An Open Letter To Victoria’s Secret

January 26, 2010 · 70 comments

(I’m guest posting for Jen at Buried with Children today…stop on by if you want to read about what not to do to keep your children occupied while you spend time on the computer.)

Dear Victoria and all your Secrets,

I love you. I do. You and I have a secret of our own, don’t we? And it’s the pretty penny I send you every time I order from your website. Your hoodies have treated me well and although you’ve discontinued the over sized boyfriend hoodie, I did manage to snag three of them and I’d like to thank you for that.

I should also thank you for all of my undergarments and swimwear. Where would I be without you? I know not.

That all being what it is…and perhaps I’m getting a bit “behind in the times” as I continue to age…but…what am I supposed to do with this?:

You say that you’re “turning up the sultry with the new Topless Bikini.”


Please turn the sultry back down Victoria…some secrets are better kept to yourself. I can’t think of one person who would look good wearing your new “monokini”, including your starving models and their long luscious locks.

I’d also like you to take your shredded stretch pants off your shelves. You’d be doing a favor to all women everywhere. You’d be saving grown mothers from looking like hookers and you’d be saving young crazy twenty-somethings from looking like…well hookers.

I’m starting to wrap my brain around the fact that jumpers like these are making a comeback:

It will take some time before they don’t remind me of 1988, when I wore my red jumper religiously….but I’m getting there. This spin on the jumpsuit is a little much for me…even on vacation in the Carribean….especially on vacation in the Carribean:

And lastly…sequins are best left to Dancing with the Stars. I don’t care who you are or what island you’re on or how old you are…the sequins must remain in the ballroom.

I hope we can maintain a healthy relationship despite the newest additions to your winter catalog. I’m here to help. Really I am. I need something to spend my money on and you’re making that desire very difficult to fulfill.

Just bring back the over sized boyfriend hoodies Victoria…please. Keep your monokinis and African jumpsuits and please just bring back the hoodies.

Yours truly.


Mama Kat Loves You When You Love Her


Adoption of Jane January 27, 2010 at 12:32 am


JenniferG of Hip As I Wanna Be January 27, 2010 at 1:39 am

I have to disagree with you, Kat. I’m shocked that you don’t like the monokini. It is the height of fashion! What middle aged mother WOULDN’T look good in that? It is perfect for muffin tops and saggy boobs.

Kerry Ellington January 27, 2010 at 1:49 am

LMAO!!!! Love, love, love your edited, I mean “your” pics. Supa hot!! ;)

I’ll be sure to check out your guest post hun. Have a good one. :)

dysfunctional mom January 27, 2010 at 2:42 am

Oh mah holy hell. That monokini…….I have no words.
The jumpsuits? No, just NO. Please, no.

Mama Kat January 27, 2010 at 7:54 am

*holding hand* The jumpsuit is back sweety. It is. Sssshhhh I know…I know….we survived the return of the skinny jean and we’ll survive this too.

Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" January 27, 2010 at 3:09 am

That jumpsuit is just ugly–I’d never wear that!

Los January 27, 2010 at 3:41 am

The one jumpsuit looks like something M.C. Hammer wore in the late 1980′s, doesn’t it?

And, I guess the only way you can wear the Monokini on most U.S. beaches is if you have long hair that sticks to your …. ummm … dirty pillows?

Mama Kat January 27, 2010 at 7:59 am

Yes. Long unmoving hair and not an ounce of extra weight….just imagining myself bubbling over in that suit makes me smile…kind of tempted to buy one just to do a “review”…or not.

Angel January 27, 2010 at 3:58 am

lmbo hence why I say Victoria isn’t leaving many secrets to expose.. I wouldn’t even come close to fitting in ANY of that. They don’t make bras in my size DDD and if they did it wouldn’t be much more then nipple tassles and I sure won’t wear those lol.

Mama Kat January 27, 2010 at 8:02 am

Nipple tassels are making a comeback…you should reconsider VS. ;)

Resh Rene` January 27, 2010 at 4:36 am

Bahahaha hopefully this will make it back to Vicky Secrets some how, I for one will personally send it LOL. I know fashion repeats itself but we are ALL doomed rocking the 80′s again! Hey maybe after your “photos” you can moonlight as one of their non-hookerish, non-monokini wearing models?

