Last week I poked fun at the idea that us moms ignore our responsibilities to spend the entire day online. Obviously this is not the case for most of us, but the accusation that many of us are spending too much time online is a real one. Many of us wonder what we can do to find the balance between all the things vying for our immediate attention.
My question is this, why do we feel like we need to do it all?
The truth is women have been ignoring their children for centuries. You didn’t see Ma leaving the log cabin to join Laura and Mary for a game of kickball. There was butter to be churned dammit. Carol Brady’s kids ran amuck and certainly you didn’t see the likes of Roseanne, Peg Bundy, Claire Huxtable, Marge Simpson, or even June Cleaver building blocks with their kids.
The wife and mom of the 2000’s is faced with some interesting problems. Not only do we feel some pressure to make money, keep a perfect house, raise perfect kids, be perfect wives, pay the bills, and squeeze in that “me time” we hear so much about…but we’re also faced with a barrage of studies and statistics that leave us feeling guilty about the kind of parenting we ARE doing.
Thanks to the media and a world filled with perverts we’re now hyper aware of any and every child abducted from their homes. We can no longer send our kids to wander the neighborhood with friends sans parents. I won’t even allow my child to retrieve mail from our mailbox unassisted.
So the children stay home.
But BEWARE MOTHERS! Kids who watch too much TV will develop ADD, video games cause cancer, high frutcose corn syrup is the devil, and bath time is death waiting to happen!! Many of us have turned into “helicopter” parents who simply cannot relax and let our kids explore lest they get hurt and we be judged for not paying attention to their every God forsaken move.
For years mothers have been shooing kids, “Go play, go outside, go to your room, go clean up, go wash up, go ask your Dad…go go go”. Whether it be making money, cleaning house, cooking meals, paying bills, checking email, or churning butter dammit we’re not always interested in building blocks. And while the stay at home moms of yesterday were accused of eating Bon Bons and watching Soap Operas all day, the stay at home moms of today are accused of spending too much time online.
Same accusation, new hobby. Nothing has changed.
When we do lose ourselves in our commitment to serve our kids and husband, eyebrows are raised. Where is your me time? What do you do to make yourself happy? You’re losing sight of who you are! And yet, when we insist on the Me Time we’re seen as selfish or lazy. I’ve never heard what the right answer is to finding the balance and raising kids correctly, but there sure seem to be a lot of wrong ones.
My house is not immaculate. I don’t cook dinner every night. Sometimes I forget to pay a bill on time. I often set kids up with coloring books and slip over to the computer to check my email. I tell them to “go play”…a lot. I take care of whatever chore is screaming in my head the loudest.
But there’s one thing you can be sure of…if you were to walk into our home you would hear a whole lot of laughter. You might trip on a few shoes…but you would hear laughter.
Forget balance, that’s how I know I’m doing a good job.
jane@flightplatformliving says
well said! xxxxx
witchycrazymommy says
so true! people always have something up their tushies. when i was a working mom, i was accused of being a bad mother by another working mom, because i opted to go to on an overnight office retreat. when i resigned i was accused of giving up and not being able to cut it. forget her! i don’t care, my family is happy and although i am not “perfect”, i’m much, much prettier than her. hahahaha!
*my kid is currently holding a scissor and spreading paper bits everywhere, but no i’m not spending too much time online ;-)
Jessica says
Laughter is always good to hear.
natalie says
my mom didn’t spend a lot of time playing with me when i was a kid. it wasn’t until i was a lot older did she ever admit to me about how sometimes she felt bad about it. truth is, i liked playing by myself, and i didn’t ever expect my mom to play with me. i know she loved me, and she did spend time with me when I was growing up, but it wasn’t play time that we had together. i don’t really feel like i missed out on anything because my mom didn’t get down on her knees and play barbies with me. not all mom’s are cut out to do that and not all kids want it.
and besides, a house full of laughter – what could be better? i mean really.
trash says
Witness!
