Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was arguably one of the best since the season started. Emotional breakdowns, threats of physical assault, heart wrenching decisions to make, and a peak into Tenley’s soul via interpretive dance. Ahhhh….all the makings of success.
Gia.
Gia’s brother offered to break both of Jake’s legs if he doesn’t choose Gia in the end. And then they all started laughing wildly because we all know that the only thing Gia’s brother will be capable of breaking when Jake doesn’t give her a rose during the next ceremony is the television set. And that’s a stretch.
Tenley.
I could really relate to Tenley when she said she wanted to “express” herself to Jake through dance. Her ex-husband was never interested in her dancing the way she longed for him to be. Her ex-husband never got that glimpse into her soul that she longed for him to have. Her ex-husband got a glimpse into another woman’s soul and then divorced Tenley, leaving her depressed for a year.
And by “another woman’s soul” I do mean “vagina”. Tenley’s ex-husband taught Tenley many things about marriage and what to expect. Tenley’s ex-husband doesn’t love her anymore. We don’t hear enough about Tenley’s ex- husband.
I can hardly blame Tenley for her issues with him though. Pat won’t take my interpretive dancing seriously either. Just like Tenley’s ex-husband, Pat has never seen me dance “the dance that’s in my heart”. He will never know the real me.
When she brought Jake to the dance studio where she “grew up” my friend Jill was all “you grew up in a dance studio?” and the three of us were downright giddy about watching Tenley embarrass herself by dancing the dance that’s in her heart on national tv…in front of The Bachelor. She wasn’t embarrassed though. She was all “I gave him the inside to my soul and he really took it and wanted to hang onto it.”
I’m sorry. Maybe I’m old and bitter and married and crazy…but the inside of my soul cannot be seen…or taken…or hung onto…like ever. It’s invisible. The end.
Vienna.
Where did they get Vienna? I demand to know. Absolutely unbelievable that she has managed to stick around so long. Looks aside, she also lacks in the personality department. And she’s not rich. I see NO plausible reason for keeping her around. I’m utterly confused by what Jake sees in her.
Why is ABC refusing to air the deep and profound discussions that Vienna and Jake have had? Why aren’t they showing the clips of Vienna saying smart stuff and acting friendly and all that? Why do we only get the “I’m my Daddy’s prinsssesss…ssstraight from a ssssuper fun ssssorority and I love to like shop and sssstuff” version of Vienna.
There must be more layers right??
She reminds me of Nicky from Jason Mesnick’s season of The Bachelor…remember the girl who, when asked to tell him more about herself, responded by saying “I like bears. All bears.” Remember her? Only she was cut midway through the show when there were like 7 girls left because DUH…we like substance with out bachelorette choices…not just bears. And by “we” I mean “everyone except Jake” apparently. Because Vienna is still here.
I just don’t understand. And when I try too hard my eyes start to cross and I pass out so I’m gonna stop trying.
Ali.
The rest of the fun came courtesy of Ali and her angst. Jake’s one on one date with Ali was wonderful. She was nice again and there was a spark about Jake that you didn’t see when he was with Gia earlier. Everything was perfect until just before the rose ceremony when Ali came crawling into Jake’s room to cry about her ultimatum. Continue the show on her quest for true love? Or lose her job?
You could tell she wanted to hear Jake say “you have to stay! I’m giving you a rose and I think I’m falling in love with you.” When he didn’t say that she furrowed her widdle puppy dog eyebwows and cried some more. Conflicted. Stay or go? Go or stay? Follow her heart or her wallet? Jake gave in. Told her he’d be devastated if she left. That he was falling for her. That he wanted her to stay. It was just what she needed to hear.
So then she left.
I know it made no sense. And then she cried in the limo wondering if she made a mistake. I don’t know…if I really loved a guy and thought I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him in another state…I might stick around to see if we could work something out.
Screw your job, you’re like 19 years old, you’ll have a million jobs. Or maybe you’ll choose to have kids and run a home daycare and live only for Monday nights when you get to watch reality tv with your friends every week and make fun of people who get to do WAY cooler stuff than you…like travel to St. Lucia for sex on the beach with a promiscuous man while being filmed and viewed by the entire country.
I’m sorry.
Where was I?
Ah yes. Ali. She went home.
The end.
{ 65 comments… read them below or add one }
Ok – I never watched the show regularly. I caught the last 2 weeks and this stuff is great! Ali’s desperate ploy to know if he is going to pick her or not? Priceless, but I can’t believe the other chicks didn’t bust in and beat her senseless after stealing time right before the rose ceremony.
