3. Share a mom fail.
I’m reading a book called A Mother’s Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold, the mother of Columbine shooter Dylan Klebold.
It has been fascinating and heartbreaking and tragic to read about the Columbine High School shooting from her perspective. She received the frantic call that gunmen had entered the school and she panicked over her son’s safety just like every mother. She had no idea. I’m only halfway through the book and much of it is spent humanizing her son with personal stories of their time together.
As details of the massacre made their way to her, it was nearly impossible for her to wrap her mind around the fact that her child could do something so horrendous. Does he make stupid mistakes every now and again? Sure. Has he gotten into a bit of trouble in this past? Sure. Is he capable of killing another human? Absolutely not.
I feel the same way about my kids and that’s a bit disconcerting. I Google searched more information about the shooting and read accounts of what Dylan’s role specifically was that day and I looked back at the book and was all, “Well you were missing SOMETHING!” because it sounds to me he acted of his own accord and in cold blood. We are certainly too quick to blame parents when something like this happens, but I think part of that is because there is no one closer. We think someone should have been responsible for picking up on cues and who better than a responsible parent? But as parents, are we blinded by a history of raising and bonding with our kids that prevents us from truly seeing them.
A few years ago I was struck by what Anne Frank’s father had to say about the discovery of her diary after she was killed in a concentration camp, “Otto Frank said, “I must say, I was very much surprised by the deep thoughts Anne had….it was quite a different Anne I had known as my daughter. She never really showed this kind of inner feeling. And my conclusion is, since I had been in very good terms with Anne, that most parents don’t know really their children.”
What am I missing by knowing my kids as their mother?
Sue Klebold is living a nightmare that her son created. I’m only halfway through, but her book reads, in many ways like an apology as well as a tool that aims to help other families identify when a child needs help. It’s tough to read knowing how many people were hurt and traumatized by the shooting, but it challenged me to look at my kids objectively. It led me to pick up my kids ipods and do a thorough inspection of accounts even though my kids are young and innocent and sheltered.
I discovered some alarming and potentially dangerous conversations happening in the private messaging sections of one or more of the apps. Phones have been confiscated, tears have been shed, my rose colored glasses need cleaning, but a really important conversation happened and new rules have been put into play. I wish I had done it sooner.
I hate that this book had to be written, however it inspires me not to just “pay closer attention”…but to dig. And you should too. Pick up your kids electronics today, look at their accounts (including video games with chat rooms) and check on those private/direct messages that no one else sees and you didn’t even know they used. And then burn the Internet down. I can’t keep up with it and I don’t know what I should or should not allow at this point. Just burn the whole thing down.
Jerralea says
I often think burning down the internet might be a good thing!
Abby says
There are SO many apps and elusive internet sites available, Some of them, I swear, were created just for the purpose of hiding things from parents/partners.
I’ve seen this book and will probably read it. Yes, we want to blame the parents for things like Columbine, but there’s a much larger circle of influence on our kids.
Mama Kat says
Stupid apps. I definitely need to do a better job of snooping and NOT feel bad about it. If you want to interact with people through your electronics, then don’t put anything out there that you wouldn’t want me to see! You can have a private conversation when you’re 40!
John Holton says
I saw something on Facebook earlier: “A worried mother does better research than the FBI.”
My mother was a little too obsessed with knowing what we were doing/saying/thinking/hanging out with, but I can understand where she was coming from now, in light of Columbine and some of the other terror attacks in schools. We still managed to get in plenty of trouble (albeit nothing on the level of killing classmates and terrorizing our school). At the same time, she was good about always talking to us and trusted her gut enough to know when something needed to be headed off. She also did more than her share of snooping on us, listening in on phone conversations, going through our rooms (even through my wastebasket once), and reading through notebooks we thought she wouldn’t read, then confronting us with what she had found. (Sure taught me that, if you didn’t want Mom to see it, you hid it really carefully.) But I think the message to us was clear: if we were having trouble or something was going on, we talked to her about it.
All of which is to say, you’re right, you DO have to dig. Nowadays you almost need to know computer forensics…
Gigi says
Yes, Abby, some of those apps you allude to WERE created to hide things from parents.
I’m so glad mine isn’t coming of age now – I don’t know how I would have been able to monitor it all.
The kids hate it when we “snoop” on their “private” lives but as a practical matter we have to up to a certain point for their own good.
Jill says
Wow!
I saw her on Dr. Oz, and I’ve tried to imagine being in her shoes. I can’t imagine it…
I had been toying with the idea of homeschooling my son for a year (because he was being bullied). I was trying so many things to fix the situation with the school. Nothing helped much. His autism and anxiety was a perfect storm for this sort of thing down the road.
He drew a picture one day of him shooting his classmates. He was only 6, had never seen school shooting news, and we didn’t own any guns. Somehow, this was still on his mind at such a young age?! We had a long talk (and many more to follow up) and began homeschooling. We are working on his social skills in lower pressure environments and having so much growth, as opposed to the regression he was having at school.
I am fortunate to be able to make the choice to homeschool, but not everyone has that option. :( I hope we can get better mental health systems in place in our schools. So much time has passed since Columbine, and it’s still getting worse.
Mama Kat says
It’s really amazing how many resources we have now to help our kids. I enrolled Maile in an online school last year when middle school just about broke her in half. Her personality had crumbled over the years and we took a year to focus on her health. It was the best decision we could have made and such a shame those options weren’t as available back then. But I agree, we need better mental health systems in our schools.
Paula Kiger says
Have you seen Klebold’s mom’s TED Talk? I haven’t read her book but the TED Talk was so thought provoking. SO. THOUGHT. PROVOKING. https://youtu.be/7xfyN-yBZ7c
Mama Kat says
Thanks for linking to that, I just watched it and her message is very similar to the overall feel of her book. Her book goes into a lot of fascinating details about the days leading up to the shooting and her own personal journey through it all. It’s really humbling actually.