Freakshow #1:
Jake is a goober. Jake is a nerd. And Jake is straight from 1952….BUT…he TOTALLY stepped it up a notch last night for me when he called out kissy face Elizabeth. She was the one who was all “You can’t kiss me until you’re putting ring on my finger mister!!” and we were all “Oh she must have morals!” but then she was all “you really wanna kiss me don’t you! I wanna kiss YOU…I’m a really good kisser you know….do you wanna kiss me now?? Uh uh uh, oh no you don’t! But you want to right?”
SO annoying.
I thought I was the only one seeing through her teasing shenanigans, but Jake called her out last night and in so doing revealed that Elizabeth is not all right up there. He was trying to tell her she was confusing him by saying she wouldn’t kiss him and then proceeding to be extremely flirtatious.
“Almost like yer danglin’ a carrot” as Jake would say.
They were discussing all of this on the night of the final rose ceremony and it totally threw pretty little Elizabeth for a loop. “I didn’t know if he wanted me to kiss him so that I could get a rose tonight or what.” Yes Elizabeth. That’s what that was all about. Jake wants you to prostitute yourself out for a rose.
And then my favorite, “I don’t understand why he’s pressuring me to kiss him. I’m not just some fish in the pond waiting for the hook…by the way I’m still choosing HIM, he needs to remember that!” It’s like she can’t understand that somebody might be OKAY with not kissing and actually agree to respect the request she made. Something was just not clicking in her head. She didn’t get it.
And then when he realized she was a moron and didn’t give her a rose, her response to him was, “I should have kissed you.”
NOBODY WANTS TO KISS YOU!!!!!
Freakshow #2
Michelle is the one who told Jake she wants to be “his copilot” at the end of this. That without a doubt he is her man and she is there for love and she really wants a husband and it’s HER turn to give her mom grandbabies and Jake is perfect.
And then she feared Jake wasn’t interested and started packing her bags so that someone could talk her into staying and so she could have an emotional discussion with Jake about how hard it’s been for her to see him with other girls.
On their group date the women had to perform at a comedy club and Michelle came up with a bit that went something like this, and I’m not making this up, “Ever notice that there are like palm trees everywhere….but there are no coconuts on them I wonder where they arrreeee….” and then she tapped her chest with the microphone.
Ahem.
Ummmmm….
What??
Please just take a moment and read that joke one more time because I swear to you…for the rest of my life…when I feel uncomfortable, I’m going to repeat that. I am making it mine.
Later she described what it will be like when she kisses Jake for the first time, “When I kiss Jake for the first time it will be long and passionate…” and then went on to mention “crazy tongue in mouth” and “crazy pulling hair”…how about just plain old crazy Michelle…how about that?
During her one on one chat with Jake she was all, “how are you doing?” and he was all “golly I’m having a really hard time right now” and she was all “I know what you mean…as you can see I’ve been crying so let’s talk about that”. Jake obliged and listened to Michelle go on and on AGAIN about the whole wanting a husband and being there for the right reasons things and in the MIDDLE of that tangent she was all, “would it be really awkward if I asked for a kiss right now?? To see how well we click?”
Yes Michelle. It would be really awkward. It’s awkward for ME and I’m not even there. Please just stop talking…for…like…ever.
Jake obliged again and she was all “that’s IT! I mean…you gotta give me more than that!” I don’t know who she thinks she’s wooing here, but Jake does not strike me as the crazy-tongue-kissing-hair-pulling type. Not to mention that would have been a little awkward to watch as well. She then went into her whole “maybe I should just go home if you don’t want me here” shpeal. AGAIN. And she waited for Jake to tell her how much he wanted her there, but Jake is so fed up with this whole ridiculous process that he told her she should GO! Hahahaha…he’s growing on me. He really is…the way a hair colic that can’t be tamed and eventually just starts to build character and look cute all on it’s own does. Jake is my hair colic.
The rest of the drama centered around Vienna, and to be honest I can’t make up my mind about her. She’s that girl in the house that everybody hates and aside from just not being that attractive I can’t figure out why. She’s a little bit “valley” for my taste, but she seems harmless enough. I wouldn’t pair her with Jake in a million years, but I don’t think she’s deserving of the backlash she’s receiving from the girls. At least not from what they’ve shown. But Jake loves her. They went bungee jumping together and he credits her for being strong and helping him face his fear of heights. So they’re in love now.
