I suck.
Bad.
I really don’t want to be that weird coddly mom who gets down on her knees to have a discussion with her four year old about why she doesn’t want to wear her pants. I don’t want to be that mom who whips up three different meals for three different kids after asking what they’re hungry for three different times. I don’t want to be that mom who offers her two year old a piece of candy if he’ll follow her to the bedroom and lay down for a nap without screaming.
I don’t want to be that mom.
I am totally that mom.
I have done all of those things. I get so tired of yelling and arguing that I sometimes become that mom to keep the peace. And let’s face it, I just want my kids to be happy.
This morning Maile screamed that she didn’t want to go to school.
I had a feeling the reason she was so upset was because she wanted to stay home and color with her friends here, so I stuck to my guns. I forced her to go and she screamed the entire time. On the way there I wondered why my kids throw fits like this about school and I attempted to calm Maile down by reminding her that her entire class would be waiting outside when we pulled up and that everyone would see her crying. You know…plant the seeds of humiliation early.
She didn’t care.
I have no idea why she suddenly had such a negative response to school. I’ve never heard of anyone being mean to her and just an hour earlier she was picking out her lunch.
As I parked the car I gave her the choice (read “empty threat”) that the mom I don’t want to be gives her Kindergartner. I said, “look. If full day Kindergarten is too hard for you than maybe you should go to half day Kindergarten and stay home and take naps everyday like the other little kids. How does that sound? Is that the choice you want to make?”
I’ll be honest, this choice has been given before. I know my daughter. She’s a creature of habit just like her mama. The option of going to a different class with different friends and a different teacher has never appealed to her. Ever.
Until this morning when she thought that option sounded exactly like what she wanted to do.
She agreed to put in one more full day today and think about it and it was decided she could try half day Kindergarten tomorrow.
And I’m freaking out. Because I gave my daughter a choice that I don’t think belonged to her.
I shouldn’t have given her a choice. Why did I have to be that mom?
Maile’s teacher emailed and said Maile seemed “extra withdrawn” today…and that she’s telling her friends today is her last day in class.
And now I have to be that other Mom. The Mom the who “says so”.
When she gets home I have to take the decision away from her and tell her she’s staying in her regular class. Do you have any idea how tempted I am to give her a big hug and take her to Target and offer to buy her anything in the store if she’ll agree to smile and go to school for the rest of the year in her regular class.
Because the thought of her acting “extra withdrawn” while mumbling to her classmates about how today is her last day just breaks my heart.
Truly.
Gwen says
Awe…I’ve been that mom too. There have been times that we’ve had such bad mornings with Ellie that I drive to work in tears, rush out at lunch and buy her a fabulous gift so she can unwrap it and know I still love her. But they know we love them without all of the fluff. Maile will hopefully forget all about this by tomorrow. Sending positive thoughts your way!!!
XOXO
Scary Mommy says
This motherhood shit is hard, man. You are an AWESOME mom. For reals.
Kmama says
I think we’re all that mom from time to time, out of necessity!! I try really, really hard not to make empty threats because it’s almost guaranteed that my kids will call me on it. My husband, on the other hand, has been known to tell the kids that they will “never have Christmas again”. Uh, yeah, sure, uh huh. Whatever you say big guy. It’s a work in progress.
I hope Maile is absolutely fine tomorrow. I think part of the problem with not wanting to go to school is that it’s nicer out and the kids are just ready for a break. My son is acting the exact same way right now.
Missy @ The Marketing Mama says
Oh crap… my heart is breaking for you. What a tough situation. My kid didn’t want to put on his pants today either… and I took him to daycare in his underwear. (Of course I brought his clothes along….)
I’m so sorry to hear that you are both having a rough day. I hope tonight and tomorrow are smoother than you expect. xoxo.
Angel says
Ugh I still deal with this and my oldest is out of school and have one entering high school next year. I think that some days are just rougher then others. Was there someone o soemthing that upset her the day before?? Tal to the teacher and see if something was going on that she didn’t reveal at home. Or she may think that she is missing ou on something at home. So why not offer her a compromise. For being a big girl and going to school she gets extra time with mom to do things only big girls do, like a makeup session, an afternoon at the park. I mean make it something that has more emotional value then monetary..
Mrs. D says
I don’t envy you here. Either way would be tough. BTW, I was like her. Always wanted to stay home and not deal with school, lol. Total introvert.
Brandi says
I’m that mom too and I never thought I would be. You can tell her you made a mistake and found out 1/2 day isn’t allowed anymore. Maybe a ring pop would make it all better….
Hugs..in case you need one!
Joy says
yes being mommy sucks sometimes.
Lex says
I am that mom, too sometimes, probably more often than I want to admit. & like someone mentioned, we need to be out of necessity. I don’t think it makes us bad, I do think it makes it harder on us & sometimes on our kids.
