Facebook Updates I Don’t Want To Read

It’s critical that we all write this Facebook Etiquette post at one point or another. I’ve been fighting it for some time now. I mean your Facebook page is really your business. If I see you post something that I think is silly or stupid or offensive I usually take a sip of coffee and scroll on down the list. Do what you want folks.

That being said…

If you happen to be starting off on Facebook and you’re really not sure what you should write or who you should friend or how it all works…well then I feel I owe it to you to advise you on the types of Facebook updates that cause me to sip and scroll or maybe gag a little bit:

  • The undying love for your spouse update. Example: “I am so lucky to be married to the most generous man in the universe! I love you Babe!!”:

Doesn’t everyone just assume you love your spouse? I mean you did marry that person. When I read this type of update I assume a.) you’re fighting b.) you want to go shopping or c.) you’re feeling insecure. Whatever the reason, I then assume you will probably be having sex that night and just GREAT now I’ve got that image stuck in my head. No thank you.

  • The undying love for your kids update.  Example: “I am so blessed to have such amazing beautiful children. They truly are angels. Thank you Jesus!”

I have three kids, I have taught high schoolers, and I’ve cared for a countless number of children in my home daycare…I know from experience you can’t possibly mean this. When I read this update I assume a.) you are on drugs b.) your “kids” are purse sized chihuahuas or c.) you are on drugs. I just don’t know why else you would bother announcing your love like that…it can’t possibly be because you’re happy.

  • The Message to Jesus Update. Example: See Above

I love Jesus. I truly do. But He doesn’t read Facebook I can promise you that. And I know that because he told me in a dream last night right after He mentioned the destruction of our entire planet on January 14th 2022 at 3:45 pm PST. He also wants you to call me Mama Kat Full of Grace and suggested you all start sending me money. Believe me, I’m just as baffled as you are. Please stop talking to Him on Facebook and send all money orders to my Paypal account at [email protected] God bless.

  • The Whining Update. Example: “Thinking I might shut down my Facebook Page since it seems no one here really likes to engage or talk to me.”

This update embarrasses me. It is a ploy to get me to comment on your page and beg you to stick around. And I will. Because I’m a nice friend. And because I don’t want you to kill yourself. Or me.

  • Pictures of your bruises.

I don’t want to see your bruises. I don’t want to see an open wound. I don’t want to see broken limbs or bloody noses. I am sorry you are hurt, but my stomach can no longer take the abuse it once could. Please keep your war wounds to yourself. And seriously. Be careful out there.

  • Pictures of your boobs.

I know what you’re thinking. What red-blooded-American-Woman does NOT like to see pictures of a beautiful woman’s breasts??? And the answer is…I don’t know…you can actually continue posting these.

  • The Someone Could Call CPS on You Update. Example: “Whoopsies! My son just polished off an entire bottle of Excedrin for the second time this week!! Sheesh…guess someone will be sleeping soundly tonight!!”

These updates are a great way for me to weed out who my children are no longer allowed to visit, but please, for the love of all that is good and holy put the Excedrin and sharp knives away. I call CPS frequently to report my husband and I won’t hesitate to report you too.

  • The Fishing for a Response Update. Example: “Sighhhhh….life can be….so….hard…..”

This status update reaps the rewards of all kinds of concerned friends which is exactly what the updater wants…just a little affirmation that people are out there and still care about her: What’s so hard Maggie? Is everything okay!?! Do you need some company? I’m calling you Maggie, let’s talk about what’s bothering you! Hey Maggie! BUCK. UP. If you’ve got a problem than out with it. I can try to help you, I can offer words of encouragement, I can sip my coffee and keep scrolling, but I absolutely do not have the time to bite this bait and leave a comment asking you if you need a hand to hold.

So what can you post on Facebook? Now that you’re all self conscious about what you should not be posting on Facebook and analyzing which of those I listed is something you actually do, I suppose I should supply you with some alternative options.

I wish I knew.

My last Facebook update was about cookies on July 6th….so I suppose cookies are safe. And then I did give you the go ahead on boobs…I guess that’s all I can think of right now.

