Maile came home from school on Friday and was all, “well Mom…I have bad news and I have bad news…”
After welling up in tears on and off throughout the day every time I thought about the classroom of Kindergartners that had been so tragically killed…for no reason….I welcomed my daughter’s version of bad news, “Uh oh, lay it on me…”
“The 20 dollars I brought to school for the Santa Shop was lost in a pile of papers and my teacher couldn’t find it…so I didn’t get to go to the Santa Shop and today was the last day…”
My God how I appreciated that this was her bad news. She had been looking forward to going to the Santa Shop all week, I’m sure when she found out her money had been misplaced and she could no longer go it probably ruined her day.
But not her life.
These are the things we’re learning to appreciate now as parents.
“Oh Maile I’m sorry! I’ll email your teacher and ask her what happened, but in the mean time why don’t you go hop in the car…we’ll go to the dollar store right now and you can pick something out for everyone!”
She smiled big. Such an easy fix this time, but I feel like a sitting duck. Who knows where our luck will take us in the years to come.
This is not the post I had intended on writing and I feel stupid even publishing it. Who am I? Just another Mom who will continue planning Christmas for her kids and carry on, business as usual with a pit in my heart while families in Connecticut reel from this tragedy. An acute suffering that I cannot fathom. How these families must despise people like me…writing blog posts about how the shooting made me sad.
I hate myself for it, but it’s the mom in me…I can’t help it. I hear babies crying and I want to go to them. I see families broken and I want to fix them. I wish I could swoop in and rewind time and take everyone to the dollar store and make everything better. But I can’t do any of that…so I guess I just sit and write about it and feel sad.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
i am sat here in the UK its Monday morning my kids have just gone to school, my 2 beautiful girls aged 5 and 6 years and now i am crying crying crying and cant stop! i cannot even comprehend the pain of them not returning home! I am aching with the pain of it and cant breath! the whole world is broken deep down in our hearts for the families affected, the whole world is crying! I understand why you had to write, we cannot rewind the clock and so we cry, praying for some peace in amongst this pain for everyone xxxx
I think that’s all any of us would like to do – fix it.
I’m glad that was the bad news.
I’ve been crying as well. And I’m pretty sure that I too am not going to be able to write about anything else till I write about this. And I’m also pretty sure I’m not going to do so in such a subtle, loving, understated way … so thanks for balancing out my forthcoming freak-out.
I have thought the same thing all weekend. I have talked to all of my boys, explaining that some families will wake up Christmas without the child that the presents under the tree were for. MY heart and soul cries out to them and for them, for God to ease their suffering. For their wounds to be doctored but as a parent I know that is a wound bigger than anything I could ever even come close to imagining.
I think this is pretty much how we all feel. Saying a prayer today for all those families who cannot send their children to school.
~FringeGirl
So well said. My thoughts exactly!!!
A big thank you to Maile for showing us that bad news can be a little lighter and it’s OK. I keep thinking about those lost and can’t help but cry. Putting my son on the school bus this morning made my heart ache. Life is going to be so different for everyone from now on.
Thanks for this post, I too cried for hours Friday, as I read the first news post about the shooting, I thought of my own 6 year old (at that time) in his classroom just up the road from our home. I could not imagine the grief and pain these family’s are going through. I as many parents held their kids tighter that night, and will every night be thankful I can tuck my baby into bed, and I pray everyday for the parents who will not get to do this again for their lost children. Blessings and thanks to you for this post!
I agree; I wish there was more I could do, too. As a mom, I pray everyday that my kids will stay safe… and now I have to add “AT school” “AT the mall” “on the bus” to that list also. It is a sad day/time in our history and I hope and pray that it will NEVER happen again.
I think so many of us feel the same. Our mama hearts are broken, yet we get to press on with our lives- and deal with the easy kind of hard things(like lost money or fights over legos if you live in my house).
I have struggled with this too. I did our give away post this morning without a mention of the tragedy. Woohoo! I know every mother out there is grieving, in shock, some are changed forever for the worse–wanna win a bag?!!! I’m working on a post for tomorrow that addresses it just a little. I have so much I want to say if only just to process and, yet, my need to process is so insignificant. But what if I can give hope or comfort? Like I have the answers?!!! This whole situation is so big, so dark, so much. Thank you for sharing and for making me laugh on such a regular basis. For now, that’s about all I got, well, maybe a cyber hug too.
