At dinner on Saturday night I was privy to a lovely conversation about stranger danger and the women I was speaking with were adamant about teaching their kids the basics about strangers without scaring them, as soon as they start school.
Confession: Maile is in Kindergarten and we have spoken minimally about strangers.
I don’t want to scare her.
And she’s so innocent! I don’t want her thinking about bad people. I remember losing sleep thinking about those things and I never want her to imagine anything bad happening to her EVER.
Tiffany was saying that she would nonchalantly give her son hypothetical situations that would get him *thinking* about how he should or should not react when approached by someone he doesn’t know. Her husband worked for LAPD and she said one of the number one things a stranger will say to your child to force them to cooperate is that they will hurt the child’s parents. Tiffany’s son knows that this is a lie and that he must NEVER believe anyone who says this to him. He knows that the person saying this is only trying to keep him quiet. She said she never uses any scare tactics, but she wants to create scenarios that will prepare his mind so that IF it ever happens, he’ll remember the plan of action.
Seven hours.
Maile is out of my home. My control. My power. For seven hours everyday.
I decided Sunday was as good a day as any to start our Stranger Danger lessons and approached the girls on the matter during lunch time.
me: Maile. What would you do if someone you didn’t know came to get you at school and told you I sent them?
Maile: (meekly). Ummmmm….not go??
me: RIGHT! Don’t ever ever ever go! I will NEVER send someone to school to pick you up that you have never met before okay?
Maile: Okaaay.
me: And if a stranger ever takes you away I need you to scream STRANGER!!!! as loud as you can. Everyone needs to hear you need help.
Maile: (nervous smile.) Okaaaay.
Laina: And Mom I will kick him in da back and in da face and beat him up!
me: Sure Laina. I’m sure you will. That’s right, you fight and bite and beat him up….Laina, what would you do if someone stopped you at the park and told you they have cute little puppies in their car and asked you if you want to go see them?
Laina: Go look at da puppies.
me: NO! Don’t EVER go to someone’s car. If they have puppies they can bring them to you okay? Don’t ever ever ever follow someone you don’t know to their car okay!?!
Laina: Kay, but mom?
me: What Laina?
Laina: God will take care of me.
me: Ummm….yes Laina that’s true….but we should always be safe and take care of ourselves so that we don’t have to ask God to help us.
Laina: God will not let da stranger get me mom.
me: Ummm…yes in theory this sounds lovely Laina, but sometimes bad things can still happen to us.
Laina: Mom God is everywhere.
me: Who in the hell have you been talking to???
Okay I didn’t say that, but I was thinking it!
me: Yes. God is everywhere, but Laina just don’t go to a stranger’s car okay?
Looks like I have my work cut out for me.
Time to turn these sissies into confident, loud, stranger danger attack dogs.
That’s right I said it….Ain’t NO ONE gonna mess with my girls when I’m done here.
Jenny @ Practically Perfect... says
Their responses are so cute :-) My husband said that his mom gave them a “code word”, and that if anyone came to pick them up from school, that the person should know the code. He still remembers it to this day, because he got to pick it out – Tyrannosaurus Rex!
Mama Kat says
I love that idea! I wonder if Maile would “get it” or if she would just go spouting off the code word to everyone…
Erin says
Laina is so adorable! I love that God is everywhere. I have yet to discuss this with the boys yet!!
cinderella says
my brother was once asked to go to a stranger’s car. he wanted to give him some candy. i don’t know exactly what went down, but my brother told him no thank you and left. he was maybe five or six when it happened, but he didn’t tell us about it until much later. it’s a good thing you’re talking to your girls about it.
and it’s good that they know God is everywhere. and He will take care of them, obviously, which is a good thing they know that. they sound like smart little girls :)
Mama Kat says
How scary that your brother was actually approached!! And thank God he turned away!
I know, I love that Laina has her own solutions. Too cute.
Karen, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry" says
Parents sure do have a lot to think about. This is a very important lesson for kids to learn. I wish you success in teaching your girls to scream and attack and be wise in dealing with strangers.
