Writer’s Workshop: My Front Door

1.) Who was at your front door?

They tricked me.

I had just had a baby, I answered the phone…they told me I won a free knife set after entering a contest…we totally NEEDED a knife set…I said okay…they said they’d drop it by and then mumbled something quickly and asked if that was fine…I said okay.

What I didn’t realize was  I had said ‘okay’ to was listening to a vacuum pitch in return for the free knife set (stainless steel by the way!).

When he arrived at my front door I was privately nursing my new baby in another room and encouraged my husband to listen to the pitch and send the man on his way. Let’s face it I was a mess. I wasn’t wearing makeup, I was dressed in maternity garb and felt HUGE, my hormones were all over the place, I wasn’t sleeping, and being a mom was altogether much harder than I had anticipated.

Not to mention I really felt I had been tricked into letting this man come over in the first place…even though I had agreed to it. I know…remember the hormones?

My husband, being the sweet man that he is, followed my instructions but when the salesman insisted I be present for his vacuum show I had no choice but to remove my nursing daughter from my teat and join them.

My level of irritation at being tricked escalated slightly when I realized that man wanted me in the room because he thought he’d have a better chance at selling his vacuum with me in there.

What happened next was an amazing display of vacuum technology at it’s finest. Did you know this vacuum can suck up rocks?? Did you know this vacuum can kill bacteria? Did you know this vacuum can filter your air? Did you know this vacuum can do your dishes??

Well it can.

The vacuum could in fact do anything and this man was GOING to sell us one.

The problem was we had NO money. Literally. I had finished my job teaching and was not yet running a daycare. We were dipping into our savings account each month to pay the very minimum of our bills and groceries. There was no way we were going to buy a vacuum. As in not even a TINY chance.

“Ma’am! Did you realize how dirty your carpets are???”

I honestly believe the salesman dry heaved when he said this.

“Just LOOK at this filth ma’am!”

He lectured us about our dirty carpets, he begged us to allow him to clean a couch cushion, he insisted our quality of life was at stake and when I continued to tell him we were not going to buy his 5 million dollar vacuum because we couldn’t afford it, he stopped and leveled with me,

“Ma’am…look you’ve got a beautiful home, I see two cars in your driveway, I imagine you have credit cards…I mean give me a break…you can’t afford a vacuum?? Do you realize what this will do for your home and for your new baby?”

“I understand what you’re saying…we just aren’t interested at this time.”

“Ma’am…do you not care about your baby’s health?”

(anger escalation because oh hail no do you bring my baby into this).

“I do care about my baby’s health. We’re just not interested in buying a vacuum right now.”

“Ma’am, if you knew spending money on something that could reduce the risk of asthma and ultimately lead to a healthier life for your baby, wouldn’t you find a way to spend the money on that??”

“We’re not buying a vaccuum.”

“You didn’t answer my question though ma’am…wouldn’t you spend money to ensure the best health for your baby?”

“I would. But we’re not. buying. a vacuum. today!”

And then he was all “okay, well if you don’t mind I’d like to call my boss and just let him know I showed you the vacuum and that you’re not interested” and I was all “FINE!”

And the loud phone call went like this as he paced in our living room: “Hey Jim…yeah I’m just finishing up…no it sounds like they’re not interested…I know…yes I told them about the health benefits and they even have a new baby here…yes brand new…I don’t know I guess they don’t care about her health as much as you would think…”

When he got off the phone he had a new deal his boss was willing to cut us, you know…with the baby’s health in mind and everything.

Have you ever seen the face of a sleep deprived, angry fat woman after she’s been insulted and the love for her baby has been called into question? I can tell you now the only thing preventing me at that moment from murdering that man was the baby in my arms and the fact that I hadn’t yet received my free stainless steel knife set and therefore had nothing sharp to stab him with. If not for those small miracles I would surely be serving a sentence in jail right now.

I can show you exactly in my hallway where I stood during this man’s hour long presentation because I stood there rocking my baby, feeling the heat rise and rise and rise and RISE before I realized, Wait. a. Tic…I’m the freaking ADULT in this house! I have allowed this man to come into my home, insult my carpets, inquire about our finances, and insinuate that I might possibly NOT care about my brand new little baby!!! Why am I letting this happen IN MY HOME!?!

“EXCUSE ME SIR! I have TRIED to be patient with you here. We are NOT interested in a vacuum and never WERE when I agreed to accept a free KNIFE SET. I have told you over and over again that we do not want your vacuum, we are NOT changing our minds and you WILL pack up now before I call the cops!”

And with that I directed him back out the front door of which he came.

And you know what?

Those knives were SHIT.

Now it’s your turn!

Mama's Losin' It

Choose a prompt, post it on your blog, and come back to add your name to the link list below. Be sure to sign up with the actual post URL and not just your basic blog URL (click on the title of your post for that URL). For good comment karma try to comment on the three blogs above your name!!

