Am I Fat? And Why You Should Never Answer That

Dear Man,

If your wife ever indicates that perhaps she has gained weight, or that maybe she’s looking “frumpy” or if God forbid she should ask you whether or not she looks heavier than normal…your answer must always be, “You’re smokin hot and I love you.”

Don’t let her trick you. She will think of new ways to get the truth out of you. Rather than coming right out with “Am I fat?”, she will ask you if she looks similar in shape to the woman walking past you. She will ask you if her jeans make her look fat. She will show you a picture of herself and ask you if it’s a true depiction of what she looks like. She will promise you she simply wants the truth so that she can better understand what it is she’s working with and she will coax you into the red zone.

Let me tell you what could happen should you enter the red zone by providing any answer other than, “you’re smokin hot and I love you”. Let’s pretend you actually answer one of your wife’s tricky questions with a thoughtful response like, “Oh come on honey, you’re only slightly bigger than the woman we just passed” or “what’s the big deal? I like a little meat on your bones” or something along those lines…

Your wife will gasp and say something like, “You think I’m Fat!?!”

You will scramble, “NO! NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID”

Your wife will ask you to elaborate, “Please clarify then because I just heard you call me fat.”

When your wife asks you to “elaborate”…you need to run. You need to buy her flowers…you need to cough up a lung…you need to do something…ANYTHING…but whatever you do, you must never. ever. “elaborate”.

Should you choose the path of “clarification” this is what will come next:

You will stutter, “That’s not what I mean…I just meant you’re larger right now then you were last year at this time, but I like it…I think large is pretty…you were too skinny back then…”

You will continue digging and digging and digging.

And your wife will start crying.

She didn’t even THINK she was larger this year, but now her own husband has turned against her and solidified her deepest fears. She is gigantic! And now she’s gigantic and pissed…because YOU…her husband, should be building her up at all costs and never ever be breaking her down.

Suddenly you are in trouble for simply doing what you were asked to do which was a.) to give her an honest opinion and b.) elaborate. I know it doesn’t seem fair. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.

Your wife will sink into a self pitying depression and will refuse to cook.

Pains caught me doing the dishes...only not.

When you ask what’s for dinner she will snap wildly, “I DON’T KNOW I’M NOT EATING ANYMORE…I’m too busy trying to get AS SKINNY AS I WAS LAST YEAR.”

You will quietly creep backwards out of the kitchen and you will eat cereal every night for a week before she’s ready to consider speaking to you again.

And Man?

You listen to me when I tell you this…the first words out of your mouth sure as hell better be, “you’re smokin hot and I love you.”

And then say it again. and again. and again…

And then buy her dinner.

She’s starving.

Warm Regards,

Woman

Comments

  1. says

    I can’t tell you how many times the huansand has been in the doghouse by answering that question with the wrong answer. He’s unfortunately too honest. He’s slowly learning, though. I think. Hmmm, maybe it’s time to check.

  2. says

    Hahaha!! Great post! You should put this up everywhere where as many men as possible can read it! (But the Woman will probably have to read it to them, most men are too lazy to read)

  3. says

    This was too funny. Guys just don’t get that sometimes we want reassurance, not the ahem truth, or facts. And sometimes we need to Just Vent, without them telling us how to fix the problem.

  4. says

    Guys will never get this. Ever. At 42, my husband is still clueless. Thank goodness one day we will be too deaf to care.

  5. says

    OK… SO good to know that this is a male characteristic that other men have too! How is this something men don’t learn growing up with a Mom?!? OK, now I am on a mission to teach my 2 little guys this specific lesson… Good thing my oldest is a girl! They can practice on her – although I think I will change: “You’re smokin hot and I love you.” to a simple: “You look beautiful.” ;) Great post!

  6. says

    I could post one of these on what not to say at the pool. Dear man, saying that a lot of men have larger breasts than your wife is disturbing and hurtful…

  7. says

    Sing it Sister. I once asked my long-term boyfriend in college if it seemed like I had gained any weight. His answer: “Well, yes. I can notice it in your back the most.” Since that long ago day I have had an obsession about alleviating any possible back fat.