I can’t turn away. Next Monday can’t come fast enough…
Oh and Vienna. No words. She’s is just awful.
Ok now I am completely confused because from the sound of things he should just start over, none of them sound right for him or him for them.
“I don’t know lots of stuff.”–that is SO Vienna. I love you.
“This was my ex-husband’s favorite dress.”
I cracked up–I really, really did.
Please move to Vermont with me so that we can be married. Alecia can be our bridesmaid. And occasional menage a trois partner.
p.s. I forgive Tenley for the interpretive dancing. Firstly, because I really like her. Secondly, because she was dancing her heart and soul. I really thought she should’ve been wearing liturgical robes or something…’cause that dance was straight up meant for Jesus, whether she realized it or not. Jake was just there to watch with Him.
BWAH.. this was your best post yet.
You are so funny! Thanks for the recap of what I believe (like you) was a really emotional (and funny) episode. My favorite part was when Tenley’s Mom asked Jake if Tenley had seen what he was passionate about and Jake said “what aviation??” That part cracked me up and I really don’t know why.
Great post.
Lori
New reader and poster to your blog.
I haven’t really liked any of the girls this season. They all seem wrong for him. I didn’t watch this week but saw in the previews there wasn’t a rose ceremony this week…I assume that’s b/c Ali said she was leaving at the rose ceremony?
Watching this last night all I could think of is
“I wonder what Mama Kat will have to say about this?”
My favorite moment was the grin the 3 remaining ladies had when Ali left.
Did ya see the spoiler for next week? Ali calls him when the cameras are convieniently rolling.
My hubs says there should be a ‘program’ for my reality TV addiction.
Spot on as usual. I want to post about the Bachelor, but after reading your posts every week, there is nothing left to say. You need to have your own show, I swear. Did you read the spoilers? I think I already asked you that but I don’t remember.
OMG, you forgot the best part – during the credits when Gia’s mom asked Jake if she could do a Tarot card reading on him. Did you see that? GREAT stuff, I’m still laughing.
Love your cartoons here–cracked me up, especially Tenley’s dance! I like Tenley but she really did talk way too much about her ex and Jake looked uncomfortable watching her dance although she was thrilled he watched, but really, what choice did he have?
So, if they did have the rose ceremony last night and Ali hadn’t left (which made the rest of the girls almost giddy), who do you think he would have let go? I think Tenley.
he he he he
Love it! Again, so funny. I was SO uncomfortable about the dancing (for Jake? for Tenley? for me? I don’t know for who, it was just uncomfortable) that I had to fast forward it. By the end of the Ali thing I said, “Just go already, gawd!”
However, did you see in the previews for next week that Ali calls him?? Hmm, very interesting.
oh my goodness! i love you. this was hilarious. i feel like i was there.
and by “there” i don’t mean watching the bachelor, which i didn’t but it doesn’t matter because you give awesome re-caps.
but by “there” i mean hanging out with you and your friends watching the show, laughing at everything together… you know, like real life bff’s.
You are my hero!! Having drank my weight in wine over the weekend, I watched sober again. But you have it spot on. I did expect Vienna’s dad to be more Donald Trump-like, their relationship kinda gave me the heebs!
ahahahhahhah! that was stinkin hilarious! tenley made my cringe last night! i couldn’t watch…just couldn’t!
and Vienna? give me a big fat break! ABC was seriously reaching for this one!
thanks for the wrap-up. i am so grateful to you for doing these bachelor-thingys. lots of FB friends watch the show and comment about it and i feel left out. i can write stuff now and they think i’m watching it and they like me. i like that. yeah, that vienna girl needs to go, but there are contracts and stuff, so i’m sure ABC knows without her there will be less drama and less ratings. i bet jake will have her in the bottom two and then say adios to her. she is trainwreck gold. take care.
LOL @ “Garsh”!!! I keep imagining him saying that with a cartoon voice. Vienna’s family sounds rather questionable to me. Weirdos.
I was a little dissapointed in the Ali business. They made it sound like some huge shocking event was coming. Well, Ed did the leaving for my work thing last season so this was not new. Also why does everyone have a workplace that suddenly cannot live one more week without them? I don’t understand that at all unless they lied about where they were going…..
Vienna just confuses me. Her family is much….different than I had pictured based on her love of wrecking cars and having an ugly little purse dog. I didn’t really picture her growing up in a swamp. Interesting.
When Ali was about to reveal her issue to Jake my mom shouted “I know! She has twins she hasn’t told him about” We then decided it must be siamese twins. I like our ending better than having to leave for work anyway :P
Aaah, I loved your post. It was paraphrased beautifully. I re -lived the whole experience. Hmmm it took 3 minutes to re- live and 2 sappy hours to watch. I liked it better this way!
