We’re talking about sex these days.
And by “we” I mean “Maile”.
She started asking me questions about how babies GET into a mommy’s belly and I knew we were in for a ride. I wasn’t sure how honest to be with her and spent a lot of time dodging her…literally walking the other way when I’d see her approaching.
When do parents start talking to their kids about this stuff? She’s not even seven yet? She doesn’t even KNOW the word vagina. While I didn’t want to spend a lot of time talking about it, I also don’t want her to be that uninformed kid with a bright red face when her friends are talking about sex and she suddenly realizes that “just hugging” is not what makes those babies!
Ahem.
So when Rudy’s owner called to let me know that her Ava was in heat and that it was “time”, I decided this might be a good time for Maile’s introduction to the birds and the bees…and by default Laina and Kainoa as well (sorry kids!).
In my defense, Pat had a softball game that night and I had no choice but to take the kids to Rudy’s love making session. I knew that I would get some questions from them, but I thought by relating the questions to animals instead of what moms and dads do in the bedroom…it might be easier.
So this happened.
And then this.
And the questions came, “What are they DOING Mom?” to which I answered “making puppies!” and when the dogs were “tying” (did not even know dogs did this! Where the male finishes his job, but they stay connected for a minimum of 10 minutes.) Maile asked “why are they stuck together!?!” to which I answered, “because they’re making puppies!!” and then “how does he put the puppies inside??” to which I answered, “well…you know that thing in between his legs? It has seeds in there and he has to put them in Ava’s belly so that they will grow into puppies! Isn’t that great!?!”
Not factoring in my kids’ shocked faces, I’d say the lesson went quite well. There were a few more questions in the car, but I think I aced them with flying colors and the girls are TOO excited for the new puppies to come.
Fast forward to bath time…all three kids together.
“Mom? Is that thing between Kainoa’s legs where he keeps his puppies??” which was soon followed by a “when Kainoa is big will he make babies like Rudy?” and then “Do mommies and daddies get stuck like that?” and then my personal favorite, “Did you and Daddy do that!?!”
Things are awkward over here.
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A lot of great discussions on The BlogFrog forums today…swing by and answer questions like, How do you get ads on your blog? Will your kids need to change their names to run away from the information about them on the web? Medication suggestions for cat allergies? Blogger or WordPress? And of course the bajillion questions I asked about the Sex Talk…what will you say when you have it?
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Sugar Mama says
ROFLMAO!!!!
I’m cracking up!
This is always a tricky one. Every parent thinks there is a “best” way to talk to their kids about sex. I’ve done it differently with all three of mine, but obviously my 13 & 11 year old have it pretty much figured out. My daughter knew the name “vagina” since as early as she could talk. And she was happy to correct any of her little friends that called it by another name.
Jenn says
I think you handled it pretty well lol. It’s never easy to know how much information to give and at what time!
They put a section on “sexting” in our elementary handbook and because the kids have to sign saying they have read it, I had a very interesting conversation with my 4th grader. When I started explaining his response was “Oh dear god….”
Angel says
LMBO thankfully I have raised my kids in the country so it was so much easier to explain things to them… Now the fun comes if they walk in on ya’ll and you aren’t in the position Rudy was in.. ummm yeah mommy explain that one lol
...love Maegan says
ohMyGOD HILARIOUS. seeds …ahaahha
Cheryl @ Mommypants says
They stay together for 10 minutes? Huh. Interesting how it’s 10 minutes. Just sayin’.
Paulina J! says
And this is the reason why I’m subscribed to your blog!!! It makes my day. I’m not a parent, so I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I think you did a great job. LOL at the follow up questions. :)
Mama Kat says
Thanks Paulina!
This is a perfect “what-not-to-do-if-I-ever-actually-choose-to-bring-kids-into-this-world” blog to read. ;)
Weekend Cowgirl says
OMGoodness! Wish I had been that smart with my two boys. I just bought books and put in their rooms knowing they would read them!!!! 10 Minutes????? Wow.
Holly says
Ewww, they stay together for like TEN minutes after?
Do they have little gameboys to keep them occupied! I would FOR SURE need one of those suckers if that was the human case!
Mama Kat says
At LEAST ten minutes…sometimes much longer. Gameboys would definitely come in handy.
Scargosun says
I sooo needed that smile and giggle this morning. :)
Melissa says
Wow! that is some serious stuff! Better you than me. :)
Peaceful wishes,
Melissa
Mom says
Good job! I always dread those types of questions. My 14 y.o. understands the process now, but it won’t be long before the 5 y.o. needs to know all the details.