I have always said that my job as a mother is to ensure my children can say ‘No’ to a group, everything else is gravy. Hopefully this is done with laughter, hugs, discipline, play and only the occasional minor emotional breakdown.
Stasha says
We all balance things differently. Women fought for equality and independence for so long only to spend it judging other women. Your kids are happy, my son is happy. Even our dogs are happy. That’s what counts.
June Freaking Cleaver says
Being a mother is a job fraught with judgments and guilt. We can never “do” enough; we are lacking.
Our parents did not play with us, they were not our friends. But now, moms are supposed to nurture and play and micro-manage their kids’ lives, all while maintaining an immaculate home, a complete library of scrapbooks detailing each child’s every achievement and a bikini-ready figure.
Most moms still work outside the home because they “have to” – whether it be a financial need, or in an effort to use their talents and have adult conversation.
If your child happens to have difficulties, or gets physically injured/sick, moms are blamed for negligence (although sometimes, it is we who are judging in our heads).
There really needs to be a new category of parenting – “good enough”. If your children are well, and happy, and learn how to play independently as well as maneuver in the outside world without extreme difficulty – you have done your job.
We really need to kick guilt’s ass our of our heads and our homes, and quit comparing ourselves to the imaginary mom who “does it all”.
Karen and Gerard says
I like this! Laughter–the sign of success! Now I see what a “helicopter” parent is. It was mentioned in the book, “Night Road” by Kristin Hannah and I didn’t know what it was.
SaucyB says
oh this so needed to be said – well done. My mom was a SAHM until I was about 13 and I was an only child. And like you said, I don’t remember doing a tremendous amount of playing together. Sure, sometimes, but I played with the other kids in the neighborhood and had a hell of an imagination and played on my own.
It’s so funny that now, when I work outside the home and have to cram food shopping and all the household chores into the weekend, I feel guilty if I haven’t played enough with my son. He’s certainly happy and we absolutely spend time together, but it’s not necessarily play time. And you know what, now I think that’s ok.
mominrome says
BALANCE?!
What does that mean anyway !?
Kate F. says
Indeed well said! Balance? What is balance. For every mom it is different… I love that you showed how the same thing has been going on for decades… just in different ways. Wonderful post!
thepsychobabble says
balance is (slightly) over-rated:)
Sarahviz says
Yup. Perfectly said.
Loukia says
I need to be spending time with my kid when I’m not at work. That’s why my house isn’t the most perfectly neat and tidy house on the block!
Alison@Mama Wants This says
Well said, Kat, well said. Thank you.
Jen says
I have many thoughts on this but I think that I am going to save them for my own post.
Thanks for the inspiration.
Paula Kiger says
Amen.
jo@blog-diggidy says
you hit the nail right on the head with this one chica!!! well said!! and i have to agree that it’s a different kinda world we live in today…i remember my “mom” letting us run to the corner gas station to buy milk and bread, when i was NINE!!! you couldn’t do that today, not at that age!!
BalancingMama (Julie) says
Amen! If balance existed, I’d be “BalancedMama”. But instead, I will always be “balancing”… always trying… and likely always failing.
Jennifer says
Thank you so much for posting this! I get so annoyed with the “helicopter mommies” that consistently tell me I’m a bad parent b/c I let my kids watch TV while I clean or b/c I let my kids play in my backyard w/o adult supervision. My kids are safe, happy, and (for the most part) well-balanced. And each and every one of them love to hug me and say “I love you mama!” – Yeah . . . I’m doin’ okay.
Trish says
So true! I like to remind people that if mama ain’t no happy, no one is happy. If that means handing the two year old a sheet of stickers and piece of construction paper so I can go online for 20 minutes, so be it.
p.s. I’m also teaching her how to make the perfect dirty vodka martini
Kir says
I have to tell you that I have 3 drafts of a post about this in my blog stuff, because I just didn’t know how to ask (since I work full time and wanted to know how all of you GOT IT DONE all day and how much time you REALLY TRULY spent online?)