Ali is the biggest Vienna hater of them all. I liked her better when she just seemed sweet, but her claws have come out and she’s not cute, “I was upset, not because one of the girls were goining on a one on one date with Jake but because YOU went on a one on one date with Jake and you came home.” SNAP!
I’m no longer a fan.
And the roses go to:
Bye Bye Elizabeth, Valeshia (was she even in the episode?), and Michelle Belle:
If you wrote about The Bachelor link up so we can all ramble on and gossip about a show that is stealing hours of our life that we will never get back and let your readers know where they can find more links (ahem.):
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
So happy to read your Bachelor post (FINALLY!) because I don’t have one (toady is #3’s bday). I will send all two of my faithful Bachelor recap readers to you, although I’m like 90% sure they already read you because pretty much everyone (including my own mother) reads you.
An, no. You were not the only one who thought that Elizabeth was a dirty little tease. That is what you called her, right?
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Haha my favorite is that Elizabeth is not “JUST vanilla” she’s “ALL the colors of the rainbow”….hmm, that must be what the V in ROYGBIV stands for. But she doesn’t have to be smart I suppose, since she’s can “get a date any night of the week.” That’ll definitely hook a guy.
Ali…I still like Ali. I don’t know why. She is a bit bitchy now, to be honest, but I still like her the most. I was really surprised Corrie’s little “comedy” scene went the way it did…I figured as soon as she started the laughter would stop. And yes…Valisha? I didn’t even SEE her until the rose ceremony. Where the crap was she hiding?
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:23 pm
Valeshia, Kathryn, and Jessie are serious fillers. They don’t get ANY air time.
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Ok, I’m all confused now…perhaps if I watched the show, I’d know more clearly who are the villains here.
And didn’t I hear someone say “I’m pregnant” on the TV promo? Who the hell was that?
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I didn’t post today about Bach but I will next week probs. However, I wish I had because that shit was ridiculous. Michelle is CRAZY TOWN! Elizabeth is CRAZY TOWN! Who is Valisha?! When he kicked her off I was like wait who is that?
Jake is just annoying. He was extremely hormonal last night. Not cute.
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Nooo! I had such high hopes for Ali! Why, oh why did she have to crack under the pressure?
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
I did too…she’s not as mature as she looks. I was SO hoping for a classy girl out of that one. Maybe next episode she’ll pick it back up a notch.
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I forgot who I rooted for when you first posted so now I’ll have to go back and see if my picks are still in.
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Ok so I went back and looked I had picked Elizabeth and Gia. Remember I was only picking by what you said and their pictures so I didn’t know Elizabeth was wacky. But Gia is still in, you haven’t said much about her.
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Gia is still in and I actually am a fan. She hasn’t done anything obnoxious yet…her one on one date will be next week so let’s hope she keeps her composure. ;)
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Valeshia (was she even in the episode?) <– thank you! When I saw her during the rose ceremony I was like….uhhh? Who the heck is that?
I liked Ali a lot until she got so catty with Vienna. Vienna may be self-absorbed but she doesn't deserve the level of cruelty going on there. Is she irritating? Maybe. Can you just ignore her? Yepp :D
I'm so glad he got rid of Michelle and weirdokissyface because they were both done!
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LOL! I don’t need to watch the show, I just need to read your blogs. They’re much more entertaining.
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You Bachelor post are hilarious!
I would like to point out a 3rd freakshow…aka, Jake. The pansy sitting on a bridge, clinging onto Vienna. Dude, grow a pair.
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:26 pm
SO true!!! He was practically in the fetus position. I’m pretty sure men aren’t supposed to act like that…just fake it Jake.
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I love your updates, I don’t watch the show but these are hilarious.
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LOL, wtf is the coconut stuff about? I didn’t get it at all…. I hope I wasn’t the only one not to.
Ella is pretty, I didn’t see her on your first post. And I still think *woof* when I see Vienna. So her personality much rock if he likes her.
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Can I just say that you hit the freakin’ nail on the freakin’ head. No one could have summed it up better, Kat. Suuuuriously.
Last night was the first night that I was sucked in and I figured things out quickly. Freak Show #1 and #2 were the first things that I figured out.
I liked how Michelle said, “I came here for a husband and he kicked me to the curb!” ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME, GIRLFRIEND? Did you miss the part where you whined dramatically about how YOU didn’t want to be here? Just because he’s not feeding into your crap doesn’t mean that he’s not a nice guy. If he didn’t want you there in the first place, I don’t think you would have had a rose every single night before that, sweetheart…unless ABC paid him extra so that you could stay around and keep America guessing as to why you were even alive.