Givinya de Elba says
I loved the girls’ responses and I loved Jenny’s idea (#1) of the code word. Nat sort-of understands not to go with strangers, but if I ask what if the stranger has lollies: what would he do then? he says “Go with them?” Yah. My work is cut out for me too.
dysfunctional mom says
I had to laugh at her response to the puppy question!
I have three kids who will barely give a stranger the time of day even when I tell them it’s ok, and one who would go with anyone, I don’t think they’d even need to bribe or threaten him.
Mama Kat says
That’s so true! Now that you mention Maile and Laina both shy away from strangers and extended family alike. Super shy!!
Lindsay @ Kids Are Teachers says
I’m not gonna lie…I got choked up halfway through at just the thought of someone taking my little angels away from me. I hope I have been teaching them well enough to know what to do.
Mama Kat says
RIGHT!?!! That was me at dinner as Tiffany was explaining how IMPORTANT it is to educate them. I just kept thinking about someone putting their hands on my sweet babies…..I really think I could kill someone if that ever happened. God help the person who harms one of my children.
Seriously... A Homemaker says
Oh, your girls make me laugh!! And the picture is adorable!
You were adorable at boot camp! Thanks for being an inspiration! And for being tall and sexy :-)
Angie
Stephanie @ Geezees says
I think it’s really great that your having talks with them like that…it’s so important. I love the way they answered the questions, and that Laina would kick them in the back of their head and beat them up…so funny :)
Great picture too!
3 Men & a Lady says
Stranger danger freaks me out… every day there are scary kidnapping/murder/predator stories on the news. I have given my son hypothetical situations such as “a man and woman pull up in a car and say that mommy and daddy wanted them to pick him up and take him home, what do you do?” I’ve explained that they don’t usually “look like” bad guys, just normal people, and that they will lie to trick kids to come with them. It’s sad that I have to teach him to be suspicious and that people lie, but so be it.
I hope we never have to use those skills.
Shanna says
Here is a tip we use at our house; a secret word. All the kids know our secret word so that if someone says I or my husband has sent them to pick up the kids they HAVE to know the secret word or they know it’s a lie. Yes, in theory this COULD backfire if I’m unconscious and can’t give a secret word BUT the girls know how to call grandma (who also knows our secret word) and get her okay to go with whomever.
We’ve been talking to our kids about stranger danger since they were old enough to say “stranger”.
Heather says
it’s such a shame to have to talk to them about stuff like this isn’t it? and yet sadly necessary. I love the scenario idea.
Stephanie says
Life is a scary place at times. There is so much to consider as parents but I think you and your kids have a good handle on it!
Jen says
I tried to talk to Hayden about strangers and he told me that since he likes people, he will just go and talk to them especially if they give him candy.
I am totally going to lose my son.
Great.
Kristi says
The Safe Side is a great video for teaching all of the things you guys are commenting about. It’s fun, not scary and the kids love it! We used it with pre-k kids when I taught in the public schools. It’s kind of long, so you could do it in parts. I don’t know how much it costs, but it would be totally worth it. It does a great job of teaching what a stranger is…all kinds of things and the kids will remember because it’s done in a really fun way. Here’s the link:
http://www.thesafeside.com/?gclid=CNH618errqACFSFy5QodOyZfag
Kristi
Kristi says
Okay, I just went back to the Safe Side website and they now also have an internet safety video. These are put together by John Walsh and Julie Clark (creator of Baby Einstein videos). The stranger danger dvd by itself is only $13.00…so worth it, I’m telling you!! No, I don’t work for them, but my classes liked to watch it over and over…they are that good!
LoveFeast Table says
I know some gals in on that conversation couldn’t believe they had to share some of these scenarios with their kids, but I’d rather go there, then not. I think of it, not as approaching them with “fear scenarios” but with empowering them with choices. Tiffany makes it part of every day conversation. I think that’s the way to go. It takes the scary out of it! It does, totally suck that we have to go there with our kids. I hate that we have to rob them of their innocence because there are creeps out there. But, at least our kids know deep down who’s really in charge! Who is bigger than the boogy man….of course, it’s good as mamas we know that truth too!