I MADE my husband watch last night because there was nothing else on. He thanked me afterward for giving him something to laugh at…we really bonded over making fun of everyone! His real reason for wanting to watch the show was to understand what Howard Stern talks about the next morning, but that’s ok…whatever it took, right? Thanks for the hilarious recap. Funny sheeit.
I…don’t like any of them. I still had a love for Ali, and I don’t think she really left because of her job…I think something else was going on. But there has always been something funny about Gia, and after seeing her family…I almost kind of get it. Tenley, with the dance…well, just no. Vienna makes me want to slap her every time she talks.
And the bears girl? I definitely mentioned that last week haha! That was a fantastic episode. And, also, I like elephants.
Oh shit, really? You could NOT be any damn funnier. I got sucked into this show a couple of weeks ago and happened upon your recaps at the same time. Now I am totally and completely hooked on both. You have an amazing gift for cynical, awful humor. I am madly in love with you. This should be broadcast somewhere. I am dead serious. Effing brilliant.
“Can you see my soul now?” GENIUS
Hilarious. I bet your blog about the show was way more entertaining than the actual show.
OMG! You crack me up!!
Ali was my favorite and now she’s gone and I still can’t just take Jake for my very own sex slave, so dammit, I am pissed! All of the other girls SUCK! :)
You are hilarious!! Great post:)
Seriously Ali looked like she got beat up. By Jake. And Chris. And Vienna. That would be quality TV. Gosh I miss Jerry Springer. Does that show still come on?!
If they let Ali back on, I’ll scream. Once you’re gone, you’re gone…otherwise they’ll all leave and come back. Vienna?? Jake?? Seriously??! My vote’s still for Tenley.
This was a beatiful recap! Ugh! I’m not terrible excited about the remaining prospects either. I had high hopes for this All-American good guy, Jake. Wait and see..
Kathy, I hate everything the Bachelor stands for…except for your (and Jill’s) posts about it. Too hilarious!
I hate the Bachelor…but I love your playback! Thanks
This was possibly my favorite recap of yours EVER. I literally laughed until I cried and my mom asked what was wrong with me. I love the little thought bubbles. Too funny.
Besides the dancing, my fav. part of the night was when Ali plopped on the hallway floor and cried.
i always thought ali was a whiner, and her decision to leave is the thing i liked most about her, actually. i wouldn’t quit a job for a man who was “falling in love” with me and three other girls! if they’re meant to be, they can look each other up after jake’s engagment goes to crap;)
oh tenley. she embarasses me, but her earnest cheese might just make her jake’s ideal match…
Hilarious as ever Kat! I especially loved “this was my ex-husband’s favorite dress.” Throughout all of this I’ve begun to realize that the bachelor a few seasons back, who decided not to choose either girl, was probably the smartest bachelor yet.
I can’t breathe. And, when I say that I can’t breathe, it’s not because I have asthma. I’m laughing so freakin’ hard. BF just turned to me and said, “You ok, Dear?!” Yes. I look like the idiot in the student center who’s snorting and laughing uncontrollably.
I’m glad I’m not he only one who was uncomfortable watching Tenley’s dance! Super lame!
Someone needs to tell Tenley that she looks like she had no arms during the entire rose ceremony. Stop putting your hands behind your back, Woman!
What worked for Ed will not work for Ali. I hope.
Holy crap, you nailed it perfectly and I am LMAO! Best Bachelor post EVER.
Oh goodness. Now the host is doing interviews saying we havent seen the last of them yet and they handle what’s coming up really maturely. Maturity! That’s what we’ve been missing here!
I waited all week for this! I love your recaps!
LOL….that was a great post! Thanks!
Oh my Garsh…your thought bubbles had me laughing out loud – now that’s a true peak into 4 women’s and 1 man’s souls :)
This week I am going to be a bit more subdued in my commnets as I royally freaked last week and forget where I was for a moment, but what I will say is I tortured my husband and made him watch it this week and he covered his face almost the entire show and kept repeating “who does this stuff?”
Sadie at heyMamas
This week I am going to be a bit more subdued in my comments as I royally freaked last week and forget where I was for a moment, but what I will say is I tortured my husband and made him watch it this week and he covered his face almost the entire show and kept repeating “who does this stuff?”
Sadie at heyMamas
I love your summaries of a show that we for some reason can’t not watch. I try to stay away from it on Monday nights….and keep going back for more…thanks for a good morning laugh once again. Love your blog!