Elizabeth. Bimbo. Nuff said. That chick thought she was dreamy. I haven’t figured out why.
Did I mention that Michelle is a WACKO? “I want to give my momma grandbabies. It’s my turn. Everyone thinks it’s my turn.” Creeeeeeppppster.
Want me to keep going? No? That’s never stopped me before. Let’s talk about Vienna. At first I liked her, but now I’m thinking she’s a little shady. I don’t think she’s AS shady as the other girls in the house would like to think, but something’s not right. I don’t know why she thinks that her and Jake are sooooooo close compared to everyone else.
Ella. As of last night (remember: first night watching), she’s my fav.
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
They should give Michelle her own reality show…oh my gosh just IMAGINE if she was the next bachelorette. Pure entertainment right there.
I like Ella too…but I’m not feeling the chemistry between the two of them.
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What I love is that I don’t have to watch – I can read your recaps and get all the best highlights of the show!
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The very best part of the whole show…for me anyway (being a former single mom and all) was when he flew Ella’s son in and they all went to Seaworld…at first I was shocked and a little put off…but then I thought “well if he really wants to know what life with her and her son is like…then what better way to find out”. She’s one of my faves!
This cracked me up:
Valeshia (was she even in the episode?)
Cause I was thinking the same damn thing! lol.
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
That WAS the best part…I had tears. I can imagine how much you might be missing your baby away for so long like that. She was cute.
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So whow was pregnant?
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
That was such a horrible preview tease. I missed it, but apparently Tenley sat him down and said “I have something to tell you…I’m pregnant…” and then was all “just kidding!!” ABC sure knows how to yank our chains.
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Pregnant comment – Tenley…but she was just joking. pretty funny I thought. You can watch it on Chris Harrison’s blog.
And yes, the most awkward of the night was Michele’s jokes. Seriously. I am still at lost for words on that one. And I did finally get her description of their first kiss out of my head…Thank Kat for bringing that one back. I now feel sick to my stomach ;)
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:31 pm
It just kills me that she came up with jokes and must have thought there was something funny about them. I just didn’t get it at all! No coconuts?? What? She’s so weird.
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I haven’t even read half your post yet, but I just read about Elizabeth and I have to tell you my favorite quote from her of the night was
“I’m not just Vanilla – I’m all colors of the rainbow”….
Err – Vanilla is a color?
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lalalalalalaaaaaaaaaa… i can’t read it… lalalalalala… I didn’t watch it yet… lalalalalala……………..
Justine :o )
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Hey so I know you read Reality Steve also. I have a link I would like to share with you. Shoot me an email.
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I am so with you. I was totally Team Ali, but you’re right…the claws came out. I’m not a Vienna fan. First of all her name is a kind of sausage. And secondly, she’s just really self-centered and immature. Those don’t work in a marriage. I’m starting to get the feeling that Jake ends up not picking anyone…but that’s just me.
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Mama Kat Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
She is kind of sausagey too…if you think about it. Maybe Ali will be better next week.
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Oh my heavens it is SO much more fun to read your posts then to actually watch the show (too painful – I am one of those people who gets embarrassed for people I don’t even know and it HURTS me!)
So much better to just read your hillarious breakdown of what went down – love it!
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Aww…you really shouldn’t be so hard on Elizabeth, I mean she did tell him last week that he could make out with her forehead all night if he wanted!
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I can’t decide whether or not I want to actually put the effort into watching it or if I would rather just read your blogs. This is the best synopsis ever!
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I am respecting Jake more and more. He seems to be a smart cookie. I love it.
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I really liked Lizzie in the beginning and Ali too. But now….I don’t even have a favorite.
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I’m so glad Michelle is gone!! She was a mental case and needed some serious help!
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Well, thank goodness for this post because my DVR didn’t record the last 10 damn minutes!!!!! Oh, I was soooooo happy to see that nutcase, Michelle, go home. And Elizabeth? Ewwwww!
Vienna. Her eyes bug me out. They’re so black and beady. But I think she seems to be the most honest of all the women there. And Ali, yes, her claws are coming out, but I think her heart is the right place while doing it. She hasn’t been flat-out mean (okay, except for that one comment). I think she’s genuinely looking out for Jake. Well, and herself of course. But Vienna… still need a bit more time (and less editing!) to make my final decison.