    And yes, I dumped him.

    men must learn.

    Cheers.
    VB

  8. says

    Exactly.

    And have I told you lately that you’re smokin’ hot. Even though I’m not a man. And we’re not married. Because you totally are. Smokin’ hot.

  9. says

    Yeah, you hit it! I’m always asking this question to my hubby and ended up hurt with his answers. That was before but not now b/c I know I’m really fat and if he says I’m not then he’s lying! Nice post! :)

  10. says

    This is what my inner ego would like to do in a situation like this, but I’d probably just fume to myself for days until my hubby finally asked what was eating at me. And then I’d explode! I think a lot of moms today will sing your praises for showing us the way :)

  11. says

    I am sending this to my husband. Last week I told my husband I was feeling puffy to which he replied “then workout”. Oh no he didn’t. I am pretty sure he saw el diablo come out of me when that happened. I told him never ever say that and then educated him on what to say. Good thing he is cute that’s all I’m saying.

  12. says

    I’m just gonna copy and paste this, print it out and stick it on the refrigerator as easy reference for my husband. Thanks Mama Kat, for the service you have just done us women.

  13. says

    This had me laughing out loud so hard that my kids came into the room to tell me to be quiet because they were sleeping.

    AWESOMENESS in a blog post.

  14. says

    We’ve established a don’t ask don’t tell method in our house. As soon as I mutter “Does this…”, he gives me the Talk-To-The Hand gesture or tries to mute me with an imaginary remote. It’s better this way, I am sure of it :)

  15. Maxwell says

    Sooo, let me get this straight:

    women want men to avoid questions and tell them ONLY what they want to hear?

    Just hire a lawyer if you want someone to lie to you.

  16. Lex says

    Awesome post! My husband hasn’t ever disappointed me in this sense. When he answers me (if ever I’m brave enough to ask), he always gives me the “smokin’ hot” line. He didn’t even need training! I absolutely believe he means it. ;)

  17. says

    Amen sister. Mine came trained and is clever enough not to engage in this type of conversations. But my son randomly shoots comments like “mama, daddy is only a little bigger then you”. You think he is being trained by his father?

  18. says

    Yes. Yes. Yes.

    I’m going to post this on my husband’s Facebook wall. I’m going to tweet it to him. I’m going to email it to him as well. I’m even going to read this post aloud while recording it, just so I can play it back to him in his sleep.

    Maybe then it’ll sink in.

  19. says

    I wondered what the perfect phraseology was. Now I know. Now I shall go practice, but I really don’t have to practice because my wife is smokin’ hot and I love the heck out of her.

  20. says

    I learned after my son was born to let my husband know exactly what was on my mind. Usually, when I was asking if I looked good, it was because I really wanted to know someone thought I looked good, because I didn’t.
    And I do look better with a little meat on my bones.

  21. Rachael says

    I would kill to hear “you’re smokin’ hot, I love you!” When I bait my husband he just ignores me or randomly leaves the room. I’m forwarding this link…Hey husband follow the above instructions and you will get laid. @blushdaily

  22. says

    Haha!
    I’m trying to figure out how to get around the fact that my dear hubby doesn’t read…not that he’s illiterate mind you, he just doesn’t prefer to read. This however, is something all men should read and allow to soak in…hmm there’s a thought!? What if I print it and put it under his pillow…

  23. Tim says

    And just to clarify: this response is only appropriate to your SPOUSE or SIGNIFICANT OTHER. This response is not appropriate to anyone else.

    Signed,

    A dude who got this forwarded by his wife.

    P.S. Honey, if you’re reading this you’re smokin’ hot and I love you!

  24. shines says

    best part: “then buy her dinner… she’s starving.”

    PS don’t forget dessert.

