I embrace the “new age” parenting style. I have no idea what that means…only that it must mean I am not an “old age” parent which is the category my own mom must fall under. In some ways we are a lot alike. I hear her in myself when I shush the kids while I’m on the phone or when I scream at them to brush their teeth for the fifth hundredth time.
“IF I HAVE TO ASK YOU ONE MORE TIME YOU’RE ALL GOING TO BE PUNISHED REALLY REALLY BADLY!!”
What makes me “new age” is that I embraced the new concepts of “listening to your children” and “respecting their choices” when I brought kids into this world. Concepts that I guarantee my mom is chuckling at as she reads this. Not to say she didn’t respect us, but those old school parents were not interested in giving children a whole lot of power. You just did what you were told dammit.
The new age parents talk it out, we listen to our kids, we reason with our kids, we get down to their level, we count to five, we have naughty chairs, and we give out second chances.
The old school parents avoided that song and dance altogether. They said ‘no’ and ‘go play’ and ‘stop hitting your sister in the head with your cabbage patch kid!’ Everything was just because they said so. The End. PERIOD!
New Age parents want kids to feel heard. We want them to feel acknowledged. We are careful not to kill their spirit. We don’t want to push them to do things they’re not comfortable doing while our old age counterparts shoved our unwilling bodies right into Great Grandpa Albert and his missing teeth for hugs goodbye.
Because it was the respectful thing to do.
I have fantastic relationships with my kids. Every weekend is molded around activities I think they will enjoy. We have zoo and museum passes. I know the daily schedules of our local skating rink, pool, and library by heart. I have bookmarked and saved special events to water parks, train rides, fairs and festivals. Everything I do is aimed at giving them the best childhood they could ever dream of.
But I sit here defeated.
My latest conversation with my four year old going something like this, “Are you eating another cookie? I asked you to leave the cookies alone! You’ve had three cookies already today and you climbed all the way up the pantry to sneak more? That. Is. Not. OKAY! You go put that cookie back right now. Kainoa? I asked you to put the cookie back. Are you going to put the cookie back? You have THREE seconds to put the cookie back this INSTANT! One….two…KAINOA! Make the right choice! Are you going to make the right choice son? ”
I could go on.
But I’m annoying myself all over again.
You know what worked?
I finally snatched the damn cookie from his hand and yelled “I SAID NO” and “GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!”
And guess what?
He’s in his room.
And I’m alone. Watching Oprah re-runs. Eating his cookies.
Our Old Age parents knew what they were doing.
Stasha says
I use “Because I said so. . .” on my daughter all the time.
Usually shuts her right up.
Heh.
I totally deserve ‘Mom of the year’. ;)
Chasing Joy says
LOL this is funny. I don’t have kids yet. But I imagine you do what works in the moment. Maybe your a current age parent meaning sometimes new and sometimes old whateve works in the current moment. :-)
June Freaking Cleaver says
Finally, with the last kid, I only counted to zero – cuz if I wanted him to do something, dammit, I wanted him to do it NOW.
So he still got the feeling that he was in charge by my counting, and I got him to do it right away. That only worked until about age 4, then all hell broke loose.
I am much less permissive than I used to be with this kid…he needs more of that firmness.
Miranda Grimm says
oh my gosh this is perfect! I know it is the right thing to answer your kid honestly when they ask “why”….but I am exhausted! My kids have been hearing “Cause I Said SO” followed by the ever so slightly downward tipping of my head so I can glare at them while telepathically daring them to ask me again.
mmm. now i want a cookie too
Rambling Follower says
At some point I STOPPED being my children’s camp director, taking them to every imaginable museum, zoo, park etc. etc.
We built a wooden swing in the front yard. They had blocks, train sets, crayons etc. That was it. I did read to them a lot, talk to them a lot but I stopped being their camp director.
Today our 11 year old whined and whined that he had NOTHING TO DO because i told him he could not watch tv or play on my computer. I told him I had bought lemon juice and he could figure out how to make lemonade. (We had made it togehter the other day) He did!
When I stopped thinking of myself as entertainment coordinator and tried to integrate my kids into my life and our household, things got easier for all of us. When I started to build their self-esteem by asking them to do things they can do for themselves, we all felt more relaxed.
I hope this helps. Hang in there.
Jennie says
Damn straight our old age parents knew what they were doing. And I only say that because I pull those crappy lines out of my butt all the time without even thinking about it. Things like, “Because I said so!” and “Because I’m the mom!”
