It’s critical that we all write this Facebook Etiquette post at one point or another. I’ve been fighting it for some time now. I mean your Facebook page is really your business. If I see you post something that I think is silly or stupid or offensive I usually take a sip of coffee and scroll on down the list. Do what you want folks.
That being said…
If you happen to be starting off on Facebook and you’re really not sure what you should write or who you should friend or how it all works…well then I feel I owe it to you to advise you on the types of Facebook updates that cause me to sip and scroll or maybe gag a little bit:
- The undying love for your spouse update. Example: “I am so lucky to be married to the most generous man in the universe! I love you Babe!!”:
Doesn’t everyone just assume you love your spouse? I mean you did marry that person. When I read this type of update I assume a.) you’re fighting b.) you want to go shopping or c.) you’re feeling insecure. Whatever the reason, I then assume you will probably be having sex that night and just GREAT now I’ve got that image stuck in my head. No thank you.
- The undying love for your kids update. Example: “I am so blessed to have such amazing beautiful children. They truly are angels. Thank you Jesus!”
I have three kids, I have taught high schoolers, and I’ve cared for a countless number of children in my home daycare…I know from experience you can’t possibly mean this. When I read this update I assume a.) you are on drugs b.) your “kids” are purse sized chihuahuas or c.) you are on drugs. I just don’t know why else you would bother announcing your love like that…it can’t possibly be because you’re happy.
- The Message to Jesus Update. Example: See Above
I love Jesus. I truly do. But He doesn’t read Facebook I can promise you that. And I know that because he told me in a dream last night right after He mentioned the destruction of our entire planet on January 14th 2022 at 3:45 pm PST. He also wants you to call me Mama Kat Full of Grace and suggested you all start sending me money. Believe me, I’m just as baffled as you are. Please stop talking to Him on Facebook and send all money orders to my Paypal account at email@example.com. God bless.
- The Whining Update. Example: “Thinking I might shut down my Facebook Page since it seems no one here really likes to engage or talk to me.”
This update embarrasses me. It is a ploy to get me to comment on your page and beg you to stick around. And I will. Because I’m a nice friend. And because I don’t want you to kill yourself. Or me.
- Pictures of your bruises.
I don’t want to see your bruises. I don’t want to see an open wound. I don’t want to see broken limbs or bloody noses. I am sorry you are hurt, but my stomach can no longer take the abuse it once could. Please keep your war wounds to yourself. And seriously. Be careful out there.
- Pictures of your boobs.
I know what you’re thinking. What red-blooded-American-Woman does NOT like to see pictures of a beautiful woman’s breasts??? And the answer is…I don’t know…you can actually continue posting these.
- The Someone Could Call CPS on You Update. Example: “Whoopsies! My son just polished off an entire bottle of Excedrin for the second time this week!! Sheesh…guess someone will be sleeping soundly tonight!!”
These updates are a great way for me to weed out who my children are no longer allowed to visit, but please, for the love of all that is good and holy put the Excedrin and sharp knives away. I call CPS frequently to report my husband and I won’t hesitate to report you too.
- The Fishing for a Response Update. Example: “Sighhhhh….life can be….so….hard…..”
This status update reaps the rewards of all kinds of concerned friends which is exactly what the updater wants…just a little affirmation that people are out there and still care about her: What’s so hard Maggie? Is everything okay!?! Do you need some company? I’m calling you Maggie, let’s talk about what’s bothering you! Hey Maggie! BUCK. UP. If you’ve got a problem than out with it. I can try to help you, I can offer words of encouragement, I can sip my coffee and keep scrolling, but I absolutely do not have the time to bite this bait and leave a comment asking you if you need a hand to hold.
So what can you post on Facebook? Now that you’re all self conscious about what you should not be posting on Facebook and analyzing which of those I listed is something you actually do, I suppose I should supply you with some alternative options.
I wish I knew.
My last Facebook update was about cookies on July 6th….so I suppose cookies are safe. And then I did give you the go ahead on boobs…I guess that’s all I can think of right now.