Just today I told my 15 yo that I was taking his computer away. Even though he has been grounded (for what seems like years) & gets “breaks” to play, I feel like I’m taking away his life blood. & occasionally, I get his empty threats (and wonder if they’re really empty) about how he won’t “do anything, then…” and I’m waiting for the day he tells me he’s going to make my life miserable. I want to take it away, move it out of his room and hope that it makes a positive impact, rather than a negative one. Out of necessity will I renege? To avoid the conflict I am trying not to visualize?
Oh & my hub told my 9 yo yesterday that if he didn’t “stop doing that (insert 9 yo boy behavior)” all of his toys were going in the garbage…I called him on that right after the boy went upstairs.
Sorry for the mini novel – I don’t think you’ll be surprised to hear how many of us do the very same thing, more often than any of us want to admit.
Jessica says
You’re a great mom! My son is only 9 months, but I always wonder what I’ll do in situations like that. And I’m sure I’ll be the same way!
thepsychobabble says
We had to be “those” parents the other day too. My daughter took her clothes off at school. Apparently, to her, tights=pants. Erego, she didn’t need a dress over them.
Rather than drive there, try to get her dressed, and expect her to cooperate the rest of the day, I just had the husband pick her up and bring her home.
Only You says
You wrote that perfectly. I am that mom too. Inside I will beat myself up for feeling like I’ve lost, again, and that with each transgression I’m giving my son the upper hand and teaching him that mom’s word means nothing. But I do it sometimes for the same reasons – to avoid a big stink and scene.
But it sounds like what Maile is going through is pretty real, I mean real as in, it is not a bad thing for her to get “rewarded.” But maybe instead of driving her to Target it could be some special one-on-one time with mom, or letting her blow bubbles or whatever she considers a treat. I am guessing she is just experiencing a dip like all of us do from time to time, and it’s a perfectly okay thing to do something to pick her back up. It’s not bribery – it’s just love :-) Hope she is better tomorrow – maybe she will be happy and relieved to know that she didn’t have to say good bye to her friends after all.
Jen says
Aw, we’re all that mom sometimes. Unless we’re not moms.
If I were you I’d just tell her that her teacher said she seemed sad today, and you wondered if it was because she was going to switch classes. Tell her that you thought about it and wondered if maybe she was just tired and wanted a break from school, but would like to stick with her friends and classmates.
If she acts like she would, then you can either a) tell her we all get tired and just want a break sometimes, and then get her excited about school tomorrow, or, b) tell her the same as “a,” and offer her a day off of school tomorrow. Maybe she needs a day off. I don’t know about you guys, but our weekends get so busy that they don’t provide a lot of down time. And full-day kindergarten was really tiring for my oldest. Maybe Maile just needs to call in sick for a day, you know?
You’re a great mom. We’re all trying to motivate our kids to do what they need to, and we have to try a lot of different tactics. Sometimes they misfire, and that’s normal.
Plus the misfires make for better blog posts. ;)
Erin Im Gonna Kill Him says
Yeah, it’s not easy to stick to your guns when gummy bears are so much more effective.
Have you asked her if there is something bugging her at school? I’m sure the answer would not be that easily revealed, but worth asking.
KLZ says
I think we’re all that mom sometimes. I’m that mom when we’re in a crowded restaurant.
Val says
Oops! and LOL! I am that mom sometimes too. And other times I’m all “Just suck it up and do it already!” Then I have kids with tears too…
I guess I have to pick my battles too. darn.
S Club Mama says
Oh sweetie we’ve all been that mom at one time or another. Just be strong. She’ll be alright but maybe talk to her teacher to see if something is up.
Michelle says
Oh, your post hit home. I am so struggling with my youngest- he starts K in July and is telling everyone who’ll listen that he’s “not going to that dumb school” (the one he’s at at least once a week chatting with the girls and teachers) but that he is going to be “homeschooled fo-evva” I don’t know what to do. My oldest was fine with school til about mid-year in K and they didn’t want to go like your baby-girl. It ended up she was getting terrorized on the playground (not in the class where teacher could see) and I pulled her out when I found out. Do you think something’s happening like that?
Stephanie says
Maybe instead of candy and gifts you can make someone else the bad guy. This is my tactic when I am not being That Mom. Try saying that you asked the school if she could do 1/2 day kindergarten and they said that she couldn’t switch this far into the year. Then maybe she will be more mad at them than you? (My husband often gets to be my scapegoat. It’s a good thing he loves me.)
Marcy from The Glamorous Life Association says
We all cave.
All of us.
I would tell her, the school can not make the change at this time. You know pull the red-tape card or something.
School is not optional. And you are a working mom. She needs to go all day. Don’t feel bad about that. At ALL.
