I had an email exchange with Maile’s teacher recently and I made a point to thank her for giving Maile the job as the class’s official computer turner-onner. She was so proud to have such an important job and I love that look of confidence on her face so I made sure to let her teacher know I appreciated it.
Her response was sweet and ended by saying how nice it was to see a smile on Maile’s face since she is usually so serious.
I have to admit, I was a little disappointed with that observation. Not at the teacher…Maile adores her and she’s great…but at the fact that Maile refuses to come out of her shell anywhere but here. She’s so goofy at home and I work hard to make her feel special and loved and confident. And she is! When we’re home she’s a leader, she’s sensitive and passionate, and thoughtful and goofy.
But in public she wilts. She becomes this clingy, quiet, shy whisper of a child. Even *I* have a hard time getting her to talk when she’s like that.
For some reason I thought she was getting better with this. She is excited and ready to go to school every morning. She excitedly relays the details of the days events when she gets home. She looks forward to field trips and other fun school activities.
I just don’t understand. How can she be seven years old and so uncomfortable?
At Maile’s party on Friday, after watching her quietly open all of her gifts and set them aside with nary a full toothed grin…I asked my Mom if any of my siblings had that kind of personality where they just couldn’t be pulled out of that painful kind of shy.
She instantly pointed at me.
“You don’t REMEMBER??” Bianca asked stunned.
The thing is I DO remember…I remember being extremely skeptical of overly enthusiastic adults. I remember not wanting to talk to them. I remember feeling most comfortable with my own siblings and close cousins. I remember allowing my sister’s to answer questions for me.
Looking back I realize how silly it was for me to be so shy. Adults love a precocious, outgoing, happy child. Silly questions? They eat that stuff up! Being afraid and unsure and quiet is so unnecessary, but I thought I was like that as a result of losing my Dad at such a young age…not that I was born like that.
Now I see that I was born like that. The fact that Maile has been raised under pretty ideal circumstances, and that she has not been out of my sight long enough to endure any kind of traumatic experience, and yet she still exhibits this serious/introverted personality in public leads me to believe that this is simply her personality by nature as well.
And what’s so wrong with being serious and a little on the shy side?
Nothing. It’s not wrong.
It’s just not easy. And I want my kids to have it easy. I don’t want them to worry or feel afraid to simply be themselves wherever they are. I love the thinker that Maile is. I feel privileged to know her the way I do, I wouldn’t change an inch of her…but I wish she knew that it was okay to let some of those inhibitions go.
Maybe she needs a drink.
I do.
The upside to all this is that it’s clear I turned out pretty darn spectacular…so at least there’s still hope for her.
Erica says
First, she is beautiful! Second, I remember that feeling so well. I was a painfully shy child – so self-conscious, so aware of everything around me. It’s amazing how much children comprehend about their world. She will gain confidence in public settings in time. Third – and not in a stalker way – but I think we go to the same pumpkin patch! I was looking at your post on that, and thought – wait a minute! I was just at that place! :)
MacDougal Street Baby says
Be careful with your observations. I’m not saying what you’re seeing is not there but we, as parents, do such a good job of projecting our own stuff onto our kids. It sounds, from what you write, that she is a cautious and discerning little girl. In other words, perfect.
Erin says
Can i just say i am so happy to have found your Blog i am having the exact same problem with my little girl( she is 3 ) i was starting to get worried about her as she never wants to mix with other kids out of our house and never talks about any friends from preschool yet she loves to be there…. but after reading this i am feeling a little bit better to know its not just my child……by the way your daughter is beautiful.
Miss Rhei says
I can’t remember me being shy when I was a child but I wish I was. I’ve known many young ladies that were so shy then but turned out great and confident women. I believe she’s a blessing to you in more ways than one. Happy 7th birthday to your girl!!
Tracy P. says
“Nothing. It’s not wrong.” Exactly!
Take your cues from how she talks about her day. She IS having fun! She just has her own way of processing it. AND, she has a teacher who gets her. God is taking good care of Maile–the first thing he did was give her you for a mom, after all! ;-) She’s a doll.
