Advice to new mothers
“You don’t know how hard this is!” I’d bark at my husband, “You have it SO much easier than I do!”
Raising my new baby was hard work. Too hard. I remember having some pretty serious anxiety when faced with the fact that my husband was eventually going to have to go back to work and eventually I was going to be alone with our baby every day.
She wasn’t easy. I would pace with her for hours at night to get her to sleep and I’m not sure how long her naps were, but I remember feeling like they were never long enough.
My nerves were shot.
Pat once came home from a long night of work and as he was fixing himself dinner in the kitchen I hissed, “DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO LOUD!?! I’ve been working all NIGHT to get her to sleep and your disregard for that work shows you don’t respect me or the job I do taking care of her!!!”
To be clear, Pat wasn’t slamming anything…he just wasn’t shutting drawers and laying silverware on the counter in slow motion like I did when the baby was sleeping. A dropped spoon could wake her up and then I’d have to stop everything, go BACK up the stairs and soothe her back to sleep.
My job was never over.
Pat and I argued over who worked harder. I’d get really angry. He just didn’t understand what went into raising a baby.
I remember feeling furious as I struggled to spoon the sour cream into what was going to be the filling for our enchiladas one night. Maile was refusing to nap and I just HAD to finish prepping dinner. I juggled her from one hip to the other as I slopped sour cream and salsa into the dish and all over the counter.
She wasn’t having it though. She cried and squirmed and I finally put her down to roll tortillas only to be met with more protesting and screaming from my cherub. I allowed her to scream while I finished and then cried with her after I stuffed the food into the oven.
If I could go back I would place my hands square on my own shoulders and I would say dude. it’s not going to get easier than this, chill out, enjoy your baby…and order a pizza.
June Freaking Cleaver says
I call my oldest the “practice child”, because I did all the fretting and crying and was filled with a major lack of self-confidence…then it got better, and I was a lot more mellow with the rest.
Mama Kat says
Yeaaahhh…see I was just as paranoid with the next two. Maybe I’m not a baby person.
Tonya says
Excellent advice. Those early days with a newborn suck, but they are so fleeting. I know that now. If I could go back, I’d try to enjoy them more.
Mama Kat says
I remember wanting to slap people who would say, “oh…enjoy this while it lasts!!” And now I’ve become one. :)
Stacey says
Amen. It would be nice if we could have given ourselves some advice the first time through. I am happily enjoying my baby, who will remain my baby, and soaking up as much of his babyness as I can. There is a poem that I had put on the wall in the baby’s nursery. The part on the wall says, “Quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep.”
Mama Kat says
That is SUCH a sweet line!!
Jessica says
Oh Ive been there. I used to yell at my hubs too with my first. Its stressful and life altering and hard. No one tells you hard its going to be. I learned with the second to take it in, breathe it in, because it really does all go too fast.
jackie says
Raising a baby is hard work. I had my share of crying and arguments with my husband. It took a while, but I learned to stop stressing about stuff and enjoy every minute with my son.
Dominique @Dominique's Desk says
I too struggled when I took care of my eldest child. Being a new mom is never easy.. however it does get easier with experience.
Stacy Redmond says
I think I just fell in love with your little one! :) Soooo cute. And you look so happy, no one would have known you were going out of your mind ha ha. I learnt this week that if my daughter is screaming and I tell her I am not interested she shuts up, quite comical. xx
Simone @Greatfun4kids says
Wow. Amazing to see photos of you back then! What a sweet little baby girl she looks – of course I am sure she was loud as a jet engine in your ear, cos I had a girl just the same…
I’ve picked the same topic. Oh its a goodie.
I will be away for the next month, adventuring in the UK {after enduring our 30 hour flight with three kids} so I won’t be able to join in Writers Workshop.
I know you’ll miss me.
I just wanted to let you know.
So you didn’t think I’d gone off you or something.
Cos I haven’t.
Still lovin me some Mama Kat and writin up a storm downunder… just that I’ll be in the northern hemisphere. And my mother inlaw has a dinosaur computer. Not great for those picture-heavy posts I like.
So have a great month.
Don’t miss me too much.
xx
Mama Kat says
A 30 hour flight with kids should give you plenty to write about. I hope you’re taking notes! And of course, you will be missed. Come back soon.
Katya kate says
Thanks for hosting such meme! I really enjoyed writing mine! Hope you have time to visit mine :)
Kate
http://mommygrowingup.blogspot.com/2011/09/when-i-wished-i-vanished.html
Carrie says
Dude, I ordered pizza so often, the guys knew me as soon as I opened my mouth on the phone…and it was still damn hard. And exhausting. And frustrating.
I don’t think a father ever REALLY gets it unless THEY are the ones doing it 24/7
I do wish I could go back and chill more though. That first kid hits you and if they are remotely fussy it is a sucky time. I should have taken more walks…that’s my advice. Get out of the close confines of your home. Otherwise, you might go insane.