  25. says

    One of the things I love the most about Mr.4444 is how smart he is; he ALWAYS tells me I look hot (and convincingly, too!) :)

  26. says

    I’ve been around a while, and have garnered some wisdom over the years. That wisdom has come from many, many painful lessons. I’m not a smart man, but I am a wise one. I once wrote a book for men on how to have a successful and happy relationship with a woman. It consisted of 1 page containing 3 lines:

    Honey, this tastes great. Honey, you look fantastic. Honey, you were right.

    I’m still looking for a publisher.

  27. bigdumbanimal says

    Shame on this ballbuster question. I just always say “You Betcha!” My wife thinks it’s funny.

  28. Mike W. says

    I love how women who ask this question are training their husbands to be dishonest. There are a lot of women who respect a man who is honest and do not ask questions that force him to lie. A woman who asks this question already knows the answer (unless she is a complete imbecile who has lost connection with reality, or is in need of mental care, like those suffering from bulimia or anorexia, etc.), and she is looking for affirmation from her husband that she is still attractive to him. As such, she should ask it in a way that allows him to be honest: “Do you think I’m pretty?” or “Am I still attractive to you?”

    Any other phrasing of that question is unfair to both him and her. Now, I have a question for you ladies who do ask this question and think this is perfectly OK. If you husband does not find you attractive anymore because you have not taken care of your health, should he tell you the truth, perhaps offering the opportunity for you both to work on improving your health, or should he continue to lie to you so he can avoid conflict (a common complaint against men)?

    Whether you realize it or not (and I think you do), you women train us into being the men you want us to be. I hope you’re careful in what you choose to teach us. If you want an honest man, then help us to be honest. If you want someone who avoids conflict by telling you what you want to hear and building up resentment toward you because he has to stifle his own feelings and thoughts, then ask questions that he cannot possibly answer truthfully without getting a slap on the wrist. It’s like math, really.

    • says

      You sound upset Mike. The answer is yes, I would prefer my husband to be dishonest and continue lying. If I ask him if I look fat, I’d really prefer he just rave about my beauty. If he cheats on me, I don’t want to know. I’m still happily marriage so I’d say my training has gone splendidly!

      • Mike W. says

        Not really upset, just baffled. I’m happily married, and my wife and I have had this discussion many times. Neither of us can understand the impulse for a rational adult to fish for confirmations of what is plainly already known to both of them.

        Interestingly, when this same scenario is flipped on its head, many of those same women have no problem telling their husbands to get off the couch and get some exercise. Either that, or hold it in, lie to him with reassurances that she still finds him attractive, and then has difficulty in bed because his spare tire makes her sick.

        My love for my wife goes beyond her looks, and looking for superficial reassurances just reinforces the gendered stereotype of photoshopped women being the ideal, and pandering to those types of questions puts both the men and women involved a complicit role in that asinine culture.

        A better solution is to be honest with each other. In fact, I suspect that these same women are perfectly honest with their husbands about the same matter (a matter just as destructive to a husband’s ego as it is to a wife’s). A personal marriage environment in the home, built on even “innocent” lies, is a more destructive precedent, where one’s home is not even safe.

        A home is a refuge where your flaws are not hidden, but clearly seen by the one you love, and accepted anyway. That way, you can feel safe and secure with the knowledge that the one you love knows everything about you and loves you anyway, and that you can trust them. This may even possibly lead to the realization that one or both of you needs help in the area you are deficient (e.g. eating healthy food or getting exercise).

        In other words, trust should be the foundation of a healthy relationship, not flattery and ego-petting. Only a foundation of trust can survive the ravages of growing old (and ugly, sorry to say). Flattery will only last as long as the lie can be sustained–and none can for very long.

  29. Mike W. says

    Sorry. I should add that I do sound a bit hostile, and I don’t mean to. I don’t want to raise anyone’s blood-pressure this morning and bring more unnecessary stress into this already stressful planet of ours. I do get impassioned about my views. Thanks for the great discussion.