe the letters aren’t working, but this will! :-)
And now for the post-relevant comment. With him sending girls home right and left, is the season going to end early? Or is he going to have some soul-searching weeks where he can’t bear to let anyone go home?
Your site is loading faster, yeah!
It is actually UP the coast. There were up in my neck of the woods, so I know:)
I don’t know why I watch. It’s like this show has some crazy magnetic pull on me. And like the other Ashley, I too was wondering what was up with that wild green eyeshadow.
Your posts are a bazillion times more entertaining than the show! LOL.
Yo. Sand HURTS when you fall in it. Try skimboarding without being taught how. It does not feel good.
I have to agree. I wouldn’t date Tenley, but she and Jake are pretty much the best match.
Still lovin’ on Ali, though.
I’m still confused over why everyone hates Vienna too. Is it because she doesn’t look like a model and the model-like girls are annoyed by this? I’m just baffled.
I still haven’t watched the show, but I’ve decided that I don’t care for Vienna’s face one bit.
You really should be getting a paycheck for these.
I love you SO MUCH for this. So much that I’m writing in all caps–like, “OH MY STARS, SO MUCH! LET US BE LESBIAN LOVERS!”
And by “let US” I clearly mean me and you and Alecia. Oh, and wine.
Moving on..
*Ashleigh’s choo-cha was hanging out and she was all, “You want this?” and he was all, “Hell to the no. Please.” ‘Cause he’s nothing if not polite.
*Ella looks younger without makeup and Kathryn was embarrassing. Just GO, already. Yeesh.
*Gia has serious lip injections. Like all city slickers, or so we’re supposed to think. She has good boobs, too. Are they real? Faux? Does it matter?
*I love Tenley. She is my fave…and I think she is Jake’s fave. ‘Cause the three of us have MORALS. Deal with it.
*Vienna has a ridiculous name and she doesn’t know how to properly shade her gray eyeshadow. It looks like she’s wearing tombstones on her lids. Poor girl. I hate her name. Oh, did already say that?
*Jessie has really, really lustrous hair. And green eyeshadow. And good skin, but she had a big zit that was almost camouflaged, but not quite. It was disconcerting. I kept thinking, “Green eyeshadow–big zit…”
*I like Ali. But she is all up in Vienna’s grill. Maybe she likes vienna sausages. And yes, she does wear too much yellow, but actually she CAN wear yellow, so I give her credit for that. But I like Ali. For now. We’ll see.
*Jake is an enormous p*ssy. Yeah, I said that. He’s not even that cute.
Yeah, I said that, too.
Love me through it.
hahaha I am laughing at this comment.
Except, I’m sorry, Jake IS TOTALLY CUTE.
:)
I love reading your analysis of the Bachelor, I tend to feel the same. I’m think we need to stage an intervention with Ali and her canary yellow wardrobe, it doesn’t look that good.
I watched this torture yesterday and couldn’t stop laughing. I can’t imagine Jake married to any of those women and if I was his mother I would be dreading the episode when he brings one home
I have missed all of The Bachelor this season, but I DID see last night and was cracking up. Your recap is just the perfect combo with what I was thinking of them. I wish I had seen this FIRST!! Now I will be hooked and I will be back every damn week to see what ya had to say. I am linking up, but not quite sure I am qualified to be attached to you. That’s some good stuff, girl!!!
The whole premise of this show kind of makes my ass twitch a little. “Find love with 25 strangers while being filmed!”, I think I’d hurl the first night in the house.
OHMYGOD! My biggest pet peeve ever…besides Jake, is when people that don’t really know New York describe where something is and they say we went up when the place they are describing is downtown!
True, I have been in New York my whole life BUT it is actually a very easy city to learn. It is set up like a grid and is very easy to navigate until you head downtown and then even I get lost. It is truly just too massive for one to know all of its ins and outs but you better at least know when you say you are going up that you are going uptown.
OHMYGOD, hate that mistake. Think girls, think.
Sadie at heymamas
For the record they went up (north) the coast from LA to Pismo to Saratoga/Los Gatos …next to SF…man had I known I could have been the crazy stalker in the background. Ah. next time. ;)
Sooooo are you hating on my green eyeshadow? It’s subtle, I swear.
Walking out of the gym, I again saw 30 seconds of the sand surfing, but ummm it actually looked fun to me. Love your recaps :)
OK, this is the second time you have mentioned something I was considering posting– you must be psychic or are reading my mind… all the same, I consider directions based upon how you look at them on a map. If you go north you go up, south– down. So it appears they were going up the coast.
I must agree with eveyrthing you said!! I honestly believe if it’s possible, he would send everyone home already and just have three girls (Ali, Gia and Tenley) – I’m not feeling anything from Jake that he’s really into any one of them. I’m sure this will change very soon, but I feel like he’s griding his teeth with frustration. But I feel Tenley is the best match for Jake – I think she’s really a sweetheart.
BAHAHAHA…. I’ve been waiting for your post ALL DAY! Thank you for finally delivering! And I’m excited to see what you come up with for Ellen!! (*thumbs up!*)
I love playing in sand, but eating it like Tenley did would not be fun. Riding the dune buggies would be a blast, and I would absolutely have driven over riding with Jake… go Corrie!