Life…EXAGGERATED
Mama Kat says
Just don’t let the 14 yo fill her in! Lord knows what kind of fun facts she’ll walk away with. ;)
Lin says
lmao…that’s hilarious!
Joy says
OMG laughing so hard! Only because we have this same situation sorta, see our female Lab is in heat and I told Wyatt (who is the dog caretaker) to make sure he was closing their kennel very well to make sure the dogs couldn’t get out. Why he asks i always close it, I know but really make sure you pay attention to what you are doing, why he asked again. I said cause Suzie is in heat he said what does that mean? UM well ugh, it means that if a boy dog got around her she could have puppies and we don’t want that to happen just yet she is to young, “how would that happen?” lots of other questions and I can’t believe she could be having puppies “no honey she is not having puppies now” and then daddy finally jumps in and says “I explain it all later when your older”:) whew thanks daddy
and yes the whole process is a bit um yea violent 2 dogs were getting it on the other day on the side of the road and I was SOOO glad the kids weren’t in the car:)
Mama Kat says
Thanks Daddy is RIGHT! That will buy you some time…are you going to breed the dogs when Suzie is older?
Booyah's Momma says
I’m loving this way of introducing the birds and the bees to your kids. Pretty brilliant. Man, I wish I hadn’t gotten the cat fixed.
Mama Kat says
Maybe a reversal is in order…let’s get some kittens in there!
Jennifer says
This is totally what I wrote about today in the Moxie series. For real. Well not the dog part, but the whole talking to your kids about sex part.
Mama Kat says
I heart your moxie series!
alexis @depressionsandconfessions says
is that where he keeps his puppies? i snorted. man kids are smart, and i’m not even being snarky right now.
we always said “penis” to my son, so that was never really an issue–except for the time he saw me changing my clothes and said, “mama, where’s your pee-noss?”
but we haven’t really had the sex talk yet. he’s only three, and i guess i’m just hoping that he sees some horses doing it in a random field and figures it out on his own.
Mama Kat says
Oh Lord…horses are way worse than my dog example. I can’t wait to read THAT post!
kisatrtle says
I think you did a great job. It’s tricky. Prepare yourself for questions you never thought you would hear. I talked to the girls when they were around 2nd/3rd grade.
I used a puzzle analogy. You have a piece….he has a piece.
Middle daughter always asks the questions that throw me. One time in the car she said her 8 year old friends told her the sperm gets to your stomach by traveling down your throat and that’s how babies are made. “So how does the sperm get in your mouth?”
I nearly wrecked the van.
I answered very honestly and told her that sperm should never, no matter what anyone tries to tell her, be in her mouth.
Mama Kat says
Ewww!! Hahaha…I like the puzzle analogy, but her follow up question kills me!
Jennifer says
I’m cracking up here! I’m a total slacker mom and let them learn the basics in the sex ed class they give at school and THEN I answer any lingering questions they have and go over it all so they understand. So far, I’ve only had to do it once and have a few years before I’ll have to do it again. My daughter’s response was “um, ok. that’s good to know.” She’s still a little grossed out by it all (THANK GOD!)
And when I was young I witnessed our two dogs “tied” and COMPLETELY flipped out. I thought there was something wrong with them and that they were going to DIE! Went screaming and crying to my mom that the “dogs are STUCK TOGETHER”. I’m sure that was awkward for my mom to explain! It still freaks me out that they do that. Talk about EWWWWW.
Mama Kat says
It’s so gross! My step-dad said some animals can stay like that for up to four hours! Can you imagine?
Bethany says
Honestly, I think this was a genius way to handle the topic because then they aren’t sitting there picturing Mommy and Daddy the entire time, ya know kind of diverting to the dogs. However, the bath tub questions almost made me spew all over my keyboard! lol. No pun intended – I know I’m real mature like that. :P
Mama Kat says
That was totally my goal with the dog thing…let’s NOT picture mom and dad and just think about PUPPIES!!! :)
Kelly says
Oh no! TOOOOO funny!!!!
Steph says
Whatever you do, do not get the book with the fat naked cartoon characters. Seriously, it scared me for life. I REPEAT, NO FAT NAKED CARTOON BOOKS!!
Megan says
LMAO!! This is priceless! You’ll have to remind them of this conversation years from now. ;0)
Lauren Cunningham says
lmao
“Did you and daddy get stuck together like that?”
