This one time I had a baby and I remember just loving her SO much instantly, but also that I couldn’t stop crying.
Crying because I couldn’t believe I created her yes, but also crying because…I just didn’t know why.
The nurse had warned me that this could happen. When your hormones go ape crazy, your body painfully recovers from birth, you’re not sleeping and you’re feeling overwhelmed by the sheer weight of the responsibility you hold in your arms (and also in your ass), crying totally makes sense.
I remember taking her to the hospital for her two week check up and looking at my husband and saying, “Do you sometimes wish you could just keep driving forever? Like to Pennsylvania? And not stop? And just start over?”
He laughed at the suggestion and we had an entire conversation about how long it would take to get there, what it would be like to live there, and when our families would notice we were gone. Funny how you can have a seemingly light conversation with someone and yet deep down feel like crawling out of your own skin.
Pennsylvania sounded nice, but I’m glad we stayed.
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There are a lot of days when Pennsylvania sounds nice.
Even now, when I’m not hormone-crazy and sleep deprived, there are many, many days, when I want to get in the car and just go. But not to Pennsylvania…..it’s too cold up there.
I adore Pennsylvania. I didn’t grow up here, and we got transferred for my husband’s job. But I would happily spend the rest of my life here.
This so happens! I am not a cryer, but after giving birth I ‘d have fits of spontaneous tears: standing in line at the grocery, waiting for the atm, driving in the car. I didn’t want to go to Pennsylvania but wanted to leave NJ and go back home to NY, but thats totally understandable. When a friend wanted to divorce her husband after the third baby I told her to wait until the hormones die down to make any decisions (with her its about 2 years).
But I’m in Pennsylvania…. Reconsider???
I cried nonstop after my first two. I live in NW Ohio and often think about driving to Chicago. But I too am glad I stayed.