The Prompts:

1.) Who was at your front door? (inspired by fam mum slim)
2. Start with the phrase “Ten years ago on this day, I was…” (inspired by Business 2 Blogger)
3. If you give a Mom a Blank…a post written in the style of the children’s “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie” books. (Inspired by Creative Kristi)
4. Without social media I…
(inspired by a belle, a bean & a Chicago dog)
5. A poem for your valentine.

Stop Making That Face

I was accused of being difficult to approach in high school. People thought I was mean, exclusive, intimidating, and snotty. They were people who did not know me well I might add. I’m clearly none of those things. But when a number of people tell you that you look angry, eventually you’ll start looking in the mirror and begin wondering why this is.

I decided it was because I rarely smiled…I mean why would I unless something hysterical was happening? My standard for humor is just way to high to be walking around with a goofy grin on my face all the time. But after some mirror gazing I determined my “thinking” face was too serious and mean looking. I needed to stop making that face.

So I changed it.

I smile now. I try to make it a point to look happy because I don’t want any passerby to think I’m going to beat them up. Or that I think they’re ugly. Or that they smell.

Even if they do.

This past weekend at a blog conference I realized there are grown women who still haven’t learned the art of pretending to like people when they meet them. Women who haven’t figured out how to mask their confusion when approached by strangers.

I put together this video because I’m a giver. I will share my secrets with you and you will succeed at life.

Entitled

I handed my families boarding tickets to the boarding pass checker and we waited for approval to board the plane. Before she could hand the checked passes back to me a woman bypassed the entire line, walked straight to the boarding pass checker in front of us, stuffed a first class ticket in the checkers hand and then without watching where she was going, rammed into my five year old.

I quickly pulled my daughter out of the way. Told her she needed to be careful to look out for people who were in a rush, but shot the rushing First Class sitter a pretty appalled face.

She looked back at us in shock and apologized profusely. Clearly she did not mean to run over my child in her rush, but all the same, I could not get over her sense of entitlement. Almost like she was so accustomed to her First Class treatment that she forgot there were actual people waiting in line and stepping aside so she, who had been running late, could skip to the front of the line without so much as glancing at a child in her path.

We were all getting on the same plane. Her first class seat was not going anywhere. Could it have behooved her to kindly wait for the five year old to move out of the way? Could it have behooved her to kindly wait for the boarding pass checker to hand back our tickets that we had already given her to check?

I started thinking about how obnoxious humans can be with their sense of entitlement. The bride who feels entitled to her perfect day. The mother entitled to a silent room when her baby is napping. The child who feels entitled to..well…everything if you’re a child of mine. The customer entitled to his extra onions when dammit he asked for extra onions.

People are actually working hard to give you what it is you’re entitled to. Mothers are pulling their children out of your way so you can board your precious First Class flight. Family members are clearing their schedules to celebrate your walk down the aisle. Guests are speaking in hushed tones to avoid waking your baby. SOMEONE is slicing extra onions because YOU can’t eat a burger with a normal serving of onions.

And as obnoxious as all this entitlement is? I wonder if it’s necessary. If we didn’t feel entitled to better treatment then what would we settle for? If we didn’t have women to stand up and demand equal rights and entitlement to vote, then where would we be right now?

Perhaps it’s not ALL such a bad thing…perhaps it’s only a bad thing when you’re knocking over my five year old in line because you’re in a hurry to get to your First Class seat. Maybe that’s when we begin to have problems.

And while we’re on the topic of entitlement…this is hilarious:

Writer’s Workshop: Shut’cher Mouth!

One pet peeve that shouldn’t drive you crazy, but does.

Loud chewing.

It’s a peeve that afflicts my entire family. The only time it’s really not a problem is when we all happen to be eating at the same time because then none of us can actually hear the others chewing.

God forbid one of us happens to be eating cereal near another who is watching TV…the offender would be ridiculed for the rest of the day.

“Wow…how’s your cereal treating you? Is that really good?? Hmmm???? You gettin’ it all???”

And then I grew up and married a man who I believe was raised in a dungeon because not only does he have no problem slurping and slipping his food, but he also has zero awareness of this issue and I have been working REALLY hard to just let him be.

He’s only slightly aware that Loud Chewing irks me. I don’t think he realizes the physical repulsion and rage it causes. I actually don’t want him to know because the few times I’ve drawn attention to his chewing he defiantly gets louder.

I also don’t want to be that wife who can’t allow her husband to simply eat a meal without heckling him. It’s an irrational pet peeve. I know this. I blame my siblings.

***

Now it’s your turn!

Mama's Losin' It

Choose a prompt, post it on your blog, and come back to add your name to the link list below. Be sure to sign up with the actual post URL and not just your basic blog URL (click on the title of your post for that URL). For good comment karma try to comment on the three blogs above your name!!

The Prompts:

1.) One pet peeve that shouldn’t drive you crazy, but does.
2.) Share 10 “Must Haves” this Spring!
3.) What were you blogging about last year at this time? What has changed?
4.) What inspired you this week?
5.) Perform a random act of service. And then tell us about it.

Mama’s Losin’ It

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