At least you’re admitting you’re sad, I can’t even bring myself to watch any more news, or read the stories or post about it on my blog. I just can’t. I can’t even THINK about it without tearing up.
This morning our schools {well… all of DoD schools} are reviewing their procedures. honestly I just think every school in the country needs at least one armed guard near the front door at all times.
So well written. It feels very small to feel so sad but as moms, parents and teachers, we still do. Our hearts hurt at the thought that something so horrifying could happen for no reason and to people whose lives have just begun. It is so hard to know what to do. It’s hard to feel happy when we know that there are parents that are dealing with the unfathomable. I’m so glad that Maile’s problem was easily fixable.
Well stated. I too have thought about how small and petty my sorrow must seem compared to theirworlds being blown apart. You put into words what alot of us hold in our hearts.
I have no words other than to say how much I appreciate this post. It is how I feel, too but your words are so much nicer.
I know exactly what you mean. I have written and rewritten a post along these lines a dozen times. And there seem to be no words strong enough. But I sit and write and feel sad, because what else can I do? I can squeeze my children and pray for those who can no longer squeeze theirs. Sending my kids to school this week seems especially hard.
I think the best we can do is to simply hold our children close and let our hearts expand with gratitude for what we have. Positive energy is like a prayer that reaches out to those who are directly impacted and suffering like a big, celestial hug!
I wrote today about what we can learn and how we can focus on compassion and positive changes in our society to prevent this crap from happening – if not ever again, at least far less often.
Maybe we all feel a bit stupid and helpless, but the best thing we can do is to remember those kids and their teachers and hug and hug and hug our kids.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Mama Kat.
No one begrudges you this post, Kat. We are all in different spaces and the same. We have vastly different thoughts and then the same and then they change again. And I knew I wasn’t the only one, but I’ve never had anyone else say it out loud: I want to go to crying children. I hear them and look around for them and I want to help them feel better. It’s an ache. Weirdo.
I think we all feel the same. It feels so wrong to be about to celebrate with our friends and family when so many are hurting right now. The only thing we can do is pray for them and give extra hugs, kisses and I Love You’s to our family and friends.
I think that’s how we all feel right now, Kat. But what are we to do? Break down and not celebrate our children? No. I think that would be an honorable thing to do is cherish our children in honor of those kids.
Totally, totally understand. We’re Moms. A loss like this sits on our hearts and we can’t help but speak about it, write about it. I appreciate your words so much and the words of all mom bloggers writing about it because I have none. This mom blogger (me) can’t speak about it yet. Still in shock and in pain for those children, their teachers, their families. Looking forward to remembering their sweet lives — it’s how I think I’ll be handling it for now. Thanks for your words.
So beautifully said…thank you for posting these very words…
I hesitate over every word I write about the tragedy. You’re right, it’s not my loss, my children are still with me. And yet, something this horrible does feel like a loss to us all. Parents shouldn’t have to worry about sending their children to school. I see those sweet faces on the news and I just want to hug them and make it better.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I wanted to write something but the words won’t come. This is so tragic. Seeing the beautiful faces of the kids on the tv today broke my heart. Trying to explain to my own children how this can happen is difficult. I’m glad you wrote this and published it. I feel the same exact way.
I felt the same way about writing my post last night. But it’s how we, as writers, express ourselves and when something in the news affects us, especially something so utterly tragic and senseless such as what happened in Newtown, we cannot help but pour our souls out into our online journals. My heart is breaking for those families, more so every day as we learn more and more about their amazing lives as the families and close friends are able and willing to speak to the media. God Bless them and may they find peace in time. Praying for Newtown.
I think we all share your sentiment. We all hurt and cry and feel a pain that is no where close to those that lost their child. It could have been our children…
Well said. I know I feel the same way… stupid blogger writing about how awful and horrific and agonizing it must be for those precious families. My heart aches so badly, I just don’t have any other words…but the ones i wrote.
It’s all we can do, right.
{That, and hug them tight everysingletime they walk by.}
My heart has that pit too. I’m glad you wrote this as it helps to connect the people who care.
What they all said – what good is having a blog and a place to commiserate if you can’t say what you feel? Well said. Everyone’s hearts are hurting.