Last night I discovered the fattest raccoon I’ve ever seen eating our cat food in the garage.
In an attempt to snap a picture I slammed the garage door shut on it’s head.
Damn thing got away.
3.) The last time you were sick…
The last time I was really sick was last June and I was hobbling around the house with aching bones. I didn’t have a fever, but every joint in my body hurt and I was Google searching things like “Arthritis in young, beautiful mothers?” and “Can a trip to Arizona cause Lupus?” (yes young, beautiful mothers CAN get Arthritis. no, a trip to Arizona can NOT cause Lupus)
I decided that the reason I was in so much pain was because when I brushed my hair, I had flipped it, cracked my neck, and in so doing set off a nerve that ruined my entire body. And no I did not find that on Google, I just decided.
Then came this red mark across my face and I finally went to the doctor and was all, “Hello doctor, I believe I have Arthritis or Lupus because every joint in my body is screaming in pain. Also Rosacea.” He read off a long list of things it could be and then asked if I wanted to get tested, but I was all “I think I’m starting to feel better now, I’ll come back if I change my mind.”
I continued my search on Google, specifically the red marks across my face, because it was really just the most ODD symptom and you know what I discovered?
Fifths Disease.
Also known as, Slapped Cheek Syndrome (real cute disease namers!) due to the fat red marks that suddenly appear across your cheeks. Most people get it in childhood and then are immune to it forever and when I read that, it suddenly hit me that Pat and I had been commenting on Maile’s bright red cheeks just the week before. The day after she had bright red cheeks, Kainoa ALSO had bright red cheeks. I had assumed they had pushed one another into concrete walls and didn’t think anything of it until DUH it all became clear!
I had a childhood disease.
And what do you know? Adults who get this disease often don’t even KNOW that’s what it is because the symptoms are so similar to other, more serious diseases, like Arthritis and Lupus!
When I told my sister I had diagnosed myself with Slapped Cheek Syndrome she was all, “Oh my gosh that’s going through my boy’s preschool!!”
Well, la. dee. dah. What a freaking coincidence. So this is actually “going around”??
And so now you know…if you ever wake up one morning and feel like a 90-year-old lady, can barely move your body, and wind up with red marks across your face. You, my friend, have Slappy Slap Face DISEASE.
Deal with it.
And be glad it’s not Arthritis or Lupus, because living with THAT everyday? I can’t imagine.
Now it’s your turn!
Choose a prompt, post it on your blog, and come back to add your name to the link list below. Be sure to sign up with the actual post URL and not just your basic blog URL (click on the title of your post for that URL). For good comment karma try to comment on the three blogs above your name!!
The Prompts:
1.) Last week I opened the opportunity to write an open letter to men with a word of advice, an issue you’d like to address, or a solution to a problem. This week? Hand over the reins and let your husband write his OWN open letter to women.
2.) 5 Random facts about you and your family. (inspired by Nice Girl Notes)
3.) The last time you were sick…
4.) Write a blog post inspired by the word “red”.
5.) Your second-grade teacher.
I hated a lot of things about the adults in my life, but what I hated most was their need to exert power and control over me when I could TAKE CARE OF MYSELF JUST FINE!
They treated me like a child. They told me what to do. They made me babysit and do my homework and get off the phone and turn off the TV and worst of all? They made me CLEAN.
It was like…the worst.
This one time my step dad Bob was all, “The basement is a mess. You kids need to turn off the TV and clean this up now…”
And we all kind of looked at him and rolled our eyes because DUH, we were in the middle of the show and DUH AGAIN…stop telling us what to do.
When he came back downstairs to check on us and saw that nary a one of us had moved from our TV watching positions on the couch he was all, “The TV goes off NOW…clean!”
And so in slow motion I rolled myself off the couch and in slow motion I reached for the closest object and in slow motion I inspected the object and in slow motion I crawled to the nearest shelf and in slow motion I placed the object on the shelf.
As I moved in slow motion Bob’s level of anger also grew in slow motion and when I slowly crawled to the next object he grabbed a nearby ruler and raised it over his head and in a fit of rage yelled, “GOSH DARNIT KATHY, GET UP AND CLEAN!!”
But instead of being afraid upon seeing the weapon raised as if to strike, I covered my face in a dramatic fashion, much like a character you might see in a Lifetime movie and cried, “Oh Bob no!! Not the 12 incher!! Anything but the 12 incher!!!”
Because I mean really, was this man seriously considering striking me with a ruler? What we had here was proof that an obnoxious, smart mouthed teen had the capacity to drive a sweet-hearted man to the brink of crazy.
I was lucky he didn’t whack me across the head with it.
I want to go back and whack my own self across the head with it.
But he didn’t. He dropped the ruler and walked away…chuckling.
“Not the 12 incher!! Anything by the 12 incher!!” has been a family joke ever since.
And I’m still a slow motion cleaner.