I was a little surprised to see the change in Ali, but she’s growing on me (again) with this new vicious side. ABC sucks and is kinda pissing me off because of all the manipulating (mostly us) they are doing! Why in the WORLD would Jake keep Vienna around? Maybe HE NEEDS HER DADS MONEY?!?!
Word.
You forgot to add under Vienna’s summary “horse faced”. LOL!
Oh, and I am not a fan of sand either. Unless I am lying on it with a towel and a cold beverage in hand.
Oh geeeeez! This episode was interesting, for sure. I like Tenley and Gia…not liking Vienna!
“Only Jake decided that actually neither of them suit his taste and let them both go home.”
Were the girls not informed that this was what the show was about before they started to participate?
Love reading your recaps and I share them with my husband and co-workers as well since we all discuss the show. I still like Ali but agree she needs to vary her wardrobe. I think she wears yellow all the time so she stands out and he doesn’t overlook her.
I still like Tenley and think she would be his best pick. I don’t understand why everyone hates Vienna so much and thinks it’s mean they all gang up on her. That’s just going to make Jake keep her around longer and make him feel sorry for her.
I think Gia is okay too and thought it was stupid they made such a big deal about her being from New York and not being up to camping. I did think it was stupid of her to wear that dress camping when he was in a flannel shirt and jeans. She lost points with me there.
Corrie is okay too. I’m glad he kept her.
I give Jake credit for not wanting to keep girls that he knows he won’t choose in the end. I like that he’s speeding things up a bit and I respect him for not leading them on. I didn’t get at the end though when he acted it would be so hard to choose who goes and then all of a sudden during the ceremony, he had no problem tossing off two instead of just one.
The camping, the road trip and the sand dune date all looked fun to me.
Wow, this is turning into one big cluster…well you get the idea. People who were good are bad, people who were bad are worse. Yeesh! It’s too bad Vienna is in the house still because she is totally bringing out the worst in my early fave Ali. Oh well, I guess it was Wes for Gillian and now it is Vienna. The Where’s Waldos of the Bachelor. They blend in at first, but in the end they stick out for being ugly.
You’re spot-on about the fact that Ali is losing her appeal because all she does is talk about Vienna. I don’t understand why they complain about not having time with the guy, but then when they get it, they waste it by talking about the other girls CONSTANTLY.
That being said, doesn’t Jake remember the fact that HE was the one warning Jillian about Wes last season? He was so adamant that he was right about that, and he was, so I don’t understand how he can say things like, “I heard every word you said” to Jessie as she’s walking out the door while Vienna is holding a rose. Ugh.
Vienna is just too diva for a dork like Jake. The “I want to be the last one he kisses before he goes to bed” tactic was just a little much. She’s not mature enough. She reminds me a lot of Shayne Llamas, and we all saw how she and Matt turned out.
My girlfriends and i get together every week to watch…our own Bachelor Party! As you’ll read in my post, Jake used to annoy me but his recent growth of “a pair” has really changed my view! I love reading your thoughts after the show!
I was shocked!!!
1) I think Vienna’s there because people will watch to try to figure out WHY she’s still there. Lame.
2) I really liked Ella, but the more I thought about it, the connection just WASN’T there between her and Jake. It does make me a little sad that he was so pre-mature in meeting her son and everything. How awkward was that for him in the end?!
3) I like Gia – didn’t at first, but now I kinda do. I still don’t feel that she is THE girl for him though.
4) I like Ali and Tenley. There’s still a tie. I wish that a) Tenley would let loose a little bit. There’s something that seems a little too fake. Like, come on, I realize you’re still in the “dating stage”, but let loose…who are you really? and b) Ali would stop talking so much crap about Vienna.
It IS NOT the girls’ jobs to warn Jake…he will figure it out. If he doesn’t, he’s a McDouchey.
5) Ashley. Awkward. There were crickets in the room when they sat together. Nuff said.
6) Kathryn…”I think you’re making a big mistake.”…are you joking, Honey? He doesn’t even know anything about you. Go.home.
7) Jessie. She does seem like such a sweetheart, but definitely not for him. Mostly because of the eyeshadow. Sick.
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I don’t watch the Bachelor…but hearing your version of it makes me want to start watching this season! :)
Im not the only one who notices that Ali ALWAYS WEARS YELLOW!! Gosh it’s starting to drive me insane. I seriously feel better about this knowing that you also recognized this. :)
hey, just stopped by to say you look like Corrie! Have you got that before? :)
Okay, Ashleigh. I couldn’t stand looking at her. She’s got a huge head and I hate her nose. Ali… I like her and I like the fact that she wears only a little makeup instead of the rest of them who cake it on even for casual dates (Tenley!). She looks good in yellow and obviously knows it, hence her wearing it for every.single.rose.ceremony. Gia is cute, but she’s got a bit of a speech impediment or something and her lips are really wide, which remind me of The Joker. Vienna? Despise her. Manipulative, ugly bitch. Her eyes totally freak me out. I swear, they’re the kind that would follow you around the room without actually moving.
Justine :o )