Victoria Lies To Me

This is the email I sent my sisters last night:

I decided to heck with it! I’m going to face my fear and try on some shorts at the mall today. We’re going to Hawaii and gosh darnit, I don’t need to be a big baby about not showing skin when nobody there knows me. I can be whoever I want to be and just MAYBE I’m a shorts wearer over there!

So I went to the mall and tried them on.

Nope. Definitely not a shorts wearer. I will never try them on again. They’re so ugly.

About a month ago I was having the same conversation with them about hunting down a swimsuit. By God, I can wear a swimsuit at the beach and perhaps dip myself into water like a normal human!

When we took the kids to The Great Wolf Lodge I was beyond uncomfortable.  I’m pasty white. I’m older and fleshier. And I feel like I’m wearing a leotard. I made it my mission to find some swimwear that would make me not pasty or old or fleshy or leotardy.

So I ordered this:


Because look how trendy and amazing she looks while still very covered up!

Insert laughter because no.

That swimsuit jumper will not transform you into a Victoria’s Secret model, I should have known. Victoria lies to me. It actually made me look even more like an out of place mom who doesn’t leave the comfort of her laundry basket in the living room than I already was.

After multiple orders and try on sessions in the comfort of my dark closet, I did finally narrow down my search and I plan to cut a hole in the middle of my bed sheet to use as an appropriate cover up. It’s either that or the burkini.

I can totally be a swimsuit wearer!


  1. Jill Eldredge says

    Tankini top and cute board shorts. You look cute and covered at the same time.

  2. Emily says

    Do you wear skirts? I’m not a shorts-wearer (I’m working on it though…there are some cute styles these days), but a skirt is breezy, longer than shorts, more flattering, and doesn’t look like a diaper. You can also get a skirt cover up, or tie a large scarf around your hips to use as a cover up. And just remember, not nearly as many people are looking at you as you might think. :)

  3. says

    I am advocate for shorts or skirt…simply because I can’t stand to be hot!!

    As for the swimsuit – those things are hideous. Well, on ME they are hideous. BUT, a tankini and a pair of swim shorts – that I can deal with.

    And, as Emily so astutely pointed out – who’s really looking? They are all too busy feeling uncomfortable and afraid that someone’s looking at them!

  4. says

    I hate shorts, too, but my underwear are not cute enough to be shown when the summer breeze whips the hem of my sundress up over my cheeks.

    My cheeks aren’t cute enough for that, either.

    And NO NO NO skirts on swimsuits. They are not long enough to cover what I have, and short enough that they hit me right at the widest spot of my body. I go to the pool in what I have, and that is some white skin that jiggles when I walk, and a tummy that has seen flatter days. Don’t like what you see? Turn away.

    That said, I’m totally on board with bringing the burkini into the mainstream.