Kathleen Basi says
When my husband went back to work after our first was born, I was a weepy, trembly mess of terror. After the third, I was like, “Cya.” In retrospect you know to shrug, take a deep breath, and barrel through it. And yet I think there’s no way to learn that lesson except by living it…new moms can’t just relax, they have to learn it, the same way we did… :/
Diane@BeStillaMinute says
Best advice ever!
Dumb Mom says
She was adorable even if she was making your life miserable! And you and Pat haven’t aged a day. You should start now.
Jennifer@ The Mommy Mambo says
The face in that last pic had to make it all worth it!? Beautiful! Oh, but if I could go back to when the twins were itty bitty I would certainly stop trying to do it all, be it all, impress all. I certainly would have enjoyed them much more with a few more pizzas ordered. : )
Corinne says
so true. That first time is so hard, but only because we put so much pressure on ourselves.
Jennifer says
I don’t think people that don’t stay at home will ever get it. It is just so hard. But also? Your advice is spot on. It gets so much easier when you stop demanding so much of yourself.
erica says
I am in the throes of this right now! Some times I work so hard to get the baby to sleep… and he drops a shoe on the hardwood floor and I am all “GOSH!!!”
But really? I need to chill out.
adventuresindinner says
Ack! I too have a baby that doesn’t sleep. 19 months in and uninterrupted sleep is a rarity still.
It’s hard to just stop and enjoy the kiddos while the kitchen, house, husband, life still whirls around. I’m still learning-slowly.
Peg says
You are so right and I think that is the hardest advice for new moms to follow. The housework and everything else can wait. Your baby isn’t going to always be a baby! Relax and enjoy it while you can because before you know it they are TEENAGERS!
Paula Kiger says
Teenagers behind a STEERING WHEEL. Talk about irritability and inconsolable crying …… from the parent in the passenger seat!! (just kidding … sort of)
Feyella @Parentingsmh says
I think so many of us had this experience. It always felt like our husbands just didn’t have it as hard or were unable to understand the pressure we were under to do and be everything. Juggling the new responsibility of being a mom while still trying to keep up with the other things you did before is a pretty daunting task which I don’t think anyone can truly be prepared for. In the end. we get through it and thankfully learn some things along the way.
Runnermom-jen says
Aww, you poor thing. Great advice about ordering pizza…we don’t have to do it all!!
Jenny@flutterbyechronicles says
I am right there with you. If I could back I would tell myself to take a major chill pill. You name it I stressed about it. Little did I know he would grow so fast and I would feel like I missed out on stuff. Instead of spending time worrying about laundry and if food was on the table I should have been worrying about the fact he wasn’t going to be my baby forever.
Mrs. Jen B says
This is what I think my husband doesn’t get about having a baby. I was 11 and 15 when my sibs were born and I remember it all too well. I’m afraid that living with my father-in-law and the fact that he’s like a bull in a china shop is going to add a lot of extra pain to the situation. But he still thinks this is a good idea and it’ll all be peachy. Sigh…
MJ from iNeedaPlaydate says
My first was so easy compared to my second five years later and I am/was a complete wreck with her. sigh.
Maggie S. says
Very honest. Great photos. It’s so good for new moms to know that every one feels that way at one time or a lot of times.
Gaby says
I wish we knew with the first one what we come to understand with the second one, don’t you? I was so much more relaxed with my second one and thank God for that because he was a much more difficult baby. If he had come first I would have gone insane. Great pictures!
Arnebya @whatnowandwhy says
Those cheeks!
If I could go back, the slow down, leave the dishes and laundry and enjoy the baby would be at the forefront.
Lisa says
Man, mine are 12 and 7 now and there are still nights when I think, ‘it’s never going to get better than this, sit down and order a pizza’. And I truly don’t think men will ever get that raising a child is work unless they are the ones doing it.
Marie says
This post made me want to cry and laugh all at the same time. I, too, worked hard to be the “perfect” first time mom and wife. Three years later, it seems silly. If I had relaxed a bit, maybe I would have enjoyed Murray a bit more. Now, I’m pretty laid back. Remind me of this when we have the next one.
Jessica says
I had two colicky babies, who puked every where, every day who refused to breastfeed. I promised myself I would be way more relaxed with my second after seeing how quickly they grow with my first, but I wasn’t. In fact, I think I was even more annoyed with the colic the second time around because I thought it was really unfair I had TWO with it. And acid reflux too? I mean – c’mon! Everyone promised me that wouldn’t happen. Where were those people at 3am?? Anyhoo – I’m not a baby person either. I love to dress them up, kiss them all day, and take a millions pics. Screw bottles every 2 hours. Bring on the toddler years. WAY more fun :)
Funkidivagirl says
Such good advice! They really do grow so fast and all that other stuff doesn’t even matter.