I can’t tell you how much it means to me to be able to read this and know , also to look at it from the perspective that moms have been telling their children ‘To go play” for centuries! It’s made so much sense when you wrote that.
I am printing and keeping this, if you don’t mind. It’s given me a lot of answers. THANK YOU.
Jennie says
THANK YOU for this post! AMEN! I struggle with this daily, as most of us do. We just can’t win. :)
Cari says
Exactly!!! And I fear, it is us Moms who put that pressure “to be everything” on ourselves. We all need to let go sometimes, take a breather, and just sit with ourselves. Finding a small moment or two that makes us happy throughout the day, will lead to more children not being left at grocery stores:)
Um, and why aren’t you running for President? Yeah, you could squeeze it in, just sayin’.
Amy says
In the waldorf world (please don’t roll your eyes) they call this “benign neglect”. I am just coming out of a pretty bad guilt-induced period of angst that had everyone in my house miserable because I was trying so hard to make sure we were all really f*@!ing happy. We are all miraculously happier now that I’ve started spending more time online connecting with other moms. I think I may have to write about this too.
Sarah says
Well said! I think it’s important for children to learn to navigate something on their own. Whether that’s the mailbox, entertaining yourself, or picking up your own room, it’s all good!
On the flip side, we need to give ourselves a break, as parents. You cannot do it all. No one does it all. It’s silly to even think it can be done. Sheesh. Enjoy life instead!
Via says
Oh the humanity!!!
And so very true.
Jennifer says
Amen sister. I would much rather my kids be happy than my laundry put away. And I’ve got a couple of REALLY happy kids, if you know what I mean.
Jenn Fox says
Ah, you are sooooo right. It is a total “damned if we do, damned if we don’t” cycle!
Nicole, the queen of this life says
*high five*
Hells yeah! I have been a mom since I was 19, and a single mom since I was 21. That means I’ve been a mother my entire adult life. I’m tired some days. I’m energetic others. I have to do it all. I don’t complain about it but I do ask to not be judged. So, thank you for this post!
Lady Goo Goo Gaga says
Hear Hear!! I think – the problem is that our generation was raised by women in the 70’s and they were very excited to tell us that WE COULD DO IT ALL AND BE ANYTHING WE WANTED TO BE WHEN WE GREW UP!!!!!! I know I kind of took that to heart – and really try to do it……sigh
Cinnamon says
If mothers would just get over one fact, every one of us would be a lot happier. We give our children life. But it doesn’t have to be OUR life.
I couldn’t agree more with this blog. That kind of stuff infuriates me to no end. We are accused of not doing enough, not being enough, not sharing enough. And at the end of the day, we’re berated because there is nothing left? And yet, in the midst of all this guilt that society tries to heap on us….where are the Dads? They’ve never had to pick up any more roles when it came to the children. All they have to do is “make a living”. Sure, they are encouraged to spend time with their children. But all they have to say is “I just don’t have the time, I’m busy trying to “make a living” for my family”. Nice.
Guess I shouldn’t have gotten started on this…LOL But it reminds me too much of another thing that goes on. Men get to retire from their jobs. But women never do. As long as someone has to keep house, cook, and still try to look good hanging on the old man’s arm…there’s no rest for the women. Ever.
Ann says
Mt theory? If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll never be able to take care of others…
Jeni says
This was amazing! It’s always nice to hear what you are thinking but don’t know how to put into words and a relief to know you aren’t the only one thinking it.. Well said!!!
Barb @ A Life in Balance says
I’ve been working on a post about this. I wonder if the end of the school year and the anticipation of having our kids home full time for the summer is bringing up some anxiety for moms. Truth is – the kids are perfectly fine if they amuse themselves. Yes, we can do some fieldtrips, and they can help me with the chores. I think you’re right about the end result – if there’s laughter, then things are fine. If there’s yelling, screaming, and crying, then whatever is going on is simply not working.
hillary says
AMEN amen and AMEN! I love this! You are so right. Thank you for posting this. I have been wearing much guilt lately for the amount of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse that now permeates my home. It’s my go-to activity when it rains, when I’m feeling sick (which is a lot lately), and especially when I’m just going nuts and need to read Mama’s Losin It :) Thanks for always saying what we want to say!