Have fun!

Comments

  1. says

    I also hate all of the Facebook Security warnings. Honestly, if you are so disgusted with how FB handles your data then leave. It’s that simple.

  2. mommabird2345 says

    I love this. I don’t have a facebook account *GASP*, but I think this works for twitter too. :)

  3. says

    Ha! Timely post as I just updated my status with: Its ok NOT to post EVERYTHING that goes through your head on Facebook. For Real. Cause we REALLY don’t care. *ahem*

  4. says

    Oh, I SO agree!

    And this is hilarious.

    I actually also don’t get the ‘check in’ thing on FB either. Do I need to know you’re now at the zoo? Now at the movies? Now at a Michael Buble concert? No, I don’t, thank-you-very-much. Not unless, of course, you’re looking for a stalker, cos that’s the fastest way you’re gonna get one!

  5. says

    Man, you hit the nail right on the head. The blowing sunshine on the spouse makes me vomit a little bit. I also despise the FB conversations between people who live in the same house. It’s like the teenagers sitting in a circle texting each other because they can’t communicate in real life. The fishing ones are the worst though.

  6. says

    This is about the FUNNIEST THING I have read in quite a while!!!! Mama Kat Full of Grace, you are a funny woman. Maybe it’s even funnier because I have friends who post things like this all the time. Oh, but not me. No way. In fact, someone told my husband and me just the other day, “Why do ya’ll post so many pictures of FOOD?”

    Yep, that’s us–fat, jolly people who post pictures of FOOD. That’s just great.

    Keep up the good work, Sister. Hallelujah, amen.

  7. says

    This was a great list, not that I have ever ahem..done any of them… Literally laughed out loud at the next to last one, and I hear ya on the last one. Man up already peeps :).

  8. says

    Hehehehe
    Love that one about your dream from Jesus.
    Hahaha, made me laugh a little out loud, just a snigger.
    I am way too busy being blog-addicted to bother with reading endless FB updates. Plus I don;t yet own a smartphone. I still have to push buttons on my brick to send a text. No FB on my phone. No apps either.
    And the state of THESE boobs? There won’t be any photos of those babies anytime soon.
    xx

  9. says

    Those first two drive me crazy!! I have a friend who became a SAHM recently (6-month old) and she posts eight times a day about how wonderful her child is and how great her life is with lots of those heart things: <3 <3 <3 … you know, we've had a huge problem with teething here, and she piped up with "assistance" and I thought 'what do you know? your life is PERFECT!'

  10. kelley says

    I do not need to know everything you did today (went to the park then to walmart where I spent a hundred bucks then had chinese food for supper now the kid is in the bath….). Also, I don’t need you to tell me what day of the week it is. If all you can think of to say is that it’s Tuesday, you don’t need to update your status!

  11. says

    Mama Kat full of grace you forgot one. It’s fails under the bait me umbrella but still annoys me enough to mention…the I am at the hospital…or about to have the procedure…or not sure when we will be released….HATE THAT.

  12. says

    Amen.
    The eternal devotion and love declarations do not need to be made via Facebook for all to see. Send it in a message, or get crazy and (gasp) actually call them or say it in person!
    And no offense, but using a sonogram picture as your profile shot is creepy, as are pictures taken of yourself in an effort to look sexy. This has the exact opposite effect, as does posting a status in all caps with multiple exclamation points. This says, “block me.”

    With all that said, I’m still on Facebook ;)

    • says

      yea Abby, but what does it say when you have your iconic image as your profile and on my facebook, I have Rosie the Riveter iconic image thing?

      I guess it’s better than using the shot captured by my mac camera when I’m three sheets to the wind and trying just to keep my eyes open.

      I’m barely on Facebook anymore. BUT it’s virtually the only way to stay in touch with friends and family from the States. I do make a regular practice of “hiding” most everyone, though.

      Funny post here, Mama Kat. Found you via Abby, so I’m totally hijacking her comment.

