I have been dodging my kids for phone calls with friends and other important people for years now. The phone calls start in the kitchen, but rarely end there. The combination of the pitch of the phone ringing coupled with me being distracted from their every latest whim, sends my kids into terror mode and me running for safe cover.
When I pick up the phone the children are suddenly filled with a craving for Cheetos, and because I’m only half paying attention I will undoubtedly grab them Cheerios, which will undoubtedly send them into a panic, which will undoubtedly send me rushing from the room so as not to miss the very important story my friend is sharing about her basement flooding.
What’s worse is when it’s actually a semi-important phone call. If this is the case it would not be unusual at all for you to drive past my house and see me in sweats and slippers holding the door shut with an angry Kainoa determined to get it open from the other side while screaming “CHEETOS!!!”
I’ll maintain my composure, give you a pleasant wave and continue talking into the phone, “No problem at all, I can get that to you right away and I think it’s simply a fantastic idea!”.
And because many of us are in this together, I’d like to share some other tips that will help you escape your children during that ever important phone call:
Give the children playdough
This goes against Mom Code, but if the phone call is necessary than you may need to resign yourself to the fact that their will be playdough in every crevice of your home for the rest of the week and just hand the stuff over. If you do not have playdough in your home cookie dough will suffice.
Play Musical Rooms
Your kids can’t possibly disturb your phone call if they can’t keep up with you. Moving from one room to another…faking a left here, a pivot and dodge there, you’ll get your phone call in AND manage a workout.
Throw Skittles at your children…One At A Time
They will enjoy this fun game and will scurry away from you to recover the coveted candy. The children will sound happy and well taken care of and the person on the receiving end will think you are a fantastic mother while she deals with her own screaming child on the other end. (bouncing a Skittle off someone’s head = 50 points).
Mute is your friend.
Keep your phone on mute for the duration of your call. If the person on the receiving end asks you a question, quickly shout “DID YOU HEAR THAT!?!” The children will stop what they are doing just long enough for you to un-mute, respond, and re-mute your phone.
Emergency Evacuation
Should your child throw an unexpected tantrum in the middle of an important call, assure your caller that everything is juuuust fine while shoving the child out of your room and scurrying to that safe spot beneath your bed.
The Angry Wave/Head Shake Combo
Wave spastically at the air with furrowed brows while shaking your head vigorously. Pray the children sense the urgency in your angry movements and choose to back away. At the very least, they will stop and stare at the spectacle you’re making.
Preventive Action
Send your children to their rooms before your scheduled phone call. If they were playing nicely and ask why they are being sent away reply with the tried and true, “because I said so…and don’t come out until I tell you to!” When you’re finished with your call give them some Skittles and cookie dough for being such good sports.
And that should be it. Do share any additional survival techniques as I am always looking to expand and improve on my current methods. Here’s to happy phone calls and successful parenting!!!
Remember, I’m here to help!
Kate Collings says
Oh I know this situation only too well. I feel like Ive lost some friends since having Youngling as I cant talk to them as often or go out as much as I used to (which in all honesty I dont mind) but I do miss them. I do struggle when trying to write a blog, job search or general admin on my laptop. Youngling is always faffing about with it, often pressing buttons I didnt know were there. Any distraction ideas for that? Take care xx
trash says
Aaaah yes. I recall those days clearly. The joy of my two now being older is that a) they are capable of applying a field dressing themselves in situations of most dire emergency and b) a full-on Paddington stare can work wonders when the creature in front of you is actually rational and no longer an hysterical toddler/kindergartener.
I look forward to when my daughter is that bit older again and receiving ‘IMPORTANT’ phone calls from BFFs and boyfriends. I shall be exacting a most excellent revenge!
Karen and Gerard says
These are great tips! I’m sure it will be very helpful to parents.
Snuggle Wasteland says
I’ve given up talking on the phone in addition to sleeping soundly, eating hot meals, watching tv, and going to the bathroom in private. It’s pretty much like prison without the ghastly orange.
Snuggle Wasteland says
“ghastly orange outfits” – gah.
Wombat Central says
I remember as a kid mimicking my friend’s mom’s sour puss/furrowed brow/hand wave combo when she was on the phone. It was priceless.
Love your mute button idea. I like to employ mine to dole out some white trash threats to my kids while the caller is talking.
June Freaking Cleaver says
I used to go out onto the porch…until The Boy locked me out of the house. For two hours. In February – and me without a coat.