Amanda January 27, 2010 at 4:38 am

Jumpers, I cannot believe that they are making a comeback….and a topless bikini?!?!? UGH, I mean really this is the USA, I don’t think many people around here go topless without getting in trouble!

I love Vicky’s but I’ve found over the years that their bras make my 34DD boobs look bigger than they need to and then ppl ask me if I have implants. So for now for undergarments I’ll stick to Macy’s but I do still love their boyshorts and pajamas!

kiki January 27, 2010 at 4:50 am

i’m agree with you on all of VS’s fashions here {love your face on all the pics}, but i am digging the gladiator sandals in the tights and the jumpsuit pics. i will be checking them out on-line today to buy them. i think the first pic is meant for countries where frontal nudity on the beach is commonplace, like Italy. i only know this cuz i was there on the beaches and women walked around in bottoms, but no tops. seriously. thanks for sharing and take care.

June Freaking Cleaver January 27, 2010 at 5:05 am

My “secrets” are too big for Victoria’s, so I don’t shop there. Just who do they think will buy these new styles? Are they trying to lure in international online shoppers?

As far as the monokini, I think that a wrestling (the Olympic kind, not WWE) singlet would probably do nicely in a pinch, if we’re into looking ridiculous on the beach this summer.

Jenn January 27, 2010 at 5:10 am

I am whole-heartedly agreeing with you. Is it just me or does that monokini look a bit like a dominatrix get up. Hey! I think I just found their niche market on that one!

e January 27, 2010 at 5:19 am

Topless Bikini? Oh no….

That model is gorgeous though… I mean, so versatile!

Luschka January 27, 2010 at 5:55 am

Topless bikinis would make breastfeeding just so much simpler, wouldn’t it! But I bet someone would complain!

Jessica January 27, 2010 at 6:19 am

I’m thinking they should put the topless bikini in the lingerie section since I don’t even know WHERE IT’S LEGAL to wear that in the United States!!! Have they gone off the deep-end?! Do people really buy this for their weekend trip to the beach?

michelle January 27, 2010 at 6:32 am

is Vicky for rizzel!?!! a topless swimsuit…REALLY???? oh man. they must have their hands in the boob job industry. why else would they think anyone would wear this suit…even alone in their house, much less on a public beach!

and the jumper – seriously? is that so the models can hide their diaper (b/c of all the laxatives they take – work with me here).

however, i have to say that the sequin swimsuit is really cute! i would probably totally wear that. maybe not when i’m 50. but i’m 27 and i think the sequins are fun! (please don’t judge me).

3 Men & a Lady January 27, 2010 at 6:59 am

I like the sequins, too. Very cute.

Mama Kat January 27, 2010 at 8:06 am

Don’t get me wrong…the sequins ARE adorable…on a size -4 super tan super model. It’s not for us regular folk…please refrain from the purchase. ;)

Mama Kat January 27, 2010 at 8:10 am

Furthermore it is altogether possible that I just wanted to see my face on the body of the sequin bikini wear-er…just sayin.

Soxy Deb January 27, 2010 at 6:36 am

OMG I am sooo with you. A good chunk of my wardrobe and my ENTIRE undergarment wardrobe is Victoria, but I swear I have actually thrown away the last couple of catalogs I’ve gotten without even opening them. That’s how bad some of that shit is.
I’m in danger of paying off the card if I don’t find something else to buy soon.

jennee January 27, 2010 at 6:43 am

Haha! This is so funny. It takes me back to the few months I spent selling bras and folding panties…

angie January 27, 2010 at 6:49 am

You did mail this, correct? Because those additions need to go.

3 Men & a Lady January 27, 2010 at 6:57 am

Um, that’s not a topless bikini. It’s a onepiece minus booby holders. And it’s super ugly. Why not just wear bottoms ONLY instead and avoid the horrid tan line that thing would cause?

And you are right on with the sliced up leggings. They might as well have “TRAMP” screen printed on the rear. Not digging the jumpers, either. They make me think of Captain and Tenille.

Mama Kat January 27, 2010 at 8:08 am

The one piece “bikini” seriously baffled me. What are they thinking!?!

