ellen degeneres

Dear Ellen Letter #19: Gumbo And Faith Forever

April 19, 2011 · 24 comments

It’s hard isn’t it?

Long distance relationships are not for the weak of heart. The lapse between each letter that I write to you is growing. Life happens. I get distracted and before I even realize what is happening it’s been three months since I’ve written.

Part of the challenge for me is accepting the fact that you’ve never actually written back and choosing to love you through it. Journey sang it once and I find it’s worth repeating, “And loving a music man/Ain’t always what it’s supposed to be/Oh Girl/You stand by me/I’m forever yours/Faithfully.”

I’m not exactly sure what the “music man” part means…and since you’re not writing me back I know that you’re not necessarily standing “by” me, but that part about being forever yours is what I really relate to. Faithfully yours. But only in a platonic way of course. Because I’m not a lesbian anymore. Journey has a way of really capturing how I feel sometimes.

Speaking of jazz music, I want you to know I visited New Orleans for the first time in my life this weekend. It was amazing. My bus tour guide, Henry, showed me all of historical landmarks and I was floored when I actually got to see what Katrina had done to that city. It really is different seeing the levy and the barges and the homes in person. We drove past what Henry called the “Brad Pitt” homes which are basically indestructible homes designed by Brad’s team as a way to help rebuild. I love that he’s giving back.

As Henry spoke I was waiting for the chance to chime in and ask him the question I knew was on everyone’s mind which was, “where did Ellen Degeneres grow up?” I watched your True Hollywood Story Ellen, I knew your home had to be nearby. Henry corrected me however, and said you actually lived in Gretna…not New Orleans.

I feel betrayed by my memory, but I wish Henry had given me a little more information. He knew SO much about the history of New Orleans and of the celebrities everyone wanted to know about…I thought for sure he could pin point some of your favorite spots…so that I could go to them…and eat gumbo…and think about how in the world I was going to get back to my hotel because I’d pretty much be lost without Henry.

What I’m trying to say Ellen, is that if you ever decide to follow in Brad Pitt’s charitable footsteps and help rebuild New Orleans…I’d like to sign up to be on the list of the new house recipients. I know I don’t technically have any “ties” to New Orleans, but I think just really really enjoying the city should put me on the “Must Have A House List”. Preferably in the Garden District if you can swing it.

And Ellen, not to continue pressuring you to bring me on the show or anything, we both know I’d like to fill it with mom bloggers…but when we make this happen I’d also really like to bring Henry along for moral support. He had a pretty phenomenal story and I just wouldn’t feel right visiting you without him. Just me. You. An audience of mom bloggers. My Mom and sisters and Facebook friends. And Henry. That’s all I’m asking.

It’s a lot. I know. Rest assured the mom bloggers and my Mom and friends and Henry would settle for simply watching your show on TV from my New Orleans home in the Garden District. It might be too much for you to fly us all to LA for the taping and I want you to know we’re extremely flexible.

Until then Ellen, I’ll be on this highway run…into the midnight sun. The wheels go round and round…you’re on my mind.

Gumbo and Faith Forever

Kat

A complete list of the previous 18 letters to Ellen can be found here.

{ 24 comments }

Dear Ellen (letter 14): Ellen Is Not Fooled By The Rocks That I Got

May 10, 2010 · 27 comments

First of all allow me to address the fact that locally your show has moved from it’s 11am time slot to a convenient 3pm time slot. To this I say wahoo. If I’m being totally honest I’ll say that 2pm is even more convenient, but we’ll work on that later.

More than anything I’m just glad to have you on day time television so I can stop pretending I watch you every morning. Friendship is about honesty and honesty is about telling people what is on your mind…and telling people about what is on your mind is about meeting up for coffee, and since you’re so busy with your show it might be easiest for me to just come there to chat. For convenience. It doesn’t feel right going this long without connecting. I’m starting to really feel the distance.

I guess it’s true what they say about long distance relationships. Heck they’re a lot of work even when BOTH people are trying…say nothing of the celebrity status and busy schedules involved in our case. I want you to know the “celebrity” means nothing to me. It was never important. And I will never let it all go to my head.

