Let’s pretend your girlfriend’s husband is cheating on her…would you tell?
I think my response is probably less popular, but I’m not changing it:
(Video here)
Look, I love my friends. Love love love them! But, inserting myself into their private issues is not something I look forward to doing. Personally, if my husband cheated one night and it was a one time thing and he felt terrible…I wouldn’t want to know about it. It would ruin our marriage for sure.
The only way I would tell my friend her husband was cheating on her is if:
1. It’s an ongoing affair…in which case, I would pull him aside and force him to tell her.
OR
2. She has told me she would want me to tell her.
Otherwise? I’m staying out of it!
What would you do?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
This is an interesting question. For me, it would depend on the friend, what I know about their marriage and their relationship with their spouse. Honestly, I don’t think I could answer this question fully without having it happen. I guess in the end, I don’t know what I would do, and I’d have to see what my gut said when it happened.
Its funny…2 years ago, I would have answered this question exactly the way you did. Until I saw my best friend’s entire life fall apart because of a cheating husband. I did not know of it, so I did not have the option of telling her. But…somebody who has an ongoing affair has been living a lie and oftentimes other things that seemed unthinkable become thinkable. The affair is often just the tip of the iceberg. (ANd no, having an affair is NOT the worst thing you could do to your spouse. Not even close!)
Now, knowing what I know, I’d tell a friend as soon as possible. It may save her a ton of heartache in the future.
I kind of agree with you. I don’t want to me be in the middle of friend’s business. I have been put in the middle of family memeber’s business and it is not fun.
Also, I think it should be the cheater who tells. So I would probably confront the cheater and make them tell. That is involved as I would like to get.
That is a hard one. I would probably tell if the friend were very close to me. Or I would write an anonymous letter or something so she would find out.
I totally agree with you! I would definitely not get involved in someone else’s marriage…I’ve seen that end badly too many times to go there.
Oh gosh, I just don’t know. It would really all depend on the moment. I might stay out of it with one of my besties right now but the other one I might have to get involved, so also depends on the person. One I know would kill the messenger and one would celebrate the truthfullness. I like the anonymous letter thing, that has possibilities for sure. Hmmm, food for thought for sure.
I don’t know what I’d do in this situation honestly and I know if I found out that my hubby cheated it would strain us. But in that same aspect I don’t think mine could keep it a secret. Eventually it would come out. So I have no clue.
Very hard call to make and so difficult. My brother, many decades ago had to tell our other brother that his wife was having an affair with his best friend. The lovers married and have lived happily but the stain remains with those hurt.
I would tell. And I would want to know, pretty much the very second someone found out. And I would be upset if someone knew and didn’t tell me. I would never blame “the bearer of bad news” unless they were the one doing the cheating with him.
Even if something is a one time thing (and how would I know, just because I only saw it once doesn’t mean it only happened once) I would still tell because a woman that thinks she is in a monogamous relationship has a right to know if her man’s car has been parking in another garage before she lets her own door up again. What if she contracted something? Yick. I couldn’t never forgive myself.
I think I would tell. And I hope to God I am NEVER in that situation.
By the way, you look really pretty in this. Was your hair wet?
I’ve always struggled with this one. One the one hand, if it was happening to me, I’d want to know. On the other hand, I know the typical response is kill the messenger. I guess it would depend on the friend and the relationship and how much I’d want to risk losing it.
Wouldn’t it just be easier if people didn’t cheat? Or were discreet enough that we’d never have to find out about in and put in that situation? Sigh.
I don’t know!!!
I really don’t.
Probably, I’d talk to the guy.
Would I want a friend to tell me about my husband?
I THINK so. Oh, gosh. That’s a HARD QUESTION!
I guess it would depend on a LOT of factors.
Hope I never have to decide.
Easy answer for me, “I will tell her”. But, I won’t insist on the subject. I won’t decide for her. I won’t judge any of them.
By me “not” saying anything is not solving their personal issues. I, as the witness, do not need to live with that information in my head.
I don’t want to be in the middle either, but if she’s a good friend, yes, I’d tell because I’d want her to tell me if the shoe were on the other foot.
I would tell if it was my dear, bestest friend. No matter what.
Such a hard dilemma! I’ve enjoyed reading the answers. I tend to agree with staying out of people’s business but I can also see in certain cases it might benefit the person to know. No one told me about my husband’s extracurricular activities but I knew something was wrong. I was desperately trying to keep the marriage together but when I found out what was really going on and the extent of his extracurricular activities I did a complete 180. Had I known sooner what was going on I would not have spent so much time trying to save the marriage and would have spent a bit more time looking for an attorney! lol But honestly it’s a tough call!!
I’ve personally had this experience, where my friends husband was cheating and I told her. It was not my job to do anything after that point, but to be a sounding board for her. I did take the risk of her being upset with me, but better that than her ever finding out and being resentful for me knowing and not saying something. I would want my friend to do the same for me. As a matter of fact, Ive even had an experience where it wasn’t infidelity, but something that devastated me, and not one person in my social circle told me. They all knew about it, and hid it from me. I was so hurt. That’s when you realize who your true friends are. Too may people in society have the mentality that, ” I dont want to get involved crap.” Thats total bullshit, and a lack of empathy, sort of like, ” that’s not my problem”. Living in fear is what that is.
Why in the world would you not want to know if your husband cheated! A bit absurd, in my opinion. That to me shows a lack of respect for yourself.
I wouldn’t want to know because I know I would end our marriage. I would never get over it. As far as I’m concerned he could just live with the guilt for the rest of his life and spare me that pain…it would be the least he could do to make up for the terrible mistake he made. Not sure how that has anything to do with self respect. More like self preservation if you ask me.
I would tell her if it was ongoing, like you said. If the husband showed absolutely no remorse when i told him I knew, then he’s a jerk and doesn’t deserve my friend anyway!
Having been cheated on, if one of my friends knew and didn’t tell me, I’d not only be getting divorced but I’d be one less friend as well.
I don’t know. I hope I would tell, because I know I would want to be told in the same situation. I hope I never, ever have to find out how I would handle this…
Lots of interesting comments… isn’t the wife the last one to know??? Maybe she just needs “the proof”???? If they are cheating, they are probably pretty good at lying too.
That would truly suck. I think I’m with you though and would go to him and make him tell her.
I would NOT tell under ANY circumstances. And I do NOT want anyone telling me if my husband is cheating or has cheated or is thinking about cheating.
I can’t say I’d know what I’d actually do if ever in this situation unless it happened. I can’t imagine I’d like to tell. How awful that would feel. It’s a tough call. I think you’re idea about talking to the man and making him go tell his wife is the best option … unless he doesn’t listen.