I love that the powers that be at ABC (re Chris Harrison and friends) continue to pretend like there’s a success rate on this show.
We know all of these relationships end in break up and we don’t care. Please stop referring to the couples who have “gone on to date, get married, and even have kids” together because let’s face it, we all know the only people you’re referring to are Trista and Ryan and let me just say that one couple out of 193 is not great odds. Let’s not act surprised that Jake and Vienna (the odd couple) are calling it quits. You just keep producing the drama, we’ll just keep watchin.
Now that we have that all squared away let us recap, shall we?
The first half of the show was all about Portugal. Ali made out with Roberto on top of Pena Palace while overlooking my future hometown.
Ali had an awkward double date with Frank and Ty that we barely paid attention to because we were reading about Jake and Vienna’s break up in People magazine.
Ali got to know Chris L. better after having some trouble “breaking down his walls”. A little strange to have someone on the show who isn’t reciting sonnets and singing ballads from day one. Chris L. is a great big awkward gentleman, and we like him. And we don’t know why we continue to call him Chris L. when there are no other bachelors named Chris on the show, but we do.
There was a date between Ali and Kirk that we barely paid attention to because we were looking for chocolate and thinking about how The Bachelor Pad might work.
In the end, Ali cut her losses and finally said goodbye to the fella who’s not a fan of women working outside the home…or having opinions…or learning stuff. Bye bye Ty and we don’t care.
The second hour of the show was the fame whore break up heard round the world…Jake and Vienna sat down with Chris Harrison to have their sides heard once and for all! It was so great to finally get some peace of mind as each of them spoke their…piece.
This was the perfect opportunity for Jake to humbly take a seat, keep his mouth shut, say his bit, and watch as Vienna digs her own grave. She’s SO good at that. We all saw what a nightmare she was when they were on The Bachelor together. America ALREADY hates her. She has a big mouth, she doesn’t let Jake speak (which was clear even without him pointing it out to us every time she interrupted “and another interruption! Garsh Chrish this ish exactly what I’ve been dea…and another interruption! SHUT UP JAKE!), and she’s obnoxious.
We wanted to watch the interview and think, “yep, Jake finally sees in Vienna what we were seeing all along. Glad he finally came to his senses.”
But this is not what happened.
Flustered Jake sat seething as Vienna walked us through all the dirty little details of their daily fights. He showed us with his reactions that he’s perfectly capable of the behavior she was accusing him of. And as it turns out, our little golden boy is a bit of an old fashioned fella who, like Ty, is not a fan of The Woman and her Opinions.
1.) Vienna “undermined” Jake when she glanced at the GPS doo hickey after Jake gave her CLEAR and CORRECT directions.
2.) Jake spoke ill of Vienna’s sick puppy that was in the hospital with an IV!!! (and yes we DO care Chris)(Jake: You mean the dog I flew in on my dime?? Ha! Shee what I mean Chrish!?!).
3.) Jake doesn’t call Vienna’s Dad on the phone.
4.) Vienna “undermined” Jake again by re-measuring angles for furniture in a bedroom.
5.) Vienna “undermined” Jake again when she didn’t get a job in LA.
6.) Vienna “undermined” Jake again by sleeping in until 10:30 every morning when Jake gave clear instructions for her to get a job (It’s still night time in Australia JAKE!)
7.) Jake does not want to make whoopi with Vienna anymore because…he’s…fasting.
8.) Vienna undermined Jake again by putting mustard on a hot dog when she should know he hates mustard.
9.) Jake is a “fame whore” who is no longer interested in being a pilot like he promised, but is traveling away from Vienna all the time leaving her lonely and isolated.
10.) Vienna is jealous that she didn’t get many of the same opportunities as Jake and that’s why she’s unhappy with his new career change.
11.) Vienna “undermined” Jake when she sold her story to “the tabloids” behind Jake’s back.
12.) Jake was gonna do it first.
13.) No he wasn’t.
14.) Yes he was.
15.) huh uh.
16.) Shut up.
17.) No you shut up!
18.) You’re shumthin’ elsh…
19.) You’re an ass!
20.) WHY I OUGHTA…..
And that’s the gist of the entire interview. Jake was extremely rude. Vienna recounted story after story to prove her points. She did interrupt Jake quite a bit, but he came off bastard-y while she just seemed desperate to be heard and frustrated with his “fake lying”.
It’s time to let them go America. This is not going to be the fairy tale we all thought it would be. Just let them go.