Coco January 27, 2010 at 7:05 am

You would look good as a blond.

Heatherlyn January 27, 2010 at 7:10 am

Oh my. You put it very well: some secrets are best kept to ourselves! I can’t believe they tried to sell that topless bathing suit with a way-too-skiny flat model. They would have had much better luck with someone who has boobs. Not that it would have made it any less ugly.

And the jumpers? Should have stayed in the decade that they came from. Why is it that when people make fun of certain old fashion trends for decades that some people think that it is a good idea to bring them back? Don’t they know that people are STILL making fun of them?

Fun post!

Joy January 27, 2010 at 7:21 am

Um those bottom pants remind me of MC hammer pants!

Pamela @ 2 much testosterone January 27, 2010 at 7:33 am

You KNOW there are a handful of women out there who are wearing all of the above thinking, Damn, I look hot! And I’ll be sitting there waiting for you to cross my path, and oh yes, there will be finger pointing and snickering…

missy January 27, 2010 at 7:54 am

oh my gosh…you are to funny!!!!!
but i have to agree…..alot of the 80′s looks just aren’t doin’ it for me either?!!?!?
nothing better than a good hoodie!!!!

amber January 27, 2010 at 8:00 am

Those shredded leggings are simply horrific. And what beach in the U.S. would even let you wear that “monokini?” Whatevs, Vicki, stick to those lovely bras that fit so well…and yoga pants. And hoodies.

Otter January 27, 2010 at 8:17 am

Just dropping by from Jen’s site to say hi. I know nothing of Victoria and her secrets except those secrets are not cheap.

Christine January 27, 2010 at 8:19 am

OMG…toooooooo funny! Love your mad photoshop skilz. :P

annie January 27, 2010 at 8:50 am

You know there is going to be some chubby woman in walmart wearing those leggings -

Jennifer@Musings of a BLonde Mom January 27, 2010 at 8:57 am

LOL!!! I got the catalog the other day and was flipping through it (and my husband was peering over my shoulder) when I came to the stripe jumper, my husband busts out with “Hammer time”!! It looks like a hammer pants jump suit!

Emmy January 27, 2010 at 9:06 am

Topless bathing suit!!! Oh I so do not want to see anyone in one of those.

And the colors of the jumpers, wow… yeah wow.

Jennifer January 27, 2010 at 9:15 am

Hmmm. Monokini….. maybe they are for Europeans. I don’t really know of a public beach or pool in the US where you could wear that and not be arrested.

Doc January 27, 2010 at 9:26 am

AMEN! Most of what you say is dead on… Monokini? Please how rediculous. The cut up pants look like the girl got into a fight with Freddy Kruger and don’t even get me started on the anorexic looking models.
Found your blog from my pal Mrs. D and am glad that I did… gonna link you to mine if that is ok.

Lori January 27, 2010 at 9:39 am

What are they thinking? Someone needs to be fired for these selections!

Brutally Honest January 27, 2010 at 10:37 am

LOL…I saw a chick wearing the shredded leggings complete w/ pink fishnets underneath at Ikea last weekend. She totally looked like a hooker.

jenny January 27, 2010 at 10:47 am

You had me in hysterics. That was so awesome. What on earth would you do with that black one piece bathing suit??? Wow. And I could not agree with you more about the shredded leggings. Hooker all the way!!! LOL

Lolli January 27, 2010 at 11:08 am

That topless bikini?? Eww! But YOU look great in it. ;) Hysterical, once again. Bwahaha!

Rhonda January 27, 2010 at 11:27 am

Oh. My. God.

That jumpsuit is atrocious!!! As are the rest, but THAT JUMPSUIT??? Ewwww!

Pooba January 27, 2010 at 11:56 am

Bahahaha! that jump suit is to DIE for!

(I left you a little suttin suttin on my lil ol blog)

Shana January 27, 2010 at 12:29 pm

I can just see mom’s everywhere wearing the shredded sweats. Sitting in their living rooms, toddler toddling up to climb up Mt. Mommy & single toed-ly pantsing dear ol’ mom. All it would take is one bare foot in one of those slits & no one would have any secret’s, ha!