      • says

        Ha. I only have that picture as my profile because it doesn’t look that much like me, despite being me :) I only use my “personal” Facebook for family and friends as well, many of which use sonograms, pictures of their children or attempts at “sexy time” pictures.

        Sigh…what can you do? ;)

  13. says

    OMG the last one KILLS me. I’ve actually deleted serial offenders, bc they make me want to throw my phone, and phones are expensive.

    Another thing: TMI about bodily functions/injuries/illness. E.g., “Still at the hospital. My catheter itches.”. . .or. . .”Totally constipated. Advice?”

    • says

      Ooh, ooh, I forgot one! How about the ALL CAPS, copy/pasted, shaming-of-others statuses? Like…

      “I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG…[redacted]…IF YOU ARE NOT ASHAMED OR AFRAID TO OFFEND PEOPLE, REPOST. 90% WILL NOT REPOST THIS!!!!!”

      Dude, wtf-EVER. People are much more likely to be offended by your liberal use of caps lock (I know I am!). Also, it’s hilarious (or sad. No, more sad) that everyone has copy/pasted the exact same spelling/usage mistakes all over my freakin’ home page.

      • says

        Okay, sorry, one more. I HATE HATE HATE the “It’s special needs [or whatever cause] week! (etc etc) Will you leave this as your status for at least ONE HOUR?”

        Dude. I *have* a special-needs kid. And funny, but changing your status (for ONE WHOLE HOUR) didn’t help him at all.

        Aaaand I’m done. I swear. Maybe I need to write my own post….

        • says

          i apparently have nothing better to do than read these comments… but in the same grain as your last mention, you forgot the “it’s sisters week… if you have a sister you love, change your profile picture and use this as your status?” Ok… why? And besides, if THIS is Sisters week, why did someone else post this same thing three weeks ago??? What ever…

          • Josie says

            Absolutely! I just read, “Did you know that those who appear to be really strong, really are the most sensitive…Did you know that those who spend all their time protecting others sometimes really need someone to protect them? Did you know that three of the hardest things to say are: I love you, I’m sorry and Help me! Put as your status if you agree… Some will….most won’t. I did.”
            Ew! Why?

  14. says

    These are great, esp the shout-outs to Jesus.

    Lately, my stream has been filling up with a list of all the chores you did today and then in the comments gets into an out-do-a-thon.

    • says

      I couldn’t agree more. Whenever I see the undying-love-for-the-spouse posts, I assume said spouse hacked into their FB account.

  15. says

    I laughed out loud! I always assumed that people who write love notes on their status can only communicate with their spouses over Facebook because they are glued to the computer all the time. They Facebook each other across the house and stuff.
    What I don’t like are the: “Going to the bathroom” “Doing laundry and watching TV” “Went to the bathroom, feel better.”
    Ugh.

  16. says

    Too, too funny! I love how you are so not afraid to say what’s on your mind and hit the nail on the head every time. Is it okay if I post this on my FB?

  17. says

    I am very enamored of my family right at this moment and am very peacefully happy.
    Mind you, everyone is still asleep and I am dreading them waking up…

  18. says

    I like the injury updates! Though I have one friend who has taken a strategy that you might appreciate; she puts pictures in a note and then tags those of us she knows will want to see. And the note has a title that makes it clear to unsuspecting types.

    I find facebook statuses seeking out information from the hive brain are nice. Also, when my younger son was in the NICU, Facebook was a great way to get basic information out.

  19. says

    I agree with each and every one of them….mostly because when I started with Facebook I was a status whore and now I barely make it to my profile page. LOL.

    I get really sick of people using it to just whine, complain, tell me EVERY SINGLE ELEMENT of their day, or just annoy me.

    BRAVO…maybe Mark Zuckerburg can post these to every page….you know before he lets you have an account. ;)

  20. says

    I totally understand the bruise one. And boobs, well.

    anyway. What about pictures of your kid’s poop. I’ve seen it. Yay, he is potty training. but don’t show me the shit, for fuck’s sake!

  21. says

    Over-sharing is what Twitter is for, sheesh!

    I have 98% of people blocked from my status feed – which includes the majority of my family and, well, almost everyone, I guess.

