An Open Letter To Victoria’s Secret

(I’m guest posting for Jen at Buried with Children today…stop on by if you want to read about what not to do to keep your children occupied while you spend time on the computer.)

Dear Victoria and all your Secrets,

I love you. I do. You and I have a secret of our own, don’t we? And it’s the pretty penny I send you every time I order from your website. Your hoodies have treated me well and although you’ve discontinued the over sized boyfriend hoodie, I did manage to snag three of them and I’d like to thank you for that.

I should also thank you for all of my undergarments and swimwear. Where would I be without you? I know not.

That all being what it is…and perhaps I’m getting a bit “behind in the times” as I continue to age…but…what am I supposed to do with this?:

You say that you’re “turning up the sultry with the new Topless Bikini.”

Ummm.

Please turn the sultry back down Victoria…some secrets are better kept to yourself. I can’t think of one person who would look good wearing your new “monokini”, including your starving models and their long luscious locks.

I’d also like you to take your shredded stretch pants off your shelves. You’d be doing a favor to all women everywhere. You’d be saving grown mothers from looking like hookers and you’d be saving young crazy twenty-somethings from looking like…well hookers.

I’m starting to wrap my brain around the fact that jumpers like these are making a comeback:

It will take some time before they don’t remind me of 1988, when I wore my red jumper religiously….but I’m getting there. This spin on the jumpsuit is a little much for me…even on vacation in the Carribean….especially on vacation in the Carribean:

And lastly…sequins are best left to Dancing with the Stars. I don’t care who you are or what island you’re on or how old you are…the sequins must remain in the ballroom.

I hope we can maintain a healthy relationship despite the newest additions to your winter catalog. I’m here to help. Really I am. I need something to spend my money on and you’re making that desire very difficult to fulfill.

Just bring back the over sized boyfriend hoodies Victoria…please. Keep your monokinis and African jumpsuits and please just bring back the hoodies.

Yours truly.

Kat

Comments

    • says

      *holding hand* The jumpsuit is back sweety. It is. Sssshhhh I know…I know….we survived the return of the skinny jean and we’ll survive this too.

  1. says

    The one jumpsuit looks like something M.C. Hammer wore in the late 1980′s, doesn’t it?

    And, I guess the only way you can wear the Monokini on most U.S. beaches is if you have long hair that sticks to your …. ummm … dirty pillows?

    • says

      Yes. Long unmoving hair and not an ounce of extra weight….just imagining myself bubbling over in that suit makes me smile…kind of tempted to buy one just to do a “review”…or not.

  2. says

    lmbo hence why I say Victoria isn’t leaving many secrets to expose.. I wouldn’t even come close to fitting in ANY of that. They don’t make bras in my size DDD and if they did it wouldn’t be much more then nipple tassles and I sure won’t wear those lol.

  3. says

    Bahahaha hopefully this will make it back to Vicky Secrets some how, I for one will personally send it LOL. I know fashion repeats itself but we are ALL doomed rocking the 80′s again! Hey maybe after your “photos” you can moonlight as one of their non-hookerish, non-monokini wearing models?

  4. says

    Jumpers, I cannot believe that they are making a comeback….and a topless bikini?!?!? UGH, I mean really this is the USA, I don’t think many people around here go topless without getting in trouble!

    I love Vicky’s but I’ve found over the years that their bras make my 34DD boobs look bigger than they need to and then ppl ask me if I have implants. So for now for undergarments I’ll stick to Macy’s but I do still love their boyshorts and pajamas!

  5. kiki says

    i’m agree with you on all of VS’s fashions here {love your face on all the pics}, but i am digging the gladiator sandals in the tights and the jumpsuit pics. i will be checking them out on-line today to buy them. i think the first pic is meant for countries where frontal nudity on the beach is commonplace, like Italy. i only know this cuz i was there on the beaches and women walked around in bottoms, but no tops. seriously. thanks for sharing and take care.

  6. says

    My “secrets” are too big for Victoria’s, so I don’t shop there. Just who do they think will buy these new styles? Are they trying to lure in international online shoppers?

    As far as the monokini, I think that a wrestling (the Olympic kind, not WWE) singlet would probably do nicely in a pinch, if we’re into looking ridiculous on the beach this summer.

  7. says

    I am whole-heartedly agreeing with you. Is it just me or does that monokini look a bit like a dominatrix get up. Hey! I think I just found their niche market on that one!

  8. says

    I’m thinking they should put the topless bikini in the lingerie section since I don’t even know WHERE IT’S LEGAL to wear that in the United States!!! Have they gone off the deep-end?! Do people really buy this for their weekend trip to the beach?

  9. says

    is Vicky for rizzel!?!! a topless swimsuit…REALLY???? oh man. they must have their hands in the boob job industry. why else would they think anyone would wear this suit…even alone in their house, much less on a public beach!

    and the jumper – seriously? is that so the models can hide their diaper (b/c of all the laxatives they take – work with me here).

    however, i have to say that the sequin swimsuit is really cute! i would probably totally wear that. maybe not when i’m 50. but i’m 27 and i think the sequins are fun! (please don’t judge me).

  10. says

    OMG I am sooo with you. A good chunk of my wardrobe and my ENTIRE undergarment wardrobe is Victoria, but I swear I have actually thrown away the last couple of catalogs I’ve gotten without even opening them. That’s how bad some of that shit is.
    I’m in danger of paying off the card if I don’t find something else to buy soon.