Mama Kat says
Oh my God, I bet you wanted to kill him!! Haha…funny now…looking back…no?
Deitra says
That happened to me too- Not planned, I had an unlocked car and the garage door opener in the car fortunately- and it was summer- All I could think of was my 2 year old in the house alone. For a while we would let him say goodbye to our company and close the door- until he started slamming the door on them, slamming interior doors, opening thefront door for anyone and then of course locking me out. He has a no door touching policy at the moment!
Gail says
You are hilarious. Yet how pathetic that all these things are true! LOL! Don’t know how many kids you have (b/c I just popped into your blog and haven’t looked around yet), but I have three…all born within 3 years and 3 months of each other. Yes, I am crazy. And tired. With no sign of improvement.
My tip…lock the bedroom door and then retreat to the closet and close that door, too. Double barrier helps with sounds of screaming. ;)
Mama Kat says
I have three kids…born within a 4 year period. Similar, but three years is freaking insane. I LOVE the double sound barrier tip!! Totally adding this to my bag of tricks!
Gail says
Yeah, well, I say God has a sense of humor. Surprise! I won’t go into details! ;) First two are 23 mo. apart, and baby #2 was 7 months when #3 entered the equation. I was preg. and/or nursing for like 5 years straight! Should I mention I had all three by 25 years old? People thought I was the nanny. It’s cool though. I’m the young, “cool” mom in all their classes…hubby’s a lot older, so works for me! They’re 9,7 and 6 now.
Oh…and we totally closed shop. Hallelujah.
Alisha says
This is perfect. I tend to tell my kids I have to poop and go into the bathroom to talk on the phone. It totally works … except when they yell through the door “Almost done pooping mommy?” lol
Jennifer says
While I don’t have any tips I do have a hilarious story to share. My senior manager at the time had four children all between the ages of about 5 and 10 (two were twins). He was working from home one day while “watching” them when we had to have a conference call. The youngest one comes in the room screaming “she took it and she didn’t even ask” over and over and over. Like he was completely inconsolable. I could tell my boss didn’t have a clue what to do about it and had to put everyone on hold while he dealt with the errant child. He came back to the call all flustered and out of breath, which was totally out of character for him, and to tons of laughter from everyone else on the phone. As soon as everyone calmed down I asked, “so… what did she take?”
Mama Kat says
You’re just going to leave us hanging like that?? What DID she take!?!
Jennifer says
Sorry. A bicycle helmet. The shell had popped off of hers and it was just white and ugly so took her brothers… without even asking. Which came through loud and clear over the conference call.
I still laugh when I think about it.
Katie @ Third Time's a Charm says
I have this problem….but with my dogs! It’s like the phone ringing is their signal to start barking their heads off. I employ something like the “wave your arms around” technique, but it also involves a lot of me snapping my fingers to get their attention. Who knows what that sounds like on the other end!
Pretty soon I’ll have a baby crying to add to the mix, so I’m sure my fun is just beginning!
Melody says
Oh wait, you were talking about your house? I thought you had been a fly on the wall at my place and were reporting on the state of my home at each and every phone call.
Melissa says
This is to great!! Everytime my phone rings it is like a timer goes off in my daughter… my friend asked me one time if she cries all the time b/c my daughter always cries when she calls… UGH!! Personally I like the skittles idea but I will have to wait until she is older : )
Jill of All Trades says
I hated it when the phone rang and the quiet children all of a sudden went nuts. One time the oldest (now 31) I heard her whisper to her little sister, “let’s go.” What did that mean! It meant lets go find something to tear up. EGADS. Remembering those days not fondly!
Sarah says
LMAO!! I love the mute button tip. I’m going to have to try that!
Angel says
2 words Duct tape.. it takes them about 20 minutes to chew through it to get loose from the kitchen chairs.. If you want to teach them to play nicely together you must teach them teamwork sooo duct tape their hands behind their backs and then they will be forced to work with a sibling to get loose.. if they have no siblings then a pet can learn a new trick ( only if you scent the tape with bacon first lol)
Just kidding of course I hope you know that
liz says
I’m not kidding when I say no less than 10 minutes ago i was hiding in our guest room because maddie was tantruming.
And I was on a conference call the other day and THOUGHT I was being quiet when I “whispered” to Kate to be quiet.
But I wasn’t.
