I think I know what the problem is here. I love being your pen pal, but I feel like there’s some kind of weird expectation where you feel if you start corresponding with me it means I’m going to ask you for help with our mortgage or something. Which would be SUPER cool, but I would never ask you to do something like that for me.
I have a feeling you think the only reason I’m even interested in pursuing this pen-palmanship is because you’re like this big star and have a talk show that could shoot me to super stardom for just…being…awesome.
I’m a realist Ellen.
I don’t know of anyone who has gotten famous without any true talent to back them up. Except for maybe the Taco Bell dog. And Paris Hilton. And Kim Kardashian. And all 12 of her siblings. But that’s not what I’m about.
Being famous is something that would go straight to my head. I would demand sliced cantaloupe in every room I set foot in. And I don’t even like cantaloupe. I would fly with a miniature poodle that I would dress in purple tutus. I’d leave my husband for John Mayer and than write a post about hating him for a song he wrote for me and his 3 other girlfriends.
I’d adopt 4 Haitian children, an orphanage of abandoned Chinese babies, and a Chilean miner. I’d forget all about my life as a doting wife and mother of three and I’d fall into an abyss of living that consists of nothing more than Oxycontin, alcohol, and TV appearances for being awesome. Eventually I’d lose custody of my Haitian children, my Chineses babies, and my Chilean miner and I’d wind up as some washed up nobody on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.
Fame. Is. Not. For. Me.
What I want is a friend.
I want a friend in you, Ellen, and to prove I sincerely have no interest in being part of your fame, I’d like to include this list of things we could do that do not involve me starring on your show.
- We could meet up at your mansion and laugh at your wonderful pets while we drink coffee.
- We could hang out at the local coffee shop and laugh about the time you sent a guest to a coffee shop with an ear piece and some video cameras while you were on a microphone telling her what to say.
- You could tell me some funny things to say at the coffee shop and I would say them and we could laugh about that.
- We could put an ear piece in my ear and have you wait in the car with a microphone and tell me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
- We could put an ear piece in my ear and have you wait at your studio with a microphone and tell me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
- We could have cameras rolling on me in the coffee shop while you’re in your studio with more cameras rolling and a Live studio audience, telling me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
- You could have me on your show to talk about the funny things I said at the coffee shop after you finished telling me what to say.
- We could finish laughing about our hilarious coffee shop experience on your show and start talking about my life on your show as a mom blogger on Mama’s Losin’ It on your show at mamakatslosinit.com on your show and I…I mean…
What’s happening to me? What started off as a list of ideas of things we could do that did not involve being on your show, ultimately led to me being on your show! I feel terrible about this…what ARE my intentions?? I just…I feel like I’m living a lie. I really need to work some things out in my brain right now and I need a friend to help me through this.
Call me Ellen.
We need to talk about this.
Click here for my last 17 unanswered letters to Ellen Degeneres.