Caroline says
I think you’ve hit the nail on the proverbial head. Laughter is super important. And, I sure do see lots of it when I watch your vlogs!
Judy says
Balance comes when we are at peace with who we are and content with what we have. That doesn’t change in busy times of life…i.e. children enter the scene. When I have tried to “do it all and have it all” inevitably I lose who I am in the chaos of busyness. Then, when contentment returns, amazingly, so does balance. Laughter brings you peace and contentment, so at those moments, your life is in balance.
Kenna Ray says
My mother-in-law once told me that you don’t have to be there for everything, you just have to be there for the things that count. This still is the best advice I’ve received about parenting. You’re so right that, today, we have so many pressures that it’s impossible to do it all. Instead, we need to determine what’s important. The house can wait. Dinners don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to play with your kids ever second. You just need to be there when it matters most to them.
Crystal says
Love this one! Very well said and so true!
tracy says
Very true. I have never watched a soap opera since becoming a mom. I’ve not even watched Oprah. And now she’s off the air. hhmmm.
Jessica S says
Thank you. What a refreshing perspective on the Balance issue. I try (like we all do) and most of the time, I feel like I’m doing pretty well. They I remember the nagging I get from the kids to play, and how I don’t like stopping my routine to play ponies and I feel bad.
I think it’s so much about priorities and those will vary from one mom to the next. One might put a high value on homecooked, organic meals while the next feels strongly about the benefits of sports. No right, one size fits all anwser.
Brandi. says
Hey! I still eat bon bons and watch soap operas. And you can’t forget all that wine!!
At least, that’s what my husband believes…
Kisatrtle says
Laughter is a good sign…
Aunt Crazy says
Well said! I have a cousin who recently told me that even though he hasn’t been a part of our daily lives (I’ve seen him once in 10 years maybe), that he knows I’m a good mother because my kids laugh. And you know what, I believed him when he said it and I believe it now. My kids are funny and they laugh and their parents laugh with them sometimes. Moms need to give ourselves a break and laugh with our kids more and listen to our kids laugh and KNOW, just KNOW that we are doing what we need to do and that is good!!! We do not have to be perfect and we do not have to be everything to everyone. We have to be the best mom we can be. I often say that every day I fail as a mother and every day I succeed as a mother. When I got to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, how can I make that failure better and how can I make that success better, but every day, I see my kids and I know they are ok, and I’m ok, and WE ARE OK!!!
Momma says
WOW!!!! You took the words right out of my mouth!!! Awesome!
Jenny says
Amen to that.
LB says
I love this post!!!
I remember when I was a kid, my mom Sent us outside for the day shortly after breakfast. She would put 3 plastic cups outside by the faucet for when my siblings and me got thirsty. She’d call us for lunch to be eaten outside on our picnic table, and then we were expected home before the street lights came on. You would not believe the shit we got into back then. And not once were we abducted by a pedophile. We did have a fort full of dirty magazines, though. And my brother did burn down the woods behind our house.
Lauren @ me&mine says
oh my heck THANK YOU! I feel this way but couldnt word it as well. You totally rocked it
Donnamay says
My children will not remember that our house was messy but they will remember that I went to every school party, soccer game, band concert! The housework will always be there – your kids won’t!
Mrs. Wonder says
You rocked this one. ‘Nuff said.
Cam Bibs&Baubles says
yeah and you hear a whole other chorus of comments when you work outside the home… trust me. I say – do what works for you keep it moving. :)
Sharon says
This is very well written. You covered all the bases, taking away the guilt, shame and fear that today’s Mom faces. I love this. I think you have it figured out!
You should submit this to Lady’s Home Journal and every other piece of reading material. This is a must read!