~kristin
parenting BY dummies says
We’ve talked strangers. The Dudes get so technical about it, like making me classify every type of person (neighbor lady with the smelly car, guy who works the pool desk, creepy dude who just pruned out trees, everyone on the planet pretty much) into stranger or non-stranger. It helps that they are not very friendly, a trait they OBVIOUSLY get from their father. When the neighbor stopped and asked them if they’ve seen their lost dog roaming the hood they got the creepy-inbred-Children-of-the-Corn stare back from my boys. Apparently we need to have another talk:). Oh, and you should come by pBd today and peep our cute picture. Or, your cute picture. I look like a grizzly bear about to climb the tree of Kat:). XOXO!
Rebekah says
Mine is too young for that conversation but I script it out in my head all the time. And I wonder if I’m setting a bad example by striking up conversations with strangers occasionally – you know how it is, small talk about weather or whatever while waiting in line. Am I showing my son how to be polite or that he should trust all adults no matter what even if that’s not safe? Ugh. Parenting is so confusing!
3 Men & a Lady says
Just tell your son that it’s only okay for ADULTS to talk to strangers, so that he differentiates. That’s what I told my son.
Brandi says
Okay, I am totally grinning from the comment “you didn’t” say to the girls. I’ll admit, I haven’t really sat the kids down and talked to them either about strangers. Although they do know not to go, I should have that conversation. It can’t be as painful as the “please don’t have sex til your married or I’ll have to kill you” speech I am dreading!
S Club Mama says
go look at da puppies…of course, Mom! I would too. Ok just kidding. She is so darn cute. SO CUTE!
Good job talking to her about it. I don’t remember my parents ever talking to me about strangers. I learned about them in school.
Cybil says
I started talking to my kids about this as soon as they could talk and communicate. We have done the “what if” scenarios, everything. I preached their addresses and phone numbers to them and made them recite back… I was so scared about this, and honestly I didn’t care if I was scaring them, because I wanted them to be scared and alert about this subject.
So one time we were shopping in Target, looking at greeting cards, and there was another man in the aisle looking at greeting cards too. my little girl who was probably 3 at the time looked at me and said, “Is that a bad guy?” To which I said, “Maybe – we just don’t know.” This poor guy kind of looked over at me with that “You are a psycho-mom look.” ha ha! I didn’t care. I just don’t think they are ever too young to start teaching them these things.
Jennifer says
Cybil – I do this exact same thing. And I’ve even gone so far as to tell people that try to talk to my kids, “we don’t allow them to talk to strangers.” Even if it is a nice old lady.
Jennifer says
Confession time: I’ve been talking to Baby Girl about strangers since she was 18 months old. I’m terrified of something bad happening to her. I’ve even practiced like I was a stranger to see if I could get her to come up to my car and when she did I jerked her in really, really fast. It scared the hell out of her, but it also showed her how quickly someone can pull her in their car and be off with her.
Joy says
Abby has it all figured out she thinks. She says she will just punch the bad guy in the nose and kick him here (as she points to her crotch) yep that is thanks to my hubby. My problem is she is such a social butterfly she just wants to talk to everyone.
Emmy says
That is always such a hard one… obviously we need to protect our kids but we also don’t want them to be afraid of every unknown person on the street. Sounds like your friend does it really well.
Linds says
This is why I sometimes wonder why I ever wished my son out of the eat, sleep, poop phase. So much easier to wake up in the middle of the night and pop a boob/bottle in their mouth than to sit down and have serious discussions.
Stacey says
I love the code word idea! So good! This was great and hilarious :) It’s nice that Laina has such a trust in God, but we should definitely be aware and safe–for sure. I’ve actually thought about having this conversation with my three year-old (she talks to everyone, it’s a problem) but have just put it off…until today! lol. It was great. She asked me if strangers had guns (what?!)…fun times :)
stephanie says
this is great. what precious kids.
now, anytime i tell my kids they may not hit, bite, spit, or say whatever naughty word they have just learned, they always respond with, “but we can do if it someone tries to take us right?” and they get all excited at the opportunity to do everything they aren’t allowed to do at at home on some kidnapper.
its almost like they want it to happen so they can turn into psycho little kids and let out all their frustrations.
but it all seriousness, its such a horrible thought.
