1. Not your mother’s daughter…how do you parent differently than your mother did? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
me: Mom, remember how when I would be in a bad mood and stomp off to pout in my room. That didn’t seem to upset you!
my mom: It didn’t.
me: Didn’t you feel bad that I was sad and want to fix it?
my mom: Not really.
me: But what about when I would get into fights with my friends.
my mom: Did you fight with your friends?
me: Didn’t you worry that I wouldn’t have anyone to sit next to at lunch?
my mom: No.
When my kids are upset, it ruins my entire day. I become fixated on solving their problems, I hate seeing them upset. Maybe they need me to bake cookies or make them laugh or maybe we need to go shopping! If they’re fighting with a friend, my ears are perked up waiting for an update because I don’t want them to lose their friends or WORSE, I don’t want their friends to turn everyone against them. If one of my kids refused to leave their room I would be peeking in every 10 minutes to see if there is anything I could do. You should hear my line of questioning, “Is everything okay? How was school? Were people nice to you? Did anyone pick on you? Did anyone bump into you? Did your teachers call on you? Were you bullied? Did you eat? Who did you sit with at lunch? Who did you play with at recess? Did you get in trouble? Were you nice?” I’ll stop there.
I complained to my Mom once after one of my kids had a negative reaction to one of my rules. At first I was like, “I don’t care, they can react however they want, but I’m the mom and I’m not budging on my rule!” I have to force myself to be strong because for the most part I just want to be like “OH forget it! You don’t need rules!”
So I asked my Mom, “Mom, how were you able to stay out of it?? How did you manage to not OVERLY care about every little thing we went through?”
She sort of shrugged…parents were just parents back then. There was no “Caring” about what kids thought about rules or discipline. And kids were just kids.
And therein lies how we are different, I have a hard time separating myself from their feelings. I have to force myself to step back and let them experience life, make mistakes, and pick up their pieces because it’s the example my Mom set and I know it’s the right way to parent, but it does not come naturally. I want to rescue them always.
It’s a strange time to raise kids because on one hand we are being told to read their text messages, screen their apps, and stay tuned in. But when we do that we know too much. My kids can’t even get into a squabble with their girlfriends without me being aware of what is happening. I don’t want to be this connected where I worry about all of their things, but I don’t know how or where to disconnect?
And that is why my Mom did it better than I am. She let things run their course. She trusted our decision making (mostly…I think?) and our ability to navigate our own friendships. And just look how wonderful I turned out thanks to her expert mothering skills.
I think the only real solution here is to send her my kids to raise for the remainder of their young lives. They deserve to turn out as well as I did and I have a lot of Netflix to catch up on.
John Holton says
See, it was much easier to be a parent before all this Internet and cable TV and schools telling the kids to “question authority” and do whatever the hell they want. There are too many places to look and find out what they’re up to. Even back when you were a kid, snooping around and finding out what your kids were up to was too much work, so you did what my mother did: claimed you knew what they were up to and let them figure out how.
My father once said, “I’m not your friend, I’m your father!” And he was right. He loved us and supported us, but he made it clear that his home was not a democracy, and that he could take us out of this world as easily as he brought us into it.
Kat, you’re a good mother. And remember, it’s okay to say “Because I’m your mother, and I said so!”
Gigi says
I definitely wouldn’t want to be raising children now in the Internet age. There is a fine line between being “tuned in” to make sure they are safe and knowing when to back off.
I agree – send them to your mom!
But seriously, they do have to learn to navigate friendship and life in their own way – and it’s hard to not want to step in and “fix” it.
Jill says
I was thinking about this when I was reading the prompts as they arrived in my inbox. My mom sounds like your mom. I’ve discussed at great length with my mom how different our parenting situation is. I thought about writing about it… but I don’t think I could say who wore the parenting hat better. =)
My mom had three very quiet and easy kids. I was her hardest. I was the “quirky kid”. I was mischievous and odd. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, but since having my son, I suspect Aspergers. We three loved to lay down in our rooms and read or play outside alone. The worst trouble we got into was staining our clothes for the umpteenth time while smashing fruit.
My boys are wild. Super wild. My oldest was very delayed in talking (Autism) and required many many hours of Early Intervention. I feel like I had no choice BUT to helicopter parent in the beginning. I’ve backed off more and more through the last few years.
Every visit, my mom watches wide-eyed and says she doesn’t know how she would have survived having my kids. It makes me laugh a bit. It makes me feel a twinge of jealousy. Overall, I can’t say who is doing it better, but I can say I am happy she sees how our situations are different. She is unbelievably supportive.<3