If your wife ever indicates that perhaps she has gained weight, or that maybe she’s looking “frumpy” or if God forbid she should ask you whether or not she looks heavier than normal…your answer must always be, “You’re smokin hot and I love you.”
Don’t let her trick you. She will think of new ways to get the truth out of you. Rather than coming right out with “Am I fat?”, she will ask you if she looks similar in shape to the woman walking past you. She will ask you if her jeans make her look fat. She will show you a picture of herself and ask you if it’s a true depiction of what she looks like. She will promise you she simply wants the truth so that she can better understand what it is she’s working with and she will coax you into the red zone.
Let me tell you what could happen should you enter the red zone by providing any answer other than, “you’re smokin hot and I love you”. Let’s pretend you actually answer one of your wife’s tricky questions with a thoughtful response like, “Oh come on honey, you’re only slightly bigger than the woman we just passed” or “what’s the big deal? I like a little meat on your bones” or something along those lines…
Your wife will gasp and say something like, “You think I’m Fat!?!”
You will scramble, “NO! NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID”
Your wife will ask you to elaborate, “Please clarify then because I just heard you call me fat.”
When your wife asks you to “elaborate”…you need to run. You need to buy her flowers…you need to cough up a lung…you need to do something…ANYTHING…but whatever you do, you must never. ever. “elaborate”.
Should you choose the path of “clarification” this is what will come next:
You will stutter, “That’s not what I mean…I just meant you’re larger right now then you were last year at this time, but I like it…I think large is pretty…you were too skinny back then…”
You will continue digging and digging and digging.
And your wife will start crying.
She didn’t even THINK she was larger this year, but now her own husband has turned against her and solidified her deepest fears. She is gigantic! And now she’s gigantic and pissed…because YOU…her husband, should be building her up at all costs and never ever be breaking her down.
Suddenly you are in trouble for simply doing what you were asked to do which was a.) to give her an honest opinion and b.) elaborate. I know it doesn’t seem fair. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Your wife will sink into a self pitying depression and will refuse to cook.
When you ask what’s for dinner she will snap wildly, “I DON’T KNOW I’M NOT EATING ANYMORE…I’m too busy trying to get AS SKINNY AS I WAS LAST YEAR.”
You will quietly creep backwards out of the kitchen and you will eat cereal every night for a week before she’s ready to consider speaking to you again.
You listen to me when I tell you this…the first words out of your mouth sure as hell better be, “you’re smokin hot and I love you.”
And then say it again. and again. and again…
And then buy her dinner.