Dear Ellen Letter #18: Me And Ellen In A Coffee Shop

I think I know what the problem is here. I love being your pen pal, but I feel like there’s some kind of weird expectation where you feel if you start corresponding with me it means I’m going to ask you for help with our mortgage or something. Which would be SUPER cool, but I would never ask you to do something like that for me.

I have a feeling you think the only reason I’m even interested in pursuing this pen-palmanship is because you’re like this big star and have a talk show that could shoot me to super stardom for just…being…awesome.

I’m a realist Ellen.

I don’t know of anyone who has gotten famous without any true talent to back them up. Except for maybe the Taco Bell dog. And Paris Hilton. And Kim Kardashian. And all 12 of her siblings. But that’s not what I’m about.

Being famous is something that would go straight to my head. I would demand sliced cantaloupe in every room I set foot in. And I don’t even like cantaloupe. I would fly with a miniature poodle that I would dress in purple tutus. I’d leave my husband for John Mayer and than write a post about hating him for a song he wrote for me and his 3 other girlfriends.

I’d adopt 4 Haitian children, an orphanage of abandoned Chinese babies, and a Chilean miner. I’d forget all about my life as a doting wife and mother of three and I’d fall into an abyss of living that consists of nothing more than Oxycontin, alcohol, and TV appearances for being awesome. Eventually I’d lose custody of my Haitian children, my Chineses babies, and my Chilean miner and I’d wind up as some washed up nobody on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

Fame. Is. Not. For. Me.

What I want is a friend.

I want a friend in you, Ellen, and to prove I sincerely have no interest in being part of your fame, I’d like to include this list of things we could do that do not involve me starring on your show.

  1. We could meet up at your mansion and laugh at your wonderful pets while we drink coffee.
  2. We could hang out at the local coffee shop and laugh about the time you sent a guest to a coffee shop with an ear piece and some video cameras while you were on a microphone telling her what to say.
  3. You could tell me some funny things to say at the coffee shop and I would say them and we could laugh about that.
  4. We could put an ear piece in my ear and have you wait in the car with a microphone and tell me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
  5. We could put an ear piece in my ear and have you wait at your studio with a microphone and tell me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
  6. We could have cameras rolling on me in the coffee shop while you’re in your studio with more cameras rolling and a Live studio audience, telling me funny things to say in the coffee shop.
  7. You could have me on your show to talk about the funny things I said at the coffee shop after you finished telling me what to say.
  8. We could finish laughing about our hilarious coffee shop experience on your show and start talking about my life on your show as a mom blogger on Mama’s Losin’ It on your show at mamakatslosinit.com on your show and I…I mean…

Shoot.

What’s happening to me? What started off as a list of ideas of things we could do that did not involve being on your show, ultimately led to me being on your show! I feel terrible about this…what ARE my intentions?? I just…I feel like I’m living a lie. I really need to work some things out in my brain right now and I need a friend to help me through this.

Call me Ellen.

We need to talk about this.

Over coffee.

Love,

Mama Kat

Click here for my last 17 unanswered letters to Ellen Degeneres.

Comments

  1. trash says

    Hang in there honey, she must get lots of post. I am sure she will get to your letters one day and then? WOW! Look out! Ellen & Mama Kat rock the world ;-)

  2. says

    Dear Mama Kat,
    Why have I been away so long. Ellen does not know what she’s missing….or maybe she does…
    STALKER!!!
    (please note. This is how I express to you that you are my hero)

  3. says

    After reading this I don’t see how she could NOT want to befriend you and hang out. She would then have a friend by the name of Mama Kat, and not many people can say that.

  4. says

    Come on now, you ARE famous! At least to little ole’ me…I am super stoked to be featured on your writer’s workshop round up from last week. Giddy, in fact! Thanks!

  5. says

    Oh, darling…the new design is delicious! Makes me want to go bake red velvet cupcakes with extra frosting!

    Maybe if you brought a dancing dog dressed in purple tutus WITH you to the coffee shop, Ellen would be more apt to answer you back?

  6. says

    hahaha…i’ve never read one of your Dear Ellen letters before but as somebody who constantly puts up Open Letters on my blog, i applaud you. I’ve actually written Oprah, BlogHer and Bill Maher (not published yet). Hope it all works out for you.

    • says

      I was watching her videos last night while looking for this Starbucks in…Pat finally came in to see what I was laughing at! They just crack me up!

  7. says

    I can’t believe that Ellen hasn’t answered yet. Silly woman. And now (like others) I’m craving coffee… which I don’t actually like. Hmm…

  8. says

    LOVE the new top on your blog! And Ellen is terrible for not responding! I’ll bet if you starting writing to Conan O’Brien, he’d respond and get you on his show…
    Or get a restraining order on you…

  9. says

    NOW…you know I have nothing to feel guilty about. No one is pulling for this MORE THAN ME.

    I got your back on this one, mamakat, and I’m going to keep on pimping you.

    Sending pix of my fur cape and cane as we speak.

    GO TEAMELLEN (comprised of me and mamakat..but that’s ok)

  10. says

    One day, Ellen is going to realize what she’s been missing all this time. She’s going to feel SO bad that she’s going to do something GRAND to make up for it. I can see this blog turning into “Mama Kat & Ellen are Losing It!” Your.time.is.coming.!!
    Love the new look, WOW! Huge change and I don’t usually do change but this is Classy. With a C!!

  11. says

    So I started reading this post, and I was like “DAMN IT!! I totally should’ve thought of this idea”, as I’m sort of new over here, I didn’t know about the past 17 letters to Ellen.

    I totally think it’s going to work. Did you see what she did for the 12 year old kid who played lady Gaga on the piano?

    You’re next, my dear. You’re next.

  12. Andrea says

    Ok, so i am totally with you. Maybe I should write a letter to Ellen telling her why you should be on her show. But you had better be bringing me with you. I mean it. Don’t make me go all Brooklyn on yer behind, alright? ;)

  13. says

    I think Ellen secretly loves you back. She’s just playing hard to get, that silly girl. And Portia looks like she’s not above cutting a bish, so if I were you, I’d watch your back at that coffee shop!

  14. says

    Hi Mama Kat,

    Just found your blog… not sure how I got here, to be honest! I followed a load of links from Meet me on Monday. I think.

    Just signed up, loving your humour. Oh, and on your Scarred post – well, my eldest just started university 200 miles away – I honestly thought I’d never survive the pain!

    But I did!

  15. says

    Kat: I really think Portia is the issue here. Trust me, I have lesbian friends and they would not openly welcome a married woman wanting to suddenly be a friend and have coffee with their partner/wife. You might have to start dressing in drag to get her attention ;-)

  16. says

    Your letters to Ellen really crack me up. I’m over here giggling. Do you actually send these to Ellen or is this just for entertainment? Katharine

  17. says

    You are pretty freakin fabulous! We gotta figure out a way to get you on Ellen! That Starbucks clip is hysterical!