Could you imagine if that happened?! That would make sex really awkward at the end… lol
Mama Kat says
No woman in her right mind would continue making babies if it were like that.
That’s valuable blogging time!
Momlissa says
Oh my god, laughing hysterically over here. Puppies and seeds, love it! That is such a hard one and I don’t look forward to this conversation. Glad it went well!
S Club Mama says
You brave woman! Just don’t take the kids to one of your puppy making sessions LOL
Mama Kat says
Will definitely try to avoid that one!
Ofthesea says
I was gonna make that very same comment. And I’m not even married (anymore, ahem)
Great minds, great minds.
Samantha says
I knew a lot of kids that learnt about the birds and the bees through animals! It was a quick trip to the farm and a lot of grossed out kids.
My mother gave me an overview when I was 4 or 5 because I was very curious and had friends who were getting baby brothers and sisters. I don’t remember her going into details til I was about 11. That was when she waited til we were in the car, on the way to dance class, and I HAD to listen. I remember being so grossed out! I swore I’d never, ever have sex.
My husband still snickers about that. Shows what he knows about post-baby life.
Missy @ Wonder, Friend says
Not to take the focus away from what a great job you did explaining this to your kids (because you did) and how funny their questions were (because they were hilarious), but I’m really hung up on the whole 10 minutes of “tying.” In dog-time, that’s like, what? An hour+? Can you even imagine?
Mama Kat says
Ummmm…no. I cannot. It’s disturbing. And sounds painful.
Jenn @ That Just Happened says
Oh man! I literally laughed out loud, but to make you feel better I immediately felt bad about it. That is just what I do when I feel really, really uncomfortable. All I can say now is good luck. So…good luck.
Dumb Mom says
Who knew about the dogs “getting stuck” together? Clearly not you! But don’t worry Dumb Mom to the rescue. Again: http://parentingbydummies.com/2010/03/mom-tip-tuesday-lets-talk-about-sex.html
BalancingMama (Julie) says
LOL!!! Oh my, that was hilarious. I think you did a fantastic job! I have no idea how I would have dealt with those questions. Please tell me mine will never ask?!?
CityMom2 says
Hilarious! having animals would be advantageous here.
Mine was a no brainer.
Magic Johnson (the basketball player) – became HIV positive when my oldest son was 4. I had just read a parenting article about calling the sex organs by their names and not “cutesy” ones.
So I just told him the bare “when a man and woman fall in love and get married….” Then he asked questions and I answered ONLY what he asked.
That was the hard part.
Your tale is much more entertaining.
Cmom
Diana Lee says
OMG how funny. Even though I really feel for you to be thrust into that conversation. At least you could introduce it through animals rather that going straight to humans.
Grimm says
There must be something in the air! My 7yrold boy asked last week how babies know how to make “muscles and bones and things” when they are in their mommy’s tummy. We talked about that a while, then of course he asked, “How do they get in?” My response was, “What have you heard?!” A dodge for the time being!
liz says
i went down this road with kate maybe 4 months ago, and it wasn’t pretty! though i agree that putting things in perspective by using animals as an example is probably a really great way to have “the talk.”
though the images are now burned into their retinas. Ha!
Lessons in Life and Light says
Oh. Holy. Jesus.
I was taking my last bite of lasagna when I read the “stuck together” part. Ooooohgaaaaawd! Siiiiiick! LOL! I think I just barfed up my lunch.
Thanks, Mama Kat.
Imperfect Momma says
Freakin….hysterical. Just sayin
Untypically Jia says
Poor girl you LOL!
I never got “the talk”. Once when I was a teenager my aunt came to me and asked me and my little sister if we needed to have “the talk” and I said, “No we’re good, we’ve got cable. Kinda figured it out on our own.”
Tristina says
Best. Sex Talk. Ever.
I lived on a farm so we were taught via horses in roughly the same manner. ;)
trash says
I taught my two the correct names for body parts from an early age, the plan being they would never refer to their genitals as ‘winkies’, ‘fairies’ or any of the other synunyms people use. All well and good until I heard my then 2 yo tell the next door neighbour I was going to call my nearly-born baby ‘Vagina’. Oi oi oi!
KOdell says
I think I just came out and said it- But I figured they’d know soon enough anyway because their dad is a frat boy and I’m a bit bawdy.
Want some fun later? When they are teenagers, remind them how they came out of your hoo-hah. LOL- really, not in public though.
Hamlet's Mistress says
This whole post and subsequent comments are hilarious. I don’t have any kids but think this is just priceless. Although I do have to admit feeling a bit sorry for kisatrtle’s significant other.