  11. jennee says

    Haha! This is so funny. It takes me back to the few months I spent selling bras and folding panties…

  12. 3 Men & a Lady says

    Um, that’s not a topless bikini. It’s a onepiece minus booby holders. And it’s super ugly. Why not just wear bottoms ONLY instead and avoid the horrid tan line that thing would cause?

    And you are right on with the sliced up leggings. They might as well have “TRAMP” screen printed on the rear. Not digging the jumpers, either. They make me think of Captain and Tenille.

  13. says

    Oh my. You put it very well: some secrets are best kept to ourselves! I can’t believe they tried to sell that topless bathing suit with a way-too-skiny flat model. They would have had much better luck with someone who has boobs. Not that it would have made it any less ugly.

    And the jumpers? Should have stayed in the decade that they came from. Why is it that when people make fun of certain old fashion trends for decades that some people think that it is a good idea to bring them back? Don’t they know that people are STILL making fun of them?

    Fun post!

  14. says

    You KNOW there are a handful of women out there who are wearing all of the above thinking, Damn, I look hot! And I’ll be sitting there waiting for you to cross my path, and oh yes, there will be finger pointing and snickering…

  15. says

    oh my gosh…you are to funny!!!!!
    but i have to agree…..alot of the 80′s looks just aren’t doin’ it for me either?!!?!?
    nothing better than a good hoodie!!!!

  16. amber says

    Those shredded leggings are simply horrific. And what beach in the U.S. would even let you wear that “monokini?” Whatevs, Vicki, stick to those lovely bras that fit so well…and yoga pants. And hoodies.

  17. says

    Just dropping by from Jen’s site to say hi. I know nothing of Victoria and her secrets except those secrets are not cheap.

  18. says

    LOL!!! I got the catalog the other day and was flipping through it (and my husband was peering over my shoulder) when I came to the stripe jumper, my husband busts out with “Hammer time”!! It looks like a hammer pants jump suit!

  19. says

    Topless bathing suit!!! Oh I so do not want to see anyone in one of those.

    And the colors of the jumpers, wow… yeah wow.

  20. says

    Hmmm. Monokini….. maybe they are for Europeans. I don’t really know of a public beach or pool in the US where you could wear that and not be arrested.

  21. says

    AMEN! Most of what you say is dead on… Monokini? Please how rediculous. The cut up pants look like the girl got into a fight with Freddy Kruger and don’t even get me started on the anorexic looking models.
    Found your blog from my pal Mrs. D and am glad that I did… gonna link you to mine if that is ok.

  22. says

    You had me in hysterics. That was so awesome. What on earth would you do with that black one piece bathing suit??? Wow. And I could not agree with you more about the shredded leggings. Hooker all the way!!! LOL

  23. says

    I can just see mom’s everywhere wearing the shredded sweats. Sitting in their living rooms, toddler toddling up to climb up Mt. Mommy & single toed-ly pantsing dear ol’ mom. All it would take is one bare foot in one of those slits & no one would have any secret’s, ha!

  24. says

    I totally agree with everything you said…with the exception of the green sequined bikini. I like that one. Not that I would ever wear it because well, that teeny tiny bottom would get lost in my fat rolls. But still, it’s cute!

  25. says

    OMG, I adore how you insert your faces in there. You’re beautiful! Okay, the slit-up pants are just disgusting. Looks like something worn by that guy from Twisted Sister in the 80s. The jumper? I could almost see it working if they hadn’t made the pants part look like something a clown would wear.

    Justine :o )
    Just sneezed and wet my pants. Thought you’d wanna know.

  26. says

    hilarious. and wow mamakat. you have a KILLER body. you must not have eaten, since… i don’t know, your baby boy was born. so thats the secret, huh?

  27. says

    All I have to say, is that the monokini or whatever its called has got to be perfect for the breast feeding mother. But on the other hand, I am pretty sure that no mother would wear that but it would be pretty convenient, yes!?

    And thank you. Thank you for the laugh. I really needed it today and also for the guest post. You totally ROCK!

  28. Ghada says

    eeks! Those are truly unflattering pieces of clothing. Mind you the jumpsuits look uber comfy for a day at home.

  29. says

    That’s hilarious. Seriously, who wears that stuff? I’m wondering if the market for the topless bikini are the tourists that go to topless beaches. No need to undo any straps and slip out of your top with that one.

    So odd, it makes me laugh.

  30. says

    Ok….obviously they are not pitching clothes to Moms. While right now, I have a great rack due to BF’ing the twins…..I would do serious damage to my self esteem if I tried on the Monokini, even with the great rack. Additionally, the jumpsuits are definitely not a bandwagon I plan to jump on. And the ripped pants…I missed those when perusing the catalog myself….WOW! You hit all the important points for this catalog, that’s for sure!

  31. Shelley says

    That is so funny! What the heck is with the topless swimsuit? Where would you even wear that?? Loved this post!

  32. Kara says

    Wow, I was just talking to friends last night about a jumpsuit I saw on a clearance rack (where it should be). Has anyone pointed out what a bad idea this would be for a woman with post-childbirth bladder control? That’s a lot of clothing to get out of! Probably not their target market, but stil…