Dear Ellen Letter #18: Me And Ellen In A Coffee Shop

January 16, 2011 · 38 comments

Post image for Dear Ellen Letter #18: Me And Ellen In A Coffee Shop

I think I know what the problem is here. I love being your pen pal, but I feel like there’s some kind of weird expectation where you feel if you start corresponding with me it means I’m going to ask you for help with our mortgage or something. Which would be SUPER cool, but I would never ask you to do something like that for me.

I have a feeling you think the only reason I’m even interested in pursuing this pen-palmanship is because you’re like this big star and have a talk show that could shoot me to super stardom for just…being…awesome.

I’m a realist Ellen.

I don’t know of anyone who has gotten famous without any true talent to back them up. Except for maybe the Taco Bell dog. And Paris Hilton. And Kim Kardashian. And all 12 of her siblings. But that’s not what I’m about.

Being famous is something that would go straight to my head. I would demand sliced cantaloupe in every room I set foot in. And I don’t even like cantaloupe. I would fly with a miniature poodle that I would dress in purple tutus. I’d leave my husband for John Mayer and than write a post about hating him for a song he wrote for me and his 3 other girlfriends.

I’d adopt 4 Haitian children, an orphanage of abandoned Chinese babies, and a Chilean miner. I’d forget all about my life as a doting wife and mother of three and I’d fall into an abyss of living that consists of nothing more than Oxycontin, alcohol, and TV appearances for being awesome. Eventually I’d lose custody of my Haitian children, my Chineses babies, and my Chilean miner and I’d wind up as some washed up nobody on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Fame. Is. Not. For. Me.

What I want is a friend.

I want a friend in you, Ellen, and to prove I sincerely have no interest in being part of your fame, I’d like to include this list of things we could do that do not involve me starring on your show.

  1. We could meet up at your mansion and laugh at your wonderful pets while we drink coffee.
  2. We could hang out at the local coffee shop and laugh about the time you sent a guest to a coffee shop with an ear piece and some video cameras while you were on a microphone telling her what to say.
  3. You could tell me some funny things to say at the coffee shop and I would say them and we could laugh about that.
  4. We could put an ear piece in my ear and have you wait in the car with a microphone and tell me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
  5. We could put an ear piece in my ear and have you wait at your studio with a microphone and tell me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
  6. We could have cameras rolling on me in the coffee shop while you’re in your studio with more cameras rolling and a Live studio audience, telling me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
  7. You could have me on your show to talk about the funny things I said at the coffee shop after you finished telling me what to say.
  8. We could finish laughing about our hilarious coffee shop experience on your show and start talking about my life on your show as a mom blogger on Mama’s Losin’ It on your show at on your show and I…I mean…


What’s happening to me? What started off as a list of ideas of things we could do that did not involve being on your show, ultimately led to me being on your show! I feel terrible about this…what ARE my intentions?? I just…I feel like I’m living a lie. I really need to work some things out in my brain right now and I need a friend to help me through this.

Call me Ellen.

We need to talk about this.

Over coffee.


Mama Kat

Click here for my last 17 unanswered letters to Ellen Degeneres.

Mama Kat Loves You When You Love Her


trash January 17, 2011 at 1:17 am

Hang in there honey, she must get lots of post. I am sure she will get to your letters one day and then? WOW! Look out! Ellen & Mama Kat rock the world ;-)

Mama Kat January 17, 2011 at 2:44 pm

You think Ellen gets other fan mail?? Perish the thought! ;)

Lynnie January 17, 2011 at 2:12 am

These letters are so wickedly funny…she’s just gotta have you on her show! She’s gotta!

BJ Mama January 17, 2011 at 2:23 am

Dear Mama Kat,
Why have I been away so long. Ellen does not know what she’s missing….or maybe she does…
(please note. This is how I express to you that you are my hero)

Snuggle Wasteland January 17, 2011 at 6:27 am

I think Ellen needs to have a Blogger Week on her show and you can be the special correspondent to coordinate the whole thing.

Mama Kat January 17, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Right!?! How fun would that be to just fill her audience with bloggers? Starting with us. :)

Laura January 17, 2011 at 6:33 am

After reading this I don’t see how she could NOT want to befriend you and hang out. She would then have a friend by the name of Mama Kat, and not many people can say that.

Bekah January 17, 2011 at 6:43 am

Come on now, you ARE famous! At least to little ole’ me…I am super stoked to be featured on your writer’s workshop round up from last week. Giddy, in fact! Thanks!

Liza@Blahggy January 17, 2011 at 6:45 am

These letters are awesome. They’re totally going to land you on Ellen one day.

And your new blog design? SO Super Sassy and Sexy!! LOVE IT.

Mama Kat January 17, 2011 at 7:52 am

I don’t know…where have you been!?! ;)

And thank you for making me your hero…I think that makes us both stalker, no?

Aunt Bethany January 17, 2011 at 8:35 am

Oh, darling…the new design is delicious! Makes me want to go bake red velvet cupcakes with extra frosting!

