I told my husband we should have a baby. I find I resort to this chatter when things seem too calm. I’m accustomed to functioning at a certain level of chaos at all times. What is this sleeping through the night business? What is this “buckling yourselves into your own seats” thing? It’s time to mix things up!
My husband, however, is standing firm on his conviction that three kids is plenty for us and he will not be coaxed into a fourth. Typically I’m able to manipulate people into giving me what I want if I want it bad enough, but I’m finding the “Let’s have another baby” waters trickier to navigate than I had anticipated.
These have been my arguments for why we should have a baby so far:
We Owe the World.
Our kids are beautiful…a fourth child would only make the world a prettier place.
Even Numbers.
With three kids one will always be left out and the child who feels left out will ALWAYS tag along with Mom and Dad. Do we WANT Kainoa to live with us until he’s 40?
Hundred of Lives Lie in Our Hands.
That 4th child could mean fostering generations of family members. What if he/she grows up to have 6 kids? And then they all have 6 kids…and so on and so forth. Whether or not an entire extension of our family even comes into existence will be determined by a simple yes or no to that 4th child. How can we deny these people LIFE!?!
Babies Get Easier…Eventually…Kinda….Just Ssshhh.
Sure those first few years are tough but they go by SO fast! I barely even remember losing my mind over crying babies! What dirty diapers? What temper tantrums? What bottles? Just look how adorable they are!
Our Future Rides On This Child
Our 4th child could grow up to be the next Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber. They might make millions of dollars and the first thing kids do when they make millions is set their mothers up in mansions. We wouldn’t have to worry about money ever again.
Pat has a retort for every scenario I throw at him. For that last one he said “Or they could grow up to be a drug addict and drain our life savings”. I had NO comeback for this other than, “…we have a life savings?”
He’s quick. And good. And NOT budging in the baby department.
I need a new approach…suggestions?
Stasha says
Wine, and lots of it.
Marie says
Stasha,
You hit the nail on the head. Wine. Vodka. Beer. Whatever it takes.
When we had our first, I was literally pregnant the week we started trying (could have the fact that we were in Hawaii – WAIT – THERE’S THE ANSWER! Book a trip to visit his family, ply him with several Tropical Itches and get busy).
Hmmm…after a year of trying for baby number two, maybe I’ll follow my own advice. :)
-MM
Mama Kat says
Let’s add a Roofie to the equation and I think you may be on to something!
Salena Lee @ A Little Piece of Me says
LOL!! you crack me up!! :)
Salena Lee @ A Little Piece of Me says
LOL!! you crack me up!! :)
Wiley says
There’s always random freakish chance. I say this being in the position of being currently pregnant with twins that were conceived while I had an IUD in place. (though this is a risky route as the miscarriage rate is so high).
Also, reading a book called selfish reasons to have more kids. Maybe it will give you some more ideas!
Daddy Scratches says
I’m with Pat. Sorry.
In fact, I stopped at two.
Tell Pat the pain of a vasectomy is brief and fleeting compared to raising another child.
Probably not the advice you were looking for. ;)
Brandi. says
Sorry, wish I could offer some advice, but I’m still not sure how I convinced my husband to have #3! #4 is a complete mystery to me!!!
Dana says
Wait, can you rent one?
GRAMPS says
When my five kids finished having babies, I volunteered to hold babies at the hospital.
I am rather weird!!!!!
angie says
I heart Pat. And, I heart your last retort. Totally made me laugh.
Arnebya @whatnowandwhy says
I’m with Stasha. There’s nothing wine can’t do (or vodka. Definitely vodka). I’ve told my husband that I’m having the IUD removed in January. He said no more, three’s enough. I said I feel incomplete without a fourth. He said he is incomplete without his mind, which the three have stolen. And then…then I said, “It’s MY body! I’m not going to take this bureaucratic bullshit.” I think he’s still thinking of a comeback for that one.
Vanessa Jubis says
What a great way to ‘justify’ a 4th! Ha! I loved every point. As a matter of fact, my hubby and I were talking about a 4th baby on our date night this weekend. I’d really love a 4th but ALL THE WORK is what gives me a sad face. The chaos with 3 kiddos is unreal… I get you though ;)
Vanessa
Mama to 3 inspiring daughters
christine says
Trying to come up with some good points… but I think yours are all great. Um, your fourth child could be the person to cure cancer/parkinsons/{insert disease here}.
But (lean in closer) tell me, oh tell me, how did you convince your husband to have a third?