Kmama says
I realized about a month ago that I had never really talked to my son (kindergarten) about strangers. When I started the convo, he filled in all the right answers…apparently they work on this at school. So while I kinda felt like a failure that it took me until he was 5.5 years old to talk about it, I felt relieved that the school knew about parents like me and worked on it with them.
Oh, and about the time that I realized we hadn’t talked about strangers, I also realized that we hadn’t told him what to do if he got lost in the mall or anywhere else. His first response was to cry and go to any adult. Eek.
cheri says
this afternoon, jackjack and i went to the corner store to buy soda. mind you, a corner store in the philippines does not look like a grocery store. it’s an extension of the house, normally at the front or near the garage, wherein the items are displayed and you talk to the person thru a window.
when i turned around, he was gone. after getting my change and the soda bottle, i ran like a crazy woman, calling out his name. i was so scared that a bad man had kidnapped him or something. apparently, he ran off to play with the neighborhood kids. without telling me.
looks like i have to start making this conversation with VERY SOON.
Katie (aka Kekibird) says
My son has become uber social lately on the playground, inviting adults and kids to play with him on the slides. So I’ve been doing the hypothetical scenarios too. Just asking him what he would do and giving him the tools to think through them without fear….at least I hope I am!
e says
This is too cute… but really… there goes God, messing up your entire “lesson plan.”
Sheesh!
I need to remember this when B gets old enough to have the talk… the stranger talk, not the other “talk.”
Untypically Jia says
Too cute. Read them the story of Job. LOL!
Lizgizzy says
I am not looking forward to having this discussion with James. He’s already fascinated with all things scary, but is so trusting that everyone is loving and caring and his friend. He talks to everyone and we want to encourage him to be confident and scared of strangers at the same time. How do we balance that? Really, I want to know?
Foursons says
Scouts is great for this but I have never brought up the scenerio about being told that he would hurt the parents. That is very important!
BigMamaCass says
I remember being petrified all the time and having horrible nightmares when I was a kid because my parents scared the crap outta me! I haven’t even thought about how I would talk to Monkey about strangers yet. So I am taking notes. Let us know how it goes.
Susie says
Just keep in the back of your mind for when they get older to teach your kids that they need to listen to their guts and that it’s OK TO HURT SOMEONE’S FEELINGS if something feels off.
I did all the stranger danger stuff and somehow managed to get my girls through earlier childhood. Then my teen got into a small spot of trouble because she didn’t want to hurt the someone’s feelings.
Angela says
Similar conversation :
Me: So, Emma you know we NEVER approach a strangers car.
Emma: Right.
Me: They can be sneaky and tell you that they have a Barbie that you can have in the back seat. But they would just be trying to trick you and you need to know that and run away and yell STRANGER.
Emma: ok
Me: So, if someone tells you that they have a Barbie for you in their car and you can have it if you come get it, what do you do?
Emma: Well, I am going to go check the car first to make sure they don’t have the Barbie. I want the Barbie.
Me: (throwing hands in the air) Well, I hope they return you.
adrianscrazylife says
Reminds me of my son when he was little. We were out walking when a nice old man came up with his dog and gave Blake a piece of candy. After we left I said “Blake, did you just take candy from a stranger?” and he said with the most innocent face “No Mama, I just SHARED candy with a stranger”. I don’t think my kids will ever get the concept of a stranger.
MrsM says
I know we have failed in this department so far. I really don’t want to scare our son, and I keep letting myself think that it’s unnecessary because we home school, but deep down I know I have to say something soon-our son is so friendly he will walk right up to strangers and HUG them if we don’t stop him…that definitely does not bode well for the ‘stranger danger’ talk.
MrsM says
Oh, and when I was a kid we had a password too. We also had whistles and were told to scream “FIRE”, because more people will look when you shout that instead of “help”. It worked for us as kids.
Kathy says
There were occasions that I couldn’t get away from work and would have to send someone to pick my kids up. For those times we had a code word and if the person didn’t know the code word my kids wouldn’t even speak to them. You can never be too careful!