  22. Dana-my 3 little ducks says

    This is so fantastic and true!! I can’t wait to repost this post on Facebook as a giant like. Hahahahah

  23. says

    Great post – made me laugh :) I would like to add that I don’t need to see FB updates about how you/your spouse/your kids were so horrifyingly ill that you actually barfed up a lung. PLEASE don’t share these details!!!

    • Amanda says

      I see these and unless it’s their anniv. or b-day I automatically wonder how soon they’ll be announcing their divorce? When it’s out on FB like that every other day it’s not real…you FB your way to a happy marriage!

  24. says

    OMG. I was sent here (ironically) by someone else’s Facebook recommendation. I love it. I have a teen and you are so right. If you are saying they are angels – it’s only because you want to send a message to their parole officer that they are obeying the rules the judge set out for them :)

    As for my hubs, thanks, but I can tell him how I feel to his face. It’s a little thing I like to call an argument…I mean, spousal communication :)

  25. says

    Right on! When I first signed up for Facebook, I was guilty as charged. In the last year or so, though, I tired of reading other people’s ridiculous posts and changed my tune. Thanks for spreading the word!
    -MM

  26. says

    Thank you! I LOVE this post!!!
    I always want to ask the women who praise their husbands and children, if they are trying to convince us or themselves?!! lol
    I love the attention seekers as well! You nailed this!
    Thanks!

  27. says

    Beautiful! It kills me when someone will facebook that they’re late to work! All I can think of is that they found time to boot up the computer and log on to facebook!!

  28. says

    Oh my…Facebook, the mother of all passive-aggressive websites. I swear that seems to be the place for it! And what is with the “sexy”, I like to stick out my lips and take a photo of myself thing? Sometimes that is worse than the boob pictures because it looks like you are having a hard time going to the bathroom or just ate something really bad…it is so NOT sexy!

  29. says

    The “Fishing for a Response” update drives me absolutely bonkers!

    And don’t even get me started on the Farmville / Mob Wars / game type updates that clog up the feed – I’ve every one of those things blocked!

  30. says

    You need to check out this meme. It’s called Annoying Facebook Girl, and it is the scariest thing that so many of them ring true.

    http://www.quickmeme.com/Annoying-Facebook-Girl/oldest/

    My personal, most-hated, thing about Facebook is when so many of my friends post EVERY SINGLE PHOTO that they have ever taken. I edit myself and my photos, and only post pictures where my friends look flattering, or if it’s the best photograph in a series that I snapped.

    This blog entry is HILARIOUS, thank you for it!

  31. says

    I’d have to add to the list

    1.) Pictures of anything you have personally killed. That is just gross. Hunt if you must, but keep it to yourself. Nobody wants to see that.

    2.) My blood pressure jacks up every time I read a status where someone says “Facebook is trying to see who really uses it. Put this up as your status or you will have to start paying for it.” I want to reply and ask “Just how stupid are you?”

    3.) Updates that say “See who views your profile!”

    4.) Anything with tons of vitriolic political hate implying everyone with opposing views are idiots. Guess what? I think one thing, you think something else. We’re both okay.

    Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I don’t like Facebook. But, at least there aren’t any huge sparkly glitter graphics like there are on MySpace.

  32. says

    Love this!! Especially the Jesus dream.

    Agree: sports updates, and writing out every thing you did today with everyone you did it with = lame!

    I also can’t stand updates on how many miles you ran, and that you’re going to the gym..again.. or posts that call people out. It is not brave or bad@ss to talk big on FB.. say it to their face or not at all. Agh!
    And stop telling everyone how hot it is, that there is no rain, and that…it finally rained!! Chances are, everyone that reads your FB posts already knows these things…because they live where you do. Blah!

  33. Chandra says

    This is BRILLIANT! Especailly the first one. Why do I have to hear ‘how lucky I amto have you in my life, I love you”..blah,blah,blah. Seriouisly? People that do that are doing it for appearances. Why not just pick up the FREAKIN phone and tell them…or, or..better yet…tell it to them when you see them at dinner…why do they feel the need to post it on FB unless..they are fishing for a compliment. PUKE.