HM
Jennifer says
Wow. I guess I am lucky. I have a seven-year-old (well almost… he turns 7 next week) son and he hasn’t asked any questions at all. My daughter will probably ask, but she is only 3 right now, so I have some time to prepare.
Cassandra says
This literally made my day. I laughed and laughed at this for about a good minute, then showed it to my sister and we both had a good laugh.
Thanks :)
When I have kids, I’ll have to keep this in mind for potential ways to tell my kids about sex. Awesome.
Holly S says
They call that “tying”? I thought it was just a post-coital cuddle! We learn so much here…
So funny you used the seed analogy…when I got pregnant with my youngest daughter, my 7-year-old son asked the same question. I told him I was like a flower pot with a seed and daddy had to water it and take care of it to make the seed grow. He gave me a squinty look and accepted it. But occasionally he asked…”how did that get in there again??”
Melissa (Confessions of a Dr.Mom) says
Oh holy cow Mama! I am NOT ready for that…talk about a lesson from the animal kingdom! I would probably be the red faced one trying to answer all these questions…
Kir says
as far as lessons go…that was a good one and the questions were STELLAR!!!
wow, I wish you were around about 30 yrs ago when I had questions. I think you did a great job. :)
Val says
oh wow. Good luck over there! I’ll be thinking about you!
I think when I gave the talk to my youngest daughter, it meshed in with the TALK in 4th grade. Kept stressing that something special happens with a husband and wife and sometimes a baby can come of it. If nothing does, then you have a monthly you know what…
brianne says
Oh my gosh, I have had a horrible day and really needed a laugh. This post delivered! I was in tears, literally TEARS! Thanks for making me smile despite this awful day!
Michelle @ Mommy Loves Stilettos says
HAHA! Good for you mom! I am SO not ready for all of that and I’m totally dreading the conversation all together!
Paige says
Oh, that’s fabulous! I hope you and your puppies will all be happy.
Jen says
So do mommies and daddies get stuck like that?
Its been such a long time, I can’t remember.
Carol says
I would love to hear what they say to their friends. These growing pains can be a real challenge, can’t they?
Weebsurfer says
Just call it cuddling…. And RUN!
Coby says
I. Am. Dying! I hope to avoid this conversation with my kids FOREVER! Maybe you can come tell them for me!
Los says
Oh … my … god ….
I think I probably would’ve passed away at a VERY early age if Inga did that to me.
Lauren @ me&mine says
this is why i love you lol i cant stop laughing this is the best! my sis in law was struggling for a while about how to tell her daughter about the birds and the bees and this is pretty much what i told her to do, use the dog as an example! its what i will do with my kids when we get to the age. i am glad you just took initiative and told them instead of having it happen later on in the back on the bus, it makes for better blogging stories and wasnt as traumatic for them im sure. way to go ;)
Amanda says
OMG, just about spit out my tea when I read this….I would say that is a good introduction…..love your stories as always!
Michelle says
Just wanted to say this is awesome! Can’t wait to have more uncomfortable conversations with my kids like this.
I try to answer them as honestly as possible but it is hard sometimes when you aren’t ready for them to grow up.
Kathy says
HA! You are too funny. I remember one of the kids asking me, long about first grade, how babies came OUT. I didn’t realize at the time, but several classmates were becoming big brothers or big sisters – and the girls were having lively discussions about their mommies’ c-sections. Instead of answering the question, which came totally out of the blue, I replied, “Did you brush your teeth yet?”
My all-time favorite response is, “So, you and dad did that TWICE?” (two kids)
Amy says
Thanks for the laugh. That was great!
Mskerryj says
Fabulous! You did fabulous! My son started asking “those” questions last year. I, like you, avoided until I could avoid no more, I too didn’t want him to be uninformed when his friends were talking about “it” or look dumb because “mommy pees & poops our of her bottom” that is what both my boys believed until recently…how dumb would he have looked. Sigh. I also didn’t want him to learn from his friends. I am finding he is in class with a lot of “the younest” who know a LOT becuase of their older siblings! He is the oldest…so…I bought a series. Great Great series. It was an easy read, it is 4 books grouped by age. We read it together…he didn’t ask questions, he took it in, I gave him the book so he could read and reread…but I hope and pray that I have taken away the awkwardness and that maybe just maybe…he will come ask me if he hears something he doesn’t get. My parents NEVER talked to me about it…I am the youngest, they didn’t have to. My thing with both the boys is “no matter how uncomfortable we all feel, I will always be honest”
on a side note…maybe even funnier. I just had the “sex talk” with my sister who is 6 years older than I & recently just got married…even though she “knew” she had “never” and there are somethings she just wasn’t prepared for…and wanted to know…talk about uncomfortable!