The great Jennifer Lopez once said it best when she said, “Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got. I’m still I’m still Jenny from the Block.” I believe what she is saying here is “my large collection of rocks (rocks symbolizing wealth) might fool you into thinking that’s all I care about…but it’s not”.

And that’s what I say to you Ellen. Don’t let my rocks fool you. Or intimidate you. I’m not about my rocks. And my name is not Jenny. But you can call me Jenny if you want to.

You can also call me relieved. Because Ellen…Twitter told me you were having mommy bloggers on your show for Mother’s Day. I didn’t want to believe it was so. You can ignore me all you want, but I can think of no greater pain than the pain of watching an Ellen Show filled with mommy bloggers that doesn’t consist of me.

And then I thought maybe this was it. Maybe the Mother’s Day mommy blogger show was going to be the surprise phone call I’ve been waiting for. I practiced my scream and feigned shock. I kept the lines open and waited.

But you know what? God bless soon to be first time mothers. And God bless you for having them on your Mother’s Day show. My faith in our relationship has been renewed, the foundation in my letter writing campaign has not been cracked, and long distance or not…we’re going to make it!

All my love,

Mama Kat

{ 27 comments }

The Bathroom Concert Series

March 29, 2010 · 35 comments

I had planned on writing my 13th Ellen letter today…or whatever number I’m on.

You should know that every time I write Ellen a letter, I am sure to do a bit of homework. Refresh myself on her latest monologues and what not.

Anyways, it’s way too late for me now to finish my letter and that’s largely because I just spent the last 30 minutes of my life watching her Bathroom Concert Series on youtube.

I feel inspired to do my own concert series…only minus the famous people. Might this be the avenue I need to take to finally be MADE singing Lisa Loeb’s “Stay”? If I write Lisa a letter do you think she’d come sing with me in my bathroom for Ellen?

Only one way to find out…

In the mean time:

{ 35 comments }

Dear Ellen #13: An Original Music Video For Ellen Degeneres

February 1, 2010 · 76 comments

Dear Ellen,

I think I owe you a happy belated birthday! Are you aware that you just turned 52? What this tells the world is that you have officially come into your own. You are confident and composed and secure. You have love, you have money, you have fame. You. Have. MADE IT!

You know what this tells ME? That we’re one year closer to the END of The Ellen Show. Tell me Ellen…how will I skyrocket your show to even more superfamedom by allowing you to have me as your guest, if in fact, the show is no longer on the air?

I have every intention of continuing to write you letters until I’m 80, but what IF you stop doing your show before I turn 80? People will think I’m nuts for encouraging you to have me on a show doesn’t even exist. They may begin to think I’m not all there. They may encourage me to change the name of my blog to “Mama Done Lost Her Damn Mind”.

So while you’re out celebrating your 52nd with Portia and talking about where you’ll be vacationing next summer…I’m feeling a little uneasy about where things currently stand with us. Which is to say, nowhere.

I’m slightly concerned that after a year of writing, none of your interns have reached out to me. My offer to sleep with one of them still stands. I am not above the “Hollywood” way of making dreams come true.

And then it occurred to me that perhaps I’ve got it all wrong with the letter writing Ellen. How many times have we seen celebrities hit it big as youngsters only to find out that by jumping into show business so early they never actually learned to read? It happens all too often…which is why I’ve decided to share my very first Dear Ellen music video with you. Here’s hoping a Mama Kat original can help get my message across:

I can’t wait to serenade you in person Ellen!

Love,

Mama Kat

***
Dear Blog Readers!

Coincidentally Ellen tweeted this last week: Attention Followers! We’re looking for fun new talent so send me a YouTube link with the tag #GetOnEllen. Can’t wait to see what you post.

GASP! is right. You know what this means right? Now, I have NO qualms with writing Ellen letters for the rest of my live long life. Show or no show. I will do it. And I have NO problems losing contests to people who are actually legitimately talented and in need of their big break. But how funny would it be if this ACTUALLY worked!?! What if I could be on the show and we could fill the audience with mommy bloggers! ALL of us could go! And she could give us all cars and send us to Bermuda and we could have a mini mommy blogging summer vacation together!!! Or not…but just what IF right?