And the call stopped.
All because of me.
Mrs. Jen B says
LOVE the dodge-and-weave method – avoidance and working out, multi-tasking at its finest!
Keagan says
I’ve been a lurker to this blog for a while and just had my own little one and am finding these posts all the more hysterical!
carina says
I have stopped taking all phone calls during my kids waking hours for this very reason, unless it’s my husband, and then I WANT him to hear the chaos, just so he feels guilty for being in his quiet office. Kidding, kidding (kind of).
Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation says
The minute I get on the phone, all hell breaks loose. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Thanks for these tips…clearly I need to start abiding by them!
Paige Morgan says
Loved this! I am also a huge fan of the double door lock. Go into my master bedroom, lock the door, then go into my master bathroom, lock the door again. It’s almost enough sound barriers for my house to sound perfectly normal!
Another great one is, “Oh my gosh, do you see that out there (pointing to the backyard), I think you missed an egg at Eatser!
Jessica @ ATL Mom GUide says
I am def a muter! I was conducting a phone interview the other day while my was screaming so loud it sounded like she was dying upstairs…mute button saved the day!
Paula/adhocmom says
It’s especially tough for me, because I live in Brooklyn in A 735 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT. There’s no escape here my friend. I have at times been tempted to tell my toddler to “go ride in the elevator” but that’s just asking for a visit from social services. I have used m & m’s to my advantage – but it might be time to bust out the skittles. . .
JustMom420zaks says
What?? No one else stands in the kitchen with the kids held (partially) at bay with the baby gate, punctuating your phone conversation with shouts of, “Leave your sister alone!” and “Can’t you guys see I’m ON THE PHONE???”
I don’t dare walk out of the house. I would totally get locked out. Probably right before someone called the police because my daughter was screaming at the closed door like someone was killing her.
I’ve tried just sitting on the couch, but then all you hear on the other line is a breathy, “Hi-Hi-Hi..” from her because she’s sitting on my lap trying to grab the phone out of my hands and invariably hanging up on you.
Lisa says
My tried and true? Returning/making calls from my cell on the way home. That is the only 30 minutes I have to myself and able to have a semi-good conversation.
BelovedAimee says
the absolute only place I can hide with the phone is in the pantry. eventually they figure out where I am but I just hand them snacks and tell them to go away. ;)
Tina says
I have this problem All.The.Time. Does not matter how quietly they are playing, or in what room, THE MINUTE I get on the phone all heck breaks lose and they MUST have my attention RIGHT NOW.
Shell says
Oh, the angry wave, head shake! I do that one all the time.
Along with locking myself in the master bathroom- b/c they have to get through 3 locked doors to get to me. They eventually do it, but it takes a while.
JDaniel4's Mom says
I have to keep JDaniel away from the phone cord. He has been known to unplug the phone.
Leslie Limon says
Ha ha ha! I LOL’d when I read about the angry hand wave/head shake combo. I do that all the time! And it never works. My kiddies think it means they can act up even more. :P
Serenity says
This always happens in our house…they seem to sense the importance of a phone call and right at that minute must run amuck..unfortunately when an important call happens leaving the room is not an option. The fun for us is it is usually the business line, in the office ringing from a client (who doesn’t know that our office is in a house). And even with the door locked and shut you can hear the screams and it never fails for them to start knocking (pounding) on the door. No amount of pre-snacks, cartoons, play dough, etc has helped. We keep trying though, I think our only hope is when all the kids will be in school…lol. I will say though, the mute button is definitely a wonderful friend to have :)
Melanie says
You are totally living my life! I laughed out loud because I did some of those things myself….just a few minutes ago!! Yay! I am NOT alone!
Renee - Bold Mom says
“quickly shout “DID YOU HEAR THAT” …that had me in stitches! Will definitely try that one!
Although about a year ago I made a resolution not to take important calls while home with the kids. No matter how important. During the incident last year I took the preventative approach: Baby in swing, Preschooler in front of TV and Dog in crate (just in case). I even checked on them twice. After the call I saw that Preschooler had opened the gas fireplace and was feeding lava rock pebbles to Baby and Dog. This resulted in a trip to the ER. Luckily baby hadn’t swallowed any. Good times.
Morgan Smith says
Love this post and pretty much your entire blog! I used to be The Princess Mommy Diaries, but just changed it to Mommalicious. I hope you will check it out and follow me back! :-) Thanks! Also, love your writer’s prompts! I try to participate each week!
