How to train a Husband

January 29, 2012 · 33 comments

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When I agreed to become the matriarch of our household by marrying my husband I did not know this meant I would be in charge of all things household related. I wasn’t prepared to be the finder of all things, or the cleaner of all things, or the cooker of all things. I did not know about man colds or man caves or the brutal honesty men bring to the table.

I know now.

I’ve been married for nearly 32 dog years and have felt every passing hour of it. I have learned many things on this very long, long, road and I feel it my duty to pass along tips to help women everywhere learn how to train a husband and ensure a happy marriage :

1. Your Husband loves Biscuits!
Like an eager Labrador Retriever, your husband too works best when rewarded with biscuits. Only his biscuits might come in the form of video games, drinks with his buddies, or a nice steak dinner. A good trainer understand what motivates her husband and must use the reward system to motivate him to do her bidding. Note: Sex must be used sparingly and only in the most dire of scenarios. Training your husband to expect ‘whoopie’ for every job well done is a disaster in the making.

2. Your Husband can Cook!!!
Your husband might make things like cooking and laundry and child rearing seem hard. He will burn food, put things in wrong places and dress your child in leather catsuits. These ‘fails’ are ploys to make you believe your husband is incapable of completing said tasks so that you will stop asking him to participate. Call his bluff and continue to boost his ego for his efforts or forever accept your fate as the only person capable of properly caring for these items.

3. Your Husband is the Decision Maker!
Men don’t like to feel backed into corners. They like to be the decision makers. Your job as his trainer is to make him feel like he’s the one making decisions. Instead of saying, “I need you to watch the kids today so I can go shopping” you say “Do you want to take all of the kids to the mall with me today or should I just go alone?” He gets to make his manly decision on the matter and you? My dear. Are going shopping either way.

4. Your Husband is always Right…
That’s a joke. We all know the man of the family wants to be in charge, but based on his biological make up I can tell you this just isn’t possible.  We both know your husband is full of it, but it’s important to build up that ego if you want him to be happy. Remember, a happy man is much easier to train than a cranky one so this step is important. Every now and again say things like “That is so interesting! I never thought of it like that!” or “Good point honey, you’re always spot on!” It doesn’t matter what he’s talking about, just say it for the sake of his ego.

5. Your husband is SO strong!!
The more often you express this the more determined he will be to own it. “Honey, have you been working out?? You are sooo strong! Can you take this recycling out for me? Can you bring these baskets of laundry upstairs? Will you hold the baby…my arms are beginning to shake with fatigue!?!” You see where I’m going with this. The stronger your husband believes he is the less physical labor you’ll be expected to do. Win.

With these five key elements in place you can bet your husband will be well trained in no time and your years together might be tolerable. Take it from me…the 32 dog years of work I’ve put into training my husband has resulted in an extremely happy and satisfying marriage.

Now you’ll excuse me…I have some shopping to do.

Mama Kat Loves You When You Love Her



{ 33 comments }

Crystal January 29, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Hilarious! You have hit the bulls eye…. I can relate

June Freaking Cleaver January 29, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Your husband needs to get regular “atta boys” when he completes a task, no matter how mundane. No different from saying “Good boy!” to the dog.

Jessica January 29, 2012 at 10:36 pm

HAHA! Thanks for the tips. We’ve only been married for 14 dog years, so Im still training. However, I learned early on that giving him “whoopie” for every job well done, only does me more harm than good :)

Jessica January 29, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Great post! I’m not married but I’ll keep these in mind for when the time comes. Thanks for sharing!

Hope you had a wonderful weekend.

Alicia January 29, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I can relate to most of them. My husband does all the cooking in our house. If he didn’t we’d be eating Ramen noodles every night. He also does the laundry. The decision making thing is my department as well. He continuously asks “What do you think” or “Where do you want to go.” He even asks which road he should take while he’s driving. Still love this post!!

Karen and Gerard January 30, 2012 at 3:20 am

Great list of good tips here. I especially like number 3.

tracy@sellabitmum January 30, 2012 at 4:27 am

So awesome. I’m sending my husband right over as I’ve completely given up.

Tina January 30, 2012 at 5:05 am

baaahahahahahhahaaa!!!! LOVE IT

Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] January 30, 2012 at 6:12 am

I often use training tip #5. It comes in handy since I physically can’t carry those laundry baskets . . . lol

I think someone needs to come up with a “hubby snacks” instead of scooby snacks. They’d be millionaires. :P

Mrs. Wonder January 30, 2012 at 7:56 am

I wrote a training guide way back in college for my creative writing class… This is so the married version.
Man, number 4 is a hard one. I hate to relinquish to him the “I’m right” crown.

Jennifer January 30, 2012 at 8:00 am

In almost 22 people years I’ve learned one very valuable thing, let him do it his way. Yes it is hard. No it may not always be done to perfection (your way), but he is more likely to chip in and help out if you stand back and let him do it the way he wants. This is especially valuable information when it comes to dishwasher loading, diaper changing, and kid bathing.