Kathy says
Oh, and I always told my kids that a stranger looks just like us. They can be the prettiest, nicest person ever but if you don’t know them then they are a stranger…lots of kids think strangers are scary looking..
dusty earth mother says
wow. we haven’t had the stranger talk yet, and i wasn’t worried about it, because i literally am with them every minute they aren’t in school, but i think i need to start the dialogue.
and i love that laina thinks that God is everywhere. she’s right, you know :-)
Shell says
I’m trying to find the right balance with my boys. Because they have no fear…but when my parents taught me, they completely freaked me out and I thought that anyone who came anywhere near me was going to try to kill me.
Jen says
LOL… I love Laina’s responses! “God is everywhere!” I don’t know that I would know how to handle that because, as adults, we rely on God so much, without even realizing it, and it’s not wrong to do so.
Krimsin says
I was almost kidnapped at age 4. I remember it vividly, the yelling and the police coming to the house. Had it not been for my dog barking so loud and my Mother finally noticing as I went over to their car who knows.
Little dude knows there is bad in the world. We read the book, “Don’t talk to Strangers.” It’s kid friendly and how I introduced it to him at age 3 while he was in preschool. We have a “code word.”
Serenity says
We have been doing this for a long time but we tell our kids to scream FIRE, FIRE instead of Stranger…more likely to get more peoples attention…
Though these conversations were more difficult when my son was 4 because he like to tell anyone (mostly at the grocery store) his full name and where he lived…. there was a lot of avoiding people at that age…lol. As for my other two kids I talk to them but they are both so shy they have a hard time being with anyone besides mom or dad…neither child has been able to go to Sunday School without a whole lot of tears…..
Allison Winfield says
Hi there! Just wanted to let you know that I gave you an award on my blog at
http://luv-books.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-first-award.html
~Allison
http://the-winfields-7.blogspot.com
http://luv-books.blogspot.com
Cranky Sarah says
This may have been said before, but a good response to follow the line of the God part is that “God is taking care of us by giving us the brain/smarts to learn what to do when there are strangers.”
“And by giving you such an incredibly caring and smart mother.”
You could leave that last part out, but it never hurts.
Another good one to add is that if anyone tells you to not tell your parents, especially if they say you’ll get in trouble if you do, is really the one who is doing something bad and is trying to get you in trouble.
I live in a busy metro area and moms are targeted a lot by purse snatchers and other thieves. It got so bad in the parking lot of one of the upscale malls that they made their valet service free to women (people?) with children. Another mom was robbed at gun point at the Whole Foods I used to go to though I had stopped a few weeks before because I was always targeted by panhandlers there. I used that fact as an impetus to have the conversation and to get them to hurry the hell up when I’m loading the car.
Angel says
DR. Phil had an episode about this on. Said to teach your kids to drop to the ground and become dead weight then KICK at the attacker, if they turn the child turns screaming the whole time… Fire Police, stranger I don’t know you, don’t touch me, whatever.. just don’t stop kicking. They want docile targets not screaming dead weight banshees..
angie says
This is something I need to talk with my children about. Thanks for the reminder!
mama-face says
being the experienced mom I am…which means nothing…I feel that blunt is best. Try to make the conversation full of both positive and negative points. Bless her sweet simply faith; totally touched my heart.
Swirl Girl says
When my girls were old enough to talk – we established a code word. That code word = the word that anyone who says they are supposed to pick them up or drive them somewhere or says “your mom told me to…” – that person knows the code word. Even now (they are 6 and 10) we use the code word.
Not for nuthin’ but I also told them that it really when hurts when guys get kicked in the penis or have their eyes scratched out.
Tiffanny says
Love that you posted this. We actually tell him to yell “YOU ARE NOT MY DAD, CALL 911”. Cause we all know a person carrying out a screaming kid is something we see every day- FIRE might just be confusing? Anyway, yell, scream, kick, bite, kick in the penis, whatever you need to do to NOT get in that car.
Jen’s comment about Hayden still has me laughing!
xoxoxo
T
Justine says
Ooh yeah, this stranger danger shit is so important these days. The puppy thing is a scenario I’ve posed to my kids many times. Another thing… if they’re outside playing and they’re riding their bike and someone tries to snatch them, tell them they MUST hold onto their bike with their arms, their legs, everything, and scream bloody murder at the same time. A kidnapper can’t get both a kid AND their bike in the car without being noticed.