Sugar Mama says
She’s just protecting herself. Kids know even better than adults do who they can trust and be themselves around without any judgment. My daughter’s best friend is just like your daughter and she tends to live in the shadow of my outgoing daughter. I keep telling her mother that someday very soon she’ll burst out of the shadow and surprise everyone. Until then she is a very happy 7 year old girl that just prefers standing back and taking it all in.
Stephanie I says
Most of my family is outgoing and somewhat gregarious until the baby of the family came along. Now at 12 he tries to explain to the rest of us why NOT being popular doesn’t bother him and that he loves to just sit in his room and read rather than be part of the party (except when it’s just the family and then he’s a nut). He is our extreme introvert. I decided to become an expert in him so I read “The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child” and it changed the way we interact. He is so much happier now that we understand. I think your daughter is lucky to have you paying attention to who she is.
Kimberley says
I love, love, love that you ended that with “…I turned out pretty darn spectacular…so at least there’s still hope for her.” It’s clear that she will be fine with such a confident mom!
kelly @kellynaturally says
I remember people asking/telling me to smile when I was a kid. Grown-ups saying things like, “You’re so serious” or “Why so sad” when I wasn’t sad at all… it was always so uncomfortable to me because I remember thinking, this is just my face – its not sad, its just my face… do I have to walk around with a big toothy smile all the time?
I wonder how/if that affected me?
I wish adults would just let kids be who they are… but its so hard because we want for them what we feel like maybe we missed out on or didn’t do correctly…
I think your daughter will be just. fine. She’s just taking it all in, in her own way. She’ll probably turn out to be a great writer or artist some day :)
Cari S. says
First of all – She is gorgeous! Secondly, I think she’s fine. She’s not throwing fits about going to school or other social activities. I think she’s just a very calm girl, and that is a good trait to have too!
JustMom420zaks says
She’s beautiful, (and I’ve noticed she looks just like you)
I absolutely can’t relate. I wish my children had *just* a little bit of cautiousness. Or at least that they didn’t shout, “Hi!” complete with crazy hand-waving at every stranger we pass in Wal-Mart.
You seem to be lucky with yours, that cautiousness indicates that your little girl thinks before she acts. And that’s a really good thing.
I’m always worried mine are going to be kidnapped. “Hi!! Oh, candy? Sure! Let’s go to your big window-less van! I LOVE big windowless vans!!”
Jennifer says
She’s so pretty. :)
My daughter is the exact opposite and sometimes it makes me CRAZY because she NEVER meets a stranger and you can NOT get her to be quite. She got in quite a bit of trouble this weekend in the shoe store because she just could not keep her mouth shut, and she is LOUD. Sometimes I wish she would just be a little bit quieter.
liz says
Aww! I guess it provides some reassurance to you as a mom, because you grew up and out of your shyness.
Kate loves special duties at preschool, too. That’s the first thing she tells me at pick-up.
Alicia says
What a beautiful little girl!! Don’t worry! She will grow out of it. She may be shy right now, but you are a terrific mom and role model and I am sure this shyness is just a phase! She will turn out great, just like you did!!
Tristina says
I was *painfully* shy growing up but a crazy, imaginative weirdo with my brother and cousins, so I know that she’s going through. There’s nothing wrong with her so I wouldn’t be worried. I think everyone goes through a shy period at some point in their life and most outgrow it to some extent. I’m still kinda shy but much more outgoing than I used to be.
She’s gorgeous, by the way.
mom taxi julie says
Maybe you should put her in karate or something to build up her confidence around other people. Although I think all my kids kind of went through a stage like that.
Young Wife says
You have a beautiful daughter, and you sound like a great mom. I’m glad you can understand what she’s going through.
I'm a full-time mummy says
Oh wow.. it’s like this post is written to me! I am such a shy person in public (and totally talkative with close friends and relatives)! I don’t talk much and I don’t approach people unless they approach me first (or unless I was forced to approach them) and I think because of this, my toddler is also sort of becoming the mini version of me.