Tracy P. January 30, 2012 at 8:50 am

Good points, all of them, Mama Kat. You’re always spot on! ;-) Thanks for the good chuckle this morning.

Laurie Fessler January 30, 2012 at 9:01 am

I think the trick is to let him THINK it was all his idea. Basically you are just rewording what YOU WANT into Mary Tyler Moore type musings. Works every time…..married 23 years. Love, Laurie

Debra January 30, 2012 at 9:02 am

You’re like the husband whisperer!

Nic January 30, 2012 at 9:11 am

I loved your post. Very clever and sound advice!

mia January 30, 2012 at 9:32 am

I was just telling a coworker to expect her husband to do things incorrectly so he can get out of them in the future. (I’m a “Debbie Downer” like that.) Great post, hilarious.

Shanáe January 30, 2012 at 11:06 am

LOVE THIS! You always seem to brighten my day…especially days like this where the hubby thinks he needs a 3 hr nap. For doing WHAT, I dont know yet.
Think I might have to post something about Living With The ReTired… /:

MJ January 30, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Very funny, and oh, so true. Compared to the stronger sex, men are quite simple creatures and rather uncomplicated.

Deb Menard January 30, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Having been married for 189 dog years, I’m well-versed in these steps. I also like to use the “Your *stir-fry* (insert appropriate meal name here – they’re all interchangeable) always has a better taste than mine does” to get out of the cooking for a night or 4; depending on how squirrely I phrase it. I actually stumbled across this one accidentally when I was sick early on in our marriage and wanted a cup of hot tea. A little batting of eye lashes and soft spoken “honey, I really don’t feel well and your tea is so good; would you mind” was all it took. I then perfected it from there.
Also, I sometimes like to throw out the old tried and true, “My back hurts so bad from sitting in this darned office chair all day. Do you mind doing the vacuuming?” That one may seem like pushing the envelope, but this particular hubby falls for it every time. Like, EVERY.TIME.

Mrs. Jen B January 30, 2012 at 12:19 pm

You’re brilliant.

Reminds me of how my husband “helped me” with laundry yesterday so I could get writing done. He washed my clothes (very nice of him), folded them (even my work pants, sigh)…and left them sitting on the sofa. They were still there this morning (I deliberately left them there to see what would happen). Last night he said “I didn’t get much done today but at least I made your day a little easier, I hope”. Of course I told him he did. My tongue still hurts from biting it, but…

Life As Wife January 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Best part? “Your husband loves biscuits!”

Kara Shepherd January 30, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Needed this today! I’ve been married 112 dog years AND my husband has a man cold right now. I’m ready to shoot myself in the foot for a hospital stay. Accept then I’d have to come home and clean up after everyone. I’ve never tried the ‘It’s your decision’ route before but I am so using that!

Tonya January 30, 2012 at 2:59 pm

It’s scary how much I relate!

Bekah January 30, 2012 at 3:43 pm

So true! We recently had the argument in which hubs acuses me of thinking he is stupid. I say, Of course not, honey…but you’re the one who swears you can’t fold laundry!!

Jen January 30, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I do believe that you have just taken on a brand new fabulous job… marriage counselor.

Via January 30, 2012 at 4:38 pm

100% true. I use “can you bring the laundry basket up? it’s too heavy for me this week” all the time. It serves two purposes: makes him feel “manly” even though we both secretly know I could beat him up if I wanted to, and I also don’t have to carry the laundry. Win/win.

meleah rebeccah January 30, 2012 at 5:18 pm

This cracked me the fuck up!

Adrienne January 30, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Love #3! And the biscuit thing? hilarious. My husband prefers his biscuits in the form of bud light! :)

becca January 30, 2012 at 6:27 pm

this was Hilarious! and so true

Susan in the Boonies January 30, 2012 at 9:06 pm

I foresee a new career for you:

The Husband Whisperer

Have you tried the “meet him at the door dressed in only Saran Wrap” technique? I’ve heard it’s effective, but sweaty.

Tiffany January 31, 2012 at 3:58 am

You nailed it!

Scarlett January 31, 2012 at 6:29 am

Complicated, that’s what *we* are.
Men ~ they just want you to stop moving your mouth, so they can get back to that nap they’ve been thinking about since breakfast.

*133 dog years… in the flesh.

Harry: “You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?”
Sally: “Is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?”
Harry: “Yes.”
Sally: “Who is the dog?”
Harry: “You are.”
Sally: “I am. I am the dog. I am the dog.”

Idgit.

Love! my mornings with Mama Kat!

david July 21, 2012 at 11:12 pm

As a submissive husband, i had to laugh as i went thru the article..how true! my wife has me trained and wrapped around her finger! i love serving her and being the best obedient and loving husband i can be.

david

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