If you feel so inclined, and you have a twitter account you can tweet my video to TheEllenShow and gently encourage her to foster a friendship with me.

This is the link to my video on youtube: http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo

And I’ll even make a few tweet suggestions for you if you don’t know quite what to say. You can say:

@TheEllenShow if I had a talk show I’d put @mamakatslosinit on it…but I don’t…so you should: http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo #GetOnEllen

@TheEllenShow She’s not sober, but she’ll be what you need @mamakatslosinit is your girl: http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo #GetOnEllen

@TheEllenShow Hey @mamakatslosinit ain’t no one trick pony…whatever that means…put her on your show! http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo #GetOnEllen

@TheEllenShow @mamakatslosinit has written you 13 letters and is now singing your good graces on youtube! http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo #GetOnEllen

@TheEllenShow @mamakatslosinit has written 13 letters to u…put her out of her misery: http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo #GetOnEllen

@TheEllenShow @mamakatslosinit is the most talented up &coming…well…nothing, but she made u a video: http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo #GetOnEllen

@TheEllenShow Ohhhhh dear Ellen….OHHHHHH dear Ellen!! Listen to @mamakatslosinit http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo #GetOnEllen

@TheEllenShow Not like we’re askin 4 a new van &a trip to Bermuda we just want @mamakatslosinit on ur show http://bit.ly/d0ZsEo #GetOnEllen

@TheEllenShow #GetOnEllen She sings, she dances, she drinks, she blogs… in kick-ass aprons http://bit.ly/aKPlGr @mamakatslosinit

I don’t know…what else could you say?

{ 76 comments }

Dear Ellen (Letter #12),

December 22, 2009 · 48 comments

Christmas is coming and I can NOT figure out what to get you! I mean, what do you get that special someone in your life who seems to have it all?? I did some research. I checked Etsy for some wonderful items made specifically with you in mind.

At first I considered the Noah’s Gay Wedding Cruise painting, but I figured your mansion is probably FILLED with religious based gay paintings and I want to get you something you don’t already have.

I found a twelve hundred dollar photo mosaic quilt, which is right in my price range, but there was only one left and I’d hate to take that off the market when surely there are hundreds waiting to snag that cozy piece of art.

This seven dollar coaster set would be PERFECT, but I don’t know how I feel about people putting their mugs on your mug.

Grocery shopping with your own canvas tote might be fun…certainly everyone would love shopping with self portraits displayed on their shopping bags, but like you do your own grocery shopping.

Dead end after dead end I realized there really isn’t anything I can get you that a.) you don’t already have and b.) you can’t afford to just buy yourself.

Instead I came up with a wonderful list of gifts you could get for me…I’m not high maintenance. Every year my family raves about how easy I am to shop for. It’s important to me to keep the meaning of Christmas in perspective and not get caught up in the commercialism that it has become. I wish more people could remember to live in peace and love one another all the time and stop running me off the street as they hunt down Zhu Zhu pets. But not everyone has the same centered peace of mind that I have.

I’ll get to the point. This is my very short list of things I’m wishing for this Christmas:

1.) My own African village.

2.) A rocket ship.

3.) A rare Pinta Island Tortoise.

4.) An identical twin sister.

5.) An invitation to be on your show.

Mull it over Ellen. Which of those four things do you think you could most conveniently present to me? Don’t worry there are two entire days left to contemplate and decide what it is you think would be most surprising and appreciated by me.

I’d also prefer the presentation of the gift you choose to be a surprise with a bit of a shock element. You know, don’t just mail it…perhaps you could organize some kind of parade in my neighborhood one morning. My family would wake to the sounds of a marching band and monkeys doing cartwheels in the street the way they do in street parades. That would be hysterical, but I don’t want to limit your ideas…just whatever comes to mind will be fine.

The countdown to Christmas has begun Ellen and I can’t wait to see what you come up with. It’s so great to have found a friend in you.

Looking forward to the big day!

Love,

Mama Kat