MJ says
Yep. Wine is key.
And is that one of your kids in the photo with you? If so, how did you look so good with a newborn? I look rather tragic in the pics I have with my kids at that age…
Kristen says
So – I’m going with everyone else and saying booze. Easiest choice.
Also – the barder system? Offer something for a baby? Like… if you give me a baby – then I will give you …. One night a month to yourself.
Or… How-a-bout holding out? Can you hold out? Or … at least pretend to? How committed is he?
Ludicrous Mama says
Umm… well, you guys will probably have to have a lot of sex to make a new baby, right? Most guys LIKE sex. And by ‘like,’ I mean think about it almost obsessively 99% of the time.
Plus, according to my friend and her chaos theory of kids, two kids is 3-times the work (versus one,) three kids is 10-times the work… 4th kid hardly gets noticed in the shuffle! :)
Jen says
Just go get a baby from the library. There are always a lot of babies there.
Tracy P. says
This should be in the “Reasons Why I Love My Husband” series. Really. Jen, you might be onto something! I wonder if those moms bring their babies there hoping someone will check them out. What a great system. Kat gets her baby fix, baby mom gets a breather, and two hours later they both return to what they REALLY want. Brilliant.
Kristin says
I tend to get baby fever about every 5 or so years. The first time this happened my dear sweet future husband got me a male chihuahua to go with my female (not to breed of course, just cause I NEEDED something to take care of). 5yrs later I said, “honey, it’s a baby or another dog.” 9mo. later I had the little boy :). Little boy is currently 4yrs old, he’ll be in school next year! I told future husband that I want another baby or a dog, he got me a dog and told me “no more babies!!” lol.
Carolyn says
I vote wine :)
Run with Jess says
Absolutely perfect post! I’m having the same debate with my hubby right now… #3 is on the block. Seriously, why do they have to be so difficult and stubborn about it? I can’t even coax him into sex – he thinks I’m trying to “sneak one by”! LOL!
Sunday Stilwell says
I don’t suppose you have tried getting him good and liquored up when his defenses are down (but NOT other things, ahem)?
Just a thought.
Jen says
I have the opposite problem. I want two…maybe three…and the Hubs wants a bazillion (or like 4 or 5). He is also one of four brothers in his family. And I have this random gut feeling that because of that all of my kids will be boys. Just thinking about it makes me tired…thanks for the therapy session;)
Andy says
I can only hope you will be the Chosen Couple that gets to spawn the next Taylor Bieber mashup baby. It will sing about heartbreak until the end of time. And collect the resulting royalties.
S Club Mama says
I totally hear ya, Kathy. I had THE most vivid dream I’ve ever had the other night about being pregnant. I could literally FEEL this child (a girl) moving inside my stomach. Heart wrenching.
XLMIC says
I did that. Convinced my husband that us having a 4th would be a good thing. But I think what really got him was when I pointed out that for HIM it would mean double digits. Yeah, he has 10 kids. What’s one more? LOL
Honestly, 4 is not easier than 3. Wouldn’t trade it for anything, but I’m finding 4 to be pretty challenging.
Laurie F. says
Oops? I don’t know what birth control you are using but there are ways and you can’t always count on those things……not that I am telling you to do that because of course I am not. I miss babies, the closest I have to them is hoping for grandchildren as my children are 17 and 19 (just not yet).
Danielle says
Could you take on a newborn in the daycare? I know it’s not the same, but the baby would go home every night and come back every morning all week long, then you would get a weekend break! Sounds like baby heaven to me! Other than that, tell your husband this last baby could be the one that takes care of you all in your old age.
Kate Wilke says
Get pregnant “by accident” while on birth control …. like I did w/my 3rd : )
Momma says
Get him drunk and take advantage of him…………………..
a Book for My Daughter says
I don’t have any advice as I stopped at two, and made my husband get a vasectomy just to be certain we were done. I LOVE babies, but there is something joyous about having them grow up. I did love the suggestions you were given—there must be something in there you could use!
Jen says
Another selling point: your older kids can help take care of the baby. You can teach them valuable life skills like feeding, burping, and diapering a baby!
Nanette of HeartBabyHome says
When we decided to have a fourth child…..we ended up with twins! Have you tried twins yet? they’re all the rage !
Marta says
I want a fourth too, granted I don’t have the third yet but I’m already thinking ahead since I was told three is the max. If you figure it out, you’ll definitely have to let me know!