Jenn says
OMG, I love the “Did you hear that” idea…since the angry wave and hide-and-seek are my two main attempts at holding a phone call.
When I was in the States, when we had actual garages to park your car in (and not sheds not large enough to hold microsized cars) I used to go sit in the minivan in the garage. My garage door had a safety knob attached, so my kids couldn’t open the door to chase me.
This also worked well for having a mommy time-out. I kept Season 2 of Sex in the City in there, and could pop out there and sit in back and watch an episode until I cooled down.
Kate says
Jenn, the Sex & The City idea is brilliant! I’m off to find an electrical outlet in the garage to hook up the TV!
BuenoBaby says
Why have you NOT written a parenting book yet!?
Also, I would give my oldest child a lollipop every time I answered the phone. Now when she hears a phone ring, she starts salivating. [Can I write the forward to your book?]
Christine says
I have so done all of those and more. I have locked myself in the bathroom and sat in a bathtub on a different floor from the kids. I have also put on a wildly inappropriate television show/movie that i have refused to let them watch ever. Oh well.
Kelly Deneen says
What about hide and seek? Can I send my child to hide while I am on the phone?? :)
Terri says
And here I thought it was just MY kids doing this…
Thanks for the laugh. I laughed until I had tears in my eyes, then read it out loud to my husband and laughed that hard a second time.
Ooooh, children. What would we go insane over were it not for you?
Jen says
I like the throwing candy at them. I will be doing this.
kisatrtle says
I find that paint of any kind always works well, but like the playdoh has a lot of unintended consequences.
Kate says
Oh man I could have used this manual today!
dysfunctional mom says
I love it, especially the last one because we all know that at some point they’ve done SOMETHING and not got caught, so that can be considered punishment for that unknown infraction.
Melanie says
Okay, so I ‘m rolling on the floor laughing. Really. Me, on the phone, while children are screaming in the background – the story of my life. I love the Skittles bit…except with my luck my boys will hover around me with their mouths opened wide to catch each Skittle I throw at them. Hey, but if that keeps them from screaming…
Love this! You better believe I’ll reference this the next time I have to make a phone call while the kiddos are around – like, tomorrow. Like I need all the help I can get. :-)).
Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 says
I love the idea of throwing the Skittles at them…like pigeons in a park!
Chaplain Donna says
LOL! I remember those days! My daughter is 17 now, but she reverts every now and again. She can get the high pitched “mom” going until she gets what she wants or is commissioned to her room. Great stuff!
Kristin Sidaway says
OMG!!! this is SO my life. I will have to remember the skittles next time. I love the way you put a comical spin on very annoying situations. Thanks for the laughs.
Grams says
One more suggestion. Take a roll of pennies, remove one penny and dump the other 99 on the floor or in the back yard if the weather is warm. Tell the kids they can’t stop looking until they find 100 pennies.
Tiny says
Oh I wish I’d had this list when mine were smaller! I do remember belting all the house, trying to outrun the little monsters. And I hissed a lot ! :-)
Jenny says
I all to often use the angry wave/head shake combo. Thanks for all the other tips. Off to the store for some skittles ;)
lori says
Hilarious! Throwing skittles at them – brilliant!
raine says
I’m going out to buy skittles Right. Now.
Courtney says
OMG, this is my life! You are hilarious – and I’m definitely going to pick up some skittles tomorrow. I really think it might work (and hopefully not kill the baby). :)
TornadoTwos says
Oh my goodness, what is it about kids and the phone? Especially when I’m on the phone with the doctor- I swear every time someone goes into a major screaming fit and I’m running through the house trying to find a room where I can get away from it. But the little buggers follow me! I’m surprised the pediatrician hasn’t sent someone over here to check up on my kids, lol.
Lindsay says
Sound advice from a true sage! These are all pieces of knowledge that only a mom could give.
Harter says
I LOVE the skittles thing! …so much that I might actually buy skittles just so I can make a phone call. I normally just lock myself in my room and pray that they don’t beat on the door… if and when they do, I use the mute button long enough to put them all on the couch with a movie until I’m done… :( phone calls are the WORST!
grammycats says
If it makes you mommys feel any better, it’s not just children who get bad when mom gets on the phone, parrots do it too! I think Skittle stock may break records after this post! I’m going to buy some today – for my parrots!