Justine :o )
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I was so hoping that Ali wouldn’t be THAT girl. Such a shame.
BEST Bachelor post I’ve read, hands down!
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Great minds think alike– I feel the same way about Ali now — and I’m just as confused about Vienna. What did she do to make everyone hate her?
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LMBO! I love it sooo much! I’m glad to be following you!
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I LOVED your write up on the show! Excellent and you picked the highlights.
“…he needs to remember that..” I just about fell off my chair!
And the “you need to give me more than that” I almost gagged. She didn’t deserve more!
Yeah, I like him. He’s calling it like he sees it. You have to respect him for that much. I saw the snippet about the next show where he doesn’t want to give out two roses and burns one of them? Woah.
Ali – I liked her at first, but her ugly is showing. If she keeps attacking Vienna, then she won’t be able to focus on HIM and he’ll see it.
I liked the Ella and her son. Cool that he invited her son for her birthday. Seemed natural together. She seems to “have it together” and she didn’t bring up any Vienna bashing.
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okay, I am going to have to start watching this show…Crap!
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I don’t read many people’s Bachelor recaps because I hang on every word of it. But yours make me laugh. Hysterically. Between the way you described Michelle’s joke and describing Jake oh-so-accurately as a hair colic, I was belly laughing here. I wish you’d join us on twitter one of these Mondays. Have you read any of the spoilers?
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Best episode ever. When he asked Michelle to leave, I was so happy. She’s whacko. I hope that Tenley is kidding about being pregnant because I seriously love her. She’s super sweet and cute. I also love Gia though, she seems awesome.
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I am sadly addicted to this show and I love Jake. He is a nerd. But, I don’t care. He’s sweet. And I’m so glad crazy Michelle and manipulative Elizabeth are goners!!
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I just wonder where they find these people. Haha.
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Michelle reminded me of the weird Sophomore girl who jerks her boyfriend around on a chain and stomps off every time he does something she doesn’t like. I am so glad Jake so through it and let her go.
I thought I liked Ali too until last night. She’s totally the Regina George of the sorority who can make everyone hate a girl just because she feels like it.
That said, Vienna’s name and hair extensions make me not like her much. She must not know how to act around girls.
I like Ella the best, but I don’t know if there’s chemistry there.
I also like Tenley…think I’ll pull for her.
I also think I like 1952. I wish more guys acted like Jake instead of walking around the house in their boxers, burping, and watching ESPN all day on their day off. Ooops…have I said too much?
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Ok so last night as I was leaving the gym and putting on my coat, I had to stop in front of the tv in the women’s locker room (it’s where my coat was) and the coconut thing was on when I was putting on my coat, and OHHH was that weird and creepy. So I walked away… glad I got the rest of the recap from you though ;)
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I’m not supposed to like watching this show! Anyway, loved your post and I totally agree. I was wondering if I missed something with Vienna because all the other girls hate her so much. I haven’t seen any reason for it, but who knows with the editing, you know? The very first episode I hated her too, because she’s one of those girls with a rich daddy/named after a European city/hardcore Paris Hilton wannabe, but whatever. I tentatively like her the best until they actually show her being the witch the other girls say she is.
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a hair colic???? um, what?
and even though I read this every week….and dearly love your posts….I have never watched it! can you believe that? Why would I when your posts are so good?
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oh, you mean a cowlick?????
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I know right?!?!
I just had this same convo with my coworkers today. He stepped it up. The bachelors never tell the crazy girls the truth and he did. Woot! Woot! to him. I’m glad they’re both gone becuase they were crazy, but on the other hand, they made for good reality tv.
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They are all straight up crackwhores.
Meaning, they’re all SO our people.
I like Tenley. She looks kinda elfin, but I like her.
And Ella is from LaFollette, TN…that’s just about an hour from here. So she really is my people. And even though she looks 40, but is only 29, she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Which is a swell thing, since she’s a hair stylist. Her son is cute and Jake was all, “Watch how I can be a baby daddy!” Cute.
Vienna has a stupid name. And she is STUPID for bungee jumping. I’d do that for NO man. Except Jason Statham.
That is all.
p.s. The funniest thing about Michelle’s coconut joke is that…well…I’ll be nice here…she had no coconuts. On her chest. Those were kiwi.
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I don’t watch the bathcelor, and I’m glad I don’t cause it’s totally not my cup o’ tea, but your retelling of it is hillarious. :)
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