Lauren January 27, 2010 at 12:51 pm

I totally agree with everything you said…with the exception of the green sequined bikini. I like that one. Not that I would ever wear it because well, that teeny tiny bottom would get lost in my fat rolls. But still, it’s cute!

Justine January 27, 2010 at 1:15 pm

OMG, I adore how you insert your faces in there. You’re beautiful! Okay, the slit-up pants are just disgusting. Looks like something worn by that guy from Twisted Sister in the 80s. The jumper? I could almost see it working if they hadn’t made the pants part look like something a clown would wear.

Justine :o )
Just sneezed and wet my pants. Thought you’d wanna know.

stephanie January 27, 2010 at 1:19 pm

hilarious. and wow mamakat. you have a KILLER body. you must not have eaten, since… i don’t know, your baby boy was born. so thats the secret, huh?

Jennifer January 27, 2010 at 1:36 pm

Oh God….the thought of my – an overweight mother of 2 – wearing that monokini had me laughing hysterically……and then running to finish my bag of caramel Dove chocolate squares!

Thanks for yet another great post!

~ Jennifer

Rebecca is Thrilled by the Thought January 27, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Topless bikini? What in the world?

Amy January 27, 2010 at 2:03 pm

What are they thinking? Great post. I hope they listen to your advice.

Jen @ buried with children January 27, 2010 at 2:38 pm

All I have to say, is that the monokini or whatever its called has got to be perfect for the breast feeding mother. But on the other hand, I am pretty sure that no mother would wear that but it would be pretty convenient, yes!?

And thank you. Thank you for the laugh. I really needed it today and also for the guest post. You totally ROCK!

Just Add Walter January 27, 2010 at 4:03 pm

is that first one for real!??! what in the world?!

Lourie January 27, 2010 at 5:02 pm

o.0 AAack! Brain bleach. Mental Floss. Anything!

Jenny January 27, 2010 at 5:16 pm

Who would wear that bikini….LMAO :)

Ghada January 27, 2010 at 5:26 pm

eeks! Those are truly unflattering pieces of clothing. Mind you the jumpsuits look uber comfy for a day at home.

Tesa January 27, 2010 at 5:47 pm

That’s hilarious. Seriously, who wears that stuff? I’m wondering if the market for the topless bikini are the tourists that go to topless beaches. No need to undo any straps and slip out of your top with that one.

So odd, it makes me laugh.

debi9kids January 27, 2010 at 9:28 pm

OMGOSH! Those jumpsuits remind me of Crissy from Three’s Company. HOLY!

Erin January 27, 2010 at 11:12 pm

Seriously? someone actually wears that monokini? Seriously?

I agree some things are better left as a secret!

Nicole January 28, 2010 at 12:28 am

Ok….obviously they are not pitching clothes to Moms. While right now, I have a great rack due to BF’ing the twins…..I would do serious damage to my self esteem if I tried on the Monokini, even with the great rack. Additionally, the jumpsuits are definitely not a bandwagon I plan to jump on. And the ripped pants…I missed those when perusing the catalog myself….WOW! You hit all the important points for this catalog, that’s for sure!

Stephanie @ Geezees January 28, 2010 at 5:28 am

I agree…love the over-sized hoodie’s…but who would wear that Monokini…really, who?

Shelley January 28, 2010 at 10:03 am

That is so funny! What the heck is with the topless swimsuit? Where would you even wear that?? Loved this post!

Kara January 28, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Wow, I was just talking to friends last night about a jumpsuit I saw on a clearance rack (where it should be). Has anyone pointed out what a bad idea this would be for a woman with post-childbirth bladder control? That’s a lot of clothing to get out of! Probably not their target market, but stil…

S Club Mama January 28, 2010 at 7:38 pm

Glad I’m not the only one who opens her catalog and goes “wtf?”

Jenners January 29, 2010 at 10:32 am

I’ve never been on of Vicki’s gals. And all I can think about is the horribly weird tan lines these would produce.

Tonya January 30, 2010 at 12:29 pm

Hilarious! I like your blog and will be following you. Found you from My funny dad Harry. :-)

Funkidivagirl February 1, 2010 at 6:52 pm

That topless bikini is not even sexy on that model. She looks like she is one step away from death.

Adrienne February 20, 2012 at 7:36 am

SO funny!

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