  34. says

    I’ve committed the Hubs one, I do. And yes people know I love him but these post are for him because who doesnt like to read they are love? Ok, OK, I’ll stop.
    One I hate is the ones that are so depressing I want to smack them (ones that I know the person is not seriously trying to injure themselves) such as ” ugh, story of my life”, “why me?” blah blah blah, only to find out is because a guy didnt call, or you can get a ride home, etc…

  35. says

    Love.

    I hardly ever use facebook (because twitter is clearly better) but I completely agree with you. I also hate status updates of what you’re harvesting. I don’t care that you have nothing better to do than harvest some wheat. Some of us have real wheat to harvest (or at least some delicious bread with nutella to eat while reading facebook) we’re too busy for that shenanigans.

  36. says

    I find it strange when people write what should be private messages on each other’s walls for everyone to see. “So excited for our plans tonight, Karen!” Do I really need to know that you have dinner plans with Karen? Am I supposed to be jealous of your plans? Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to send a message, text, email or (this is really radical) CALL Karen? I kind of hate these people.

    Also hate the updates that say NOTHING. “Just ate a piece of cake”
    “Took a deep breath” “blinked twice”

    Seriously? STFU!

  37. says

    Just in the last 6 hours since I read your blog I have experienced 4 of the offending status updates from my mere 130 friends. Plus, many of the other ones mentioned by other commentators (commenters isn’t a word yet?) including the insidious “post this for an hour if you give a sh**, care, have, or whatever.”

    On a related topic, the forwarding of some emails can take up precious time on the delete key. I hope this isn’t against the rules and I hope some of you will enjoy this: just skip the ad… another pet peeve on the list…
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCSA7kKNu2Y&feature=player_embedded

  38. says

    I know I don’t comment much on your blog, but I read every post you write. This one struck a chord w/me and I wish I had thought to write it first. You mentioned ALL my pet peeves and I could certainly add a few. Like don’t fight with your spouse on FB. Oh my gosh- embarassing for everyone reading it! And bodily functions- DON’T need to hear it!!!

  39. says

    For me it’s the whining about another cold, another trip to the pharmacy to get NyQuil, another fever, another sore throat… these updates make me feel horrible if my health is fine and if I don’t comment saying “Are you okay?” It seems like some people are sick all the time on FB!

  40. says

    I agree with all of the above. Especially the undying love…Gag no one loves their spouse or significant other that much ;)
    I have several friend that do the whole “sigh what a awful day” then when you ask what’s wrong they don’t answer or don’t want to talk about it well um I did not sign onto FB to play jeopardy today.

  41. says

    I hate chronic sick friends who post about every pain in their body – every single day. I can’t delete them b/c I just can’t so I hide them. Then I feel guilty and unhide them and they piss me off again by complaining about their pain and undying love for their husband and children. Just. Stop. Please.

  42. says

    *boob flash*
    I call the ‘life is hard, wah wah’ updates “Vaguebooking”. And I’ve been guilty of that once or twice. I HATE the ‘poor me, nobody talks to me on FB’ stuff, and I never reply to those, guess I’m mean.

  43. says

    I’m just SOOOOOOO relieved that one of your pet peeves isn’t how some of us (ahem, well, ME) post our daily exercise workouts. I used to not do it, but it ends up creating more fun conversations (and the occasional person who actually says they feel a bit motivated by it) so I kept it. Somehow maybe it balances otu the cookie posts??!!

  44. says

    “Vaguebooking” gets on my last nerve, too. Passive aggressive status updates make me overtly aggressive.

    However, I will not stop posting pictures of my war wounds. I freaking try to get people to unfriend me & it doesn’t work. They’ll have to keep looking at the blood, bruises, & swelling.

  45. says

    Can I Just add the “to do list update” is right on top of my list of lame updates! Example:
    “going to get a latte then off to work, then to run errands and to the gym then gotta pick up kids and go to dinner for a friends birthday”
    Really? Who gives a shit?!!!!