Cyn & Co. says
It took me three weeks to realize that eating take out wouldn’t kill us if it meant less crying and more sleep.
I think new dads are more terrified than us moms and being oblivious is easier than taking part and having to take on that responsibility. But, my hubby managed to figure it out……eventually.
amber says
When I went back to work at 3 months, my hub took a month off to be with our daughter. After that? He totally got it.
Lisa Taylor says
Great Advice!
I was able to link up a post to one of the prompts, but not a second: http://www.neebeep.com/itsownsweetwillneebeepc/2011/09/disappear.html Which is kinda weird! As far as I can see the linkups have stopped at #69. Is something weird going on??
I always *love* participating in your prompts & linkups!
~Lisa
Jen says
Amen! This needs to be slapped into every single new mother.
Relax.
The baby stuff, that is the easy stuff.
tori nelson says
Chill out is just about the best mom advice I’ve ever heard :) Great post!
morgan says
There were a lot of motherhood myths I had to debunk when my first came home … one was that I could do it all. Another was that my baby would sleep. Tough lessons.
Gina says
I have been saying for the longest time that I wanted to start doing these writing prompt, but never did. Finally, I decided to go for it.
Jenn says
Oh, I wish all the time that I could have given myself that advice, but seriously, when you are THAT sleep deprived, you really don’t think rationally.
And yes, I was like that with both my kids.
Gigi says
I sooooo wish I could go back; especially knowing what I know now!
As the mom of a “big boy” (say about 16; almost 17!); I can say, without a doubt, it DOES go by fast!! Too fast. Enjoy (or try too anyway) each stage as it comes.
I loved this post!
Erin says
Ohhhh I did that with my 2nd, he would NOT allow me to put him down, so I had a 18 month old running between my legs, holding this 3 month old who refused to be put down while trying to cook over a hot stove….this couldn’t be safe could it?
Reviewer11 says
Yikes! That’s a lot of stress! :O
Aww, Maile looks beautiful! :)
Ginny Marie says
I definitely wish someone had told me that with my first baby! Oh, wait…someone did…it was my mom! She always gave me the best advice. :)
Nicole @MTDLBlog says
This is so true. I’m actually at a friend’s house who just had her first baby and she’s going through all the ebbs and flows of the newborn phase and it sure does bring back some memories. :-)
Kim @ The Family Practice says
I’m really happy that all morning I have been checking back to see who else has posted – my entry continues to be the last one #101. JUST now realized that it is FRIDAY and everyone else was on the boat YESTERDAY. I’m just late to the party and totally oblivious. The things motherhood does to my brain….I swear.. :)
Ludicrous Mama says
Just last night I wanted to strangle my herd of elephants… I mean husband as I tried to lay perfectly still and breathe quietly so my 3-year-old might go back to sleep after waking up from being transferred to bed from the car. He even flipped the hallway light switch deafeningly loudly… or so it seemed. I was like “CAN’T YOU JUST SIT ON THE STAIRS AND QUIETLY READ A FRICKIN’ BOOK FOR 15 MINUTES? MUST you feed the cats, go up and down the stairs 52 times to unload the car, and FLIP THAT FREAKISHLY LOUD LIGHT SWITCH – right NOW?” Luckily for him, I had changed into my PJs, so I didn’t have my phone on me to text him into oblivion. :)
But also luckily, my hubby understands how much work raising a child is. His attitude is that if he’d have to pay someone else to do it, IT’S A JOB, and gets the same amount of respect as his own job, despite the grossly unfair lack of pay. Really, I’m the one who’s the problem, since after working all day, the second he comes home, I clock out, so he’s “working” again until bedtime. :)
Kim says
My first daughter was definitely the hardest one for me to raise. That first year was pretty much all colicky screams and cries 24/7, but as a new mom I didn’t know what else to do but to throw my entire self into being a mom. Now looking back I wish I had just accepted the situation and relaxed more. But I was frantic to try and get her to stop crying, to get her to sleep and how the click of a door or the drop of a spoon would wake her up after it took me 80 minutes to get her to sleep… it was exhausting. Maybe all first time moms feel this way, but I’ve seen so many who on the outside appear to have it all together so much better than I did.
JDaniel4's Mom says
I wish I had said the same thing. I was so tired when JDaniel was a baby.
Amanda says
Oh, the arguing. I just don’t think the guys get it how hard it is staying home with the babies and waking up every single night for months on end with the never ending job. But the kisses and snuggling with cute babies are worth it…when they are not screaming. I’m just about out of those days with my twins. I didn’t think the one would ever get done with the acid reflux and power puking. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!
Leighann says
You are so right!
If I could go back I wouldn’t read any of those baby books or worry about cleaning.
I would just focus on her.