Aunt Debra says
Ummm SUPER easy. Number 4 is volleyball team. Duh.
Nicole {at} Modern Style Mama says
WINE only works if you’re the one drinking it, well unless Pat likes wine. Maybe a few beers, maybe an oops. My last 2 were a bit of an oops. Beleive me it only takes one time. It took forever (0ver a year) to get pregnant the first time and 4 months the second. My third and fourth were one little mess up of the pill. It does happen. Who what of thought?…NOT me! You could be a little careless along with some beer and wine! Well unless the birth control is in his department. Four kiddos is busy, chaotic, fun, and a bit crazy, but not a whole lot different that having four. You are already outnumbered. :) Good luck mama!
Nicole {at} Modern Style Mama says
I mean not a whole lot different than having three. sorry…apparently I have more oops moments than I thought! :)
Shell says
I tried to use the odd # argument to have a fourth. Like what about when we go to an amusement park? Someone always has to ride with mom or dad and then one of us is left sitting out.
But, a snip-snip stopped that argument. I can’t think of anything I could say to get him to reverse that!
Kim says
Women like myself are struggling to get pregnant with the first one. I’d say be happy and thrilled you were blessed with three and leave it at that.
Mama Kat says
Oh Kim, I am SO blessed and thrilled with my three. And so sorry you’re struggling. But when you do have your baby/ies I would never ask you to stop thinking about continuing to build the family you dream of.
Kim says
I do my best to keep a sense of humor and not be uptight but making jokes about being deceitful enough to get the hubby drunk in an attempt to get pregnant is just low. It is funny to an extent but based off the comments on here it just makes me think so many women are incredibly selfish and don’t really care if their husband wants another baby. It’s all about what they want and that’s final.
Whatever. Carry on ladies.
Mama Kat says
Oh sheesh…I can guarantee you no woman on here has ever tricked her husband into having a baby by getting him drunk. Careful manipulation and trickery? Sure!
But never drugs or alcohol.
That’s just low.
Kim says
Even careful manipulation and trickery is low. Gives the impression his feelings don’t matter or matter very little.
Jackie says
Kim,
I have an only child who is age 6 and I cannot get pregnant due to extreme medical issues which would place me in a very high-risk category. Sure, I guess I *can* get pregnant in that (presumably, at least) all the parts are in working order but I *can’t* because I can’t justify the possibility of my son losing his mother.
I am happy and blessed to have my son, more than I can ever put into words. Wanting another child does not lessen my feelings for the child that I do have. It simply means that I sometimes feel that my family is not complete, much like I’m sure you feel your family is not complete now.
Physically, I’m done. Emotionally? I’m not so sure.
My desire to have another child (which is something I struggle with, as light-heartedly explained in my post below) takes nothing away from my son. It does not mean that I feel he is not “enough.” It simply means that when we’re at a restaurant and are seated at a table with four chairs, and I go to place my purse in that empty seat, I sometimes stop and get sad because I feel like there’s a member of my family that should be there, but isn’t and that might not ever be.
When a woman desires to add to her family, she desires to add to her family. Period. That doesn’t necessarily mean that she isn’t “thrilled and blessed” with her life. It simply means that she wants to add to those blessings, that’s all. A desire to add another member is not meant to subtract from the joy the present members give you; it means you want to add to THEIR lives too–to their love, to their companionship, to their sense of family, etc.
I don’t think we should stop sympathizing with those who can’t get pregnant (either physically or for other reasons) simply because they already have one, or two, or three children. The fundamental feeling is the same–it’s that yearning for another soul to share your life with, it’s another connection with a unique individual (one that’s no less unique simply because three others came before him), it’s another person at the dinner table, it’s another dream–both for yourself and for that person yet-to-be.
Women aren’t less entitled to these feelings just because they’ve been fortunate enough to have a child (or two or three.) Your comment seems to imply that. I know it’s hard not to be bitter. (I have a WHOLE story I could get into as to why my health problems “shouldn’t” have happened to me and blahblahblah.) But just recognize that we’re all women here. And again, wanting to ADD to your family is not taking away from the family you have already–it’s still just simple addition, much as the first child is, only this time you’re adding another sister or brother for your child, another possibility of your child becoming an aunt or an uncle, his/her kids having cousins, etc.
It’s no less justified. It’s no less real. And trust me, it hurts NO less.
I wish you the best on your journey to motherhood, and I hope that when you become a mother and you get ready for number two that no woman dilutes your hopes and dreams for your family by making you feel like you’re being ungrateful for the child(ren) you do have simply by wanting to add to the love you’ve already been blessed with.