Thank you for sharing this post. I’m going to do something about this!
Btw, Maile has such a sweet smile! :)
Jamie R. says
Such a sweet post! I bet she WILL be pretty darn spectacular!
Jaci says
My theory: She’s empathetic and aware of others.
Is she caring? Is she the kid that knows when a friend’s feelings are hurt? Or holds back her own wants/desires because expressing them might be hurtful to someone else?
Sometimes that child that seems shy and serious is really just taking everything in and is more socially mature than other self-focused, “at ease” kids the same age. While those kids are running around with a “This is ME! Take me as a I am because I am AMAZING!” attitude, the quiet ones are on to figuring out how much of their self they want the world to see (and judge).
June Freaking Cleaver says
She sounds like she’s an observer – who knows, one day SHE may be the queen of all things bloggy, and be able to recall all of the family hijinx she’s experienced.
I was very, very shy as a child – and moderately shy now. I like to take stock of people and situations before I jump in.
Doesn’t that make us both sound really smart?
Missy @ My Life Ain't Always Beautiful says
You have a beautiful daughter.
I was like that as a child as well and I have a son who acts the same way. I just hope and pray that he grows out of it sooner than later.
Carol Betz says
Don’t even worry about it. My daughter was the same way. She was very serious in school but I found out that she was very popular and was liked by all her classmates. It use to worry the heck out of me. She was this way all through grade school and all the teachers said she was a wonderful student but needed to particpate more in class. She was to quiet. She just took it upon herself to be the best and have the best grades (she actually came home crying in 3rd grade cause she got a “B” on a paper). But was very quiet and serious when it came to learning. I didn’t even realize how popular she was until I went to a prom fashion show that one of her friends roped her in to. When she walked out on the stage she got a standing ovation from her classmates. They had to wait a moment for the crowd to die down to talk about the gown she was wearing. I cried at every fuction she was in (choir,orchestra,plays etc) and believe me I sobbed that day! She actually just told me that she lip snyced in choir and pretended to play the flute in orchestra.She is now in her 3rd year at college and still has that type of attitude in school but she also is and always has been a straight “A” student. So beautiful little Maile is just like her Mama, nothing wrong with that. You seem pretty outgoing now and I’m sure she will be too.
BelovedAimee says
I’d start her off with some snow berry creek boones…it tastes just like kool aide.
Venassa says
I was the same way as a child. There’s nothing wrong with it. I just recently (finally) became a lot more comfortable with myself a lot less shy. I regret not being more outgoing earlier in my life, as I missed a lot of stuff – like socializing at college or making more friends as an adult, but it’s something that can’t be forced by others. You have to grow out of it on your own. I say as long as she’s happy and not hurting because of it, than that’s all that matters.
Allison @ Alli n Son says
We always want life to be so easy for our kids don’t we? I was super shy as a kid and I’m still shy as an adult. Only a handful of people get to see the real me. But that the way that I like it. Nothing wrong with that.
Jen says
I am pretty sure that she will turn out just as fabulous as her mother and will have an even more successful blog.
Lindsay says
My oldest daughter is the same way – Super outgoing and silly at home…Shy and quiet everywhere else. It’s maddening to know what an extraordinary child she is but won’t share it with the world. I can only hope that with lots of love and support she will eventually come out of it.
Booyah's Momma says
My oldest is the same way as well. Spirited and outgoing at home, but painfully shy at preschool. I take comfort in the fact that, at least her teacher does not have to tell her to use her inside voice 50 times a day.
lisleman says
first time here – I was browsing around some of your posts. I really like the vlogs. You sing well and the clips are funny.
There’s always something to worry about with kids. Just be sure she feels the love and knows you are proud of her and keep her self esteem up. It’s not an easy job but an important one.
I did a guest post about parenting (very general) this summer.
http://eternallizdom.blogspot.com/2010/09/guest-blogger-lisleman.html
SaucyB says
I have a feeling she will come into her own just like you did. Kids go at their own pace. :-)