Kat – I LOVE this post. Seriously…hilarious. I am bummed because I knew what was going to happen this episode. I feel like I can’t really experience it like I normally do. **Spoilers out there….YOU SUCK! I love to be clueless and would have loved to be shocked to see Ali gone. But instead all episode I wondered, is this it? Is this it? booooo.
Because of your updates, I don’t have to watch the show. And, in all likelihood, he won’t pick any of them.
They are picked for entertainment value, not for the intended purpose of falling in love and getting married.
How many years has this show been on? How many marriages have resulted?
They’d have better luck on a dating web site – hell, even I snagged a husband from one…and I can’t dance to show my soul!
You really need to tweet Chris Harrison your blog link…your Bachelor in review is wayyy better than his! :)
Oh, my GOD! You said everything I thought!!!!! Isn’t this show funny and addictive????
Lindsey Petersen
http://5kidswdisabilities.wordpress.com
OMG, as if your commentary wasn’t funny enough, your pictures nearly had me wetting myself!!!!
OMG, did you see Vienna’s house? What kind of princess is she? A swamp princess is all! Btw… I’ve lived right near Sanford, FL and my brother is in the next town over. Sanford doesn’t DO rich people.
I cannot believe Ali left. I actually felt devastated. But you saw the trailer that she calls Jake when he’s in St. Lucia, right? I wonder what’s going to happen? I mean, once you leave the show that’s it, right? And I can’t see him getting to the end and not giving out that final rose, then tracking her down and marrying her. Hmph.
Justine :o )
If Jake ends up picking a twit like Vienna I may never watch the bachelor again. What is he thinking keeping her around????
Heeheehee… check out my new FB profile pic.
Justine :o )
This show is such a freaking train wreck but I LOVE it! Loved your bread down, particularly the captions on the photos. Ali is so pulling an Ed and coming back to win the whole darn thing. Unless Tenley’s dancing becomes too mesmerizing.
I love your blog, I swear! You’re so funny with the pictures and such. I have only watched the last 2 episodes but I really enjoy it. Vienna has GOT to go! She is just on there for the drama I think. Ali should definitely have stayed and she knows it…I like the rest of the girls. Tenley doesn’t seem over her ex-husband yet though and I don’t think she is ready to get married again. She brings him up so much that it’s obvious to me. But he doesn’t seem to care!
P.S- Does Ali look like Jessica Simpson to anybody else??
I love your view point on this show! LOL
I’m hoping that Vienna is just being kept around because Jake really has NO feelings for her and it’ll just be easier to kick her to the curb in the end???? PLEASE dear God! She is just so….annoying!
That is so dang funny! I LOVE it!
Your Bachelor posts almost make me wish we had TV. I’ll just live vicariously through you. I have a feeling it’s more entertaining!
Love it! I have never watched the Bachelor but I think I like your version much better!
In the absence of Mr. Linky, I shall comment my Bachelor link…
You can’t hold me down, Kat, my voice will be heard!
http://idontwantanoscar.blogspot.com/2010/02/theres-no-place-like-home-except-of.html
HYSTERICAL!! I’m ashamed to say that I absolutely live for Monday nights these days. It is so obvious that the whole show is scripted, but I just can’t help myself!! I love it.
I can’t wait to get the new issue of US Weekly that comes out today because it is all about Vienna’s dirty secrets and something about a failed boob job and one of the finalists who dated a Backstreet Boy. I can’t wait!
I don’t watch the bachelor…but I absolutely LOVE your recaps!! I overhear the girls in the office talking about it so I feel like I totally know what they are talking about!!
Please tell me you watch American Idol?? and you will do great, funny re-caps for us!??
I know I’m super duper late but this is FRIGGIN HILARIOUS!!! can’t believe I allowed my mommy duties to keep me from such humor until now. hehe. ;)
I also do a Bachelor recap. But, yours is WAY funnier! I’m jealous!
OMFG…that was your best On the Wings of Love: The Bachelor post EVAH. Way to go, girl. That was a knee slapper. I wish I could pour y’all a drink at watch it with you. I’m still with Camp Ali. Have you changed your vote from Tenley now that you’ve seen her soul as well as her dance skills? Inquiring minds want to know.
Way way way too FUNNY!!!
Bahahashahaha!!! I’ve been watching the Bachelor ever since I read realitysteve.com and knew what was going to happen. I’m not sure why losing all of the suspense dragged me into the hell hole that is this show but it did. This was the best recap I’ve seen though. Holy buckets… so funny. I’m still breathing funny.