Great post!
Gigi says
I learned pretty early on that the more words I used with my son meant the less he’d listen. So, yeah, I had to move on to becoming old-school mom. And so far, it’s worked out pretty well.
Karen and Gerard says
Good for you! Sometimes you just need to exercise your authority!
Sarah says
You go, Mama Kat! You are preparing your children well. I’m pretty sure their future employers won’t be that interested in explaining why the deadline needs to be met, or “talking it out” when they don’t feel like doing their work. There is a place for that with our kids, but it’s after they obey just because “we said so”.
Heather says
I totally could’ve written this post…
Jacki says
My son used to get so upset when I raised my voice at him, even though I had repeated myself about 30 dozen times and the only way he would actually respond was if I was yelling. Now I make my request and if he doesn’t respond and I say, “If you don’t (fill in the blank) now I will use my angry voice.” Works every time.
Of course he also likes to throw “What ifs” at me, so I also have to use that “Because I said so” line.
Daddy Scratches says
I don’t mind you writing about what goes on in my house, but if you could at least tell me where you hid the camera, I’d appreciate it.
Leslie says
I remember watching those nanny shows thinking how I would apply these newly learned lessons..as they seemed much more civil and healthier compared to old school techniques. Ohhh..but how things die out.
Teacher Girl says
As a high school teacher for 5 years now, I am starting to believe more and more that our parents had it right. The majority of the 9th graders that entire my classroom feel the are entitled and deserve things they haven’t earned. They want credit for crap work because they did “something”. Their parents seem unable to manage and cope with their kids. It makes me scared as hell to have my own children one day. No longer will kids just do their school work. They want an explanation for everything and teachers are forced to quite literally stand on our heads to get them to pay attention. New age parenting is making my life so much harder than it has to be.
Victoria KP says
Love this! I try to be a new-agey parent sometimes. But then there are times when it’s like. No. The answer is no. It will not be discussed. I will not explain myself to you. You must do what I said because I’M THE MOMMY.
Otherwise I would get NOTHING done!
Book4MyDaughter says
You’re post made me laugh! I think I’m somewhere in the middle between new and old. I definitely empathize with my children, and more often than not, they are the ones in control because of it. I also try to remember that when I do say “No” (which is usually about 10 times a day, usually around meal times—”No, we can’t go out to dinner!” “No, I won’t order a pizza”, etc.) I have to stick to it, and not give in. I read somewhere once that as soon as you start to justify your “no’ the kids are halfway to winning.
Thanks for sharing. I needed a laugh on this overwhelming Monday morning. It’s also nice to remember that we aren’t alone in this sometimes frustrating place called “Motherhood.”
Ann says
Too funny! I remember the old-age parenting. I suspect there’s a happy medium somewhere in there….
Gail says
I LOVE this post. LOVE. Because my kids are 2 1/2 and just turned a year and I feel so bad if I don’t take them to all the activities and be the new-age parent like I feel like I should. Sometimes I just friggin’ snap, and that is when shit gets done. My husband doesn’t put up with anything, and my 2 yo has a lot more respect for him.
It is very interesting to read all of the comments, especially the one from the high school teacher. Thanks!
liz says
It makes me feel so much better to know that my kids aren’t the only ones who seem to *not hear* the words coming from my mouth. :)
Jenn @ Coolest Family on the Block says
hahaha
Yeah, I’m still trying to find a happy medium between both parenting styles. My problem is that right now while I’m pregnant I don’t really want to mess with it and in an attempt to not turn into the screaming mom I’m like, “I don’t care if she eats cookies for breakfast I just want her to be quiet and happy while I go throw up.”
I love that you ate his cookie ;)
A Mommy in the City says
This sounds much like conversations I have with my two year old. I find myself sounds eerily like my mother when I talk to her sometimes. What has happened to me?!
Bruna says
Ha ha, you got me there at the end. I think a little bit of both works best. If I had to choose, I would have wanted my Mom to have your (my) parenting style over the Old School type. Amen!
Muffy says
Turning the “Period!” of old-age discipline into eating his cookies is still so new-age and fresh! :D
Jen says
You know what the problem is? New age, old age we all still have to parent and that is what sucks. Why can’t kids already come parented?
Lena Teegal says
Old age discipline for me involved spankings (ouch), let’s not go there shall we.