Nolie says
We have all been there. Sometimes the day just gets the best of us.
Julie@my5monkeys says
I’ve been that mom too and wondering what happening at school to have my child feel like that. I also talk to the teacher too. Hugs. We’ve all been there.
Rose says
Hard =/
Jaci @ Ravings of a Mad Housewife says
How many times have I been burned by those threats? Ha! I’m so feeling your pain!
No problem–just take it back. All you have to say is, “I’m sorry, but I can’t change your kindergarten class. It’s just not possible and I shouldn’t have offered you something that I can’t make happen. I was wrong. BUT–you only have a few more weeks of Kindergarten. Stick it out! I’m so proud of you for hanging in there ALL YEAR LONG.”
I’m big on showing my daughter I’m human and I make mistakes, too. I know other parents don’t agree with that, but hey, I’m a sinful creature too. When I say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” I’m modeling how she should act when she screws up. I’m not God–I’m not Super Mom–I’m just me. And she respects that more than hypocritical Mom who never admits she was wrong.
Justice Fergie says
oh I so know how you feel. my youngest daughter is literally counting down the days until summer. if she had it her way, she’d drop out of pre-K today. i’ve already bent the rules as much as I could. i don’t force her to wear her uniform anymore (she goes EVERYDAY in jeans and fuschia “high heels”) Who knows what the teachers are saying about me. On the rough days, the nanny picks her up 3 hours early – before naptime. I justify my actions by saying that she’s “only 4 ” (just turned 4 in March) and so going to school everyday all day is hard. But now that I’ve been so slack with the rules, it’s going to be hard to turn back…
angie says
Ohhhhhh. The school year is almost over, right?
Allison @ Alli 'n Son says
I find myself going down that path too some days. Usually it’s briding my son so he’ll eat his lunch/dinner/breakfast. Things like TV, extra snacks, a cookie. Sigh. Why are kids so dang hard?
Kyooty says
Something else is going, on, email the teacher back and ask exactly what happened the day before all this? something has her upset
Los says
My mom would’ve NEVER have given me the choice … she instilled the fear of god in me … so that I wouldn’t even think of crying going to Kindergarten … times have changed (that would probably be considered abuse in today’s world).
Kristy says
I’ve heard about you all over the place and hope to participate in Writer’s Workshop soon! You will be affected more by this than your daughter. She will be fine. Eventually. I know it is so hard to do those things!!!
Karen & Gerard Zemek says
It’s tough being mom. Sometimes you just have to take charge and make a tough but right decision. I wonder why she is so turned off school. Something must have happened.
Jenners says
It is very very hard NOT to be THAT mom sometimes .. you just can’t be THAT mom all the time.
Justine says
Aw Kat, I am so so sorry that you’re going through this. Kids go through so many different stages and it’s so hard for us as moms to know how to handle each one.
You screwed up and boy are you gonna pay for it tomorrow! Sorry, had to make a little heehee there. Chin up mama!
Justine :o )
dusty earth mother says
I am so that mom too. And I was practically peeing with laughter and weeping at the same time reading this story. Cannot wait/dreading to hear how it all turns out.
Megan @ Red Dirt And Crazy says
That’s a tough one. Motherhood is HARD. MUCH harder than I would have ever thought.
Hang in…
I think I would talk with her about why school is so bad now. There has to be something at the root of it.
Hope thing turn out okay!
:-)
Megan
Nicole says
We are all this Mom at some point or another. :-D
I find that when I make a choice like this, where I realize I need to go back on it, I’m just honest with my daughter. She doesn’t always like the honesty…..but I’m just real with her (within reason), even at five. She surprises me with her understanding and other times, even after my honesty….it becomes a “Because I said so” type of situation……
I just realized this probably is really no help at all…..what I thought was potential wisdom…..not feeling so….keep us posted on how it goes?
brittany says
just wanted to see if you had ever gone back to the gluten free cooking or whatever happened with that?
Rebecca says
Sometimes thing just slip out before you even realize the ramifications. I hope things went smoothly and she understands why you have to stick to your guns.
As a middle school teacher, I have seen several students who are actually school-phobic and it breaks my heart. I don’t think this is your issue, but I wonder what makes kids to reluctant to going to school too…school is a fun place, but it’s also a hard place to feel “at home.” Hang in there…you’re doing the right thing for your daughter. That’s what makes you “that mom.”
Paige says
I’ve been through this many times, and it never gets easier. Every once in a while, almost everyone decides they just “aren’t going to school” anymore. My 6 year old struggles with this. And usually by the end of the day (while I’ve spent the day worrying at home) he comes skipping home and says that school was fine. What?
Alexandra says
The power we wield as mothers, so scary.
That’s how we live and learn, and arrive at our insights. And we never forget.
Can you tell the voice of past F-ups over here???