Maybe if you brought a dancing dog dressed in purple tutus WITH you to the coffee shop, Ellen would be more apt to answer you back?

Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) January 17, 2011 at 8:38 am

hahaha…i’ve never read one of your Dear Ellen letters before but as somebody who constantly puts up Open Letters on my blog, i applaud you. I’ve actually written Oprah, BlogHer and Bill Maher (not published yet). Hope it all works out for you.

Jenn @ Coolest Family on the Block January 17, 2011 at 8:52 am

lol. I love this letter :) And now I want coffee!

…and I don’t even drink coffee!

Shell January 17, 2011 at 8:55 am

Love your Ellen letters!

jackie January 17, 2011 at 9:19 am

Loving the new blog design!! And these letters are awesome! I was dying watching that clip. It was hilarious!

Mama Kat January 17, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I was watching her videos last night while looking for this Starbucks in…Pat finally came in to see what I was laughing at! They just crack me up!

Julie January 17, 2011 at 9:52 am

I can’t believe that Ellen hasn’t answered yet. Silly woman. And now (like others) I’m craving coffee… which I don’t actually like. Hmm…

Ashely January 17, 2011 at 10:34 am

I love it. I heart Ellen.

Kristy January 17, 2011 at 11:49 am

Someday, someday. It will happen.

Your new design rocks! Beautiful!

Val January 17, 2011 at 11:52 am

LOVE the new top on your blog! And Ellen is terrible for not responding! I’ll bet if you starting writing to Conan O’Brien, he’d respond and get you on his show…
Or get a restraining order on you…

Mama Kat January 17, 2011 at 2:49 pm

You know, I’d settle for a restraining order at this point.

Nicole - When did I become my Mom January 17, 2011 at 12:12 pm

Dude I can’t wait til she actually has you on her show. You know it’s gonna happen right. YEH! (ssttttaaaaalker! lol)

Mama Kat January 17, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I’m not a stalker. I’m A PEN PAL!

Adrienne January 17, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I think your Ellen letters are my absolulte favorite thing about your blog! The new design looks fabulous! :)

KIr January 17, 2011 at 12:59 pm

she’s crazy not to have you on her show…

love the new design..looks AWESOME :)

Alexandra January 17, 2011 at 2:10 pm

NOW…you know I have nothing to feel guilty about. No one is pulling for this MORE THAN ME.

I got your back on this one, mamakat, and I’m going to keep on pimping you.

Sending pix of my fur cape and cane as we speak.

GO TEAMELLEN (comprised of me and mamakat..but that’s ok)

dysfunctional mom January 17, 2011 at 2:36 pm

One day, Ellen is going to realize what she’s been missing all this time. She’s going to feel SO bad that she’s going to do something GRAND to make up for it. I can see this blog turning into “Mama Kat & Ellen are Losing It!”!!
Love the new look, WOW! Huge change and I don’t usually do change but this is Classy. With a C!!

dysfunctional mom January 17, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Oh and I love the pic of you kicked back with the martini. =)

Anonymous January 17, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Someday she’ll answer back and we’ll all be tuning in when she does!!

Sharon January 17, 2011 at 3:40 pm

When she answers you, shoot an email in my direction! I’m tuning in. It will be the funniest show EVER!

SuzRocks January 17, 2011 at 5:25 pm

So I started reading this post, and I was like “DAMN IT!! I totally should’ve thought of this idea”, as I’m sort of new over here, I didn’t know about the past 17 letters to Ellen.

I totally think it’s going to work. Did you see what she did for the 12 year old kid who played lady Gaga on the piano?

You’re next, my dear. You’re next.

Andrea January 17, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Ok, so i am totally with you. Maybe I should write a letter to Ellen telling her why you should be on her show. But you had better be bringing me with you. I mean it. Don’t make me go all Brooklyn on yer behind, alright? ;)

Carri January 17, 2011 at 8:28 pm

I think Ellen secretly loves you back. She’s just playing hard to get, that silly girl. And Portia looks like she’s not above cutting a bish, so if I were you, I’d watch your back at that coffee shop!

Tiny January 18, 2011 at 4:26 am

Hi Mama Kat,

Just found your blog… not sure how I got here, to be honest! I followed a load of links from Meet me on Monday. I think.

Just signed up, loving your humour. Oh, and on your Scarred post – well, my eldest just started university 200 miles away – I honestly thought I’d never survive the pain!

But I did!

Jennifer January 18, 2011 at 10:15 am

Love it. She HAS to realize what a gold mine she would have with you as a regular guest now.

Kim January 21, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Kat: I really think Portia is the issue here. Trust me, I have lesbian friends and they would not openly welcome a married woman wanting to suddenly be a friend and have coffee with their partner/wife. You might have to start dressing in drag to get her attention ;-)

Katharine January 24, 2011 at 2:38 am

Your letters to Ellen really crack me up. I’m over here giggling. Do you actually send these to Ellen or is this just for entertainment? Katharine

Me April 1, 2012 at 9:17 pm

You are pretty freakin fabulous! We gotta figure out a way to get you on Ellen! That Starbucks clip is hysterical!

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