2.) Dear Man, (an open letter…offer a word of advice, an issue you’d like to address, or a solution to a problem for the opposite sex).
It there’s one thing I know, it’s men.
Over the years I have learned how to capture, properly train, and talk to a man. When I discovered that not only do they speak different love languages than us, but that they’re also actually from an entirely different planet, I made it my life’s mission to help them survive in our world.
I recently discovered two words that will make every man’s life one thousand times easier…
Dear Man,
There will be times when a woman comes at you with anger that makes you want to defend yourself. She might be upset by something you did, said, looked at, ate, touched, forgot, slept through, and much more. Your inclination might be to raise your voice. You won’t think you deserve her anger, but when you raise your voice to defend yourself you will undoubtedly make her angrier.
For example, let’s say you leave for work at 6am and the dog follows you downstairs. Your wife might prefer you let the dog outside since you’re up with him and she’s still trying to nab 30 more minutes of sleep after being woken throughout the night with various children while you slept peacefully (again). If you don’t let the dog outside there are two possible outcomes:
#1 Your wife will be forced to jump out of bed in just a tank top and dainties, rush downstairs to let the dog out and freeze her buns off while waiting for the dog to finish his business.
And/Or
#2 Your dog will poop in the house and your wife will be forced to clean up the mess. (As if she has the time to add that to her busy morning routine with your children!) (again).
For argument’s sake, let’s say you do NOT let the dog out in the morning.
Your wife might send you an angry text, criticizing your decision because you KNEW that by refusing to put the dog out you were going to inconvenience her NO MATTER WHAT. You might respond by telling her to “get over” herself and that might make her REALLY angry.
When you get home from work she might come at you again. You could get annoyed that after all those hours passed she’s still uptight about the stupid dog. You might tell her you were running late for work and that’s why you didn’t let the dog out. That it’s not your fault. That she should be angry at the dog and not you. Perhaps you’ll get mad at her for being mad at you.
Man? This is exhausting for both of us and I’m going to arm you with two words that will nip these arguments with your wife right. in. the. bud.
I’m sorry.
That’s right, I’m SORRY!
Practice with me, “I’mmmmmm sorrrrryyyyy…”
Relatively simple words, they can be difficult to say, but they mean so much! And whether you mean it or not? They take your angry wife by surprise…she might still be mad at you, but what more can she say after a sincere apology? Nothing. Sure she can continue to stew over it if she chooses, but she’s kind of stuck. She can no longer run her mouth at you in an attempt to get you to understand and validate what she was experiencing because you validated her feelings the moment you spoke the words!
I’m sorry.
With a simple and calm, “Oh babe, I’m sorry! I meant to take the dog out, but I was in such a rush to get to work I guess I forgot!” Or how about, “Wow, I had no idea my not taking the dog out was going to be such a huge disruption for you! I’m really sorry about that!”
By doing this your wife will feel heard, validated, and? She might still love you.
However, when your sorry comes one week later (after a lot of stewing and grudge holding) and it sounds like this, “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with the fact that you don’t like to take the dog out in the morning. There. Is that better?”
The answer will be NO. An apology is not an apology when you’re apologizing for how someone else FEELS or how THEY reacted. You must apologize for something YOU did OR DID NOT DO.
Got it?????
You’re welcome,
Woman
We all complain about silly things sometimes. Someone let the cat in, but it’s an outdoor cat…someone let the cat out, but it’s an indoor cat. You accidentally bought nonfat ice cream. The Miss America pageant is on instead of your favorite show. They’re first world problems and we all have them. I guarantee you will be able to relate to at least one of the first world problems depicted in the following hilarious videos:
(video here)
(video here)
And this is an entertaining breakdown of how the first world problems phrase began:
(video here)
Do share, what was your most recent “first world problem”?
4.) Acceptance. (inspired by Headstrong Damsel)
I had always considered horse lessons to be a special luxury that only rich little girls got to do. I imagined them in their jockey gear, living in The Hamptons, walking around with fancy helmets and switches.
When I enrolled my own daughters in lessons it was purely because of a cheap deal on Groupon and my own childhood horse dreams projected onto them. I knew they would love the opportunity see the animals up close, but I did not really intend to make horses a permanent structure in their lives.
However, that plan changed when I saw how my girls lit up before each lesson, how they quickly learned every horses name, and how my typically shy little wallflowers released their inhibitions to sit tall and confident in those saddles.
I don’t know if it’s because of the horses, but I see self assuredness now where before it was lacking. I had heard of horse therapy before, but I might be watching it happen in them.
And I accept the hole that self assuredness and confidence is putting in my wallet.
Almost literally sometimes…
Worth every penny.
You may need a pen and paper to jot down this important parenting tip:
Giving a crying child candy sounds like a surefire solution for happier times,
but will only result in a mouthful of colorful, sticky drool dripping down their mouth.
Don’t do it.
Instead, take the candy and run.
Find a cozy closet and wait out the “episode”.