Jennifer P. says
Well–for as much as choice is AWESOME to give our kids, it’s also a fact of life that often times choices get taken away from us. There’s probably some lesson in there to dig out. And never let any one give you flack about being the mom who makes peace–it’s an amazing thing to have a period in your life that’s peaceful :).
Good luck with the situation. Something tells me you’ll come up with an answer. And summer is coming….
dede says
When my 17 yo (ADD) daughter was small, she had to negotiate EVERYTHING. It was the only way she could move forward. At the end of 2nd grade, she too said that was it…no more school. She was able to negotiate her finishing, in exchange for one day off and two afternoons of early dismissal…all had to be her choice. It worked; she went to school without much fuss for the rest of the year. I think she needed some control over her situation and she liked looking forward to those days ahead when she would get to do something different.
Rachel says
Awwww I am so sorry! I hope everything was better today when she went to school? Parenting sucks ass sometimes. You my dear are doing a fabulous job though!!
Sam_I_am says
My mom never wanted to go to school, because she was afraid that something would happen to my grandma while she was gone. She refused to get on the bus the first two days of school, so on the 2nd day, my grandma beat her a 1/5 mile uphill to school. Harshness. Then the 3rd day, she grabbed the flagpole and wouldn’t go to class, so her teacher pried her off and beat her down the hall to class.
Lourie says
Are you in year round school? Not that you can reason with a kindergarten kid but you could tell her school is almost over. Or…be that mom…do the half day thing, but she has to take naps. You’re a good Mama. We all doubt ourselves, but that is what makes us good moms…because when we doubt, we try harder.
Heather says
You should say exactly what Jaci said!
sarah says
omg that sounds awful! and super common… please, you did the Right Thing when you gave your daughter a choice; please don’t take it away from her or that tiny bit of trust will be gone. have you ever read any John Holt? I’m a homeschooling/unschooling advocate, and what your daughter is experiencing is really typical. Kindergarten is a real shock to the system; many people do not believe kids should be away from home that early. she wants to be with you and her friends at home sounds like, so you should feel lucky. What is the big rush in distancing yourself from her? Homeschoolers are more secure, more confident, better socially because they’re not so catty and forced to vie for the attention of the one teacher, plus they learn more and come out smarter and happier. please check out John Holt’s “Teach Your Own” and “Learning All the Time,” as well as “Homeschooling for Excellence” by David & Micki Colfax, and the “Unschooling Handbook” by Mary Griffith.
You did the right thing as a mom–kids should be given a choice. It’s their life and school is objectively a crappy place to grow up. Homeschooling kids can even reintegrate into the school system at a later age. It’s just that when they’re that young, school is more of a shock. The metaphor I use for compulsory schooling is that little boy on Matilda who is forced to eat all the chocolate cake–it makes the viewer sick. that is what school is like for a child. They have no power to say “enough!” and take a break and digest. It is absolutely constant. Please listen to you daughter, you will be a better mom than most if you do. Godspeed!
Aging Mommy says
Oh this is a great post – you are making the right decision absolutely. It is very hard sometimes to do the right thing which you know in your heart is the right decision, but that’s one of those tough parts about being a Mom.
The way in which you wrote the words above shows oh so clearly the love you have for your daughter, which she also knows so she will, with time, understand. Also, let’s not forget the quicksand that is a young child’s mind, tomorrow she may very well be more than ready for another full day of school and perhaps having thought about your suggestion all day today she will come out of school and tell you she has changed her mind without you even needing to broach the subject. Either way, good luck.
kisatrtle says
(((hugs))) from one of those moms to another. Good luck with that conversation. I think I would tell her that the half day class was filled…but I’m sure I’d get a couple of looks and OMGs from other mothers for suggesting such a lie.
Kristi {at} Live and Love...Out Loud says
This sounds all too familiar. I’ve had two children go through these types of issues with school. When my son was in kindergarten and first grade, it was so bad that he’d run out of his classroom after I dropped him off in order to look for me in the PARKING LOT!!! Eventually, the school staff met me at the curb and physically removed him from the car. kicking. and. screaming. every. single. day.
My 7-year old daughter has felt the same way that Maile does. She hated preschool and kindergarten. I had to physically put her in her seat on the bus every morning. It was so physically and emotionally exhausting and heart breaking, but I stuck to my guns. She’s so much happier now, but she tries to pull the “I’m not feeling well” routine with me every now and then.
Being a mom is truly the most difficult job in the world. It’s so hard to find that balance between what our child wants and what we feel is best. I’m sorry she had a rough day and that you did as well. Have a glass of wine. Stat!
Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
@TweetingMama
BigMamaCass says
OMG I am freaking out now cause I am totally that mom too. And in 3 years it’s going to bite me in the ass when I have to take Monk to kindergarten. Oh lord!