Dear Man,
If your wife ever indicates that perhaps she has gained weight, or that maybe she’s looking “frumpy” or if God forbid she should ask you whether or not she looks heavier than normal…your answer must always be, “You’re smokin hot and I love you.”
Don’t let her trick you. She will think of new ways to get the truth out of you. Rather than coming right out with “Am I fat?”, she will ask you if she looks similar in shape to the woman walking past you. She will ask you if her jeans make her look fat. She will show you a picture of herself and ask you if it’s a true depiction of what she looks like. She will promise you she simply wants the truth so that she can better understand what it is she’s working with and she will coax you into the red zone.
Let me tell you what could happen should you enter the red zone by providing any answer other than, “you’re smokin hot and I love you”. Let’s pretend you actually answer one of your wife’s tricky questions with a thoughtful response like, “Oh come on honey, you’re only slightly bigger than the woman we just passed” or “what’s the big deal? I like a little meat on your bones” or something along those lines…
Your wife will gasp and say something like, “You think I’m Fat!?!”
You will scramble, “NO! NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID”
Your wife will ask you to elaborate, “Please clarify then because I just heard you call me fat.”
When your wife asks you to “elaborate”…you need to run. You need to buy her flowers…you need to cough up a lung…you need to do something…ANYTHING…but whatever you do, you must never. ever. “elaborate”.
Should you choose the path of “clarification” this is what will come next:
You will stutter, “That’s not what I mean…I just meant you’re larger right now then you were last year at this time, but I like it…I think large is pretty…you were too skinny back then…”
You will continue digging and digging and digging.
And your wife will start crying.
She didn’t even THINK she was larger this year, but now her own husband has turned against her and solidified her deepest fears. She is gigantic! And now she’s gigantic and pissed…because YOU…her husband, should be building her up at all costs and never ever be breaking her down.
Suddenly you are in trouble for simply doing what you were asked to do which was a.) to give her an honest opinion and b.) elaborate. I know it doesn’t seem fair. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Your wife will sink into a self pitying depression and will refuse to cook.
When you ask what’s for dinner she will snap wildly, “I DON’T KNOW I’M NOT EATING ANYMORE…I’m too busy trying to get AS SKINNY AS I WAS LAST YEAR.”
You will quietly creep backwards out of the kitchen and you will eat cereal every night for a week before she’s ready to consider speaking to you again.
And Man?
You listen to me when I tell you this…the first words out of your mouth sure as hell better be, “you’re smokin hot and I love you.”
And then say it again. and again. and again…
And then buy her dinner.
She’s starving.
Warm Regards,
Woman
{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
yes. i love this.
I can’t tell you how many times the huansand has been in the doghouse by answering that question with the wrong answer. He’s unfortunately too honest. He’s slowly learning, though. I think. Hmmm, maybe it’s time to check.
Oops. I’m sorry, that’s the husband. My Android’s keyboard isn’t cooperating.
Hahaha!! Great post! You should put this up everywhere where as many men as possible can read it! (But the Woman will probably have to read it to them, most men are too lazy to read)
I LOVE THIS POST!
I’m totally sending this to all my married friends!
This was too funny. Guys just don’t get that sometimes we want reassurance, not the ahem truth, or facts. And sometimes we need to Just Vent, without them telling us how to fix the problem.
Guys will never get this. Ever. At 42, my husband is still clueless. Thank goodness one day we will be too deaf to care.
No matter how many times it happens – they never seem to learn. Or, at least, mine doesn’t.
OK… SO good to know that this is a male characteristic that other men have too! How is this something men don’t learn growing up with a Mom?!? OK, now I am on a mission to teach my 2 little guys this specific lesson… Good thing my oldest is a girl! They can practice on her – although I think I will change: “You’re smokin hot and I love you.” to a simple: “You look beautiful.” ;) Great post!
I could post one of these on what not to say at the pool. Dear man, saying that a lot of men have larger breasts than your wife is disturbing and hurtful…
I have learned not to ask. He doesn’t always pick up on the fact I am looking for a certain answer.
Sing it Sister. I once asked my long-term boyfriend in college if it seemed like I had gained any weight. His answer: “Well, yes. I can notice it in your back the most.” Since that long ago day I have had an obsession about alleviating any possible back fat.
And yes, I dumped him.
men must learn.
Cheers.
VB
God, this is so true. And you are absolutely hilarious!
I sure hope you got some diamonds after that.
Exactly.
And have I told you lately that you’re smokin’ hot. Even though I’m not a man. And we’re not married. Because you totally are. Smokin’ hot.
Yeah, you hit it! I’m always asking this question to my hubby and ended up hurt with his answers. That was before but not now b/c I know I’m really fat and if he says I’m not then he’s lying! Nice post! :)
This is what my inner ego would like to do in a situation like this, but I’d probably just fume to myself for days until my hubby finally asked what was eating at me. And then I’d explode! I think a lot of moms today will sing your praises for showing us the way :)
I’m SO gonna print this and tape it to my husband’s face while he’s sleeping.