Thanks for sharing…you made me laugh! Needed that!
HisBell says
OMG…. I am dying over here… Great post!
Tonya says
They grow up fast, don’t they. My daughter (about 1 month away from being 6) asked me yesterday how babies get out of the mother’s tummy.
Allison @ Alli 'n Son says
I love that they asked if Mommies and Daddies get stuck like that. Wow.
pamtastic says
Well I think you did awesome. You got this party started, so to speak, so I think now it’s Pat’s turn, right? You took them to the doggie porn show, shouldn’t he have to answer some little, bitty, ole questions???
Liz says
OMG…I’ve so been there! My advice: answer only what they ask. No more, no less. They will either accept your answer or ask more for clarification.
My oldest was 7 when I became pregnant again so we decided to use that as the learning platform. I kept things simple. THEN she starting asking about the dogs “mating” and then the getting stuck part. I knew by the look on her face that she was piecing some of it together…I had to QUICKLY jump into her thinking process to let her know – no, humans don’t get stuck. She looked relieved with my answer.
Good luck. My oldest is now going on 12 and we are in full hormonal swing now. Yay.
filimu says
Too funny, and so real! Years ago, I had a friend who had two small girls, and when she was going in for a hysterectomy, she just told her oldest she had to go to the hospital. The daughter only knew the last time she went, she brought home a baby, so she asked if she would again. She tried to explain that no, something was broken inside her, and the doctor was going to have to fix her, but she wouldn’t be having any more babies. Her daughter, being wise to the ways of broken toys, spoke right up, and said, “Mommy, just tell the doctor to put your batteries back in!” I nearly died laughing when she told me!
Andrea says
I saw dog sex when I was about twelve. And that tying off- being stuck business almost turned me into a nun! Almost!
dysfunctional mom says
WELL if you & Pat hadn’t tied up and made those puppies to begin with, you wouldn’t be in this predicament! Muah aha ha ha!!
Lindsay @ Just My Blog says
Dear God, please help my girls to grow up and just ‘know’ they are destined for the convent. Please help them to realize that celibacy is the only way to live so that I may never have to have this conversation with my children. Ever. Amen.
Jacki says
Just recently my 8 year old son realized that he knew babies were in the mom’s belly but didn’t know how they came out. I started to explain female anatomy and horror came over his face. Then we went to the state fair and watched a calf being born. He quite proudly and loudly stated that the calf was coming out of the cow’s vagina.
Now, not sure what will happen when he asks how they get in the belly.
The Idiot Speaketh says
And here I have been doing Sex Ed all wrong with my kids…. I used to just plop them down in front of Cinemax at night for a few hours and then would ask them afterwards if they had any questions… After they were done sobbing….they never had any questions! :)
Nicole says
I am DYING over here…….DYING…..LOL…LOL. You are too much! But kudos for taking on the teachable moment approach!
Molly says
Smartest thing my mom did was have “the talk” in the car. That way she says “the kid doesn’t have to look at you if he/she doesn’t want to. Also they’re trapped in the car and can’t run away”
One time I called her to ask her a question while grocery shopping and she answered with “I NEVER TALKED TO YOU ABOUT MASTURBATION! It’s healthy and normal.”
I love that woman.
mom taxi julie says
OH MY GOD GIRL!! lmao!! My kids are 16, 11 and 7 and we still haven’t had an actual talk. We do talk openly about sex stuff though just not the nitty gritty details. Guess we should do that.
Joy says
well now the other one is in heat also!
Yea we will breed her next year she is only a little over 1. the other one is old enough now and has all of her hip, elbow, and eye stuff done and was set to run her hunt test and (hopefully) get a pass and get her Seasoned title but this heat thing has put a stop to that and hubby doesn’t want to mess up her duck hunting season so looks like a no go for her also this time. maybe lab babies in the spring
dkmissie says
LMOA love it
Texan Mama says
OMG – I love it! So funny!
I’d be all over it. I’d be like, YUP that’s where his puppies are. YUP mommy and daddy do that. Because God made it all and it’s good for MARRIED DOGGIES to make babies but not TEENAGE DOGGIES, got it???
My kids are coming to YOUR daycare for sex ed, Mamakat.