Erin @ I Should be Studying says
ME too…apparently it did some good. lol.
Kim says
Someone once told me the four-year-old stage is the golden year. Gone are the terrible two’s and three’s. But I’m finding parenting a four-year-old more challenging, because it is more of a mind game for me and my four-year-old. When she was younger it was simpler. “No” got an immediate response. Now “no” is thrown back in my face in addition to other feedback and facial expressions. Does it get an easier when they are five?
Jennifer says
My mom had my children this past weekend while I was at BlogHer. I called to ask how it was going. Her response? “Great. They mind me.” Thanks for that Mom. Thanks a lot.
Basically my point here is that I get what you mean. I need to learn to be more old school. I wonder where I can get a switch?
Kir says
I swear I try Kat, I want to do it better than my parents, but the thing is that our world view has changed and yet being 3 hasn’t…the whining, the backtalk, the complete defiance is still wrapped in their DNA since the dinosaurs and so a good swat is the appropriate way to handle prehistoric behavior….right???? LOL
I’m such a wishy washy mom too……..hey can I have some cookies????
Timber says
This was so funny and a mirror image in my mind of most days with my 5 year old. I think I’m more middle of the road. That happy medium between old age and new age parenting. It’s whatever works at the moment.
Heather Lambie says
I JUST had this conversation w/ a good friend of mine last night.
“Why don’t kids have respect for their parents/adults anymore? We give them everything–cook for them, clean for them, send them to private school, take them fun places… and all we ask in return is a non-sassy tone and we don’t even get that!”
You hit the nail on the head. We gotta stop kowtowing to our kiddos and just send ’em outside until after happy hour.
LADY GOO GOO GAGA says
OMG – I literally had the same conversation tonight with my 4 year old!! Apparently the new age cookie cutoff is 3 cookies!!! Good work!!
Shell says
Definitely something to old school parenting. B/c I’d like to be alone eating cookies, too.
I’m trying to convince my boys that all cookies are awful and they wouldn’t like them anyway.
Marie says
HAHAHAHAHAHA…thanks for being human. Yesterday I had to yank away a bungee strap that he and his cousin were fighting over. I always feel so guilty when I discipline Murray and he cries, but I know it has to be done (especially when he hits me). Hopefully someday, our kids will thank us.
MM
Kisatrtle says
I feel ur pain
Kristina says
This was too funny. And just what I’m going through now. I’m slowly gaining back the ground I’ve lost now that I’m not pregnant anymore and the baby doesn’t fuss when I put him down so I can enforce consequences. Now when I tell my 2 1/2 year old to do something, I ask him if he wants to cooperate or have consequences… a TIME OUT, which he totally hates!
Tania says
Ya my parenting sucks, too. It changes from day to day depending what kind of mood I’m in. ;)
MamiCyn says
Oh my goodness, this post literally made me LOL.
I think the old and the new could learn a thing or two from each other. But as much as we have to listen to our children and make them feel heard and important, sometimes, ‘because i said so’ should be all the explanation they need.
Deb says
I’m 14 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I’m certain that “Because I said so” will pass through my lips more times than I’ll ever admit. Sometimes, that’s the only way to make your point when you’re trying to reason with the unreasonable.
Texan Mama says
I love to say, “You make the right choice or I’m gonna make it for you!”
in an increasingly loud voice. heh.
MJ from iNeedaPlaydate says
I’m so glad you are the cookie… I would have, too.
Jen @ Lita's world says
I’ve started using “because I’m gonna FREAK on you”. I’m really not sure what “freak” means, but it seems to work because they don’t know either.
karin says
Ha! I’m gonna use that one the next opportunity i get!!!!!!
karin says
Just so you know, i wanted my daughter to get into her pj’s. I often sing my requests to some nursery rhyme tune, but this time, right in the middle i growled ‘ or i’ll freak’. She looked at me a second, trotted to her room and bounced out i swear 5 seconds later in her pj’s. i think that is a record for her. :)
Nicole @MTDLBlog says
I think a balance between the old age and new age parenting style is healthy. Enjoy the cookies :-)
Jenny says
I think they were on to something this whole count to 10 crap and they still do what they want is not working for me ;)
karin says
10 is waaaaay too long. 5 maybe. cut it to 3 if you can. :)
karin says
Ha Ha Ha!!! I loved you post!! How true it is. A good glare is worth a lot of words.