I am sending this to my husband. Last week I told my husband I was feeling puffy to which he replied “then workout”. Oh no he didn’t. I am pretty sure he saw el diablo come out of me when that happened. I told him never ever say that and then educated him on what to say. Good thing he is cute that’s all I’m saying.
I’m just gonna copy and paste this, print it out and stick it on the refrigerator as easy reference for my husband. Thanks Mama Kat, for the service you have just done us women.
This had me laughing out loud so hard that my kids came into the room to tell me to be quiet because they were sleeping.
AWESOMENESS in a blog post.
Hahaha!!! LOVE THIS! So true. Luckily my husband has already learned the correct response. :)
We’ve established a don’t ask don’t tell method in our house. As soon as I mutter “Does this…”, he gives me the Talk-To-The Hand gesture or tries to mute me with an imaginary remote. It’s better this way, I am sure of it :)
Everyone should have that rule!
I’m forwarding this on to my man.
Sooo, let me get this straight:
women want men to avoid questions and tell them ONLY what they want to hear?
Just hire a lawyer if you want someone to lie to you.
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
I’m definitely sharing this!
hells yes!
Awesome post! My husband hasn’t ever disappointed me in this sense. When he answers me (if ever I’m brave enough to ask), he always gives me the “smokin’ hot” line. He didn’t even need training! I absolutely believe he means it. ;)
Amen sister. Mine came trained and is clever enough not to engage in this type of conversations. But my son randomly shoots comments like “mama, daddy is only a little bigger then you”. You think he is being trained by his father?
PEARLS of wisdom are dripping from your computer, oh wise one!
Oy. Yep. We’ve all been there. Every man needs to read this. Thank you.
Yes, this. EXACTLY this.
Truth. You speak truth.
(now I have to email this to my husband. ahem.)
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I’m going to post this on my husband’s Facebook wall. I’m going to tweet it to him. I’m going to email it to him as well. I’m even going to read this post aloud while recording it, just so I can play it back to him in his sleep.
Maybe then it’ll sink in.
This is great! And never ever say…how much do you weigh? Because she will never tell you!
I wondered what the perfect phraseology was. Now I know. Now I shall go practice, but I really don’t have to practice because my wife is smokin’ hot and I love the heck out of her.
I learned after my son was born to let my husband know exactly what was on my mind. Usually, when I was asking if I looked good, it was because I really wanted to know someone thought I looked good, because I didn’t.
And I do look better with a little meat on my bones.
Probably the most important advice in the world..wonder if they’re listening?
I would kill to hear “you’re smokin’ hot, I love you!” When I bait my husband he just ignores me or randomly leaves the room. I’m forwarding this link…Hey husband follow the above instructions and you will get laid. @blushdaily
It’s so true about the tricking him to say it…..it’s like we want them to say it!!
Sending this to my husband now!
Hilarious!!! And will they EVER get it? Sending my husband this link (from across the house) now. ;)
Haha!
I’m trying to figure out how to get around the fact that my dear hubby doesn’t read…not that he’s illiterate mind you, he just doesn’t prefer to read. This however, is something all men should read and allow to soak in…hmm there’s a thought!? What if I print it and put it under his pillow…
So well said. Amen sister. :)
Thanks! And I love your writing prompts and can’t wait to join in the fun!
When I was dating this one guy he couldn’t for the love of himself ever answer the question and not piss me off.
I sent this to my husband so he could add it to the “marriage handbook.” So funny and yet so true!
LOL- it takes a long time to housebreak a new husband:)
Great advice.
And just to clarify: this response is only appropriate to your SPOUSE or SIGNIFICANT OTHER. This response is not appropriate to anyone else.
Signed,
A dude who got this forwarded by his wife.
P.S. Honey, if you’re reading this you’re smokin’ hot and I love you!
This is awesome! :)
best part: “then buy her dinner… she’s starving.”
PS don’t forget dessert.
One of the things I love the most about Mr.4444 is how smart he is; he ALWAYS tells me I look hot (and convincingly, too!) :)
I’ve been around a while, and have garnered some wisdom over the years. That wisdom has come from many, many painful lessons. I’m not a smart man, but I am a wise one. I once wrote a book for men on how to have a successful and happy relationship with a woman. It consisted of 1 page containing 3 lines:
Honey, this tastes great. Honey, you look fantastic. Honey, you were right.
I’m still looking for a publisher.
Bull. Shit.
And, Matty. You sound seriously whipped, “bro.”
Shame on this ballbuster question. I just always say “You Betcha!” My wife thinks it’s funny.
I really enjoyed this- so funny! And I’m glad to know I am not alone. Our poor husbands!