All the best,
Jackie
Kim says
1. My husband and I want only one child. We were raised as only children and are content with only one if and when that time comes.
2. It’s fine for a woman to be interested in 2, 3, 4+ kids. What I don’t like and I find rather cruel and deceptive is even remotely suggesting tricking a spouse into having another child that person is not interested in at the time.
Even joking about such a thing reeks of selfishness and lack of consideration for the other person. I can guarantee that if the husband were demanding or suggesting tricking his wife into another baby she didn’t want, people would be in an uproar. But I guess it’s only okay to suggest, joke, or remotely consider deceptive behavior when the woman says it.
As for bitterness, nope. Not bitter. Just a bit irritated at some of the mindsets of my own gender.
Jayme says
When I was ready for #5 and the husband wasn’t, I told him that I was going off of birth control (I’d been on the pill) and that if he really didn’t want more kids, he could deal with protection. He came around pretty fast. I was surprised.
Nicole DeZarn says
We have four but we used to be foster parents and have had as many as 6 for short periods of time. If your car holds everyone, after 2–3, 4, 5, … the difference in workload is negligible. Sounds crazy but it’s true. Try this logic, it could work. However, my husband really put his foot down at 4, so, there you go;)
Mimzy Wimzy says
Girl, you are preaching to the choir! I turned 40, today! My children are 21, 19 and 5 days from being 18. My 19yr old is 3 days overdue with my 1st granddaughter. My 21yr old is due in August. I’m convinced my ’18’yr old will live with us until we die. What are we seriously looking into??? Fostering to adopt!!! My uterus is freaking out! When I see a baby it tries to reach out like some alien, grab the baby & suck it in! Possession is 9/10ths of the law, right? Some people are just meant to be moms. They are just built to always have littles ones around them. My Aunt is 60 with 5 grown children, a few grandchildren and has 4 adopted sons ages 7, 8, 10 & 12. Its what she was meant to do. I NEED a baby!!!! I have a full nursery set up for my Granddaughter!
Kisatrtle says
Um…have you considered just walking around naked? My husband will do anything if naked is invovled. Just a thought
MangoChutney says
Yea sure, ur sanity isn’t all yet depleted, it’s important to do that;)
Carol says
Try puppies and kittens. They don’t require a sitter when you go out for the evening. And they don’t talk back – at least not as much as kids tend to.
Tonya says
Get him drunk and have at him. :) Good luck.
Lauren says
Just tell him you need a few of his best swimmers and you’ll take care of the rest. ;)
Anna says
My husband was tricked into every single one of my three kids. You have total control here!
And – if you have 4 kids – then no one ever expects something of you ever again. You look like hell? Well – you have FOUR kids! Your house is a mess? Of course it is! You have FOUR kids! Your kids are acting like terrorists at the grocery store? No kidding they are – there are FOUR of them!
People will be nicer to you and more understanding when you have a 4th! GO FOR IT!
Jackie says
Good grief, can I relate!
We have the one kiddo and my body semi (okay, totally) hates me so having another one via the good ole fashion way can’t happen for us. I’m way too high risk. But we’ve jumped on and off the adoption wagon so many times I can’t even count. :/
When I’m stressed (aka when things are normal) I’m fine. Baby who? What’s a bay-bee? Is that how you pronounce it? Who cares. I have too much to do to worry about these tiny little humans at the moment.
But as soon as the calm happens that’s when the, “OOOHH, a BABY! Yes, I know what those are and I want, no… NEED one,” moments happen.
For me, it’s any time I’m in between semesters of law school and my son hasn’t been too big of a brat for a while (kidding, he’s always a brat — double kidding, he’s perfect) that I find myself aching for something. It’s like an itch I just can’t scratch. And oye does it need scratched!!
I know deep down, I do want another child. But, this insane things-are-too-calm kinda way is what really stirs it up for me. And I have the same thoughts trying to rationalize it in my mind. (Side Note: Our poor, poor husbands.)
It’s nice knowing that you have these moments too even though you have three children. Sometimes I try to convince myself I wouldn’t feel this way if I didn’t have an only child; that this feeling would magically disappear forever if I had more than one. But you’re right, having another one would probably scratch my itch for a little while just because of the newfound chaos that comes with a newborn but I doubt the itch would go away forever.
Maybe Mrs. Duggar is the same way but her husband just doesn’t know how to tell her no.