Justine :o )
Rhonda says
Oh, I so need to hook you up with my Monday post!!! Seriously, head over there and read it. I scanned Olivia’s recent book and it is a doozy!! (It’s really short too, just FYI, cause I know you’re a busy gal!)
http://adayinrhondaslife.blogspot.com/2010/03/clues-that-your-six-year-old-may-be.html
Lourie says
The puppy example is a fantastic one. I also ask from time to time, what IS a stranger? It’s a scary thing. Good for you for getting the ball rolling.
Justice Fergie says
i don’t even want to freak you out so i won’t get into the details of how my daughter’s school LOST HER for TWENTY FIVE MINUTES on Friday. Yes, that’s right. She is in KINDERGARTEN. I really can’t even talk about it (and certainly haven’t posted about it yet). She was found OUTSIDE by a STRANGER walking in the neighborhood who walked her to the front of the school. It’s complete insanity and I’ve barely slept since. Did I look out of it on Saturday?? Anyway, she knew all her “stranger rules” but she’s 5 for Pete’s sake and so she did walk with the strange woman to the front of the school. Thank GOD she is alright. We are getting her a Migo phone and I also have an Insignia Child Tracker ready to activate.
Insane. That’s all I can say.
Kat says
You, SERIOUSLY, must be kidding me. I think I may cry at this story.
Sandra says
Get tough… don’t worry about worry… it’s crazy out there… and you must arm your kids with wit and a little healthy fear…
The worst thing for a child to feel out in the world, is invincibility… they are targeted…
I went so far as to set up a decoy “stranger” and test the kids once in a while, to see if they remember what to do… while I watched from down the street…
I have to do… what I have to do… my boys are now 16, 14 and 11, and very aware of their surroundings, and know how NOT to act…
Good luck… be tough my friend…
Mama Mary says
Great post! I love when kids say things like “God is Everywhere” and you think, huh?
I recently blogged about the stranger danger topic too because of the Chelsea King incident in SD that has every mom & parent just beside themselves. My girls are only 1.5 and 3 so I am looking ahead and wondering just how young I should introduce it without freaking them out. Ugh!
Kat says
Oh my gosh… I feel you, Kathy. I do — and have — gone over the top with my kids… so much so (giving them examples) that they won’t play in my FENCED IN BACKYARD without me there (which tends to get annoying, might I mention). They won’t let me run into the garage to close the door, after they’re already in the car, buckled… screaming, “I just saw a white van!! What if they take me?!?!”.
My oldest JUST turned 7. My youngest is almost 1. 2 in between them. I think I scared the snot out of them with my “hypotheticals”. I pray they don’t need to be in a situation like this, but you never know.
I can almost hear your girls’ responses, the way you wrote the above. Adorable!
Jennie says
We always had a secret code word. Pick one that wouldn’t be easily guessed or said on accident (maybe a compound word), easy to remember, and make sure the kids know not to tell it to anyone. We were not to go home with anyone without that word. We never had to use it, but it builds confidence that “mom didn’t tell you to pick me up”.
trash says
I agree completely with the idea of a code word but add the caveat of a friend’s experience.
She had agreed a code word with her children who frequently used to walk home from the primary school down rural lanes. One afternoon their dad stopped about 1/2 mile from home and told the children to jump in and they refused as Daddy didn’t know the code word!
Of course I was very sympathetic to the situation – once I stopped laughing!
Sadie at heyMamas says
That is a cute convo you had with them. And your girls are so sweet that they would only kick the stranger in the back, my girls are like, “yeah, we would kick him right in the nuts, and maybe even grab and squeeze them.”
We run scenarios about once a month and I always throw different ones out there. The puppies were tough for me too!
Sadie at heyMamas
underground hypnosis says
I agree completely with the idea of a code word but add the caveat of a friend’s experience.
Jade says
OMGawsh! Laughed out loud! I live in SoCal (idk if that makes a difference) but, my stranger talk consisted of this: What do strangers look like? Like NORMAL people. What does that mean? Don’t trust ANYBODY!!! Give everybody the evil-eye and walk with a gangsta limp. haha maybe I should blog about that…thought everyone told their kids that!