I hate the park. Despise it. I feel like I should be taking my kids out for fresh air and exercise, but all I can think about when we’re there is how many other things I could be doing. I would rather scrub my toilet with a paintbrush than spend an hour at the park. In fact, the only time I actually think about cleaning my house is when I’m at the park with my kids. I’m good for maybe 20 minutes before my ADD is ready to go.
Pat is awesome at the park. Thank goodness. He’ll take the kids and let them play forever and leave me at home where I spend time doing much more important things…like eating nachos.
Part of my problem with the park is that I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to be doing there. Nod and smile at other mothers? Pretend not to be annoyed when their children trample mine? Walk around the climber and carefully spot my precocious three year old as he steadies himself on the highest platform? Can I bring my book? Can I bring my laptop? Can I bring a cocktail?
See how this is all very confusing for me??
Here are a few tips that I discovered make the park an enjoyable experience for all involved:
- Monkey Bar Knock Off
Distract your show off monkey bar climber from completing the set of bars by shouting distracting statements to her. Yelling “Mr. Noodle eats babies!” will cause your child to laugh and lose her grip and you will get an intense satisfaction at seeing your show off fail. Feel free to let her know that you knew she couldn’t do it…and then repeat the process when she climbs back up to PROVE she can cross the monkey bars.
Challenge your three year old to jump from high surfaces. If he falls and breaks something you will have the added bonus of an exciting topic to post on and if he makes the jump then…you’ll need to find a higher platform.
Laugh and clap as your dog excitedly runs after all the children. He should be friendly and not bite, but the occasional knock over can lead to hearty laughs for everyone. Apologize to parents when you leash him back up. Also be sure that the dog is 100% yours and that there are no hefty fees involved should somebody attempt to harm him.
Spin your kids on the tire swing as fast as you can. Watching them stumble will be good fun and they’ll think twice before hounding you to push them in the future.
Pack them in a back pack and don’t tell the kids you have them. When they’re distracted yell “FIRE IN THE HOLE!” and just start throwing them at every child you see. Parents will think it’s cute and the kids will have a ton of fun.
- Show Your Kids That Even Though You’re Old, You Still Own The Playground
These kids think they’re such hot shots with their monkey bar skipping and swing jumping abilities. Show them how it’s really done. A certain someone used to rule the playground before they were even born and that certain someone was you. Reclaim it.
Suzanne says
Seriously, where do you come up with it? I have the same feelings but could never put it to words like you do! Love it, with my coffee on a Monday morning…
Shell says
Your water balloon idea is very tempting.
Liza says
You could also show up in a homemade park cop outfit, complete with shiny badge and whistle and walk around with long, lock-kneed steps, slapping a stick – or, better yet, a full-on branch – in your hand, blowing the whistle at any and all children and screaming at them that they’re playing wrong. Then, write them a citation.
This post was hilarious.
Hey, does anyone ever tell you that you look like Kristen Wiig from Saturday Night Live? Cuz you kind of do.
Mama Kat says
I just google searched her name…I’m not complaining:
http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/Kristen%20Wiig.png
Jaci says
Oh, Kat. You’re totally drunk in that last picture. Admit it.
I’ve learned not to go to the park on Sunday. That’s when all the dead beat, drug using Dad’s from the Island (Butler’s own ghetto) pick up all their various kid’s from different Baby Mommas and take them to the park. Then…they sit on all the good benches and loudly talk with other dead beat dad friends about prison sentences, the time they beat the shit out of their neighbor while their 3 year old son watched with pride, and the story behind their new tattoo.
Hmmm. I need to blog about this! :)
Mama Kat says
I’m drunk in every picture.
And you’re totally right! I can spot those dads from a mile away. And they’re usually thugged out and 20 years old.
Cecelia Winesap says
The picture of the dog is hilarious. He’s like WTH am I doing here? :)
Mama Kat says
Haha! I know! I love that too, he just looks like chasing kids is the last thing on his mind.
Roo says
Solution: Wear a beer helmet to the park.
And, agree with Cecilia ^^^. The dog is hysterical.
liz says
You are better than me. We have a swingset and I can’t stand being out there. Mostly, though, it’s because I still have to help them do everything. I have to stand by the ladder when Maddie climbs, and hold her hand so she doesn’t rocket launch going down the slide. And then there’s swing pushing…
Mama Kat says
That little age is tough because they want to do everything and you just can’t stop them. Spotting is no fun.
Andrea says
That is hilarious. I hate taking my kids to the park. You think it’s a nice day, but when you get there it’s either hot as Africa or a wind storm blows in and it’s freezing. Usually, the only other moms that are there are ones I can’t stand!! So, I avoid the park at all costs. I know, bad mom.
Mama Kat says
Windy days at the park are my least favorite. I can’t punch the wind. But I want to.
Scargosun says
Loving you staking your claim on the playground. I think if I played more often I would be less cynical.
Tracy P. says
“They SAID they wanted a push!” We were at a preschool event with a bajillion families once, when my son spun some kids until one of them threw up. Yeah, totally entertaining! ;-)
Lourie says
The water balloon idea is fantastic! I am not a huge fan of the park either. If they had wi-fi I might be more willing. ;) Great post, Kat!
Mama Kat says
Why DON’T parks have wifi!?! That’s an excellent idea!
Jennifer says
I hate the park too. Luckily it is so hot there that you really don’t have to go that often.
Jen says
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I too never know what to do at the park. And my kids love going. Its like a four letter word around here. One, I don’t like to say often.
Mama Kat says
I’m so glad I’m not the only one…I once said aloud that I hated the park, hoping to make the other moms laugh, and none of them smiled. It was a definitely a failed joke. I think I like blog moms better.
Mammatalk says
I feel so normal now. I hate the park, too!