Angela Johnson says
Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing for you. The media and some people are caught up in you have to be perfect to be a good MOM. No true. But who is to say what is perfect for anyone. Some people need to get a life and then they might see that they too might ignore the kids from time to time. LOL.
hellyamber says
Such a spot on post. I get the guilts because I actually find playing cars, blocks etc pretty tedious when I know my son would love it if I just did that with him all day.
Reminds me though of a conversation I had with my husband about how being a ‘good’ father has changed too. In the olden days (ie our parent’s generation), being a good father was earning a living, not being a drunk, not smacking the kids and wife around and being a suitable figure to offer occasional parental approval or discipline as required. Now, a good father is one who takes his kids to sports or out to play, reads to them at night, spends quality time every day, rough houses in a positive manner, nurtures their emotional needs, attends key events in the child’s life and also assists with domestic duties as well as contributes wholely or partially financially to the family. They also have to be supportive partners to their co-parent from pregnancy and onwards, none of this having a brandy and cigar whilst waiting outside the labour ward. So I think there’s pressure on parents all round as we try to work out how to be ‘good’ parents as well as ‘good’ partners and still be well-rounded human beings all at the same time.
Courtney @ The Mommy Mattesr says
I couldn’t agree with you more. My son DOES watch TV…probably more than “he should.” But he’s loved, he’s happy, and he’s full of energy and excitement every single day. Like you, that’s how I measure whether or not I’m doing a good job.
Not Winning Mom of the Year says
AMEN!
Christy @ cat fur to make kitten britches says
This whole “play” thing….isn’t that what siblings (and friends) are for?!?!
In all seriousness, though, I find it interesting that mommy bloggers are so often the target of disdain regarding how they spend their free time. I know a few exercise-obsessed women who park their kids in the daycare while they spend two (or more!) hours at the gym exercising. No one seems to decry women for doing something like that, but how is it really any different from doing something like blogging in one’s free time? Some may argue that exercise is important for your health, but blogging (writing) and connecting to other women is as important to my mental health as physical health is to my body.
I think everybody, has their “thing;” that thing they do that makes them happy (that may, or may not, include their kids!). For whatever reason, though, there just seems to be something about mommy blogging that gets people all fired up and indignant about the fact that that’s how those of us who do it choose to spend our time.
Feyella @Parentingsmh says
This is so on the money. At the end of the day, you have to be able to say you did your best and you and your family are happy. You can’t please everyone, but you can at least try to please them.
Lisa says
It is comforting enough to know that while we don’t have the answers.. we are not alone in asking the same question. At least I’ve promised myself to spend less time on FB and more time reading blogs while telling my kids to go play. So wonderful to meet your darling, beautiful, lovely self this weekend!
Laura-Bear says
well said. I am bookmarking this post for later… as this is spot on.
Marta says
Love this. I’m always struggling with the concept of doing it all! Not too long ago I too blogged (though not nearly as thought out as this) about how it feels like we’re ignoring the kids in favor of blogging, tweeting and reading blogs and tweets. But we need some sort of respite from the day!
Shell says
I think this will be my new way that I will judge how I am doing. Lots of laughter here.
Brooke Carpenter says
So refreshing to read your post! I could not agree more that balance is overrated and out of reach. I stopped trying to achieve balance years ago and you know what, my life is far more enjoyable. :)
stay-at-home-nursing-student says
Not only have moms been telling their kids to “go play” for centuries, but just over a century ago, the kids were sent out to pick beans or berries or whatever on the farm! Kids were expected to work and pull their own weight as a part of the family…and, whaddya know – most of them turned out just fine! But as a mom, especially a SAHM, people judge you if you have your precious children wipe down the bathroom with Lysol wipies….”Well, what does she do all day that she needs to ask her kids for help around the house?” I don’t work for money, but as a SAHM and as a nursing student, I do a TON of work for no pay, long hours, and little appreciation. But one smile and “Thank You” from my kids or my patients makes MOST of it worthwhile. ;)