  46. says

    loved this.
    My peeve is the weekly announcers:
    “Ugh, it’s Monday”
    “Happy Tuesday!”
    “It’s HUMPDAY!”
    “It’s Thursday – that means tomorrow is FRIDAY! WOOHOO!”
    “YAY!!! IT’s FRIDAY!”
    “Ugh…it’s Monday”…..

  47. says

    HAHA! I’m with you on the whole spouse and kids thing. Except for special occasions and such. My step sis and her SO are forever posting gagging things to each other. Thankfully her SO unfriended me so I see none of what she posts. Now if only my step sis would un friend me. I’d un friend her but I just can’t cause that would come with all kinds of crap I don’t need. As for the kids thing, special occasions and really, no one really believes you’re kids are absolute angels all the time. OMG now I’m totally obsessing about FB, thanks. ;)

  48. says

    Facebook, in my experience, just shows how insecure some people really are; and they don’t have real friends. Sucks.

  49. Someone says

    As a guy who happened to StumbleUpon here, I agree with all of those except for the boobs one. Which Ma Kat has rethought herself inside the post.

    *ducks from cat claws* ;)

  50. Nancy P says

    I was going to say how much I love this post and some other nice things but then my mind wandered to how awesome my husband and kids are and darned if I didn’t just start weeping a bit with so many happy tears…

  51. says

    Yup… totally gonna hold you to writing a Part 2 on this one. I’ve fallen victim to EVERY.LAST.ONE. of those status updates. I feel assaulted by them DAILY. I put these people in “the phantom zone.” Know that little “x” right there beside their update? Yup. That one? Right there? No! The one below it! There you go. “Hide All by John Eatshisboogers.” No more John! AMEN! HALLELUJAH! That being said? My news feed is MIGHTY quiet with the exception of my Gram. Her updates are pretty damn funny if I do say so myself.

  52. says

    I finally had to hide all post from a couple friends who ONLY posted like 10 times a day about how their head hurts…back hurts…cold is annoying…foot hurts….like there is NEVER anything positive they can say about how. Maybe umm “I’m still breathing :)” would be a nice change every now and then. I care. I really do. But sometimes
    I need a break from your pain.

  53. says

    While I hate all of these the delete a friend option solves all this, exactly why I’ve never understand the reason people complain, don’t let what a person says delete them, haven’t got the heart to do it? Hide the updates.

  54. says

    Mama Kat, it’s a good thing we aren’t facebook friends. I love my husband, my children, and Jesus, and I will talk about it if I want to!!! (But then again, I would never abuse my children, show pictures of my boobs or whatnot, and I hide or delete people that do…) :)

  55. mera says

    I love this. I wish I could foreward this anonymously send this to a couple people along with the advice that I don’t care about the drama you make at work, and That you should not ever post about you sex life. I don’t ever want to hear about it and your young kids who are your friends do not need to hear it.

  56. Amanda says

    How about the people who constantly post about their work out that day?? As if I don’t feel like a lazy bum half the time already now I have to hear about how awesome pilates wast this morning or how you are pissed it’s raining because you had to run on the treadmill instead of pavement today…shut up and go eat a twinkie!

  57. says

    Great post, and great comments as well. Usually I won’t bother to read the comments when there are this many, but they have been as entertaining as the original post. My biggest pet peeves are lovey-dovey ones and the “post this as your status” ones. Gag.

  58. says

    Facebook updates can be annoying. I deleted my personal page, b/c I like having more control over who creeps my family. I mean, I’d much rather share them with all you complete strangers. Says a lot about the people I know IRL, huh?

  59. says

    This was terrific! Can I add one to your list? Please, people, I’m begging you: Stop posting statuses that begin, “Please repost this if you are against _____,” with the blank being “child abuse” or “cancer” or “slaughtering baby seals.”

  60. says

    I love this post for more reasons that you can imagine. You hit all my FB pet peeves. Now I’m going to post it on FB and keep my fingers crossed that the status update that follows it falls under one of the categories you outlined. Cuz I dig irony. (that is irony isn’t it…someone go ask Alanis…)

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