Claire says
Our park has dead animals in the river(looked like a pig, DH says deer torso, I say pig..Ohio has wild pigs..maybe) and creepy men who stand in the trees.
I USED to like the park..
Then I tried to reclaim it wearing shorts & my ass made a loud SCREECH down the slide. Now I sat on the side lines.Maybe this post will encourage me to wear capris & try again.
Mama Kat says
Dead pigs in rivers are perfectly normal. I mean…when AREN’T there dead pigs in rivers??
Stephanie@Geezees says
Love the last shot of you…what a way to show your kids you still got it!!
Booyah's Momma says
“Mr. Noodle eats babies?” I love the stuff you come up with… hilarious. Did your kids yell that at you when you were hanging upside down on the monkey bars?
Sugar Mama says
I could not agree more about the ADD! When my kids were younger and I’d take them to the park I would be SO bored. I felt like an awful mother. I’m not alone! ;o)
And the tire swing thing…. yeah, I’ve done that. We have one in our backyard and I’ve actually almost made a kid puke.
BelovedAimee says
I Hate the park. I’m too lazy to play with my kids. I’d rather follow them around and take pictures of them.
Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 says
So glad I’m not the only one who hates this crap! I hate the park almost as much as I hate baths!!! Thanks for the tips though…the Park Rangers kept getting pissed at me for getting wasted.
Dumb Mom says
Dude. You look like tons of fun at the park. So, let’s say I do come up with the cashola to go to Philly, will you ditch and go the park to push me on the swing and watch me do sweet jumps? Seriously, don’t let the jelly McBelly and the junk in the trunk fool you, I have some SA-WEET jump skills. SA. WEET. Plus I will totally laugh when your dog knocks kids over (even if they’re mine) and allow you to bring your laptop. I’ll bring mine too! Then we could Tweet each other while we’re there. From across the park. And laugh super loud at our wittiness while other parents stare and judge. Are you in?!
Mama Kat says
I’m in.
And I officially challenge you to a game of four square.
Jen says
All awesome ideas, Kat! LOL… I think I would fill a water bottle with something that resembled juice, grab a book and the suntan oil and find a bench. ;-0
SaucyB says
Oh i totally feel the same way about trips to the playground. I swear time comes to a standstill. Every time I look at my watch it’s like, what do you mean it’s only been 5 minutes?? Feels like 20!
Will have to take your suggestions for coping under advisement. ha ha
Marvi Marti says
Where were you when my kids were little and I needed ideas like this to make the park run for me?????
Mama Kat says
It really is all about us…we should never lose sight of that.
Corinne says
I thought I was the only one. I hate taking the kids to the park. My husband loves it though.
Foursons says
Wow, long sleeves and jeans? It’s really that cold there? I’m so jealous!
Mama Kat says
I almost commented on that myself in the post! Our days are so weird here. It can start off cloudy and cold in the morning and then hit 80 by lunch time. Lately we’re boiling though. A whopping 90 degrees yesterday! :)
Shelley says
You sound like so much fun to go to the park with!! And I think it’s perfectly acceptable to bring an ipod or a book to the park.
Mama Kat says
and a margarita???
Kathy says
hahahahahahaha you just rock
MommyLisa says
I only like to play captain and steer the ship. ;)
K Odell says
What? I can’t drink wine, eat cheese, and take a nap because the other mothers (better mothers) will watch my kids for me? Damn.
Smart Ass Sara says
Yeah- I hate the park too. I actually hate playing pretty much everything. It’s terrible. I have mom friends who get REALLY into it and I just want to smack them. And I know I get this from my mom who went with me to the park with my son. There were kids throwing rocks and while annoying, wasn’t going to kill anyone since they were throwing at the wall of a building. So my mom’s like, “Throw them again and I’m going to make you eat them.” Um yeah. I wanted to say that but you know, the daycare instructor standing RIGHT NEXT TO US prevented me. But mom could care less and didn’t feel like an asshole standing there. Ugh.
Liza says
hahaha. Nice. I was wondering if you’d come across a photo of that character. It’s ridiculously funny.
stephanie says
this is awesome. i feel the same way at the park. its time to catch up on my phone calls. and then my kids keep saying, “play with me, push me, help me, look at this…” i wanna say, “who do you think i am? daddy?”
Shanna says
Are you seriously wearing a long sleeved shirt!!!!???? It’s 100 with a “heat index” (whatever the eff that is) of 112. Hot. I almost always take a book. When my kids say “I need help!!” I say “no you don’t…” and don’t miss a beat with the read! ;)
gina says
Do other moms come up and hug and kiss your dog? Because I think I would.
I’m weird. I know.
Allison @ Alli 'n Son says
Now I finally feel like I can say this out loud, I hate parks! OK, that’s not totally true, but after 20 minutes, I’d like to just go home. My kiddo will not play by himself. I can’t even just sit and watch. It’s so not relaxing.
Cari says
LOL. Great post! Glad to know I am not alone on the not liking parks…super ideas.
Crystal says
haha, now that is hilarious!!! I’m totally the same way at the park. My husband is much better at it than me. It’s just a little boring for me, helping my son up the the ladder to go down the slide 2 dozen times, then swinging them both on the swings for hours on end. The problem is, they never get sick of it! They just want to do the same thing OVER and OVER and OVER. It’s no wonder that us moms get ADD so fast when playing with the kids.
Lindsay says
Hahaha, this is fantastic!! Good laugh :)
Oh, and of course, it’s perfectly acceptable to bring your laptop and cocktails to the park! ;)
alexis says
i think it’s really admirable that you even stay at the park. i just take my kids and leave them there. they’re three and one, so they’re old enough to take care of themselves, and anyway, they’re cute so other moms always want to play with them. i usually go to a movie, sometimes lunch with friends.